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Should I [21M] date my ex [20F] again?

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  • Should I [21M] date my ex [20F] again?

    My ex and I dated for 3 years, things were pretty great for the most part but I had some pretty shitty personal problems (lack of ambition, lack of confidence, self hatred to some degree, social anxiety, etc) and it was a constant issue in our relationship.

    I would try to fix my personal issues but I would always bounce back to my old ways and I hated myself for it. I wanted an awesome future for us but I wasnt putting in the effort at all.

    We broke up 4 months ago and it sent me into a pretty deep depression. I never had suicidal thoughts or anything but it was really fucking with my schooling so I talked to my doctor about it. He thinks my symptoms (lack of ambition, self hatred, etc) were from depression to begin with, and the breakup just made my depression worse. I'm really not about taking pills so he told me a bunch of natural ways to help relieve myself of my depression and I have made a ton of progress in the past few months.

    I realized that something causing me a lot of pain was keeping her added on Facebook. I would see her tagging guys in stuff and liking posts about having crushes and shit and it sent me into a downward spiral every time. I decided that if she doesnt want to be with me romantically then I could no longer stay in touch with her, at least not until I got over her. I messaged her telling her I loved her and I wanted to try again and wanted to know how she felt about me. She told me that she thought a lot of our relationship was great but my lack of ambition (and everything else I listed) was a serious dealbreaker for her, and she doesnt think we can fix that. This was before I went to the doctor so I defended myself to the best of my ability but I really didnt know why I was like that so my defense wasnt too great.

    I eventually pushed her for an answer and she said she doesnt think getting back together would be a good idea. I told her I was sorry to hear that, and I wished her the best but I couldnt be her friend. We havent talked since and that was a month ago.

    I feel like with the progress I've made we could be really happy together. Should I message her?

    **TL;DR:** ex and I dated for 3 years, broke up 4 months ago, Ive been working on my issues properly and think we could be happy. Should I message her?
    Last edited by Roxam; March 5th, 2018, 12:47 PM.

  • #2
    i would suggest you call her for a face to face conversation about your mutual future. you should tell her all the steps you have taken to improve the problems that caused your break up to gain her acceptance of a face to face discussion. she was obviously hurt by you so convincing her won't be easy. based on her fb convos she appears to have other relationship opportunities so failing is highly probable if she has a current crush on someone else especially if he is the jealous type which most men are.

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    • #3
      Exactly what kind of progress have you made? How have you improved your lack of ambition? Give specific examples.

      How is your school progressing? What are your grades now? When will you graduate and with what degree?
      Last edited by SarahLancaster; March 5th, 2018, 04:09 PM.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        A few months of better behavior is nice but not a long enough record to demonstrate lasting change. Let her go for now and focus on making your e w you take root.

        Who knows, by that time you might find someone better.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          Exactly what kind of progress have you made? How have you improved your lack of ambition? Give specific examples.

          How is your school progressing? What are your grades now? When will you graduate and with what degree?
          I used to be extremely socially awkward.. a few months before we broke up I got a job as a Cashier at Target and it drained the hell out of me because of my anxiety, but I've been there for half a year now and I'm really good at being social with people now. I made the effort to try and have a conversation with every (friendly) customer, and I'm really proud of the progression I've made there. When I tell my coworkers I'm actually super introverted they don't believe me.
          I also started going to bars and parties with friends and that's something my ex always wanted to do with me but I never could talk myself into it.

          We broke up in November but I just started my first year of College in September. At the time I wasn't particularly excited about any career, but I chose to go into computer programming because I didn't hate it.
          I'm almost done my first year now and I'm actually really enjoying it. I'm maintaining a 3.8 average at the moment.

          I'll graduate in a little over 2 years from now.

          EDIT:
          Oh, and I'm eating better and working out regularly.
          I even lost 20 pounds since we broke up - but to be completely honest a lot of that is from my poor eating habits from the breakup.
          Last edited by Roxam; March 5th, 2018, 05:14 PM.

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          • #6
            I think it's great that you've made progress. But I seriously doubt that the kinds of things you've mentioned would have any bearing on her decision.

            Keep making progress. You'll meet someone who appreciates you eventually. Too much water under the bridge. Don't message her.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
              I think it's great that you've made progress. But I seriously doubt that the kinds of things you've mentioned would have any bearing on her decision.

              Keep making progress. You'll meet someone who appreciates you eventually. Too much water under the bridge. Don't message her.
              I'm all for moving on and meeting someone new but the problem with that is I'm in a completely male populated course in school, I work with nothing but 40-something year old women, and my friend group is pretty tight.
              I'd love to go out to events and meet new people but I'd just be doing it to meet a potential partner and that doesn't feel organic at all.
              Dating websites have been a real bust for me as well. Whenever I find someone attractive they never seem to message me back (even after 'matching').

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              • #8
                Well, I guess you'll just have to get creative and rise to the challenge.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                • #9
                  You're still very young. 21 years old....not sure what you could possibly offer. Don't take that the wrong way. Use this time to finish your program-whatever you're studying in school. Be serious about it and stay focused on your career. Dating websites I find are most successful when a person's fairly established and has a fair idea of what they want in a relationship and what they want in life. I can't imagine online dating at 21. I wouldn't even know what to say on a profile. I can't imagine what the girl's profiles would have either at that age.

                  It seems you might have more luck finding groups of people with similar interests. I think it's Phases who has mentioned before a meet up website. I've also seen meetup.com. These are for meeting people with similar interests. Why not try things like those? I disagree with you about the organic factor. I think that's your own bias without knowing much about them. Instead of shooting the idea down, educate yourself and learn more about them. Be more openminded. Here's a tip too: being openminded and adventurous are attractive traits especially at your age. Work on that. Good luck.

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