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Pending encounter with ex gf (concert I booked for her before the split). 3 months NC

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  • Pending encounter with ex gf (concert I booked for her before the split). 3 months NC

    Quick background: Sheís 22, Iím 28. Together for 7 months. Broke up 3 months ago. Iím emotionally neutral and sheís insecure. I did so many things to ease her insecurity and Iíve told her how great (etc.) she is, but thatís being a pleaser and putting her on a pedestal and she lost interest. I booked her favorite band for a concert soon (as a gift while we were together) and it might get awkwardÖ Details below.

    I follow my purpose and passion in life by playing and teaching music. She was attracted to me for following my heart, but definitely got jealous at the attention it was getting me. All other aspects of the relationship were fine. Iím an easy-going guy and I never complained about much, so I didnít really challenge her emotionally I guess. She has trust issues from an ex who cheated on her, though we never talked that through too much (she didn't want to and I didn't want to pry).

    So she felt like she wasnít a priority and asked me why I wouldnít pursue other girls that she thought might be better than her. I spent our whole relationship showing her that SHE was the one I wanted. Then once she knew, she didnít want me. Go figure.

    Two months before the split she had a lot of big things happen to her. She moved, her cat died, changed birth control, and started her elementary teaching job for the first time. Thatís a lot for a 22 y/o girl transitioning from college. She admitted that she didnít think we would last during this period, but we talked and I boosted her confidence that we could certainly alter our relationship temporarily to help her get through this stressful time. We altered the relationship, but she definitely changed and became more distant. I also lost my masculine center during this time while I was trying to be there for her and be supportive. As a result, she said she saw me more as a friendÖ

    NOW, I have an upcoming awkward situation next week. About 3 weeks before our breakup 3 months ago, I had pulled some strings and surprised her by booking her favorite band at our local venue (I have connections lol). It was confirmed, so thereís no backing out. She had been really looking forward to it, then we broke up shortly after. Weíve both been in no contact and the show is coming up next week. Iím not sure if sheíll be there or not, but Iím just looking for advice on how to handle the situation. If she doesnít come to HER show? If she shows up and avoids me in the small venue? If she shows up with another guy? If she shows up and is friendly, but not interested in me still? For the record, I would be interested in trying again because I have grown and been improving my weaknesses, but only if she is doing the same.

    Looking for advice or stories of similar situations.
    Much love. Thanks.

  • #2
    Why not shoot her a text and ask her if she's going?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      I don't think it's a good idea for the concert to be the place to meet for the first time in awhile. You both had some unfinished business and serious issues as a couple (insecurity and constant need for affirmation). Building your hopes up and hinging your success moving forward or continuing to get to know each other meeting for the first time in a long time at a concert is deceptive. It's deceptive because you're in a noisy and public environment and possibly not going to be operating under normal circumstances. Alcohol? Some other mood enhancers, let's say? Endorphins and rush of excitement because of the success of the musical enterprise and coordination involved at this venue.

      If you want to give this a serious shot talk to her ahead in advance and see if she would like to meet you for lunch or dinner somewhere. I think you are still holding on the the relationship because of this one planned event and it will really prolong and distort your thoughts on whether the relationship is really over. I personally wouldn't put myself through that as tempting as it would be.

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      • #4
        I'm just trying to not reach out cause it's been good for the recovery. I left things off by saying "If your feelings change and I'm still available, give me a call."
        She knows when the show is. She marked her calendar and sees it on Facebook.
        And whether she says "yes" or "no," I'm still gonna be in the same situation. I would just feel weird asking her out, just out of the blue after she broke it off three months ago. Right?
        Last edited by tfac22; February 15th, 2018, 06:31 PM.

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        • #5
          You already put the ball in her court. Approaching her again is redundant and appears needy.

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          • #6
            Then just go to the concert. Are your seats together? If not, if you see her, just smile and say hi and move on.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              I actually ran into her at a different concert several weeks ago (way bigger venue) and said "Hi, how are you?" and that was it. Chatted for 2 seconds and walked away. Then we caught eyes a few more times throughout the night and she seemed like she was struggling with seeing me for the first time after the split. Now it will be two months after that encounter... I'm just gonna do the same thing, but this is a way smaller venue, so it will be harder to kind of walk away haha

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              • #8

                If she doesn't attend the show, chalk it up as her loss. No harm no foul. If she attends and avoids you, follow her cue, respect her wishes and avoid her. If she deliberately avoids eye contact with you and ignores you, you do the same and go about your own business. If she's polite, you be cordial and polite in return. If not, leave her alone. She's a big girl. If she attends with another guy or a date, leave them be and let them enjoy the show. If she's friendly, you be nice and polite but leave it at that. Don't go overboard to the point of unnatural. Let her be the one to let you know if she's interested in rekindling the relationship with you or not by her silent treatment or with what she says. Don't push it. Once you broke up, consider it final. You'll know if she is willing to try again but don't get your hopes up too much otherwise you'll be disappointed later.

                My experience had been after a falling out with anyone, I felt my best to heal by giving myself time to recover. Next, I surrounded myself with normal, stable, mentally healthy people who were compatible to me. All weirdos and people who behaved oddly and strangely were cleaned out of my life as if I purged and decluttered my closet. I was hurt for a long time but eventually I had "turned the corner" and felt that this is the new normal. People who have their act together have positive influences on me and I'm calmer and content as of late.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                  If she doesn't attend the show, chalk it up as her loss. No harm no foul. If she attends and avoids you, follow her cue, respect her wishes and avoid her. If she deliberately avoids eye contact with you and ignores you, you do the same and go about your own business. If she's polite, you be cordial and polite in return. If not, leave her alone. She's a big girl. If she attends with another guy or a date, leave them be and let them enjoy the show. If she's friendly, you be nice and polite but leave it at that. Don't go overboard to the point of unnatural. Let her be the one to let you know if she's interested in rekindling the relationship with you or not by her silent treatment or with what she says.
                  This ^^

                  Don't contact her. Go to the concert and play it by ear.
                  Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                  • #10
                    Thanks for the help guys!

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                    • #11
                      How did it go?
                      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                      • #12
                        ....
                        Last edited by tfac22; February 26th, 2018, 02:58 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post
                          How did it go?
                          She did show up...by herself, which was a surprise. She was very nervous and put on a "tough girl" attitude which was very awkward. It's like she had the guts to come up and say "Hi" and try to not lead me on, but when I started a conversation and asked her what she'd been up to, she just gave short and strange answers. Then when I said some things about myself, her responses were off topic, then apologized for going off topic...

                          After the show ended we spoke again. She was very stiff again, so I asked her if she was okay and that she seemed really tense and uptight. She just shrugged it off. I mean it's been four months since she broke it off and I kept it cool and normal, but she was really odd. I'm feeling bad for her now, which is making me feel weird haha.

                          She broke it off four months ago and still views all my Snapchat stories within an hour or two. I peeked at her Spotify and saw that she's listening to mostly sad, retrospective, "me and you" type music. I just texted her the next day saying that it was good to see her, but that she wasn't herself. And that if she needs to talk, she can contact me. But if not, I hope she's really doing well (which it seems like she's not).

                          Am I over analyzing? Did I play it right? How am I doing better that her now? Is she just still guilty for ending it, or still have feelings?
                          Last edited by tfac22; February 26th, 2018, 03:07 PM.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by tfac22 View Post

                            She did show up...by herself, which was a surprise. She was very nervous and put on a "tough girl" attitude which was very awkward. It's like she had the guts to come up and say "Hi" and try to not lead me on, but when I started a conversation and asked her what she'd been up to, she just gave short and strange answers. Then when I said some things about myself, her responses were off topic, then apologized for going off topic...

                            After the show ended we spoke again. She was very stiff again, so I asked her if she was okay and that she seemed really tense and uptight. She just shrugged it off. I mean it's been four months since she broke it off and I kept it cool and normal, but she was really odd. I'm feeling bad for her now, which is making me feel weird haha.

                            She broke it off four months ago and still views all my Snapchat stories within an hour or two. I peeked at her Spotify and saw that she's listening to mostly sad, retrospective, "me and you" type music. I just texted her the next day saying that it was good to see her, but that she wasn't herself. And that if she needs to talk, she can contact me. But if not, I hope she's really doing well (which it seems like she's not).

                            Am I over analyzing? Did I play it right? How am I doing better that her now? Is she just still guilty for ending it, or still have feelings?
                            She feels her less than acquaintance type relationship with you is AWKWARD. I would've played it less than what you did. If she's interested in you, let her take the action while you do nothing and go about your way in life. If she won't engage anymore, it's time for both of you to move on with your separate lives. If she wants to be friends, then be friends, follow her cue. If she wishes to remain cool, you act cool and don't be forward because it makes her feel uncomfortable. Yes, you're over analyzing. Back off.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                            • #15
                              Based on that update I think you should start trying to move on from her.

                              She was awkward at your reunion. Sounds like she wasn't really interested in what is going on with you as she kept changing the subject. She shrugged off your attempts to comfort her and talk about feelings. It sure doesn't sound like she's interested in getting back together.

                              You told her to contact you if she likes. That's where you can leave it now.

                              Stop checking up on her Snapchat/Spotify activities, as 1) this is all meaningless, and 2) it will only serve to keep your thoughts focused on her. Cut all that bullshit off so you can start moving on.

                              Good luck.
                              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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