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  • Confused

    Hi there,

    My question is such Ill try to be brief, but add as much detail as possible.
    Work night shift, started to date a co-worker, Im male, and shes female. Im older
    By 9 years. (53 and 42)
    I just got out of a marriage of 25 years, shes never been married. We dated for 3 years, I broke up with her, not 100% sure why, married for so long, first relationship after my divorce, wasnt fully committed, let things just slip away we stayed fairly close for another year, until she broke up with me, as she started to date someone else. She also went back to working day shift.
    Its been a little over 4 months since the break up, we texted a few time back and forth. I must say I was taken by surprise by the break-up, and I tried to explain to her I was sorry, I understood why, after all I had already broken up with her.. but I miss her a lot. My emotions were all over the place, but after a length of time, of no contact, Im OK now.
    Fast forward to last week. I see her for the first time at work in the hallway, I smile at her, and turn down another hallway, she calls me over, tells me she wants to give me some of my things back, I say OK.
    Two days later, again right before her shift starts, shes waiting for me at the door, smiling at me. She dropped my stuff off at my desk, we did some small talk about what went on at work that evening. I told her I lost my fitbit, I look for it, for a little while, tell her I need to go, and we kind of both went and hugged each other, very tight, she whispers that she misses me, I reciprocate and tell her I miss her as well. We got interrupted by a co-worker, and I left.
    I sent her an e-mail to look out for my fitbit if she could, and that I would cherish the hug for a long time.
    She replied saying the following I will keep an eye out for it.
    I will cherish that hug as well more then you know. I really do miss you.
    Take care of you. If you ever need to chat, I'm always around. I miss those too.
    oh ya, I forgot to tell you how amazing you look. Keep up the good work!
    Now, I dont know if she is still dating someone, Im going to find out. Im confused as to what she wrote. I dont know how to take it. Does she mean she misses me and wants to see me again? Or am I just reading into this too much?

  • #2
    Well first things first. You have determine whether, even if she would still be interested in seeing you again, you'd actually want that. Break-ups happen for a reason. Even if you have lingering history and it's easier to get back on track with someone rather than starting from scratch with someone else, that's not always the best action in the long run. You've broken up several times already. There are patterns in place that make it hard to start over and do it better the second (or third, or fourth) time around.
    So is this something that's even worth considering? Would you be better of going down that road yet again?

    If the answer is yes, then be very aware that she might just be using you as a safety blanket right now. All she needs to do is reach out with a few emotional words and she could potentially get a great deal of comfort, appreciation, love, nurturing etc. from you. There's a good chance she's not saying these things because she wants to start over with you. It's likely she's just feeling a bit down or lonely and she's fishing for someone to make her feel better about herself.
    You two have broken up. It's no longer your responsability to make her feel better. So be careful about the way you respond to her and don't get your hopes up. Let her come to you with a real offer if she wants to be a part of your life again.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      Why did you break up with her? You broke her heart and now you're entertaining thoughts of possibly getting back with her?

      She's a classy lady! She complimented you through her sadness. If you meant it when you broke up with her, leave her alone! Don't cause her any more pain and move on with your life.
      Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 6th, 2018, 12:34 PM.

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      • #4
        This was my first real relationship after my long marriage. We got along really well. I We both did our own thing's when we wanted to, but also spent a good amount of time together. It got to the point where one time she got really upset because she was in town, close to where I live, and I wasn't around (I had gone shopping), she waited for me but eventually left to go home. There were time where I wanted to see her, and she wanted to see me, but we couldn't make it happen for one reason or another, which is fine, we both accepted it.
        It got to the point where I was doing things more on my own than with her, and we kind of drifted apart. It came to a head one day, and I told her I don't think this relationship is working out. The odd part was, we stayed close, we still would go out occasionally for the next year, and do things together, even spent a few night together.
        The last 4-6 months, I thought things over, and made the decision that I wanted to re-kindle the relationship, never told her that. But then she broke up with me, and told me she started to see someone else. Fast forward 4 months later to work, where we saw each other for the first time again, and said the things that we said to each other.
        I guess I'm confused. I don't know if shes still dating the other guy. I don't know how to read into what she said to me about missing me and such.I know I broke her heart, she waited around a year for things to change between us, and I acted to late and lost her. I do miss her, and I want to show her that I would be more dedicated to us, and our relationship.

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        • #5
          Contact her then but your first question to her, after a bit of small talk, should be to ask her if she's still seeing the other guy and if she is, chat for a bit more and then make yourself scarce. You don't want to be hanging onto someone who isn't available to be hung onto.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            Even if you rekindled the relationship(and she's single/not attached), in your mind, is this a brief affair or is this something you can see yourself long term? The reason I ask is because she seemed like a rebound to you at first and it was a rather brief/superficial affair. If you're not ready for a committed relationship and are looking for a new high, make sure she's into the same thing. You should know by now what she's looking for. It's a bit pointless if one of you or neither of you know what you want in life or out of each other long term. That's a conversation between the both of you. You also mentioned that you both failed to make plans and commit to even seeing each other on a regular basis. You need to ask yourself whether you're ready or whether you have enough heart to commit to someone day in and day out (assuming she wants that with you in the first place). Ask yourself if your loneliness is getting the better of you now that you don't have anyone - no wife or girlfriend in the picture. Sometimes loneliness can skew our perceptions and cause us to make decisions we wouldn't usually make if we weren't feeling lonely.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              Ask yourself if your loneliness is getting the better of you now that you don't have anyone - no wife or girlfriend in the picture. Sometimes loneliness can skew our perceptions and cause us to make decisions we wouldn't usually make if we weren't feeling lonely.
              Rose, I have thought about this, and it could be that your right. I don't know if 3 years was considered an affair, maybe it was. I do/feel I want to commit myself more to her, spend more time together, but then again, since we both work opposite shifts, that may be somewhat difficult, although I know others that do it.

              PhaseoftheMoon.. We chatted a bit last night, small talk, nothing specific. We both agreed that the hug we gave each other was too short, she say's she misses me still, but that could mean anything. I do plan on asking her if she's still dating someone, and if so, I will make myself scarce and just move on, I won't waste my time or her's.

              I do appreciate everyone's perspective on this, I want to hear the good/bad from everyone... it does help me think about things.. so thank you... keep em' coming if you have more opinions/comments and such.

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              • #8
                If you care for her deeply and you both choose to pursue this, don't be disheartened by your opposite shifts. When we first met my partner was working 14 hour shifts and I worked and volunteered and had dog. We made time for each other. But you need to know deep down whether you can take that on and make the time. By affair I meant lack of depth and commitment, not just in terms of longevity. Good luck with everything.

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