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My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me for Devastating Reason(s)/ I Have to See Her Every Day

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  • My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me for Devastating Reason(s)/ I Have to See Her Every Day

    Hello all! I would really like some guidance. Last week my girlfriend of six months broke up with me and it is unlike any dating situation I have ever encountered. I met her through graduate school (we are both STEM MA students) in summer of 2017. We were friends for a few months before I asked her out. She told me that she was very into me and wanted to go on a date, but that she wasn't sure she was able to be in a relationship because she did not believe she was worthy of being in one. She said from the very start that she knew it would inevitably fail and that she would be heartbroken because I would lose interest and leave her. This was shocking coming from a girl who was incredibly smart, very attractive, and who had ingratiated herself to our entire department with her infectious personality. These comments that betrayed very low self esteem were obviously a red flag for me, but I figured she must have had a very bad breakup and that I would still give it a chance. Fast forward nearly six months, and those concerns were a distant memory. She had absolutely flourished as a student, and as a relationship partner. I am 27 and have been in multiple long term relationships and I can honestly say that these first six months were the happiest time with a significant other I have ever had. I was in love and we had both expressed as much. We were both incredibly caring, loyal, and affectionate. She went above and beyond to help me in my most trying times. She made me feel love and loyalty like I had never felt; honeymoon phase or not, I knew that this was special.

    Last week, I was at a party with friends. I like to drink 1-2 times a month and (almost) always avoid getting sloppy drunk. This night was one of the rare occasions. Suddenly aware of how drunk I was, I declined a drink from one of my friends. Hearing this, one of my other friends loudly chimed in, "Yeah, he can't drink anymore, he has to be able to f**k his girlfriend tonight!" Instead of rebuking such a crude comment about my girlfriend (especially since it was a party full of our colleagues and classmates!) I went along with it. My memory of the night is hazy, but I was told that I was talking about not wanting to just fall asleep in my bed, but that I wanted to uber to my place and f**k her. Sadly, she was within earshot. Obviously she was incredibly mad and hurt. I chased her outside and apologized profusely. She immediately took an uber home. She was understandably full radio silence that night. I met up with her and a few friends to go to a basketball game the next day and finally got a chance to talk to her afterward. She told me that she was incredibly hurt and angry about what I had said, and I made no excuses for it. She said she just needed a break to figure things out. Two days later, I met up with her again, and she changed her tune to a full on break up. She started saying that she actually was not totally happy in our relationship. That she was pretty sure that she did not care for me like I did for her. That she had always known that we were incompatible. She put on a tough front and acted as though she was not very affected by any of it. All of this despite the fact that the same day I had my drunken tirade, she had told me (completely unprompted) how incredibly happy she was with me and that she had never been so happy in a relationship in her life. She told me how lucky she was to be with me. She had just been asking about how far some of the jobs I had been applying to were from our current school, as well as telling me how incredibly happy she would be if I got a job that I applied to near our university/that she would really consider long distance with me if not.

    After a few days of acting like she did not care post-breakup, she finally broke down and told me that breaking up with me had devastated her. She had been crying all weekend. She then told me that she had to break up with me because she knew that she and I could never work out, that I had confirmed all of her fears of simply being used and dumped along the way. The fact that I may possibly be leaving (increasingly looking like going from the East Coast to the Midwest) made her sure that I would leave her soon anyway and the we should just pull the plug now before it becomes more difficult later down the road. She made it clear that she would rather make both of us miserable now than take a chance of fully opening up and giving us another chance. I now understand that the explanations of her not being happy enough were 100% false and defense mechanisms, but these comments still really hurt. Either way, what's more problematic is the fact that we both are research assistants within the same department and we have to work right by each other every day. Additionally, we have the same social circle so we often see each other outside of university as well. I am having a very difficult time with this. I still have very strong feelings for her and I already am having the "I'll never find anybody like her" thoughts. She is such an incredible person and it is so painful to lose her like this.She is clearly still quite hurt by all of this, but after several days of my imploring (begging) her to give us another chance, we have both simply accepted this breakup. I know that what I said was inappropriate and inexcusable. I humiliated and hurt her. I confirmed all of her worst fears and I feel terrible about it. I am just still so stunned that we went from objectively being so happy together to broken up in the span of less than 48 hours. I know that she cannot and should not be "won back" and that she told me the truth in the beginning that she simply was not ready for a relationship. This all makes sense now, but it does not make me feel any better at all (this is not meant to completely absolve myself of all guilt in any way). How do I get used to her only being my friend? How do I exchange pleasantries and small talk with her knowing that we just had/I so desperately want more? The fact that we cannot leave the office together and walk to my house like we used to hurts a lot. My roommates have already told me that they miss having her around. I feel like I just cannot ever get away from it. I really am having doubts I will be able to find anybody like her, and she simply refuses to talk about it in any capacity whatsoever. What do I do?



    Thank you for any insight!!


  • #2
    How long have you left to be in the circle with her? (school, socially etc?)
    Because if it isn't long I would take that gig in the midwest and disappear and never contact her again.
    Sounds to me like she just mirrored you and your interests and that's why you say you will never find another like her.
    And now after being with you for this long perhaps she realizes she cannot hold up the mirror any longer.
    You on the other hand are a little codependent on her. Reality is you're 27 and will find another better relationship.

    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by foh4k View Post
      How long have you left to be in the circle with her? (school, socially etc?)
      Because if it isn't long I would take that gig in the midwest and disappear and never contact her again.
      Sounds to me like she just mirrored you and your interests and that's why you say you will never find another like her.
      And now after being with you for this long perhaps she realizes she cannot hold up the mirror any longer.
      You on the other hand are a little codependent on her. Reality is you're 27 and will find another better relationship.
      Thank you for your response. I may only be here until June when I graduate, but if I do get the local job I had mentioned in my initial post, it would be a terrific opportunity that would be foolish to turn down (unless a few longshot applications actually come through). I would still very likely run into her and the same group of friends if I took that job, which while it may be awkward, would still not be enough to make me pick another job. I do honestly want to have a clean start elsewhere though.

      I can honestly say that she was not just mirroring me 100%, but it is a valid point that I had not thought about. She really did keep a lot of her own interests that I do not share, and never simply picked up my hobbies. But I think she tried to be the person that I wanted her to be. I think she really wanted to be "normal" and part of a "normal" relationship.

      In terms of the codependent part, you are absolutely correct. I think the stress and insecurities of applying to jobs and taking a major life step in the near future made me more dependent on her than I normally would have been. I am not generally all that codependent in my relationships. I guess I am struggling to distinguish how much of this feeling of heartbreak is being magnified by general stress or really because I am losing her. Regardless, I really do believe that she is an amazing person with so many great qualities. It just still feels surreal. I really appreciate your input.

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      • #4
        The reason why your girlfriend broke up with you was because she discovered a chink in your armor. She doesn't want to take a chance at a next time should you blurt something from your subconscious and / or influences from the type of friends you have who would disrespect women with their crude way of speaking and thinking. Also, drinking too much even if it's rare. She doesn't want to hang out with men like that. Most women do not. You've apologized which was good of you but once women lose trust in a man it's over. Betrayal of trust is impossible to recover from. The problem with broken trust is that there will always be that seed of distrust implanted within the deep recesses of her brain. And, whenever you two cross paths within the same social circles and college campus, she can't look at you the same way anymore. Why? No trust no matter how many times you've told her you were sorry. Don't beat yourself up. It's human nature whether male or female to lose trust permanently after being burned. It's the way it is universally. Even though you were drunk, she didn't like to hear what came out of your mouth. It was painful for her to overhear and whenever she looks at you, she'll remember your searing words which were awful. Women don't like it when they discover how some guys talk crudely towards women. Those types of crude words sound as if women are their property; to be used. It makes women feel cheap. It's an instant turn OFF. I know you were drunk and you apologized to her profusely which was commendable. Unfortunately, once you blurted out words you'll regret later, (or if any guy blurts it out), you can't take it back. That's the harsh consequence.

        As for how you should act whenever you see her, follow her cue. If she prefers to be aloof and ignore you, then do the same. If she's not willing to be cordial and acknowledge your presence with a "hello" or treat you as if you're an acquaintance, then do the same as the way she treats you. If she's polite, you be polite. If she snubs you, then you should get the message and treat her like a stranger no matter how awkward it will be. Can't force it. Either both of you can be cordial or not. It's up to both of you whenever you're at the same place at the same time. There's nothing you can do except respect her wishes. Chalk it up to hard lessons learned for your future relationships. You're only human. We all make mistakes. You've owned up to it which was good. The good part is some people forgive and move on. The bad part is all people never forget.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          Chanelle, thank you for your response. I think you are spot on, and it's a shame because I built so much trust over the last six months. I was always there for her and incredibly supportive and loyal. She told me all the time how grateful she was for all of this. I lost all of that in less than a minute. What's worse, I have never talked about a woman I'm dating in those terms in my life. Never. It was also the first time I was that drunk since we had met. I understand why her trust was broken, and why it just isn't the same anymore, but it's hard to accept that one incident could undo the last six months of happiness.

          In terms of how we get along now, she still wants to talk to me at work quite often. She and I still text consistently, and she has even suggested we hangout in the near future. She tells me that she still wants me to be a significant part of her life. I know that breaking up was hard to do for her, and she has told me that she still deeply cares for me, she's just can't date me anymore. I feel like it is an overreaction and she's told me that she knows most girls would get over it but she just couldn't. Being friends with her has been/will be tricky, but it's better than losing her altogether.

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          • #6
            Yes, it's a shame about building trust for 6 months and then all that trust was obliterated in a minute. It happens everywhere. The only good that came out of it was wisdom gained about how you'll behave in the future. You can't undo the past. All you can do is change and improve your behavior in the future.

            Unfortunately, for me, I've only learned lessons the hard way for myself; not from what anyone had ever taught me. I know it's hard for you to accept it and over time you will even though you won't like it. None of us enjoy accepting what we prefer not to accept. Believe me, I've verbally said and written a lot of regrettable and remorseful words which instantly unraveled years of nurtured, loving relationships; not necessarily with men but others in my extended family tree. I regret not handling things better. I could've worded it right or kept my big mouth shut in the first place. Live and learn for everybody on this planet. Hindsight is always 20/20.

            It's good that both of you are cordial toward one another in public. Sounds like she wants to be friends and that's fine as long as you remember to behave like a gentleman and never scare her off again. She wants to be your friend and maintain peace with you. Remember to act graciously always with your words and actions and you'll be ok! I think there is such thing as being friends if there's no misunderstanding whatsoever. Those are her enforced healthy boundaries which is smart and protective. Remember that once people discover red flags, they want to play it safe. It's human nature.

            To be clear, I know your drunken words were an isolated incident but for a lot of people, it's one and done. They don't wish to take anymore chances with said person anymore. It's universal whether male or female.

            In some ways, I think you're lucky that she is friendly towards you. A lot of women would just be done with you, ignore you and truly move on after permanently ceasing all contact and communication with you. Some relationships end on a very cold note. At least she's friendly. I would consider that better than nothing IMHO.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              You're not compatible or experienced enough to put this aside and you both have a lot on your plate. Maybe when you both grow up a little and stop hanging around drunk jerks for friends and develop other hobbies you might not put yourself in situations like this. I just see two intelligent people making bad decisions and too inexperienced/incapacitated to bounce back.

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