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Girlfriend leaves me for her ex because she feels neglected and leaves me confused

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  • Girlfriend leaves me for her ex because she feels neglected and leaves me confused

    TL;DR - Girlfriend doesn't feel loved because I don't have time because of uni. She drunkenly calls her ex to pick her up from a party, they kiss, he sleeps at her place. That gets her feelings back up for him and she leaves me saying she can't forget him. But she still seems interested in me.

    I've known my girlfriend since June 2017, and we've been together Since August 2017. We've had a wonderful summer and a wonderful time. I've met her entire family and she met mine, I met all her friends, made trips, made each other expensive gifts for christmas, spent our birthdays, new years eve and christmas together and had a wonderful time. However, around the start of December, she started telling me that she felt like I didn't really love her. Like she was more than a "Friend for special purposes" for me. December was the beginning of a very important phase of my life - the most important one yet - my last semester of Uni. I had 7 exams and 2 projects cramped into the last semester, because I really wanted to finish. Of course this meant a lot of work in the evenings and on the weekends. And my girlfriend felt that. I didn't write her on WhatsApp much, and when we met then usually just to watch a movie or go to a bar where her friends work. Whenever I slept at her place I've had to leave before noon next morning to get uni stuff done later in the day. Whenever we met I could never let myself go completely, because I always had uni in the back of my head. I gave her the most valuable thing I had at that moment - my time, to spend with her. And when I was with her, I didn't feel at ease because of all the work I had. That made her feel like she didn't mean much to me. I told her that I really love her, but that she has to understand my situation. She is a dental assistant and already working for 6 years, she comes home and has free time, also on the weekends. I, as an university student, do not. I told her to please understand me and to give me some time till after my exams, because I will start an internship (starting Feb. 26th) , will have time on the weekends and in the evening, and I will finally earn money. And she would profit from that too

    Then came Saturday, January 20th, 2018. I slept at her place, then went home, and later that day she picked me up to go to IKEA together. Everything was fine, she wanted to spent time with me, I felt that, the way she acted and looked at me. At around 18:00 she dropped me off at my place and drove home. I wrote her that I love her and she wrote she loves me too. 20:30 she wrote that she's going to a bar with a friend of mine, and at 23:30 she wrote that they drove to a club in another part of town. Then, at 01:00 in the morning on sunday, she wrote that's she's pretty wasted and that she loves me. At 11:00AM on sunday, she wrote that she's now woken up and feeling fine, and that her friend is pretty wasted.

    Then, the entire next week, she ignored me. I wanted to see her on monday - she was tired from work and wanted some rest. Tuesday she was with a friend, Wednesday she was with her mom, Friday with another friend. I felt that there was something wrong. All her replies to any text messages by me were without any emotion and never longer than 5 words. On Saturday (January 27th) she said that she would come by my place at 20:00. When time came, she came in without looking at me, went into the bedroom, started crying and said that she wants to break up, because I'm not the right guy for her. She wants to start a family and that I'm not in the position to do so. I said, right now, I'm just not in a situation for kids, since I'm still in Uni, but that will change very soon, please give us a second chance, and some time until I'm done with Uni. She said "I better go now" and left. The next morning, I wrote her a giant WhatsApp message explaining my feelings to her and asking her for forgiveness and understanding for my situation. In the evening, she dropped the bomb.

    She wrot me that when she was out with her friend, she called her ex boyfriend at 3AM and asked him to drive her home. He did. And they kissed, and he slept at her place, but they did not have sex (she said). She said that she felt terrible and wasn't able to tell it to my face, that she's afraid that it'll never be good between us again, and that she loves me. She and her ex have been together for 6 years since 2010. They both graduated school at the same time, moved in together, and he got her pregnant in 2014. It wasn't planned, but they accepted it. But she lost the baby. And one month later, he left her and moved out. Around a year later, he was back at her door, and she let him in. They spent the night, and he left next morning. But later in the day she saw him together with another woman - he pretty much just used her for Sex. 7 months later (she was single in the meantime) we met.

    She said that she was drunk and didn't feel loved, and she knew that she just had to snap her fingers and her ex would be right back, giving her attention (?!?!), that they went through a lot together and that he is basically the love of her life. And that brought her feelings back up for him. She didn't know what to do - on the one side me, who's always good to her but doesn't give her enough attention and who only gives her some "superficial" love, on the other side him, who she spent 6 years with but broke her heart multiple times. She didn't go to work the entire week because she felt sick and bad. I told her again that she should take her time and when time comes, we'll sit down together and talk about it all.

    After two weeks of complete silence from my side (and in the middle of my exams), I write her if she feels better and if we want to meet. She said we don't need to, she spent a lot of time thinking and it wouldn't help our relationship. She believed in us but lost hope, because she can't forget her ex. She really doesn't want to hurt me, and I'm still important to her, but she's lost hope due to her ex. Then she changed profile pictures, instagram and whatsapp status and changed relationship on facebook to single. I was devastated. She now has daily contact to her ex, and they spent the entire past weekend together.

    Here's my question: What should I do? I love this woman, and what she did absolutely doesn't fit to her personality. And there were absolutely no signs that this would all happen. She went from an "I love you", to "I'm calling my ex because I don't feel loved" within 2 hours. I feel like this is just a phase and she will eventually realize what she did and what she lost with me. I think she's just spending time with him to get everything I couldn't give her (yet). Also she doesn't really show that she's back with him, she's pretty much hiding him. No pictures with him, no changed status messages on WhatsApp or Instagram or profile picture changes. Should I write her things to let her know that I still think of her and want her back, or should I continue ignoring her completely? Because she still seems interested. She's still following me on Instagram and looking at my story, and also she hasn't blocked me on facebook. We meant it serious with each other. She wanted to forget her ex really badly, because he hurt her. She was honest, and I believed her. I wanted to help her look at the future, not at the past. I also believe that her entire family and friends are in my favor - I mean as a dad, would you prefer the dude who got your daughter pregnant and left her twice, or the good dude with the uni degree (almost)?

    Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading and your advice. I hope you understand my situation.

  • #2
    What you can and should do is start cutting her out of your life and your memory. You didn't do anything wrong. You were working towards a goal and rightly so didn't allow any distractions to derail your plans. She behaved like an entitled little princess and decided she couldn't delay her gratification long enough for you to finish your degree. Plus, she listened to the siren call of her unstable and self-centered ex. She is immature and impulsive, and you should be happy, in a way, that she is now out of your life.

    Of course it hurts. Of course it will hurt. But the sooner you start the healing process, the better. I was just reading about Ashton Kucher this morning and how he got over Demi Moore. He said he went up into the mountains and camped out for a week with no cell phones or other electronic devices. He simply wrote everything out that was in his head. Maybe you need to take an emotional camping trip and put away all means of looking at what she's doing and whom she's seeing for a week or two. Doing that will go a long way to helping you heal
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Yes. Cut her out of your life in all ways... social media, cell phone, email, even in your thoughts you should quickly change any thinking on her to something else.

      You sound like a great guy with a good future ahead of you, you're smart enough to be focused on your career. You deserve a mature woman who understands how important you getting through Uni is and would understand when you may not be there all of the time but you are giving her what time you can spare.

      This girl is a flake and she's too immature to go five minutes without your full attention. Let her go, finish school, get yourself a fantastic job and show her what she missed out on.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


      • #4
        Thanks for you replies. I appreciate it.

        In my head I'm already done with her, but my heart is still attached. It hurts, and it's hard, but I will get over it.


        • #5
          Yeah I’d continue ignoring her and move on. They don’t typically respond well to letters, apologies, etc. If it’s meant to b she’ll come to you and even if she does I wouldn’t jump into things. Take this time to focu on u right now, your goals, etc. Good luck!


          • #6
            A couple hours ago she hid her Instagram story from me, a friend told me she uploaded a picture with her ex. Seems like she doesn't want me to see it, she'll probably make her story visible to me again in two days when the picture is gone. No idea why she does this.
            I've unfollowed her now and deleted her on facebook. Time to move on, even though it's hurts really bad to let go of the time we had together.

            Last edited by drbnn; February 22nd, 2018, 01:58 PM.