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  • Moving on

    I am hoping someone can help me.
    i was widowed 4 years ago. My husband was amazing and kind and my best friend whom I miss every day.
    Two years ago I met someone who was so lovely to me and used to travel from Edinburgh to Dundee regularly to see me. Said all the right things and after 5 months, asked me to marry him. We decided to move in together and so I moved with my two kids to be with him near Edinburgh, leaving my support network, job, friends and family. He used to send me songs, lovely messages etc and be so complimentary. He was never affectionate or tactile in that he wouldn’t be comfortable holding my hand or kissing me and sexually was always very crude and rough. It wasn’t intimate or sensual. Always about him....
    However when we moved, cracks soon began to show and he was very critical of me. He made fun of my housework, my cooking and my appearance. He said “I’m more likely to jump your bones when you’re all done up!”... whenever he said stuff like that, he just said he was being honest. My daughter is a typical teenager and is lazy and huffy at times. He felt I couldn’t parent her and told her she “needed to be a better person”. I was slightly scared to be hard on her as she has a history of self harm as a response to her dads death and so maybe I was too lenient. My son caused some issues too and he ended up kicking him and putting him on the floor with his hands round his neck. He was 14 at the time. This chap also had a very close relationship with his ex wife and he said that I was irrationally paranoid about this and that I belonged in a hospital as I was a ‘nutjob’.
    I chose to leave him five months ago and moved out. Although, it was a mutual agreement that things just didn’t work. There has been NO contact at all until last week, as he owes me a significant amount of money and so I have had to take him to court. He is very angry about this. It’s all getting too much for me and so I decided to call him and try to reason with him. He was so cold and ‘business like’ I was actually shocked at how emotionless he was.
    My concerns are this....
    i do not want to be with him. I actually dislike him yet the idea that he has moved on with someone better is killing me. I was miserable with him and was in tears most weeks! My friend suggestedbthatbwebgivebit another try and the idea horrified me... I would never go back to him. So, why does this all upset me so much? He used to say he felt sick at the thought of not being with me yet has managed to discard me like an old rag without so much as a thought. When I spoke to him he spoke to me like I was a business transaction and nothing at all.
    Why does this matter? Why am I allowing this to affect me so much?
    I actually met a lovely guy a couple of months ago who is lovely and we have so much in common... he is kind and funny and we have such a great time together. So, why has this happened in my brain?
    No counsellors can answer me, none of my friends can either. i don’t want to ruin anymore of my life....
    im not a control freak, I’m not power crazy and I’m not narcissistic or self absorbed. So what is wrong with me? Can anyone please help me???

  • #2
    Why do you think he spoke to you like it was a business transaction ?
    Because HE is narcissistic, a control freak and self absorbed.


    YOU chose to leave HIM, which took all the power he had over you away. Good for you, girl !!!!!

    Every time you start to wonder how it is that he could 'just move on without you", remind yourself of how emotionally and verbally abusive he was to you (MOST IMPORTANTLY, HOW PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE HE WAS TO YOUR SON) and put a big smile on your face knowing that he is someone elses' problem now.

    Picture in your head, the day he kicked your son and put him on the floor with his hands around his neck. If that's not enough to convince you that you did the right thing by leaving him, then there is seriously something wrong with you.

    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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    • #3
      You're insecure that's why. You need to have high self-esteem, higher self-worth and self-confidence. In your brain, stop putting him on a pedestal because he doesn't deserve your brain space. You wounds are still fresh and raw right now. Give yourself time to heal your heart. Concentrate on yourself, get busy, focus on good physical health and eventually you'll have the sound body, sound mind connection. Healthy distractions help, too.

      I went through a period of wanting a person back in my life and mourned the loss of the relationship for what felt like months, years. I finally snapped out of it after I told myself, "This person didn't love me and simply discarded me just like crumpled paper in a trash bin." Once I gave myself a visual, it dawned on me that I needed to focus on my own personal happiness. One consolation that helped me was telling myself that the perpetrator deserved their rotten, miserable daily life because this individual doesn't get away with murder. (Not murder but that's an expression.) Also, that person didn't love me by the way they acted so why should I revere them? They're not better than me. They're worse than the dirt under my feet. Scum of the Earth. After what this person did to me, I felt that instead of feeling retaliation in my heart, true retaliation is this person's current, entrapped, miserable, depressing life and that made me feel good because that person doesn't like their life while I get to enjoy a "happily ever after." That made me feel vindicated. Those visuals and changed thinking process helped me. Hope you can do something similar. Often times we stress importance on others while losing and neglecting self kindness and self respect for ourselves. We think the other person will validate our own self-worth and self-importance which is so wrong on all counts. Once you slap yourself on the face in your mind, you'll realize your wake up call. You need to think rationally and realistically. Once you smarten up and change the way you think, your neediness factor in a wretched person starts to vanish. Also, you become a better read and judge of who you will allow to enter your life from now on. You become pickier and choosier and prefer normal people vs. the weird ones. Once you crave stable, solid people in your life, you become absolute and will no longer waffle in your mind anymore. You become steadfast and unwavering about knowing how to navigate your life in the future for the best outcome. You think ahead. That's how you cope and overcome insecurity. At least that method helped me and hope it does for you, too.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        I think you're just feeling duped. Don't over -analyze it because it's none of your business what he does now. He's being professional about any transactions after the fact regarding your money as you should too. Get your money back and stop wasting your time on this lousy person.

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        • #5
          What's wrong with you is your profound lack of self-esteem. No woman who valued herself would quit her job and leave family and friends and then transport two teenage children to live with a man you just marginally knew.

          You have behaved foolishly and you are now paying the price. Write off the money as a life lesson and block him from your life.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Thank you for your advice. I will try everything that has been suggested. However, I feel I must try and weakly defend myself. Yes I may have acted foolishly but I think profound grief does make you do foolish things from time to time. I was desperate for some stability and dare I say, normality for my kids and really did believe I was doing the right thing. I know now that it was insane and I have to live with that but all I can do is try and make it right. I think I have ‘paid the price’ many times over and deserve a bit of a payment holiday!
            I will try the visualisation techniques suggested, I think they’ll work well for me. I guess I also need to put some work in to address my self esteem issues. I think the reason we have both responded differently to this break up is that we are very different people and I certainly would not or could not be so cold.
            I hope I can move on better and I thank you for taking the time to respond to me and for your help.

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