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  • Getting things off my chest.

    Hi, this is my first time on this website so this post might be long but I would really appreciate your point of view.

    These past few years have been overwhelming needless to say. Back in 2013, I had the biggest heartbreak of my life, I did not move on until beginning of last year where I decided I would start dating again.

    This summer, I met this guy, I didnít know had a girlfriend before anything happened. Eventually, one thing led to another and we started fooling around, I canít say we were dating because he never made anything clear. We would never see each other during the day but he would come spend the night from time to time.

    One day, I asked him what this was and he replied: ďwe are what we are..Ē. I didnít want to seem annoying so I didnít make anything out of it. A few weeks after, we were at a club and his girlfriend ( like I said I was clueless at the time) came up to him and was very flirty. So obviously I got mad and asked him what that was about and he said it was his girl but they were on bad terms and on verge of breaking up. I didnít buy so we stopped talking for a while.

    Only, I already caught feelings so when he texted me back a few weeks later.. I replied. Biggest mistake of my life. We started fooling around again until I had to leave the country for a while. He made it clear that he was not with the girl anymore. So i left pretty confident that he didnít have to tell me we were officially together. I guess, I was wrong.

    After a few weeks, I started getting extremely sick and found out I was pregnant. I spoke to him about it and he said he wasnít ready to have a kid.. that I should have an abortion; got extremely mad when I told him I didnít want to. I wanted to keep the baby ( might be selfish of me but going through an abortion was not the plan for me) so I told him I would take care of the baby by myself. I went to see a doctor and found out I was having twins. I was excited, sad but mostly terrified that I was not going to be able to take care of the babies by myself. By that time he stopped talking to me but would text me from time to time to see how I was doing. I would be extremely mean to me for obvious reasons and I was honestly just mad st the universe because of hormones!

    The pregnancy was hard and because of stress I lost them, I was devastated, still am. Still cry every time I see babies.... I didnít really get much support from him. After i came back to the country and he called asking that we see each other. I said yes because deep down after everything that happened I knew I cared about him and I wanted answers. A woman that has feelings is so stubborn! I know...

    We started talking again and one night after a few weeks, after a few drinks we got intimate again.... after that he never called, texted or anything after telling me that he wasnít ready to be in a serious relationship... come to find out he has another girlfriend. Of course, I confronted him about it and all he had to say was:Ē the reason Iíve been silent is because I donít know where I am at currently and since I care about you I donít want to hurt you.. ď

    What do you guys think ? Was I blind all this time or just obnoxiously stupid? The first signs shouldíve given away the fact that he wasnít a serious man. He was all about games. Although I truly think itís unfair that Iím the one left broken hearted with a huge burden on my chest that I lost my twins because of him! How can I move on? I know Iím a fool, I might need other people to tell me.

    Thank you for reading...

  • #2
    Sorry for your loss, Are you seeing someone to help you come to terms with the miscarriage and your self-worth? If you're not, I think it would be a good thing for you to consider.

    He was cheating on his girlfriend when he was being intimate with you so right there, that tells you that he's not a good candidate for a life partner never mind the father of your children. You know you ignored a lot of red flags to be with him, he clearly was showing you in his actions and lack of actions that you were not a priority to him so if you ever see those kinds of red flags again, please don't continue on with any guy that isn't showing you that he values you and that you are his priority.

    Count it as a blessing in disguise that he is no longer in your life nor does he need to be in it in any capacity into the future. You are now free to find a decent and good man who you will have children with when its clear you're loved and it's mutually agreed upon. You'll be all that more wiser and know when to chuck chucklers like this last guy as soon as they show their red flags instead of allowing yourself to be hoovered back in under the same dynamics and lack of commitment.

    Silently thank him for making you all that much more dating savvy and forgive yourself for not protecting your own heart from a man that showed that he did not value you.

    Hope you process all that happened quickly and feel better soon.
    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 7th, 2018, 10:50 PM.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      Sorry for your loss, Are you seeing someone to help you come to terms with the miscarriage and your self-worth? If you're not, I think it would be a good thing for you to consider.

      He was cheating on his girlfriend when he was being intimate with you so right there, that tells you that he's not a good candidate for a life partner never mind the father of your children. You know you ignored a lot of red flags to be with him, he clearly was showing you in his actions and lack of actions that you were not a priority to him so if you ever see those kinds of red flags again, please don't continue on with any guy that isn't showing you that he values you and that you are his priority.

      Count it as a blessing in disguise that he is no longer in your life nor does he need to be in it in any capacity into the future. You are now free to find a decent and good man who you will have children with when its clear you're loved and it's mutually agreed upon. You'll be all that more wiser and know when to chuck chucklers like this last guy as soon as they show their red flags instead of allowing yourself to be hoovered back in under the same dynamics and lack of commitment.

      Silently thank him for making you all that much more dating savvy and forgive yourself for not protecting your own heart from a man that showed that he did not value you.

      Hope you process all that happened quickly and feel better soon.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
        Sorry for your loss, Are you seeing someone to help you come to terms with the miscarriage and your self-worth? If you're not, I think it would be a good thing for you to consider.

        He was cheating on his girlfriend when he was being intimate with you so right there, that tells you that he's not a good candidate for a life partner never mind the father of your children. You know you ignored a lot of red flags to be with him, he clearly was showing you in his actions and lack of actions that you were not a priority to him so if you ever see those kinds of red flags again, please don't continue on with any guy that isn't showing you that he values you and that you are his priority.

        Count it as a blessing in disguise that he is no longer in your life nor does he need to be in it in any capacity into the future. You are now free to find a decent and good man who you will have children with when its clear you're loved and it's mutually agreed upon. You'll be all that more wiser and know when to chuck chucklers like this last guy as soon as they show their red flags instead of allowing yourself to be hoovered back in under the same dynamics and lack of commitment.

        Silently thank him for making you all that much more dating savvy and forgive yourself for not protecting your own heart from a man that showed he did not value you.

        Hope you process all that happened quickly and eel better soon.


        Thank you for your response. You are in fact right. I ignored all the red flags because I was falling for an illusion of him. I will not be fooled again that is for sure.

        The hardest part isnít really losing him, is losing babies that didnít ask for anything. He would not have been a good father, I know that much. I, on the other hand, I was ready. To answer your question I am not seeing anyone but I will soon. I canít do it on my own. It haunts me every night, I cry myself to sleep.

        Thank you again for your response. These are words I needed to read!

        Comment


        • #5
          That is a painful experience. I am sorry also for your loss. I had a similar experience with someone at the time who was not prepared at all to be a father. I immersed myself in photography and found a lot of solace and peace in it. I made the mistake at the time telling one friend about it and that group of friends never spoke to me again although I didn't know why and I never felt more alone in my life. In the end it all worked out. Take care of yourself. Your best source of strength is going to come from within you and forgiving yourself, not keep telling yourself it was your fault that you lost them, and healing from that. Now that you know what all that is like, don't put yourself in that position again. I hope you continue to find healing and peace.

          Comment


          • #6
            I think the guy is a loser, he used you. Yes, you were blind. You were not obnoxiously stupid, just naive. Yes, he took advantage of you, had his fun with you and when you needed him, he left you high and dry. He's a jerk. I'm sorry you lost your twins. You move on by considering the guy as good riddance. You move on by considering this a bad learning experience, knowing what to look for in a man which is QUALITY CHARACTER. At the end of the day, that's what matters most because it is most enduring. Shop around, become very picky and choosy. Avoid the dime-a-dozen guys because all they'll do is cause repeated pain. Finding a great guy and a very moral man is akin to finding a needle in a haystack. Be the type of woman who snatches up a great guy. They're rare. However, they're out there. You just have to be a better judge of high quality character from now on.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              That is a painful experience. I am sorry also for your loss. I had a similar experience with someone at the time who was not prepared at all to be a father. I immersed myself in photography and found a lot of solace and peace in it. I made the mistake at the time telling one friend about it and that group of friends never spoke to me again although I didn't know why and I never felt more alone in my life. In the end it all worked out. Take care of yourself. Your best source of strength is going to come from within you and forgiving yourself, not keep telling yourself it was your fault that you lost them, and healing from that. Now that you know what all that is like, don't put yourself in that position again. I hope you continue to find healing and peace.

              it was indeed a painful experience, unfortunately it still is. I think forgiving myself for allowing it, is my ultimate goal. I havenít been able to sleep without crying since it happened. I was attached to my children more than I was attached to him. I didnít really care about him anymore. I will never put myself in that position again. What Iím trying to figure out is how to overcome it all. Iím miserable. Iím depressed. I think about them all the time... and what pisses me off the most is that heís moving on with his life like nothing ever happened.... Iím sorry you had to go through that experience, I would never wish it upon anyone. Although Iím glad you found your way out of it. If your friends left you in such a horrible time, they werenít your real friends, good riddance! Nevertheless youíre completely right the best source of strength will come from within me.

              Thank you!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                I think the guy is a loser, he used you. Yes, you were blind. You were not obnoxiously stupid, just naive. Yes, he took advantage of you, had his fun with you and when you needed him, he left you high and dry. He's a jerk. I'm sorry you lost your twins. You move on by considering the guy as good riddance. You move on by considering this a bad learning experience, knowing what to look for in a man which is QUALITY CHARACTER. At the end of the day, that's what matters most because it is most enduring. Shop around, become very picky and choosy. Avoid the dime-a-dozen guys because all they'll do is cause repeated pain. Finding a great guy and a very moral man is akin to finding a needle in a haystack. Be the type of woman who snatches up a great guy. They're rare. However, they're out there. You just have to be a better judge of high quality character from now on.
                I donít blame you one bit for thinking that... he is a loser, and I was indeed blind and naive. I wanted to believe something that did not exist. Thank you for reminding me that Iím worth it and what he did was despicable but I allowed it. Thank you again for these words you would never know how much they mean to me in this time.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Jessicawill View Post


                  it was indeed a painful experience, unfortunately it still is. I think forgiving myself for allowing it, is my ultimate goal. I havenít been able to sleep without crying since it happened. I was attached to my children more than I was attached to him. I didnít really care about him anymore. I will never put myself in that position again. What Iím trying to figure out is how to overcome it all. Iím miserable. Iím depressed. I think about them all the time... and what pisses me off the most is that heís moving on with his life like nothing ever happened.... Iím sorry you had to go through that experience, I would never wish it upon anyone. Although Iím glad you found your way out of it. If your friends left you in such a horrible time, they werenít your real friends, good riddance! Nevertheless youíre completely right the best source of strength will come from within me.

                  Thank you!
                  I saw your post yesterday but I didn't know how to respond or lead you to believe something different is about to happen because to be honest with you, I don't think it's something to overcome. I don't feel like I ever overcame it. The ache is still there, all the time. Other things will happen in your life and you have to make peace with it and learn to love life again despite it. You shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for the pain to go away because I don't think it ever does. They will always be a part of you. I hope you find the peace inside you and love finds you again.

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