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Struggling with the long distance breakup

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  • Struggling with the long distance breakup

    Hi all, this is my first post so be kind

    i recently broke up with my Gf (2yrs). We met at Uni and became incredibly close, spent most days together and most nights. We had a real connection Iíve never experienced with anyone else, we both fancied each other loads, had great sex, and generally loved spending time together.
    We always had problems during the holidays. We lived around 2 hours apart and she often used to get upset with me for not organising things or making enough effort with her. We still saw each other loads, itís just she did the organising and suggesting rather than me.

    Towards the end of uni we became ridiculously close and we would tell each other things we had never told anyone before, not even parents or best friends. She then decided to go on a Ski season on the other side of the World. She kept making me assure her we would be ok and wouldnít split up. I always did, but never very convincingly as I never liked all that soppy relationship stuff. Towards the end of that summer I started work so we only saw each other every other weekend. She struggled with this because she was used to Uni where we would be together all the Time, whereas I was a bit less worried because Iím quite a laid back character.
    she then went to Her ski season. Through a combination of me being lazy, the distance, and the time difference we never got to speak. I didnít reply to her texts enough and we could only phone on her days off once a week because of the time difference. After a while she really began to struggle and I didnít realise until it was too late. I started staying up really late to speak but by that point I think she had already decided she couldnít continue. Iíd offered to fly out and see her, but she said she didnít think I could, even after begging me to come in the weeks and months beforehand.

    She then split up with me, she cited reasons like it not working for both of us and being in different places in our lives. We both were in tears when it happened and I couldnít help sending her long emotional texts in the days after. I then called her a week or so later to try win her back but it ended up getting a big argumentative. She then told me that I had hurt her by not making enough effort in the past and she was worried that our future would be too hard because we wouldnít be able to see each other all the time like at uni. However, she did agree we were so close and got on so well with each other that we should remain friends.
    The weened she broke up with me Iíve never felt so bad, and now, 4 weeks on I still think about her all the time. She broke up with me 3 months after going away, and has another 3 months till she gets back.

    She wont talk about the relationship at all, but is happy to talk about how sheís doing and how her work is etc. I know she still has feelings for me. She said she still loved me and wanted to make the relationship work a week before she broke up with me. I just donít get how she turned so quickly.

    is there any hope for us? Should I send her a letter? If so what should it say?
    Any advice would be extremely helpful, Iím so miserable currently and just wish I could talk to her.

  • #2
    From what I hear, you two are just incompatible.
    You're both on other ends of the scale. She wants (needs/demands) to be in touch with her SO constantly. She has made it pretty clear that she wants a man who takes initiative and reassures her all the time. I'd find this exhausting to be honest and I can see why you couldn't give her what she needed.
    You're a more laid back person. Maybe you didn't give her enough attention, maybe her need for attention was just unreasonable. Whatever it is, there's no way the two of you, with your different attitudes towarsd relationships can make this work in the long run.

    As tough as it is, I think the break-up was for the better. Take time to heal.
    End contact with her - tell her you need time to yourself to get over her and you can't do that while you're still in touch.
    You're missing her right now, but realise that this feeling will pass eventually. You'll be okay!
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      These things are always difficult. Don't blame yourself. You're fighting against impossible logistics. Long distance and expectations that don't fit. It's not because you didn't text her enough. It's because she wants to explore different options in her life. She summed it up well when she said you were both in different places in your lives.

      You need to stop contacting her and start the healing process. The 'being friends' thing after a breakup rarely works and only serves to prolong the agony. You need to go cold turkey.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


      • #4
        I think the thing was I was just a tad lazy. When she really mentioned she was struggling I stayed up, chatted to her loads, reassured her loads and was fine with it. It was my first proper relationship and so I think I was slightly naive as to what girls really need. At the end of the day Iím still completely in love with her and would do anything to get her back. If it meant making changes in my life I would be more than happy too. Iím trying to move on and not speak to her , but the urge is ridiculous. Having not seen her in 3 months all I want to do Is see her and talk to her. I think sheís finding it easier because sheís constantly busy skiing and has loads of friends around and is going out all the time etc.
        Should I really just completely stop contact with her, will she forget about me if I do that? Thereís still so much I want to say to her because we didnít really chat about the breakup properly due to the distance whereas I feel like with face to face breakups youíre afforded that opportunity.
        Also she was a real catch for me, everything I wanted in a woman from looks to personality. That makes it even harder


        • #5
          Unfortunately, you weren't the catch for her. No, I don't think you should contact her. She's having loads of fun skiing with her friends. If she wanted to chat with you, she'd do it. She obviously doesn't want to.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


          • #6
            I don't see why she needs constant reassurance. It was her decision to go skiing some place else involving a plane ticket between point A and point B. If she was testing you or her, that was a poorly calculated move because she turned up the heat in the kitchen and couldn't stay in it to cook breakfast.

            You don't seem lazy to me. I think you seem a bit burnt out and you want to relax and stop having to feeling like there's a problem all the time that you have to fix or her that you have to fix. Unless you have other women (female friends) in your life, your family is manipulative or you have friends with half a brain or any other influence perceived as a threat to the relationship, a healthy person shouldn't be demanding so much reassurance.


            • #7
              I'm sorry you're miserable. She broke up with you and she has since moved on with her life as should you even though it is difficult. Relationships usually don't last if there are too many miles between you and her. It's exciting at first and then it becomes a hassle to maintain long term. Some girls consider relationships temporary and then there are other girls who are more serious for long term. You're both in college and very busy. Try not to be so sad. You'll meet new girls in the future including after your graduate. When I was enrolled in college, life was too frenetically paced but after college, that's when the real fun began because I had time to enjoy socializing. Also, I met a new crop of people in my age bracket from all over the country once I entered the work world. This will happen to you, too. Hang in there!
              Last edited by chanelle; February 9th, 2018, 10:21 PM.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


              • #8
                My problem is she was so keen for something series and long term. I just wished I had know I wanted that at the time. I donít know if sheís really moved on or is just trying to. We were so close it seems impossible to have turned bad so quickly. Iíll still hope that we can get back together when she gets back in a few months.


                • #9
                  I think she thought she wanted to work things out but then she has been given some advice that has changed her mind. Try the no contact rule, as hard as it may seem it is for the best. Keep yourself busy and give it 3 months no contact to get her out of your head as your main focus. Then if she contacts you after 3 months, reevaluate if she is worth giving it a try. You will be a different person by then.