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He left because of my relationship anxiety, is it all my fault?

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  • He left because of my relationship anxiety, is it all my fault?

    Hi Everyone,



    So I'm struggling with a recent break up (its been nearly 2 weeks) and I need some advice on whether this is all my fault due to having anxiety. I'm really beating myself up, we have a lot of history so I'm going to write it as a timeline as I feel the details of our past are important. Sorry its really long!




    August 2012 - We started our relationship (him 20, me 23). The relationship was wonderful, fell in love very quickly he was an amazing and loving boyfriend.




    May 2013 - He cheated on me drunkenly on a night out (went back to somebody's house and went as far as you can go without having sex). He didn't tell me but I have my suspicions at this point, I ask him the question and he completely denies.




    October 2013 - I find an email on his phone to a girl he has been talking to on a video chat site. I confront him, he apologises, says it was a onetime blip. I forgave.




    June 2014 - Relationship is good (I still don't know about the cheating in May but my anxiety about it has grown consistently, I think about it pretty much every day but tell myself Im being stupid. We've had numerous conversations but he completely denies that anything happened). I take it that there's something wrong with me and we move in together, I feel happy.




    July 2014 - He goes on a boys holiday and whilst hes away I find conversations on his laptop from the early days of our relationship where he has been on Skype webcam chatting to girls inappropriately and sending them inappropriate images. When he gets home I confront him and he says he was stupid, he hasnt done it in ages, it meant nothing and it was a substitute for porn. I forgive.

    My anxiety over the cheating incident in May 2013 then heightens ALOT to the point where I feel I need to go to the doctors, he still denies.




    October 2014 - One day I come in from work and tell him that I know he's cheated, he confesses to the May 2013 cheating and then a few days later also confesses to kissing 2 girls on holiday and attempting to kiss another.




    I'm understandably absolutely devastated, having just moved in together my whole world has come tumbling down. You may think I was silly for moving in with him but at that point I was being told he'd done nothing wrong and believed it was all in my head.




    I speak with my family who know him well, they advise me to stay with him due to the May 2013 being so long ago and to not let the meaningless holiday kisses break us. I don't think they quite understand the extend of the lies he told me about the May 2013 cheating (he told me hundreds of times that he hadn't cheated and watched me get very poorly) but they advised that he obviously didn't want to lose the relationship over a meaningless one night thing.

    I stay with him for the next year, he was unbelievably remorseful and apologetic and went above and beyond to make it up to me and truly believed he loved me very much. But I found it very hard, I became very untrusting, looking in his Facebook, phone, wanting password etc. We had some lovely moments in this year but always tinged with a bit of sadness.




    October 2015 - He left me saying that he couldn't do it anymore. I was devastated. Within a month or so of me pretty much hounding him he deletes me off everything and wants nothing to do with me.




    April 2016 We ended up speaking over text and he mentions that he needs to talk to me. He comes to my house and confesses his love, says he wants me back and he wants our old life back, hes very emotional. He is seeing somebody from work at this point but its early days.




    I say that I'll think about it but that he needs to call it off with the other girl. He doesn't do it straight away and I get quite upset and mad at this which pushes him away again.




    April 2016 to July 2016 In these 4 months he can't decide what he wants (a relationship with me or something new with the girl from work). He goes back and forth between us a few times. Calling it off with her and then coming back to me and so on. This happened 4 times in total.




    August 2016 - He finishes work girl for good and we 'see how it goes' for a month. He's reluctant to say that he definitely wants a relationship with me and just wants to see how he feels. Just writing this makes me realise how ridiculous it was for me to go along with it. I should have told him where to go and come back if he decides for sure. He's off and distant with me at times, I never know what hes thinking and I feel very insecure.




    September 2016 - he ends it saying he's not in a position to put his all into the relationship.




    April 2017 - We see each other in a local pub and he texts me when home. He wants to make it work again. I said I would meet up with him to talk.




    We met up and he was very genuine. Apologised whole heartedly for everything that had gone on (bear in mind were a bit older now and more mature) and said he finally knows what he wants and that hes sorry it took him a while to get there. He said he hadnt been in a good place the previous time but was happy now, except there was me missing.




    I agreed to see how I felt.




    Well from then on I was completely wood - I got concert tickets bought for me, flowers on my door step, presents, love letters and lots of other thoughtful lovely things. It was lovely and he did everything that it took to make me see that he was genuine and wanted this.




    We began a relationship and I was happy. He lied to me quite incessantly about a few things I asked him about the time we were apart (I wanted to know when the last time was hed slept with someone before we got back together and if hed slept with a mutual friend of ours that Id had suspicions of, they were the only things I wanted to know). He lied a lot until he eventually confessed, this didnt get us off to a good start. My family advised to ignore these silly lies as theyre about stuff when we were single which we shouldnt have been talking about anyway. He said to me he thought I may not want him if I knew the truth.




    Then a few months after this I started to develop what I can only describe as horrendous anxiety. I somehow convinced myself that since we got back together there was something to hurt me/something I didnt know/something he was lying to me about. I never ever brought up the previous cheating in our first relationship nor did I talk about any of the girls hed slept with in the break up, it was just an over whelming fear that there was something in this relationship that would hurt me.




    I would get so worked up Id feel sick to my stomach but kept telling myself it was my anxiety and I needed some help with it. I went to the doctors and got some tablets and tried some over the phone counselling which was a bit rubbish.




    It got to the point where perhaps 2/3 times a week I was asking him whether there was something to hurt me/something had happened/ had he kisses someone on a night out. I would never be mean/shout or argumentative more very fearful in how I was saying it but I still think it verged on a little abusive the amount of times I was asking. But it was just eating me up inside so I felt I had to speak about it.

    He was extremely reassuring at first and very very patient which I appreciated a lot. He swore down on family members lives he hadnt put a foot out of line, which looking back I firmly believe, but at the time I just could not get it out of my head.




    If I had my rationale head on I knew there was nothing to worry me but if I was in one it was all consuming.




    So much so that he ended it 2 weeks ago (just after Id been to the doctors and been referred for in person councelling so I was genuinely starting to see the light). I told him anxiety was treatable and asked if he could bare with me until after my treatment. He said he knows Ill get better but hes scarred by all the questioning and doesnt want it anymore. To be fair to him he did put up with it for around 5 months and put up with A LOT.




    I now feel awful that I pushed him away like that when we finally had a shot at being happy.




    I guess Im just writing on here to get some outside perspective, I lived through all of the above so its hard for me to see it clearly. I feel like I ruined a chance to be happy with the person I love after wed finally grew up and put all of the rubbish behind us.




    Looking back I dont think hed done anything to hurt me in this relationship nor do I think he would have done anything going forward. But he just doesnt want the relationship no matter how much I tell him that I just needed some outside help with my underlying issues.




    Any opinions welcome and sorry its so long! Has anyone been through anything remotely similar?

  • #2
    Your ex boyfriend is a dishonest unfaithful immature little boy.

    That said, you foolishly put up with it for years. For whatever reason, you didn't have the personal strength and self-respect to leave when he'd demonstrated his deceitfulness.

    I suspect your anxiety (probably coupled with depression), contributes to or is exacerbated by your low self-worth which makes being in a relationship with you very difficult.

    So, is it your fault that your boyfriend left? That's not the right question.

    The right question is, "Am I healthy enough to attract a mature healthy man and maintain a healthy relationship?"

    The answer to that questions is, NO.

    Keep seeing your counselor and get your anxiety (and depression) under control while also working on your self-worth.

    Cut contact with your loser ex-boyfriend.

    Eventually, at least a year from now, you'll be in a healthier place and ready to try dating again.

    Good luck

    Comment


    • #3
      April 2016 to July 2016 In these 4 months he can't decide what he wants (a relationship with me or something new with the girl from work). He goes back and forth between us a few times. Calling it off with her and then coming back to me and so on. This happened 4 times in total.
      You need help with your codependency issues and your lack of self-worth.

      You don't give a festering boil (this douche you couldn't give up) one more chance to heal itself. You get it lanced and the putrid mess drained and flushed from your system.

      Get yourself educated on what is and what isn't a healthy relationship. Read books on codependency and what actually is love instead of the dysfunctional addiction you had to your "boil."

      If you haven't stopped all contact (which includes social media stalking) with Mr. Putrid then do so now and work on being totally free of him while you work on yourself and your self-esteem. Get yourself strong enough to know when you're not being shown value so that you can get out quick. don't date until you're strong enough in personal boundaries to protect your emotional health.

      Google "codependency" and start reading so you can fix what ails you. If you're seeing a therapist, make sure he/she is proficient in codependency issues.

      He left because of my relationship anxiety, is it all my fault?
      Its sad to read that you wonder if his leaving was your fault when you should have been the one to leave him.
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 4th, 2018, 04:14 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        It sounds like your boyfriend is childish and deceitful. keep him as your ex boyfriend and keep working on your self worth. I know things can be hard similar things have happen to me i just needed to pick my self up and see a therapist is you need to it is a great way to let out some emotion and frustration i have been in many relationships some involving physical and mental abuse, and neglect. If you want wait a while before jumping in another relationship. if you still have feeling for him after that just visit https://tinyurl.com/ya9sa4xq this website helped me it gave me hope when i was where you were

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by crystal011 View Post
          It sounds like your boyfriend is childish and deceitful. keep him as your ex boyfriend and keep working on your self worth. I know things can be hard similar things have happen to me i just needed to pick my self up and see a therapist is you need to it is a great way to let out some emotion and frustration i have been in many relationships some involving physical and mental abuse, and neglect. If you want wait a while before jumping in another relationship. if you still have feeling for him after that just visit https://tinyurl.com/ya9sa4xq this website helped me it gave me hope when i was where you were
          Crystal the spammer.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            You stopped me in my tracks at May 2013. That's a real deal breaker. He's a bad apple. One and done. Trust had been irrevocably broken. Get rid of that piece of you know what!
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              Thank you for the advice everyone. Ive been reading a little on co-dependency and it does ring true. Its like I needed his seal of approval to feel good about myself and Im not sure why or where that comes from. What I often struggle with is that he actually is really a nice guy, so I often beat myself up thinking have I lost a good guy that just made a few childish mistakes, I firmly believe he would never have cheated again. This is why I end up beating myself up

              Comment


              • #8
                Work on yourself with your therapist and forget about him. You can do better then someone who cheats on you and then lies about it "going as far as one can go without having sex." Humph! Sure, watevva!
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  I've been in your shoes somewhat. I felt the need to feel needed by someone who betrayed my trust in them and the relationship soured very badly. I felt the need to be helpful and I gave until it hurt. I struggled for a very long time before I eventually got over it. To this day, I'm still bitter and resentful but not as bad as before. I too beat myself up for not so much losing this person in my life but my regrets of not handling communication better. Live and learn. I've since learned to not be "unnaturally" nice to the point of excess. I'm kind in general but I don't over do it with my heart from now on. I've lost faith in the human race sometimes. Unfortunately, I became very wary and jaded. Nothing surprises me anymore.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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