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Worth it or quit ?

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  • Worth it or quit ?

    Hi all,
    Im a 30 year old woman in a 4 year relationship with my 32 year old boyfriend.
    He lived with his younger (14) sister & younger (21) brother before i moved in 2 years ago along with my daughter(9).
    we have a very loving relationship and things go well with us and the kids. However, every now and then his sister wakes up out of the blue not talking to me nor my daughter. The first time it hurted my daughter really bad as my daughter looks at her as her older sister. Out of the blue she starts talking to us again. I have talked to my boyfriend about it and he straightened her up. The second time it happened my boyfriend spoke with her about it but she does not give a reason as to what is on her mind or what happened for her to act like that. This is the 3rd time it happened and my boyfriend explained to her that i am his woman and we live together so if there ia anything that bothers her about me or my daughter she needs to speak up so we can solve it. He also told her that he can not obligate her to speak with me or my daughter but that she will respect us and be cordial. But she is not speaking, entering and going as she pleases when he is not around. She does things on purpose but he does not see it that way.

    We were talking about buying a house, marriage and having a baby. However, this situation is very upsetting to my daughter and very annoying to me. Im at the point of leaving and not turning back. But I do ask my self what can I do to continue my relationship and to not having to walk away.

    Any advice is welcome.

  • #2
    sounds like she has emotional problems best served by professional therapy. i don't know why you and your daughter care about her behavior. just ignore her when she acts oddly. surely not a valid reason to break up with a man that is doing everything possible to make you and your family happy by choosing your happiness over his own sister. life is never perfect.

    there are lumps and obstacles in all relationships. she should be around sixteen now so soon will be on her own anyway. don't blow a great relationship over a bitchy relative in the mix.


    • #3
      Thank you for your advice. I do not care if she speaks to me or not. But I do care for my daughter as she is still a child and she is very attached to her. I did explain to her to not be very stuck on her to just let her be. If she speaks you speak, if she doesnt well so be it. But again she is still very young and sometimes she comes crying to me and tells me like mom X is not speaking to me again. That part bothers me. I am still the one to bring her to school each morning and picking them up after school. I had a conversation last night with my boyfriend about it and i did tell him that if she wants to be this evil person i can be so much better at it starting to not bring her/ pick up from school. (Walking distance so she can walk). Not bringing her in any fun family activity etc etc.

      However, at the end of it I think it will bring more harm to my relationship which is not what I want of course.


      • #4
        she needs to be disciplined as the child she is acting like. i am sure if your daughter acted like her you would give her a warm rear end or some form of punishment. you are supporting her so she must adhere to your rules. your boyfriend is too wimpy with her.

        i am sure a little punishment would change her attitude quickly.


        • #5
          Exactly! Thank you


          • #6
            Why is your boyfriend living with his younger brother and sister? Are the parents dead? Is he their guardian?
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


            • #7
              Yes, their parents are no longer alive. He is their guardian


              • #8
                Before you get carried away with the idea of disciplining her, you need to realize a couple of things.

                1. Maybe she finds your moving in with them very unpleasant for a variety of reasons. She does not have any kind of romantic entanglements with you; her brother does. Did she have to give up a room to herself? Has she had restrictions on her life since you came to squat in her house?
                2. You say she doesn't talk to you 'every now and then.' Do you mean it's not constant? Then I suggest that she is having some serious emotional issues with the living arrangement that need to be understood and not punished. You are the adult here.

                She is not obligated to speak to you or your daughter if she doesn't want to. As long as she's not cursing at you or doing things to disrupt your life, she has the right to remain silent, as it were. Tell your daughter to get over it. You and your daughter are the intruders into the girl's life.

                You should do this in order. Get married, buy a house and THEN have a baby. Perhaps when you're married, the daughter will understand that you are to be a permanent part of her life. As of right now, you're just daddy's live-in girlfriend. And it's not up to you to discipline her.

                Cut the girl some slack.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


                • #9


                  • #10
                    Thank you for your advice. I would like to reply to your point of view.
                    1. I do believe that this is the reason of her acting like this. But without her talking about the problem we will not get to a solution. She shares a room with my daughter. Besides this she did not have to "give up" on anything. Or received any restrictions.
                    2. Since the beginning of my relationship with her brother we had a good relationship. I used to pick her up go out have fun. She used to come sleep over at my house etc. Since i moved in we still kept that relationship. However like I said sometimes out of the blue she acts like this . Just from one day to another. and when I try to speak with her she just walks away or turn her back to me.
                    3. She is not obligated to speak to us that is very true. I do not discipline her either. That is my boyfrienda task. When he does i do not speak about it in front of her either. If i did not agree or have any advixd for my man avout his disciplining her, i speak to him afterwards about it in private.

                    i am already in the process of buying a house. Than comes marriage and EVENTUALLY a baby.


                    • #11
                      Having to suddenly share her bedroom at the age of 12 is a big deal actually.
                      She is a teenager now and likely going through hormonal changes.
                      You are her female role model. And with that you need to be involved in disciplining her.
                      Instead of regarding her as evil , where's the empathy.
                      She has lost her mother.

                      Your daughter is 9. Old enough to understand, so stop treating her like a baby.

                      Is there a study or redundant room in the house that you can convert into a bedroom?


                      • #12
                        Thank you for your reply.
                        She always shared a room with her older brother. When I moved in 2 years ago, we converted a room that was used for storage into a bedroom for the older brother. The hormonal things I understand. However when you start to do things on purpose it becomes a problem.


                        • #13
                          her brother as legal guardian of course should discipline her behind closed doors especially if spanking is chosen, not you as you have no legal rights to punishment.


                          • #14
                            You have a teenager in the house.
                            Teenagers act up. Especially when they have gone through some rough things like losing their parents at an early age, moving in with their older sibling and then having their world shaken upside down again with new people moving in.
                            Have some empathy for this girl for goodness sake. It's going to get you a lot further than being angry with her.

                            For your daughter. About time she grows some tough skin. People won't always like her. That's part of the real world. You can't keep babying her and shielding her away from reality forever. Nothing about this is actually damaging your daughter.
                            You say this girl is like a big sister to her. Well if she would have ever had a sister, she would have learned that sisters argue and fight and sometimes act like real bitches to each other. That's what kids do. It's how they learn to interact with their peers.

                            Instead of trying to make sure your daughter never encounters something that makes her sad, try teaching her how to deal with sadness. That will get her much further in life.
                            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by SimplyMe1 View Post
                              Thank you for your reply.
                              She always shared a room with her older brother. When I moved in 2 years ago, we converted a room that was used for storage into a bedroom for the older brother. The hormonal things I understand. However when you start to do things on purpose it becomes a problem.
                              You have forgotten your teenage years????
                              Moody teenagers always have a purpose when acting out!
                              Instead of thinking she is evil why don't you start treating all the household members like family and not just your daughter you gave birth to.

                              I agree with Ayla. Siblings fight! I had 3 sisters and a brother. Our fights weren't just silent treatment. We physically fought too! Lol
                              We didn't dare go tell our parents about it. We sorted it out amongst ourselves. Tell your baby girl to grow up and defend herself.