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To Dump Or Not To Dump??

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  • To Dump Or Not To Dump??

    Hey, newbie here. Hope I posted this in the right bit! Gotta ask a question regarding my current S/O- should i dump them or not???? We've been together 7 months, its my first relationship but certainly not theirs. I'm massively on the fence about it, but the majority of people i talk to about it tell me to dump. I'm still unsure though as I really do love them and want to make it work, so its a question of dump or have a massive talk and get everything addressed. Also, I'm using the 'they' pronoun as thats their preferred one since they are gender fluid! Obviously i've got issues with the relationship and how its going, so lets just get into this-

    1. They have only paid for one date over the entire relationship. A single one, which was our valentines day date and they didn't even seem happy about the fact they paid for it. I know its over the top for me to expect weekly dates with them paying for every single one, but a little something would be nice. The issue is also that we've been on 3 actual dates throughout the entire relationship, with me paying for the other two. The reason no more have happened is partly because I said after the first date (September and two months into the relationship) that they would have to pay for the next one, which personally I thought was fair. No date happened until December and AGAIN I had to pay. I don't mind paying, but they make about 500 a month from their job whereas I make about 120, making paying for dates expensive and problematic for me to do which they full well know. To make matters worse, when i brought this up to them they were very apologetic and said that they 'would take me out every night if i could' and say we don't because they don't have money, when their pay check literally goes within a week on food, video games and lego sets. I would even be happy if we just agreed to go dutch, as it wouldn't mean me spending 70+ on dates every month when I simply don't have the money, and it would also mean we could go out more! I've gotten very bored of 7 months of sitting in their bedroom watching netflix's and playing video games. Its literally all we do when we're together and its boring as hell now. We just end up rewatching the same show and playing the same games and for once I'd actually like to do something exciting or fun with them instead.

    2. I'm not physically attracted to them as much as I used to be. Obviously this is rather superficial, but would it be so hard for them to shower somewhat regularly?! They often go a week without showering, saying that its something that 'you don't need to do everyday'. To be blunt I don't want to be seen in public when they look like a homeless person- greasy hair that was due a cut a month ago, scruffy beard, stained hoodies that haven't been washed in a good while. When we were walking home from our classes together the other day, we passed someone I know from class and I just felt ashamed and like I didn't want to be seen with them. I know its incredibly superficial and vain for me to even think that and its whats on the inside that counts, but at the end of the day this wasn't the norm at the start and I almost don't want to have sex with them or cuddle with them as a result.

    3. I don't feel cared for enough by them or valued, or that they don't care about stuff I do that doesn't involve them. For example, last week (at time of posting) I completed this massive project that i'd been working on for a year and had the deadline for it that day, which I made and got everything in on time and high quality. I was with them when i handed it in and for the rest of the day afterwards, and it took until we were saying goodbye for the day for them to say they were proud or even acknowledge that I'd done something I am super proud of. Should that bug me?? Also, another example. Yesterday (at time of posting) I had a completely horrible day at college. Horrible horrible horrible, I struggle with my mental health and was on the verge of a panic attack for the majority of the day. They very well knew this and so said I could come over after college to calm down, which I did. The ENTIRE night was based round them. All I wanted was to be held and be taken care of a bit, and I ended up doing that for them nearly the whole, then had some disappointing sex and THEN i finally got some care or emotion out of them, which didn't actually help at all and was about 30 mins before I had to leave, having been there about 3 hours at that point. The 'care' was basically them whining about how they don't know how to help and that the thing I was stressed about and was the cause of my horrible day doesn't matter. Those are just the most recent examples that I can think of off the top of my head rn. It's really starting to get to me.

    4. This will seem like a small thing, but they don't make the effort to come over to my house. I would get this if we lived some sort of massive distance away from each other, but we literally live a 30 minute walk or 10 minute bus ride from each other. They just complain or whine when I do ask them to come over, when it's not a hard thing to do. A return bus ticket is literally 3, which he can easily afford. The few times he has come over have been when I've literally begged. Its a small thing, but my parents think that they hate them because of this and its starting to bug me, as I don't want to be constantly in their room (which is seriously unclean might i add- they literally had a infestation of poisonous spiders in there a few months ago and i've never once seen the bedsheets changed).

    Anyway, those are the key points. Theres more but honestly this post is long enough already. What're your thoughts guys????? To dump or not to dump?????

  • #2
    How many people are you dating?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      How many people are you dating?
      One! I used the 'they' pronoun as that is my partners preferred pronoun as they are gender fluid but he is biologically a guy and just one person!


      • #4
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


        • #5
          What is going through your mind when you think of leaving this person? Do you feel that you'll be judged for ending the relationship based on those points? You seem fairly self-conscious of your thoughts like you're apt to feel guilty for them. Why? Your reality seems altered and confused. Try and visualize how you want to live, the feelings you want to have each day. Don't just think about what to do right now because x, y, z factors are bothering you. Think big picture, long term, your entire life and if the x, y, z is anywhere in your peripheral vision, prioritize it accordingly. If it turns out those factors aren't in your peripheral and don't factor into how you want to live your life.....well, the answer is staring you in the face. Good luck.


          • #6
            I think your post speaks for itself, doesn't it?
            I'm going to tell you something I recently learned myself.
            Don't ask yourself if you have enough reasons to dump him, whether it's justified. Ask yourself if you have enough reasons to stay with him, whether he brings enough positive contributions to your life.
            You know the answer.
            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


            • #7
              So you are in a "relationship" with someone you don't even like.
              You would like him if he wasn't boring, was considerate, emotionally supportive, maintained normal healthy standards, wasn't a sloth, wasn't a tightarse and if he actually cared about you.
              But he doesn't fit anything??

              So again, why exactly are you with him??
              Last edited by Maggiemay4791; March 3rd, 2018, 11:03 PM.