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Should I try to get him back?

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  • Should I try to get him back?

    Dear Community

    I need help, advice.
    10 month ago me and my ex split up (we spent 3 years together). We were very much in love with each other, we worked pretty well together and the sex was magical until the bitter end. I moved to the other side of the world for him but never really liked it in that country.
    Among other things I always felt like the underdog in the relationship: he was always better at everything, he always earned more money, generally things were much easier for him. That made me a bit jealous and bitter. I felt I had to get out of that, try it on my own and "prove" to myself that I am actually also successful and good and worthy. He fought his own daemons also. We didn't split up because we didn't love each other anymore, we split up because - as I said - we both had to fight our own daemons.
    There was a lot of talking and a lot of tears. We left each other in good terms.

    We now life in two different parts of the world and haven't seen us since. In the beginning we tried keeping in touch but it didn't really work. We had a few months without any communication, which was healthy for both of us.
    We both found different partners; I met an amazing guy, we had a lot of fun together but I was never in love with him. I split up with him because I can't spend my life with someone I'm not in love with. My ex also is in a relationship that he's "trying" to end. He's with a girl and she cannot financially sustain herself, that's why they still live together. He tells me that he also is not in love and I believe him.

    Recently we talked about meeting each other. It was the first time that he actually seriously thought about it. I think it's a little progress. I know I can't push him and have to leave it up to him but he knows I'm ready to see him. I have to leave the ball in his hands.
    As I said, we life like 15 hours of flight apart, so it's not easy to plan. I would like to meet him to see if we both still have feelings or if it's over and done with. It would help me close a chapter, I feel I HAVE TO see him, no matter the result. Many times in the past I felt that I just HAD TO see him but now I actually feel READY. Now the time would be ripe.

    One part of me wants us back together. I would not want to take the same "underdog" part in the relationship anymore. I have personally developed and we would really start a "new", different relationship.
    Another part doubts that we will find common ground again after all this time. We both also haven't fully resolved our personal issues.

    I do feel he's the love of my life, I think we just had difficult circumstances and not the right help to resolve our issues, otherwise I am almost sure it would have worked.

    What do you guys think? Should I seriously work towards meeting him, no matter the outcome or forget about him entirely and get him out of my life?

    Thanks guys!


  • #2
    He's in a relationship. What does that tell you about him that he would be communicating with you and telling you details about his relationship and talking about meeting? What it tells me is that he's lacking in integrity and basic decency. And it also tells me that nothing would change if you were to get back together. He might get tired of you again and start talking to his ex.

    The two of you didn't break up because of your 'daemons.' You broke up because there was something huge missing in your relationship.

    You say you spent three years together. Were those three years physically together or was some/ most of that long distance? How long did you actually live together?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Hey Sarah

      We lived together for those 3 years.


      • #4
        Maybe it just wasn't the right time in your lives earlier. What seems suspicious is the fact that he seems to be having a similar problem with his current girlfriend that he had with you: the difference in income and social status. Who is this guy? The prime minister of South Korea? I feel like it may be high time that either you lose your inferiority complex around him and hold your own or you simply don't associate with the likes of him. You'll always feel intimidated and less-than and it may have to do with him and his Almighty attitude when it comes to his opinions about what women should be.


        • #5
          I agree with Sarah. He's in a relationship and you're not thinking straight. He's not available to be with you so the fact that YOU think you're READY to meet him now is irrelevant. He's not single. Stop talking to him so you can actually get over this idiot that lives 15 hours away and is in a relationship that he's surely just fine being in but is too weak to just tell you that so that you can go away and find your own man.

          Get yourself into therapy so that you learn to respect yourself enough to tell men that are not single to contact you when and if they have ditched the person they are in a relationship with.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


          • #6
            I think you're wasting your time and energy on a guy who resides 15 hours away from you. Whenever relationships are a hassle to sustain due to inconvenient and unrealistic geography, they rarely endure if at all. In a way, he's already in a co-habitating, live-in relationship and again, seeing him once in a while due to long distance travel is not feasible for a serious relationship. You won't be able to forget about him but I think you should prepare yourself to move on without him in your life. In the future, keep in mind that local relationships tend to last longer IMHO.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


            • #7
              Thanks for your replies!

              quick explanation about the geography thing:
              We both have a kind of odd jobs and we are kind of free about where in the world we want to work. in the beginning of our relationship we met in one part of the world, traveled to the other part of the world together and lived there together for 3 years. And when we split up, we went separate ways again - also geographically speaking.

              So the idea is to meet in the middle for a weeks or so, see if we still have the same feelings for each other and then take it from there. Possibly i would move to his side of the world.

              But now that i write that down, it sounds awfully complicated. All the moving and traveling and me again moving for HIM to HIS country... And then not knowing if it really works.

              And then yeah, there's the fact that he's in a relationship. He said he "is ending it", but yeah, until now he's still not single.

              About the respecting myself thing you're probably right. It's been 10 months since we split up, I've been with guys during this time, even had an quite long affair but I'm still thinking about my ex. Now thinking about getting back together even though it would be quite complicated.

              What's wrong with me?
              What can I do to really forget about him and this idea of coming together again and heal myself?


              • #8
                Are you afraid of being alone? You sound like you've been serial dating. (one after the other without any solid block of being single). The outcome is that you've conditioned your mind to believe that happiness comes only from being romantically attached to someone.


                • #9
                  No, the problem stems from her not accepting that there are other men in the world besides her ex and she hasn't yet accepted that her relationship with him is over. Had she accepted that, she would be well on her way to being indifferent to said ex and would begin to see the value in the other men she has dated. She'll never see the value in someone else as long as she continues to value her ex that is in a relationship.
                  Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 28th, 2018, 03:36 PM.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!