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so hurt and so confused

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  • so hurt and so confused

    So we met at college orientation (June 2017). We will both be sophomores by this fall semester. We hit it off quickly after summer semester (I attended summer semester into fall, he was admitted for fall semester only). A friend and I were walking toward our dorm when we saw him sitting at a table. We remembered him from orientation so we walked up to him and encouraged him to hang out with us. As the day went on we met up with another friend at her dorm and next thing I knew we were all laying on her bed watching Netflix. He and I somehow ended up touching each other's legs, were being a bit flirty and our friends teased us as they had picked up on our behavior. That night, in my dorm, we engaged in light sexual activity after he agreed to spend the night in my dorm. This continued for a bit afterward and we quickly became best friends: we did absolutely everything together, and that is far from an exaggeration. Everywhere I went, he went.Everything I did, he wanted to do with me. We would kiss each other goodnight, cuddle, hold hands, etc. Always laughing together and interested in literally all the same things. We were always in constant communication and I was his priority, he was mine. We became so attached that I would neglect my other friends to be with him. He never branched out and made friends that semester because our time was always spent together. We developed feelings for one another eventually because we acted as if we were in a relationship, we both knew that. Everyone around us teased us about it and told us to "date already," and I was hopeful we would eventually because of things he told me and how he treated me, but when I asked what we were, he said he had feelings for me but wasn't ready to settle down. I accepted this but remained hopeful because our relationship behavior carried on as usual. When spring semester rolled around, his best friend from home decided to transfer to our school and they quickly became each other's first option. I was kind of left out and noticed he began to neglect me a bit, but he still would always ask me at the end of the day to hang out, run errands, and have sex. We were sexually and romantically (in a way) exclusive for six months even though he had other options. A few weeks ago his behavior seemed off and long story short his best friend told me that he's infatuated with this girl he only met two weeks ago. When I asked where I went wrong, he said that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, that he's attracted to people he knows are wrong for him (this new girl). He talks badly about people like her, said he was not even attracted to her at first but the more they talked the more they realized they had a lot in common. She isn't his type at all from what he has told me, but after presenting a picture of the girl to a coworker of mine, she said, shocked, "could he have chosen a girl that looks MORE like you?" I am so hurt and confused. We decided a few days ago that not seeing one another or speaking for a bit would be best for the both of us. I am just not sure what went wrong. We are so alike, so comfortable. Does he miss me? Will he contact me first even though he put the ball in my court? Summer break for my school is coming up next month and it will last for nearly five months. She lives near the school we attend while he lives four hours away. Infatuation or actual feelings? Please help, this is driving me mad.
    Last edited by ncom; March 7th, 2018, 11:51 AM.

  • #2
    It was a relationship out of convenience that rarely bodes well because life is not always convenient. It is filled with disappointments, grueling times, tough times, sometimes trauma, sometimes grief, and joy if you know where to look for it. Most of all life is full of changes. And with change comes confusion and pain without understandings or agreements in a relationship. You both were not exclusive even though your behaviours led both of you to believe it for awhile. You were living an illusion in your mind.

    Whether or not it's infatuation or actual feelings, he's clear he's not ready for a relationship with you so don't put yourself through the trouble. What he feels for someone else is none of your business because he's made it none of your business. It never was as you were not an item as much as you may have wanted to believe it. That's a hard truth to bear but the sooner you learn from it the less naive you'll be and the less you'll find yourself in this type of situation even if he wants to get back with you again.

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    • #3
      He actually told you exactly what to expect from him. You however chose to ignore that and only hear what you wanted to hear.
      This guy isn't ready for a relationship. He told you that very point blank. Why don't you believe him and move on?

      Comment


      • #4
        *Looks in Crystal Ball*
        ... He's at school and he's got options. You fell into his lap and he accepted what you willing gave him which was a non-committed sexual relationship of the uncommitted kind. He'll likely do the next girl until another catches his eye and then she'll be faded on as well. He'll likely fade on her once summer break starts and then he'll try both of you when school starts again to see who is desperate enough to start having uncommitted sex with him again.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
          *Looks in Crystal Ball*
          ... He's at school and he's got options. You fell into his lap and he accepted what you willing gave him which was a non-committed sexual relationship of the uncommitted kind. He'll likely do the next girl until another catches his eye and then she'll be faded on as well. He'll likely fade on her once summer break starts and then he'll try both of you when school starts again to see who is desperate enough to start having uncommitted sex with him again.
          I'm still debating whether or not I should contact him at all. If he cares enough about me and our history, he should be the one to contact me.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Ayla View Post
            He actually told you exactly what to expect from him. You however chose to ignore that and only hear what you wanted to hear.
            This guy isn't ready for a relationship. He told you that very point blank. Why don't you believe him and move on?
            I definitely did not "hear what I wanted to hear." I heard exactly what he told me, and at the time he meant it.I asked several times and the same responses were given. He is emotionally immature and not ready for relationships period.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              It was a relationship out of convenience that rarely bodes well because life is not always convenient. It is filled with disappointments, grueling times, tough times, sometimes trauma, sometimes grief, and joy if you know where to look for it. Most of all life is full of changes. And with change comes confusion and pain without understandings or agreements in a relationship. You both were not exclusive even though your behaviours led both of you to believe it for awhile. You were living an illusion in your mind.

              Whether or not it's infatuation or actual feelings, he's clear he's not ready for a relationship with you so don't put yourself through the trouble. What he feels for someone else is none of your business because he's made it none of your business. It never was as you were not an item as much as you may have wanted to believe it. That's a hard truth to bear but the sooner you learn from it the less naive you'll be and the less you'll find yourself in this type of situation even if he wants to get back with you again.
              We were exclusive, though. At one point he asked me if i wanted him to block his ex on social media because of how her contacting him was affecting me. He gave me that option, to block someone he loved out of his life. That isn't usually done when the relationship is merely casual. Point is we were dating without the title. What i have provided you all is a summation. You were not there nor did you hear every conversation between the two of us. If it were as causal as you are making it seem I would not be so upset.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by ncom View Post
                So we met at college orientation (June 2017). We will both be sophomores by this fall semester. We hit it off quickly after summer semester (I attended summer semester into fall, he was admitted for fall semester only). A friend and I were walking toward our dorm when we saw him sitting at a table. We remembered him from orientation so we walked up to him and encouraged him to hang out with us. As the day went on we met up with another friend at her dorm and next thing I knew we were all laying on her bed watching Netflix. He and I somehow ended up touching each other's legs, were being a bit flirty and our friends teased us as they had picked up on our behavior. That night, in my dorm, we engaged in light sexual activity after he agreed to spend the night in my dorm. This continued for a bit afterward and we quickly became best friends: we did absolutely everything together, and that is far from an exaggeration. Everywhere I went, he went.Everything I did, he wanted to do with me. We would kiss each other goodnight, cuddle, hold hands, etc. Always laughing together and interested in literally all the same things. We were always in constant communication and I was his priority, he was mine. We became so attached that I would neglect my other friends to be with him. He never branched out and made friends that semester because our time was always spent together. We developed feelings for one another eventually because we acted as if we were in a relationship, we both knew that. Everyone around us teased us about it and told us to "date already," and I was hopeful we would eventually because of things he told me and how he treated me, but when I asked what we were, he said he had feelings for me but wasn't ready to settle down. I accepted this but remained hopeful because our relationship behavior carried on as usual. When spring semester rolled around, his best friend from home decided to transfer to our school and they quickly became each other's first option. I was kind of left out and noticed he began to neglect me a bit, but he still would always ask me at the end of the day to hang out, run errands, and have sex. We were sexually and romantically (in a way) exclusive for six months even though he had other options. A few weeks ago his behavior seemed off and long story short his best friend told me that he's infatuated with this girl he only met two weeks ago. When I asked where I went wrong, he said that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, that he's attracted to people he knows are wrong for him (this new girl). He talks badly about people like her, said he was not even attracted to her at first but the more they talked the more they realized they had a lot in common. She isn't his type at all from what he has told me, but after presenting a picture of the girl to a coworker of mine, she said, shocked, "could he have chosen a girl that looks MORE like you?" I am so hurt and confused. We decided a few days ago that not seeing one another or speaking for a bit would be best for the both of us. I am just not sure what went wrong. We are so alike, so comfortable. Does he miss me? Will he contact me first even though he put the ball in my court? Summer break for my school is coming up next month and it will last for nearly five months. She lives near the school we attend while he lives four hours away. Infatuation or actual feelings? Please help, this is driving me mad.

                He has 'fallen' for this girl as quickly as he did from spending ONE EVENING with you.......why does this come as a surprise ?

                He told you straight out that we wasn't ready to settle down (your words) and yet you continually have sex with him, living in your fairy tale world hoping that he would change his mind, all the while adding more fuel to the emotions that YOU feel for him. That's a recipe for DISASTER !

                You think he's going to NOT play with your emotions or lead you on, when you've been a sure thing since the beginning ? He'd be foolish to not treat you well, while he actually looks for his next lay.

                Sweetheart, time to grow up.

                He used you, and you used him. The only problem is that you caught feelings, and he didn't.

                It happens all the time in FWB situations.

                Listen better next time. That way you won't have your heart unnecessarily broken.

                The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                Comment


                • #9
                  If it were as causal as you are making it seem I would not be so upset.
                  It was wasn't casual for you (that's why you're so upset) but it was casual for him.

                  If you so quickly fall for someone you're having sex with then the smart thing for you to have learned through all this is that you don't have sex so early.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by pistol View Post


                    He has 'fallen' for this girl as quickly as he did from spending ONE EVENING with you.......why does this come as a surprise ?

                    He told you straight out that we wasn't ready to settle down (your words) and yet you continually have sex with him, living in your fairy tale world hoping that he would change his mind, all the while adding more fuel to the emotions that YOU feel for him. That's a recipe for DISASTER !

                    You think he's going to NOT play with your emotions or lead you on, when you've been a sure thing since the beginning ? He'd be foolish to not treat you well, while he actually looks for his next lay.

                    Sweetheart, time to grow up.

                    He used you, and you used him. The only problem is that you caught feelings, and he didn't.

                    It happens all the time in FWB situations.

                    Listen better next time. That way you won't have your heart unnecessarily broken.
                    Okay, clearly I failed to explain a few things here. We were BEST FRIENDS. We did not always have sex, sometimes we hung out just to be in one another's company. We did this more often than we had sex and he even told me that he wanted our sex to feel special when we would have it, AND IT DID. There is no need for you to be rude or condescending. We did not use one another. We shared feelings but his were immature because HE is immature and is in college and doesn't know what he has until he loses it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                      It was wasn't casual for you (that's why you're so upset) but it was casual for him.

                      If you so quickly fall for someone you're having sex with then the smart thing for you to have learned through all this is that you don't have sex so early.
                      But it wasn't casual for him up until this last month. He expressed feelings of emotion and care to me ABOUT me. I think he is romantically and emotionally immature, as he became comfortable with me and is now exploring his options. Do you think they will last through summer? (five months long)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ncom View Post

                        Okay, clearly I failed to explain a few things here. We were BEST FRIENDS. We did not always have sex, sometimes we hung out just to be in one another's company. We did this more often than we had sex and he even told me that he wanted our sex to feel special when we would have it, AND IT DID. There is no need for you to be rude or condescending. We did not use one another. We shared feelings but his were immature because HE is immature and is in college and doesn't know what he has until he loses it.
                        Oh okay....HE'S immature......
                        Gotcha
                        The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You know what? This is going to happen to you over and over if you keep the same mind set and you fail to get to know someone before you fuck them.

                          You have a lot of growing up to do and I truly hope you don't shred your own heart while doing it.

                          Good luck....

                          FWIW: It doesn't matter if they last or they don't. He's going to very likely hoover you back for more once the new relationship energy with her wears off because he likely is very confident that you'll take him back. You'd be very foolish if you do.

                          Take the time to heal, do nice things for yourself and keep your focus on your studies until you're confident enough to tell a guy that you'd like to wait to have sex until you know him better.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            P.S. Never do this again for any guy.
                            We became so attached that I would neglect my other friends to be with him.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment

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