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broken hearted (long read; bdp, npd, me? nothing?)

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  • broken hearted (long read; bdp, npd, me? nothing?)

    Hey to everyone. I am new here and apologize if my thread is not in the sub-section where it should be. Thanks to everyone in advance for possibly reading my thread and offering any help, thoughts, input and so on.

    I am currently not in my relationship. My girlfriend dumped me in the beginning or November or so; however, much transpired then, before then and after then. She last left me with some texts, including calling me "crazy," after she hung up the phone on me.

    She told me that she needed a break from me and speaking with me, yet she said so after and during periods of talking to me, conveying feelings for me and wanting for us to be in each other's lives.

    There is so much to say that I am deciding to start the OP without a huge wall of text. She and I have not spoken in a little longer than two weeks. I have been devastated, heartbroken and so on since she broke up with me; however, since not speaking with her, I am in much more suffering, agony, anguish and more. I cry almost everyday. I want to speak with her, but I do not because I am trying to protect myself as well as most of what has happened and not happened, how she was and was not, what she did and did not, and so on.

    For how ever long, she dictated if, when and how we would speak. Whether it was via facebook messenger call or text, she blocked me on everything else. She also controlled the conversations, the frequency of communication and so on. I, unfortunately, allowed her to dictate the conditions of communication; therefore, I accepted her control and abuse (I would assert that it is indeed abuse.)

    (extremely short background)
    I love this woman. We planned on marriage and having kids with one another. We moved to Europe together to attend two different grad schools and live together. My source of funds were personal savings. Conversely, her source of funds were supposed to be the leftover money from the disbursement of her federal loan that would pay for her tuition. Her loan allegedly never disbursed. I ran out of money because I chose to try to stay and pay for us both.

    All the while, she seemed unconcerned about what was happening and insisted that I rent an apartment, even though I was the sole payer and my funds were rapidly decreasing. (Skipping some history,) we would talk about the circumstances, especially financially. I ran through lists of people to ask for money so we could stay and afford Europe. She told me that there was no one for her. Just before I went broke, we agreed to return back to the states. I bought a plane ticket for myself and was going to buy one for her, but she asked me if I already bought a ticket to which I said, "yes." She was upset that I performed such an action. With that said, she still said that she was coming back, but needed a few days for a "special approval" for the loan. She pleaded for me to continue spending money for her, even though I had barely any.

    With hardly any money, I paid for her lodging for several days and a plane ticket home. She told me that she would be "homeless" or "living in a women's shelter" if I did not pay for her. I told her that I only had so much money to help.

    I left, which I still regret to this day. After I did, all seemed fine with me and her. We continued to talk, speak lovingly, how we would move in together back in the states and so on. After a few days, I noticed that there was distance between us (e.g. not talking to me as often) and so on. I tried to find out what was happening, but she told me that she just needed a few days to finish the approval for the refund. She told me that me might stay, but she would need for me to pay for a plane ticket home if she was coming back.

    After two weeks, she finally told me that she was staying in Europe. She did not tell me until she was certain that she could stay and had the financial means to stay. She told me that her parents were the party to fund her after I left because I had "abandoned" her. I asked her how her parents had funds for her then, yet they allegedly had no money when I was still in Europe with her.

    I also noticed during those two weeks that she somehow had a working cell phone, yet pretended that she did not have one to me. She decreased in her interaction with me and would tell me that "if she did not want to talk to me, she would not." Additionally, she claimed that I should demand, force her and so on to chat with me. She asserted that I was being controlling.

    She started to blame me for everything that happened in Europe and told me how horrible I was to her. She began to dictate communication as in if and when we would speak. She unfriended me on facebook, blocked me on all communcation apps (e.g. skype, whatsapp and more.)

    She seemingly offered some attempts to repair and continue with our relationship, but as I tried, she would reject and dismiss my attempts. Moreover, she would refuse to talk about how money was a main reason why I left and caused our plans to be altered. She also refused to discuss how she never paid for anything, did not receive the disbursement of her loan and so on.

    I apologized to her. I cried my eyes out to her. I accepted responsibility in what happened, in leaving, and more. I felt so horribly about what happened and how it did. All that mattered to me was her and being in each other's lives.

    After two weeks, she broke up with me. As she did so, she denied what she was doing and how she was doing it. Despite my attempts to apologize, confide my love in her and much, much more, she claimed that I was solely responsible for the breakup and had caused her such stress, duress, traumatized her and so on. She seemingly projected her perspectives unto me, shifted the blame, deceive me, engaged in psychological manipulation, engaged in self deception and more. To the last day we speak, she seemed to exhibit the aforesaid aspects and behavior.


    (There is much, much more before during and after the part of the relationship to which I have written.)

    I tried and have tried to reflect on our relationship, to change how I am, to repent, to apologize, to lament, to accept responsibility, to attempt to reconcile and reconnect with her, but now, we are not even talking or in one another's lives... it kills me.

  • #2
    You'll get a lot of feedback here based on your story and a lot of it won't be pleasant so I hope you have a thick skin and be prepared for some tough love. I think she used you, personally. And you cared about her so much that it blinded you from what was really happening. That's a big risk you took with someone traveling together for an extended period. You'd better pull yourself together and consider this over. Don't try rekindling anything with her either if she comes crawling back. We don't know the entire story and what mistakes you made or the truth of how you both really treated each other but judging from her behaviour at the end, it's obvious that there's no love lost on her end and she's moving on without you.

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    • #3
      I'm sorry for your heartbreak. It's hard to think of this now but time will heal your wounds someday. You don't see it now because your pain is so fresh. Whenever I've felt my worst due to failed relationships, healthy distractions helped me to cope distress. Granted, it did not eliminate all the pain but I was able to somehow get through it vs. not having any outlets. For example, I started working out more and getting back into shape. I exercised diligently and with much discipline daily or at least 3 - 4x week. I never drank nor did drugs so those were not issues. I ate healthier, did what I enjoyed which were hobbies, went places, did sightseeing, read a lot of books from the local library, surrounded myself with stable, solid, high moral character types and became closer to immediate family members who lifted me up. When I became physically healthier, my outlook on life became positive and it was about controlling my life towards positive changes, changing the way I think and going from there. I had more zip in my step. The previous person began to fade away in my mind. I became so busy and distracted in a healthy way that I actually felt my life was better without the previous person in it. Better people came along in my life and I respected their human decency. My priorities had shifted.

      Over time, you see more clarity of the situation while you have your quiet moments and assess the previous relationship. This is the time when you transform pain into wisdom. Instead of hurting, you become brave, have the courage and become smarter. Next, you realize that there are so many personality differences which you can't control. So many people will waft in and out of your lifetime. Unfortunately, along the way, there will be painful relationships which fizzle. Out of those relationships, there will be "thee one" just for you and someone who is very compatible to your personality. Some people are lucky and don't date much and then some people need to shop around. You'll learn to become very picky and choosy.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
        You'll get a lot of feedback here based on your story and a lot of it won't be pleasant so I hope you have a thick skin and be prepared for some tough love. I think she used you, personally. And you cared about her so much that it blinded you from what was really happening. That's a big risk you took with someone traveling together for an extended period. You'd better pull yourself together and consider this over. Don't try rekindling anything with her either if she comes crawling back. We don't know the entire story and what mistakes you made or the truth of how you both really treated each other but judging from her behaviour at the end, it's obvious that there's no love lost on her end and she's moving on without you.
        Much obliged for both reading and replying. Indeed, there is much that I did not share (e.g. entire story, mistakes, objective history and so on.) I just thought to start somewhere and decided that is how and where I would start. I am sorry about that. I do not disagree with your perspective on how she left it and her view and lack of feelings in regards to her and me... A quick add to that tidbit would be that she told me as far as back November that she would start dating other guys (to move on from me, so that she was not so hurt, traumatized and so on.) She said it multiple times over the past few months. She also said that she would not "have sex" with anyone because "she did not have the time" (and only wanted to have sex with me, but there is a story to that part as well...) This is during and after I went back for her to try to reconcile with her around the beginning of December. I was also supposed to go back for Christmas, but I did not (due to multiple events and so on.) Right before we stopped talking, we even discussed the prospect of me visiting her some period of time during the upcoming weeks.

        ...I will share that I am in debt and have told her that numerous times to which she has denied, called me a liar and has still demanded/requested that I pay for various expenses for her both when I was there with her and still dating and even after she dumped me and as we were single and would attempt to convince me of guilt and blame if I did not purchase such expenses for her.
        Last edited by broken_hearted; February 7th, 2018, 08:39 PM.

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        • #5
          I'm sorry for your heartbreak. Even though you won't believe it, you will heal. Your wounds are still fresh right now and I'm sorry for your pain. What helped me cope during times of distress were the following: Exercise, getting back into shape, eating healthier, hobbies, lots of trips to the local library, doing things which I enjoy without depending on someone else to provide my happiness. I became happy within myself and felt secure. My physical and mental well being came first. I focused more on my immediate family and they lifted me up, gave me support. Eventually the previous person in my life began to fade away. My outlook on life became more positive and I became very picky and choosy regarding who was allowed to enter my life from now on. A break from some people is actually good because it gives you time to think, readjust and reprogram your brain. You'll do a reset. Hopefully you'll do what I did which was transform hurt into becoming smarter. You control your life better and calculate in a mentally healthy way. I no longer set myself up for disaster. That's what previous, horrible people in my life had taught me. I hate to say it but bad experiences were a blessing in disguise because wisdom had been gained.

          Since your ex was willing to move on, follow suit and do the same even though it is difficult. I too was called every name in the book. I can also sniff out gaslighters and sociopaths from a mile away. I stay away from those types like the plague.

          Chin up. Over time you'll be better than ok. It's hard to see it now but you'll get there.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by chanelle View Post
            I'm sorry for your heartbreak. Even though you won't believe it, you will heal. Your wounds are still fresh right now and I'm sorry for your pain. What helped me cope during times of distress were the following: Exercise, getting back into shape, eating healthier, hobbies, lots of trips to the local library, doing things which I enjoy without depending on someone else to provide my happiness. I became happy within myself and felt secure. My physical and mental well being came first. I focused more on my immediate family and they lifted me up, gave me support. Eventually the previous person in my life began to fade away. My outlook on life became more positive and I became very picky and choosy regarding who was allowed to enter my life from now on. A break from some people is actually good because it gives you time to think, readjust and reprogram your brain. You'll do a reset. Hopefully you'll do what I did which was transform hurt into becoming smarter. You control your life better and calculate in a mentally healthy way. I no longer set myself up for disaster. That's what previous, horrible people in my life had taught me. I hate to say it but bad experiences were a blessing in disguise because wisdom had been gained.

            Since your ex was willing to move on, follow suit and do the same even though it is difficult. I too was called every name in the book. I can also sniff out gaslighters and sociopaths from a mile away. I stay away from those types like the plague.

            Chin up. Over time you'll be better than ok. It's hard to see it now but you'll get there.
            Thank you very much for your post, kind words, advice and empathy, Chanelle. I am immensely appreciative.

            Even though what I typed is but a a portion of the story, do you find any evidence, instances and so on of narcissism, manipulation, sociopathy?

            I used to date a girl how ever many years ago, who according to much research, thinking and so on, was most likely a sociopath. Although I may not have typed more because I was attempting to not be overwhelming in text in my opening post, there are similarities in behavior (how she chose to be and not be, what she chose to do and not do, and so on) between that ex girlfriend and my current ex girlfriend.

            I will admit that I do blame myself for so much of what happened and is happening now.

            Comment


            • #7
              ...I will share that I am in debt and have told her that numerous times to which she has denied, called me a liar and has still demanded/requested that I pay for various expenses for her both when I was there with her and still dating and even after she dumped me and as we were single and would attempt to convince me of guilt and blame if I did not purchase such expenses for her.
              Why did you finance her entire time with you in Europe? Do you not know how to say "NO?"

              She is a gold digging twisted bitch who used you for your money and when you didn't have anymore, she dumped you. Are you devastated because you are regretting spending your life savings on a woman you were not even married to or are you devastated because she's no longer in your life? I can see your angst over the money but I for the life of me can't see why you're done in because she's gone. She sounds horrible, a shrew of a twat who is cold to the point of freezing.

              What ever did you see in her? Was it the sex? Did she do you like a porn star or something?

              Please give yourself a chance to rehab from the addiction of having her in your life. Once you've gone cold turkey withdrawl through zero contact and acceptance that you are better off without her (which you certainly are) you'll start to feel a lot better. While you're waiting to feel better, consider seeing a therapist to help you with your codependency, and your inability to say "no."

              Feel better soon.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Even though what I typed is but a a portion of the story, do you find any evidence, instances and so on of narcissism, manipulation, sociopathy?
                Not sure but there certainly is evidence of you being a codependent personality who is a people pleaser to a fault.

                I've typed a whole other post but it got flagged as spam and needs to be released by a mod (I assume). It's more to do about what ails you then what she may or may not suffer from.

                You'd be wise to look within and fix what's going on in you then to excuse that by making yourself a victim. She's an evil bitch, no arguing there but you are the one that allowed her to gold dig you into bankruptcy instead of telling her "no" and getting the hell away from her. Why you allowed that to be done to you is what you should be looking into.

                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                  Not sure but there certainly is evidence of you being a codependent personality who is a people pleaser to a fault.

                  I've typed a whole other post but it got flagged as spam and needs to be released by a mod (I assume). It's more to do about what ails you then what she may or may not suffer from.

                  You'd be wise to look within and fix what's going on in you then to excuse that by making yourself a victim. She's an evil bitch, no arguing there but you are the one that allowed her to gold dig you into bankruptcy instead of telling her "no" and getting the hell away from her. Why you allowed that to be done to you is what you should be looking into.
                  Thanks for the reply and input. I have been researching on codependency and other interconnected (and non interconnected topics) as well as reflecting on myself. Simply put, I'd say that I did so because of love. I conditioned myself to accept and allow those conditions. As I said, I hold myself responsible for so much of what happened (and what did not happen) and how it happened (and how it did not happen.) I also am not trying to appear as the victim, even though my message may have seemingly conveyed that. I am attempting to inspect as many aspects, sides and so on as I can and do so with as least impartiality as possible.

                  I suppose that I could expound on the money aspect of the relationship. Money seemed to be a primary part of our relationship, even from the beginning. She always wanted to go out and do what cost money (e.g. attend shows, dinner, movies and so on.) While I had a job and enough income, I was not too concerned about money, but I also attempted to constantly judge and be conscious of my judging, what was happening and so on as history unfolded. Whenever I would limit the spending and/or chit chat with her about it, there was often an extreme reaction. In London, the decision to try and care for her or not was one that I decided to care for her for the sake of caring for her.
                  Last edited by broken_hearted; February 7th, 2018, 10:30 PM.

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                  • #10
                    (unnecessary post)

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                    • #11
                      Yes... it's clear that she was with you for your money. The problem is, you ignored that just to be with her.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                        Yes... it's clear that she was with you for your money. The problem is, you ignored that just to be with her.
                        Thanks yet again for your (quick) post and opinion. I do not disagree.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by broken_hearted View Post

                          Thanks yet again for your (quick) post and opinion. I do not disagree.
                          So, now you just have to forgive yourself for enabling her gold digging and then work on your codependency. That will keep you busy enough that you'll be doing something to keep your mind off of the withdrawl pain of no longer having her in your life. She is your addiction and you're going to have to rehab from her by going zero contact.



                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14

                            No problem, brokenhearted.

                            I don't know your ex. I've only known a few narcissists in my entire life and one of them was so full of himself, extremely selfish and arrogant to the core. Then there was another one who always tried so hard to impress others and it was of tantamount importance to win the world's approval all the time even though their life was embarrassing and shameful upon closer examination. The irony was, it was "look at me, see what I have, etc." despite their miserable and embarrassing personal life. For me, narcissists are easy to avoid.

                            As for the sociopath, sociopaths are constantly plotting and setting people up unbeknownst to them in order to meet their own ends to unsuspecting victims. They are masterminds ar taking advantage of whoever benefits them for the long term. They're very calculating. In my book, sociopaths are the worst because they blend in so well with society. They don't look like freaks. They're normal-looking people who have ulterior motives up their sleeve in order to use you for their benefit. When they have no use for you, they suddenly drop you like a hot potato. The worst fear for a sociopath is discovery and when you're onto their evil games. If you confront them, they threaten, attack and instill fear in you. Why? Because they're sneaky and how dare you discover their MO (method of operation). Their very worst fear is discovery. That is their biggest threat and they will fight you to the core. They're tricky and sneaky. If you're smart, you can detect a sociopath's scheming ways BEFORE they infiltrate your life and harm you or your loved ones. Tell tell signs are the following: Unnatural altruism and interest in you to excess and too much hospitality to the point of what the average person wouldn't do for you. Those are huge red flags. If someone is too good to be true, beware. Another is charm. They turn on the charm, ingratiate and you become hypnotized under their spell. By the time you realize what had happened, sometimes it's too late and you're entrapped in their snare. To a sociopath, they follow this motto: "Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive." Fortunately, a loved one alerted me to a sociopath in my past and I eliminated this individual quickly. It was an ugly verbal and written altercation but at least I felt protected after this person gratefully exited my life!

                            Another type to be on the look out for are gaslighters. They love nothing more than to talk in never ending, stupid circles repeatedly. You're constantly stomping out fires. They'll take you on tangents, argue about topics which have nothing to do with the original subject, turn it around you to make you look like you're a mad idiot and then drop you in conversation. The purpose of a gaslighter is to force you to appear as the crazy one, not the perpetrator. It's a sick mind game and quite the head trip. I run away from those nuts. Nowadays, I can sniff out a gaslighter from a mile away. My radar is always up. I'm not naive anymore.

                            Try not to beat yourself up over this. It will take time but eventually you'll heal your wounds. I was once bitter and resentful for a long time. It took me a while to take painful experiences and tell myself to learn from them, change my ways, beware of people and think carefully. Be prudent. During self-reflection, I worked on my weakness which was naivete and being too impulsive without stopping and thinking things through first before I acted upon it. I've since learned to listen to that little voice inside my brain and my gut instincts because usually they're correct and right on the mark when it comes to people.
                            Last edited by chanelle; February 8th, 2018, 04:14 PM.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                            • #15
                              I think we've established the kind of person she was. It might be useful for you to reflect on your mistakes but clear whatever residual bad energy this experience left behind. You're going to have to move on and you're going to have to do it on your own so you'd best get used to it and not carry this emotional baggage wherever you go and especially into your next relationship. Rebuild your life and look to the future. At some point stop looking back and certainly cease having anything to do with her.

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