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I need to get this all out as it is driving me crazy!

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  • I need to get this all out as it is driving me crazy!

    Hey all just joined the forum.

    I recently broke up with my GF of 5 months and can't stop thinking about it/beating myself up about it. I was single for 9 years before meeting her and I went in with little experience. We are very different people. She is more independent and has been on a lot of holidays etc and is a workoholic. Whhereas I have mainly stayed in my room most of life playing video games and just getting by with minimal effort. This is obviously my side and view of the story but I will try to be fair.

    The Backstory - How we met

    I met this girl on a night out in August. I'd seen her around my work place but never took an interest and just said hi from time to time. She got drunk and I was sober. I helped her up and down
    a hill by offering her my arm and being a gentleman. She asked if I was single etc

    Weekend passes and I bump into her at work during lunchtime and she can't stay long to chat as she is going to meet a "friend". Remember that bit for later.

    She then emails me a few days later as we had a little bit of an in joke going about a friend of mine and we hit it off from there. E-mailing at work, having lunch together, talking on Facebook etc
    She did all the pursuing. I think she found me charming and funny.

    She even brought me a book on Japan as I love Japanese stuff. She then asked me via e-mail if I want to go on a date. I wasn't totally into her if I am being honest. The thing is she wasn't my type. I'm white and she is black. I didn't want to be rude and say No so I said Yes.
    A few weeks pass and I start to develop feelings and then we go on the date. We end up making out a lot and we then became BF and GF.

    Two days into the relationship I start getting texts making accusations about her meeting someone for sex at lunchtime and sending nudes. It was the "Friend". She was actually on the phone to me whilst the texts where coming in. We agree to talk in person the next day.
    She admits to it all and is worried I will end things. Looking back I should of done as it was two days in but I said it happened before we got together and I was ok with it. She even showed the Whatsapp messages to me. She also informed me she was living with her ex at the time.
    I am naturally paranoid and I think that instance caused me to have mistrust for her throughout the relationship but I never told her that.

    She stays over that weekend and then the following week she comes over after work and we have sex for the first time. Looking back it was too soon but she was going away for a month and we weren't sure if it was going to be a serious thing.
    I got down about the sex because I felt I didn't perform well and she reassured me. That wouldn't be the first time she would have to reassure me about sex.

    Then a few days later she goes away back home for a month. We are in constant contact via Whatsapp. Messages and hour long phone calls every night. I am paranoid and down while she is away and my work starts to suffer. I seemed to only feel happy if I heard from her.
    She gets back and starts a new job at a different company. Within 2 days of her being back I tell her I love her. We'd been together a month and a half. The next day I say it was too soon to tell her and it didn't go down well. I meant too soon to be honest with how I felt.

    She was back and the relationship could truly begin.

    The Good Stuff

    She was so sweet to me in the beginning. She would say things like "why has no one ever given you a chance?" "Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" "I miss you so much!" "You're the best!" The last sweet thing she said was Monday 5th February "Just know I love you and you're an amazing boyfriend." via text.
    the sex for the most part was amazing and in the beginning frequent. It died down towards the end though. I loved the affection she would showed me when it happened. Kissing me randomly and was quite publically affectionate as well. We did have some amazing times together. She would e-mail me, call me and text me frequently and check in on me if she didn't hear back. We'd talk everyday on the phone at least a few times. She would also be totally straight with me and say things like "Stand up to me and don't let me treat you like a doormat" "Communicate with me." "I feel smothered sometimes so let me come to you." "For your first adult relationship you have picked someone who is hard work."

    She once said she felt treated like a princess and that I made her smile and very happy.

    Always said I don't need you I want you.

    She was supportive of me and checked up on me a lot.

    The Bad Stuff

    I constantly felt anxiety in the relationship. Mainly since she came back from holiday in late October. I got very down during the relationship and it affected my work, home life and sleep. If I knew she was going to be calling me I would feel on edge trying to work out what there was to talk about and how I was coming across. I felt a lot of pressure on me. I think I placed it on myself though. I was also very paranoid throughout and towards the end checked her Whatsapp last seen time and facebook timestamp constantly. I just couldn't relax.

    The relationship was my whole life. I lived my life around it. Changing myself and my routine just be avaliable. I felt like everything I did was wrong or came across dumb. My self confidence and self esteem are very low. Things got so bad in the relationship I started seeking councelling and other forms of help. She supported me in this but wasn't aware it was the stress of the relationship. I would try and remember everything she said and ruminated a lot because if I said something i'd said before she would point it out. If I asked a question I had asked before she would point it out. She remembered everything I said and did. It was kinda cool but scary at the same time.

    She made various remarks that I should call her more as well but when I tried she was either busy or didn't pick up.

    I also feel I didn't portray myself very well. Leaving her place late and therefore being tired the next day for work so my responsibilities would suffer. Feeling unsure and seeking reassurance often. Was ok at first but definitely grated on her by the end. I felt I came across as weak sometimes and she confirmed this in our last phone call together. Never really spoke out or stood up for myself. Let a lot of things slide.

    She was all about positive vibes and I think I could bring the tone down from time to time with the reassurance talks and discussing my issues.

    I was a bit immature in the relationship looking back. I saw sex as expected and a way to patch things up. Caused some friction. No pun intended.

    She made a lot of comments or did things that fuelled my uncertainty and paranoia I feel.

    We have completely different backgrounds and tastes in everything and outlooks on life.

    I was terrified of losing her and all my actions seemed to come from a place of fear.

  • #2
    The Comments

    She made various comments that didn't make me feel great.

    Nothing you do will ever be good enough - this one cut me deep because I felt like I had been trying my best to not let my insecurities get the better of me and be a great boyfriend.

    Our phone conversations are boring - This one put a lot of pressure on me and made me panic. I then started trying to think of ways to spruce up the conversations.

    You can bore me within 2 minutes of us talking on the phone - Ties in with the above one. Made me feel like rubbish.

    Your jokes aren't funny anymore - Felt I couldn't be me because I felt like I was coming under constant criticism and observations.

    You are blocking potential future husbands - Would say this if I put my arm around her in public. Apparently this one was a joke. Said towards the end of the relationship.

    Can we be part time boyfriend and girlfriend? - Apparently a joke but made me feel insecure.

    You're so annoying - Often said with a smile so not a bad one to be honest.

    I need to be nicer to you - ok so do something about it then...

    The Actions

    She once locked me outside her place for 10 minutes because I said I would go to the shop and then said I was only joking. Her friend had to tell her to let me in. When I got indoors she seemed off with me for a bit.

    Around Christmas time a friend of hers said to another friend about a dating app. My ex said "Oh send that to me." "Erm your boyfriend is right there...." "He knows my heart belongs to him I just like to mess with people." Made me feel very insecure and paranoid. Asked her about it at a later date and she said "I said it right in front of you so clearly it is a joke. I am in a happy and secure relationship already."

    I once got a message to come over late at night. 15 minute walk. Train to her town. 25 minute walk to her place. Get there. Shower. Sleep. Wake up the next morning and she says "This is what I mean by part time boyfriend/girlfriend. Your novelty wears off quickly." Hated that one. Wanted to walk out.

    We once went to a local park and had a fun time messing about, went to a bouncy castle thing, cinema and then back to her place to have sex. Amazing day out. The next day I was helping her change the bins and asked where the bin liners were. 30 minute walk to the bus stop in silence. Try to hold her hand but she doesn't want to. Get there and ask what is wrong and she explodes at me calling me an idiot saying I know where the bin liners are and that I come out with the stupidiest things. To this day I am still like wtf about that.

    Would ask me to let her know when I was on the bus and when I got home. Once tried calling me but couldn't answer as I was paying the bus driver. Text her to say I am on the bus. She then calls me and says "Why didn't you call me back?" Why does it matter?

    She once facetimed me from her work place on a Saturday and I said she looked pretty. She then said "Yeah so some nice rich guy can take me out and treat me!" Thanks for that.

    Called me once when I was walking home. She said "Your hands must be cold call me back when you get in." Call her 5 minutes later. "You were that close to home?! You couldn't hang on and talk am I not worth it to you?" Stressed me out the whole evening and then she called to say her move to her new home went well like nothing had happened.

    She told me she is a control freak and I really see it now looking back. If I got my phone out and proceeded to type she would ask who I am talking to. If she text me and I didn't respond she would either call me or facetime me.

    Sometimes I would go to kiss her and she would move away or just offer her cheek to me which made me feel so rejected.

    I was once too depressed to go to work and called in sick. She hadn't heard from me via the usual morning text so called me and I said I had been sick and she said what did I eat? I said I can't lie to you and proceded to say I was off due to feeling down. She was disappointed in me and then later on I dragged myself out of bed and went to work. She said she was proud. Called me after work to ask if I am ok. I said yes and then she said never lie to me again or you will wake up with your balls in my hands. Laughed at the time but looking back....
    She also said she was going to surprise me after work and meet me but because I "lied" to her and took the day off she didn't want to. Looking back I think that was made up just to make me feel worse.

    Why I felt Pressure

    She once called me to tell me about a bad mock driving test she had. I couldn't hear the conversation very well due to traffic and said "That must be bad you can't be feeling great." "I said that at the start aren't you listening?! Forget it you are no help." Facetimes me later and I say "Want to talk about it?" "No why would I want to talk about it?! It annoyed me. We should talk about something else. Actually don't worry I don't know why I called you back I will cheer myself up!" I felt like it was now my problem and ordered her favourite food to her place and it cheered her up.

    She once pointed out I didn't know how to talk to her when she is annoyed or tired and said it was up to me to figure out how to get her to talk more. How can I when I only get one word answers?!

    Asked me to call more but when I tried she was either busy or wouldn't pick up. Also telling me I am boring on the phone killed my motivation to try.

    Once said "Make more effort." "Ok cool in regards to what?" "Just in general." What does that mean?! I need more than that.

    I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells because i percieved a lot of what she said as criticism. Like I would crack a joke or say something and she might say "Why are you saying it like that?" or just saying what i said was dumb.

    She'd ask how my day was and if I went beyond yeah good she'd say I asked how it was I don't need the details.

    I just felt like nothing I said or did was right. There were contradictions as well. One week she'd say to do something and then when i applied it the next week it would be wrong.

    She said she was needy and I never quite understood it. She explained it as she wanted someone to call her and ask how she was and let her know that they are thinking of her. I tired that and it was never received well in my eyes. She was independent but also needy. Don't get it.

    She said she felt like she was dragging me along through this relationship and having to teach me and train me. That made me feel like rubbish as I always tried my best and I felt again like I was being spoken down to.

    Called me about something that happened at her work and when I said that must be bad hope you are ok she proceded to say why do I have to make it a negative thing and she wasn't going to tell me anything anymore because I give stupid responses.

    She told me that she and her friend had a bet going to see how long it would be before I snapped and lost it with her.


    • #3

      The OCD

      This was something I tried my best with but was tough.

      I wasn't allowed to touch my hair if I was on her bed. I also couldn't place my feet near her pillows. No outside shoes in her room. Slippers if you went into the communal area.

      Dry your feet before getting out the shower. Wash the shower out afterwards. Face the shower head the other way when done. Make sure the shower door is closed. Failure to do so often resorted in a stern look or comment. I could not relax at her place.

      Same with her at mine. The cleanliness didn't match her standards and it made her feel uncomfortable.

      The Break up

      She called me 8th February to say Hi. I was in a funny mood that night because she text me to say after I said I was done at the gym to say "You don't need to tell me your every move and step unless I ask ." It felt like control again and bugged me. Any way she called me annoying within 20 seconds of the call and I said sarcastically "I am annoying, I am bad on the phone, my jokes aren't funny and my favourite one is my novelity is wearing off." She came back at me and it spun out of control. 40 minutes of back and forth. I said I wasn't happy with certain things that had been said and she said I should of taken 5 minutes to realise that is just how she is. She is honest. I think that is a cop out and justification to be mean and absolves her of all responsibility. She said we are different but we are making it work. Anyway she gets angry at the end of the call and hangs up.

      Phone her the next day and she says she has been thinking about the whole dynamic of the relationship and if we should continue etc I said I wanted to and she decided the same. Agreed we still loved each other.
      Saturday night time she calls me and she says it is a fresh start for us tomorrow. We go to an event together and when we meet it is awkward and she perks up when we get there. She expects me to pay for everything and even points to an ATM. I touch her leg and she gives me a dirty look and says stop touching me up. Again arm around her I was blocking potential husbands. Even says I need to give her money for her train ticket. I had my new glasses on and she was commenting on how I was adjusting them and calling it an annoying habit.

      After the event on the train she says she has no problem with asking her ex to get her stuff and give her money if she needs it. Made me feel insecure again.

      Get back to her place not really talking much. Puts on a film. Gets really firm with her OCD and makes me sit on the floor because I played with my hair on the bed. I get back on the bed which she allowed. Film ends and then I shower. Get into bed. I got a little bit touchy with her and she elbowed me away. My bad I should of read the situation better and realised love making wasn't on the menu.

      Wake up the next day and she said we need to talk. I agreed. She said it isn't working. I agreed. It was pretty much mutual. She said when I wasn't around it was a breath of fresh air and that she didn't appreciate me anymore. Also that when I am at her place I can't relax and at mine she doesn't like it because she has no control over the enviroment.Then when she mentioned getting her stuff from mine I cried because it made it real. I am a sentimental person and quite sensitive. We hugged it out and then we said our good byes. I cleared my phone of everything to do with her and then didn't respond when she tried calling and texting me later on. I wasn't in the mood to talk. That was Monday 12th Feb. I didn't contact her until the Friday. We spoke and for some reason I tried to get back with her knowing it was wrong as I myself had thoughts of breaking up for a while. She said no and that she had prayed for someone like me and I ticked a lot of boxes but still wasn't enough for her.

      I had a text from her on the Thursday about her stuff and text her after the call on Friday to say "Hey when are you coming to get your stuff?" "Don't know. Need to find the time." Again annoyed me as it is under control.

      Sunday is when shit hits the fan. I wake up feeling resentful at a lot of things that were said and done to me and I just want her stuff out of my place. I don't call ahead as I don't feel like talking. My dad is visiting my place and offers to take me there. We get there and no one is in. I reluctantly call her and she is at the cinema. I tell her I have her stuff and she said I should of called ahead. My dad then suggests we place the stuff in a black bin bag and leave it to one side so it doesn't get damaged by the weather or stolen. I agree and we leave it there and I block her number. I was so annoyed that day. I calmed down later on and unblocked her number.

      She calls me and all hell breaks loose "THIS IS HOW YOU PAY ME BACK AFTER ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU?! YOU PUT MY STUFF IN A BLACK BIN BAG LIKE IT WAS TRASH! AND YOU GAVE BACK THE GIFTS I GAVE YOU! I'M GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. YOU NEVER LOVED ME YOU NEVER CARED FOR ME! FUCK YOU DON'T CALL ME DON'T MESSAGE ME DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ME!" I personally think she is mad because she had no control over the situation. I gave back the gifts so there were somewhere safe as I didn't want to throw them away. She ended up throwing them away.

      I e-mail her on the Monday explaining myself and she gets back to me on the Wednesday saying "Thanks for the apology. Appreciate it." I was just explaining myself not apologising.

      Phone starts ringing on Friday but I was at my friends and couldn't get back to her. Text her to ask what was it she wanted to talk about and just said don't worry.

      Call her the next day and leave a voicemail. She calls me later on and when I asked what she wanted to talk about she says the moment has passed now but no hard feelings about what I did. She then said she told people what i did and they all thought it was terrible. The call lasted an hour or so and she was very mocking and condesending throughout. Going yeah yep umm hmmm when I was talking to the point where I said I may as well not have a mouth as I can't get a word in edgeways. She called me a little boy and told me I need to grow up. She said if I hadn't of spoken to her on the phone the day I left the stuff outside she was going to come to my workplace or home and have a massive go at me. I said I could of done far worse with her stuff like burn it, damage it, sell it or throw it away. She then said if a child molester molests 1 child or 10 it is still bad. If a killer kills 1 person or 10 it is still bad. I laughed at the ridiculous comparison. She got her stuff back what is the issue?

      I called her out on some of the things she had said to me in the past and apparently they were all just jokes and I need to have thicker skin. She also said she wanted to be friends but I have fucked that up now. She can't look at me in the same way anymore.

      She told me people had made comments about me to her and she brushed them to one side to give the relationship a chance. I said I felt we had broke up because I spoke up and she said no it was all the little things that did it. Such as me appearing weak at times made her lose respect and that my expectation of sex was an issue. She said that everything I did annoyed her in the end and she knew it wasn't right.

      Anyway I can't remember the bulk of the conversation but we left things by saying maybe friends one day and to take care and wished each other all the best.

      My Afterthoughts/Feelings

      I feel like I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship which ultimately lead to it's demise. I could of been more assertive and spoke up a bit more but I just didn't feel I could with her as I would get spoken down to. I felt like when I tried to voice something it would be referred to as reassurance and not worth my time saying it. Obviously I have been as open and honest in this post as I can but it is still from my side of things.

      I wish I had called ahead and handed the stuff over in a more civil manner but I was just so resentful and bitter that day. I just wanted to take control for once. I wish things would have ended in a better way but I think she would of found fault with no matter how I handled things. One of my friends said I could of put the stuff in a diamond encrusted suitcase and she'd still find fault in that. Nothing was ever good enough I felt or right. Part of me thinks she might be a narcissist.

      I miss the intimacy and affection. Her coming to my place and me going there. The calls and the texts. Someone calling to say good night. The attention really. Now I have none. Once it is gone you appreciate it so much more. No one ever took an interest in me and I just feel like this was an oppotunity I messed up. I tried my best to keep her happy and be a good boyfriend but maybe I was too generous and too available. Strange to think at the start she pursued me like crazy and I wasn't interested. Now look. The tables have turned. Guess all I can do is learn from this. There is stuff I have missed out but I think I got the bulk out of what I wanted to say. Probably won't hear from her again now anyway. Probably for the best. I just needed this outlet so to anyone who read this you have my thanks.


      • #4
        Deleted Repost
        Last edited by MrWobblyTickle; March 1st, 2018, 01:54 PM.


        • #5
          Uh....any way you can condense this?
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


          • #6
            Reprogram your brain. If I were you, I'd feel terrified of continuing this messed up relationship with this black chick who is so screwed up with her life, whom she interacts with, what she thinks, how she acts, how she communicates with you and your relationship with her is abnormal. Her behavior is bizarre, unstable and dirty. I'd ditch her as in yesterday if I were you. You deserve better. Get off this roller coaster. She's a danger to your mental stability IMHO. I'd bail now while you can. She sounds like a major loser.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


            • #7
              This is also a "relationship" of five months... don't you think you're overreacting a little? I don't think she's a loser. I think she's got her life straightened out and I'm not so sure about you. I feel like there's missing information in your narrative, believe it or not, despite the long passages. Both of you are inexperienced and made bad decisions but it doesn't mean that you can't grow forward and learn from it.


              • #8
                When it comes to people, I'm impatient when someone is "too off" for me to cope with. Either there is compatibility and a smooth relationship or it's not going to succeed. In order to have a successful relationship, it's a heck of a lot easier to be compatible from the beginning. Any time a relationship is taxing to the point of unreasonable, it's time to bail and consider it a failure. Keep in mind, all failures are not always a bad thing. You can learn from poor choices such as whom you associate with in your journey through life, what to do or not do in the future. It's not always in vain. I've had negative experiences and who doesn't? Even though it wasn't enjoyable to endure unpleasant pasts, I've certainly learned from my bad mistakes or how I reacted to them. My learning from my past was wisdom gained and most of all, it changed my perspective. Whenever a person doesn't work out for you, remember you can't control nor change them. All you can do is make wiser choices in the future, become more picky and choosy. You narrow your search, determine who is compatible to your personality and the rest are discards. It pays to become selective. Too many people settle for crumbs and deal with questionable characters just to keep the peace.

                I've observed too much from those in my midst and I vowed never to make their mistake(s) especially when it came to choosing my husband. Haste makes waste. Make sure your significant other checks all the boxes! Gems are difficult to find. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack but it pays off to find the right one. If you're going to be stuck with someone, you might as well get it right and be happy for the long haul.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


                • #9
                  I know her type, I've been friends with a girl just like her for ages.

                  I am really sorry to have to tell you this - but she's been using you. Girls like this crave affection and attention from guys who are (sorry) insecure to make themselves feel better. She has probably been using you to make herself feel better, and you have enabled her to do so.

                  I think you need to work on your self esteem a little bit, try to let her go, and find someone with whom you can start a relationship that is not only on her conditions and all about you validating her and craving validation back. Maybe try to have a few casual encounters? Grow some thicker skin when it comes to the dating scene? Best of luck.