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My almost 4 years relationship ended because my gf finally identified as a lesbian

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  • My almost 4 years relationship ended because my gf finally identified as a lesbian

    So, my almost 4 years relationship ended because my girlfriend finally identified as a lesbian

    We've been together since 2014 and she was/is my first real love. The relationship was great, we had a lot of problems but we were good for each other and we loved each other very much. Since the beggining she used to say to me that she was attracted to women, she told me that when she was a teenager she thought that she was gay but never really got a chance to try dating or just kissing a woman. All through out relationship i knew that she had no attraction to men and always asked her why she was with me if she didnt feel attraction to men. She always said that it was because I was good to her and made her feel loved and safe. She never identified herself as a lesbian, always said that maybe she was bi, she didnt know exactly. The relationship continued and we still loved each other very much, untill she came to me out of nowhere and said that if i wanted I could have sex with other women because she couldnt give me sex like i wanted (our sex life was the big problem in the relationship). She said she wanted to have a open relationship because she wanted me to have sex with other women and consequently she would too, but only women. I couldnt handle the thought of her with someone else so I talked to her and we were figuring things out. Almost all through the relationship I talked to her and told her that if ever she got to a point where she knew for sure she was lesbian I wanted her to talk to me and I would help her through it all (we would break up but I would help her as she didnt really have any friends). A week ago she came to me after her therapy and said she wanted to break up because she's a lesbian. I asked her if she was sure and if she really felt that way, she said yes. I understood her and accepted that our relationship was over. To me it was over at least a year ago but I still loved her very much and she was SO good to me, as I suffer from depression and anxiety. She was the BEST thing that ever happened to me and even now that Im suffering from the break up I still feel this way. Im happy for her, she can finally be who she is. But I feel lost, I lost my emotional anchor, thats what she was for me. I want to stay friend with her but we cant right now. Everytime i talk to her she feels bad and says she just wants to get through our break up and talking to me made her feel sad. The thing is, talking to her makes me feel SOOOOOOO much better, as she helped me all through my darkest time with the depression and everything. I feel lost, can't talk to the person who was the only one who could make me feel better because she actually doesnt want to talk to me for awhile, she wants to do things without me and figure out who she really is. I understand all that, and respected her wishes. Also, I still cant talk to her as a friend because she was my whole world, my best friend and my lover. A week after our break up i told her that I was unfriending her on facebook and was deleting her phone number from my phone because it was torture having the option to talk to her and not being "allowed" to do it. She understood and told me that she met a girl on an dating app. She told me the girl was making her feel better and I asked her if she would want to have something (be with) this girl, she said maybe. I know that this girl is just a band-aid, just something to help her get through our break up and all, so that doesnt really bother me. I know that someday I will get better and life will have a purpose and be good again, BUT right now I feel as if someone died, I miss her so much and im not being able to function. Im starting a company by myself and cant really afford not to work. So thats why I wrote this whole thing, I want to hear from people who went through something like I did (the partner found out that she/he is gay) or just a bad break up in general. I wanna read your story so I can have some hope and keep my head above water, off the idea of suicide (I wont ever do it but thats what my head is giving me as a solution to the pain). I want to hear how you survived this tragedy so I can do it too. Sorry, my english is a bit rusty and Im not really in the mood to correct the whole text because I know its kind of pathetic, makes me look like a week person. Thank You.

  • #2
    Hey SimplyBrazilian.

    You're going through rough times right now. I'm sorry about that. You already know things will get better, and that's great. It's all a matter of time before things settle down and you'll be feeling like yourself again.
    You're doing great, ending contact with her. That's exactly what you need to be doing right now. It's rough, but it will help you a lot down the line.

    My current boyfriend went through a similar situation as you. His ex of 7 years came out as lesbian too. I can only tell you that for a while, he too felt lost and heartbroken. But these wounds heal, and he was able to move on. He took some time to figure out what he wanted in life, worked on himself, got a new job, started working out, reconnected with some long lost friends and found his own happiness.
    Once he was feeling happier again, he was open to meeting someone new, and here we are. We couldn't be happier.

    So hang in there. You'll get there!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Ayla View Post
      Hey SimplyBrazilian.

      You're going through rough times right now. I'm sorry about that. You already know things will get better, and that's great. It's all a matter of time before things settle down and you'll be feeling like yourself again.
      You're doing great, ending contact with her. That's exactly what you need to be doing right now. It's rough, but it will help you a lot down the line.

      My current boyfriend went through a similar situation as you. His ex of 7 years came out as lesbian too. I can only tell you that for a while, he too felt lost and heartbroken. But these wounds heal, and he was able to move on. He took some time to figure out what he wanted in life, worked on himself, got a new job, started working out, reconnected with some long lost friends and found his own happiness.
      Once he was feeling happier again, he was open to meeting someone new, and here we are. We couldn't be happier.

      So hang in there. You'll get there!
      Thank you so much

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Ayla View Post
        Hey SimplyBrazilian.

        You're going through rough times right now. I'm sorry about that. You already know things will get better, and that's great. It's all a matter of time before things settle down and you'll be feeling like yourself again.
        You're doing great, ending contact with her. That's exactly what you need to be doing right now. It's rough, but it will help you a lot down the line.

        My current boyfriend went through a similar situation as you. His ex of 7 years came out as lesbian too. I can only tell you that for a while, he too felt lost and heartbroken. But these wounds heal, and he was able to move on. He took some time to figure out what he wanted in life, worked on himself, got a new job, started working out, reconnected with some long lost friends and found his own happiness.
        Once he was feeling happier again, he was open to meeting someone new, and here we are. We couldn't be happier.

        So hang in there. You'll get there!
        Great share, Ayla
        Well done, sweetie
        The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

        Comment


        • #5
          I think there's a major point not addressed here: You seem co-dependent while you were together and she was your golden crutch. She left a void because it looks like you depended on her to make you happy at one point; she wiped up your cuts, put bandages on you and made sure you were tucked in and always felt comfy. You're going to have to figure out a way out of this rut you scooped yourself into and act like a grown up. You called her your emotional anchor. Do you have any idea what it's like having to be an anchor? An anchor is a deadweight that holds ships out at sea. Ships not paper planes. She had to play mommy with you even though she never felt fulfilled herself. She sounds like a saint for putting up with you.

          What I hope you'll realize in time is that your happiness and consistency in your moods and emotions should come within you. Don't expect anyone to be your emotional anchor. It means you're not making good life decisions and you're not fully happy with yourself. Work on that if you want to be in a relationship again.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
            I think there's a major point not addressed here: You seem co-dependent while you were together and she was your golden crutch. She left a void because it looks like you depended on her to make you happy at one point; she wiped up your cuts, put bandages on you and made sure you were tucked in and always felt comfy. You're going to have to figure out a way out of this rut you scooped yourself into and act like a grown up. You called her your emotional anchor. Do you have any idea what it's like having to be an anchor? An anchor is a deadweight that holds ships out at sea. Ships not paper planes. She had to play mommy with you even though she never felt fulfilled herself. She sounds like a saint for putting up with you.

            What I hope you'll realize in time is that your happiness and consistency in your moods and emotions should come within you. Don't expect anyone to be your emotional anchor. It means you're not making good life decisions and you're not fully happy with yourself. Work on that if you want to be in a relationship again.
            Never thought about it in that way. Part of it is true and I realize that it was unfair of me to do that to her. I think that this happened in her part too, until she started seeing a therapist. That helped her a lot, she became more independent and that's when the relationship started to get really heavy. She matured so much to a point where I needed her more than she needed me.
            Since the break up i've been thinking about who I was before the relationship and realized that I lost myself in it. I became who she needed me to be, and stopped doing things I wanted to do. I never felt bad for not doing what I wanted because It became less important to me as I was doing things I thought would make her happy. I lost who I was/am.
            Im going to start seeing a therapist tomorrow, and im goint to talk to her (the therapist) about all of this. Because Im starting to get angry at myself for letting things get to this point.
            But all in all, I've already made a lot of progress. Im starting to feel like myself again and thats awesome.
            Thank you all for taking the time to reply, if anyone has anything else to say i'll be glad to read it.
            Last edited by SimplyBrazilian; February 27th, 2018, 01:18 PM.

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