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  • End of my long term relationship..

    Hi.. I'm new here. I'm 24 and yesterday evening my 4 year relationship ended. We were engaged. In the process of saving for a house together. However things have just fizzled and here I am. I found myself no longer "sexually" attracted to him anymore. I can't remember the last time we had sex. He had habits that would drive me crazy and I just didn't look at him romantically anymore. When I told him he asked what I wanted to do and I was unsure.. So he left. Today he collected his things from my house (I live with my parents) and gave me a hug and said bye. Now I can't stop crying and i'm thinking did I make the right decision... we have loads of good memories and now thats it. Theyre just memories. I'm not very social so have no close friends to really talk too and I am trying so hard not to contact him.

    I don't know what to do. Its affecting me a lot more than I thought it would. The break up was so mutual and civilised... no one shouted, there was no huge fight, nothing. It just finished. We sat there in my car, in the dark and talked and then that's it. It was over. I texted him late last night saying I was sorry and that I thought I made a mistake and that he could come over if he wanted too, he didn't. Now today he collected his things.. thats it. It's done. I'm sorry I'm rambling but I just don't know what to do.

  • #2
    Well, clearly the relationship had run its course and it was over it's just that neither of you voiced that it was until you had enough and your were able to speak the truth.

    Right now you're going through a bit of withdrawl from not having him in your life anymore. It's quite normal to cry when someone we have had in our life for any length of time is no longer in it... Your grief will pass though and you'll go onto meet someone that you can maintain sexual attraction with.

    First though, you MUST work on this:
    I'm not very social so have no close friends to really talk to
    Take this time as a single and start joining things that will introduce you to people. Join a co-ed sports team like volleyball or baseball, join a hiking group, when you're feeling less hurt (and fear of being alone) join something like meetmarketadventures.com or meetup.com where you can sign up for activities with other singles of the same and opposite sex.

    We all need more then just a romantic partner in our lives so work on you and your social skills at this time. It will help you to heal and you'll be happier and more fulfilled.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Thank you for the reply. I feel so sad. One minute i'm ok, then the next i'm crying again. Atleast tomorrow morning it'll be monday and I can focus on work for the week.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by PandaBrit View Post
        .... I feel so sad. One minute i'm ok, then the next i'm crying again....
        It's completely normal. You just ended a four year relationship. It will take months to recover and you'll feel some sadness for longer that that. Again, perfectly normal. And don't assume because you are sad that you made the wrong decision. There were good things in the relationship that you will miss but there were too many things that didn't work.

        As Phases said, start working on your social skills. However, do NOT jump into a romantic relationship for at least a few months. You need time to process what happened to this one so you don't find yourself in the same positions four years from now.

        So during this process try to understand how you got here. What attracted you to him, what things did you overlook, how did you fail to make corrections, how was your communications, what were the good, the bad, and the ugly of this relationship that you would want or not want in the next one?

        If you can genuinely figure those kinds of things out, you'll be much better prepared to see the potential or shortfalls of the next guys you'll be dating so you don't waste time or miss a great opportunity.

        Good luck

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        • #5
          You mentioned you were no longer sexually attracted to him and he had bad habits. What were they? When you get sad, remember those.

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          • #6
            The weird thing is, I don't feel like I made the wrong decision. We were both stuck and I don't feel as if we were going anywhere. We could've carried on but then what is the point in drawing it out when the end result is likely to be the same as what it currently is. I want to call him but I'm trying my best to distance myself from him to give myself time to think and breath. I still have my engagement ring. I havn't actually worn it in months because after I got it I lost a bunch of weight and now it's way too big and I never got around to getting it resized. He didn't want it back..

            Again, thanks for the replies.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              You mentioned you were no longer sexually attracted to him and he had bad habits. What were they? When you get sad, remember those.
              The biggest habits for me was his smoking and his awful dental hygiene. Bleh gross.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by PandaBrit View Post

                The biggest habits for me was his smoking and his awful dental hygiene. Bleh gross.
                Lolzzz.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Did he start smoking recently or has he always been a smoker? I ended a fourteen year relationship because of smoking and dental hygiene. Not to mention he was a compulsive liar with a cartilaginous spine. Were you demanding that he quit smoking?

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                  • #10
                    No he was always a smoker. I could live with it but then he kept saying he'd give up and then hide the fact he had started smoking again from me. Even though I could always smell it anyway. I did say him that i'd rather he didn't smoke but that if it made him happy and less snappy then it wasn't the end of the world.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by PandaBrit View Post

                      The biggest habits for me was his smoking and his awful dental hygiene. Bleh gross.
                      OMG. That would be enough for me.
                      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                        Did he start smoking recently or has he always been a smoker? I ended a fourteen year relationship because of smoking and dental hygiene. Not to mention he was a compulsive liar with a cartilaginous spine. Were you demanding that he quit smoking?
                        Addiction of any sort is difficult to overcome and recover from. All of us have reasons to stop using, etc. and it mainly centers around health/relationship issues. With that being said, he has to want to quit smoking and take care of his teeth. I guess the question is could you tolerate that and if not you have some serious thinking to do. I have known several close family/friends that have developed Cancer and one is Stage 4 throat Cancer right now. Sadly, most of them ended in death and perhaps a scare tactic may work. Iím a recovering cocaine addict so I know a few things about addiction and how drugs can affect you. I live one day at a time and am faced with constant battles, but I know the consequences would b much worse if I began using again.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by CD da man View Post

                          Addiction of any sort is difficult to overcome and recover from. All of us have reasons to stop using, etc. and it mainly centers around health/relationship issues. With that being said, he has to want to quit smoking and take care of his teeth. I guess the question is could you tolerate that and if not you have some serious thinking to do. I have known several close family/friends that have developed Cancer and one is Stage 4 throat Cancer right now. Sadly, most of them ended in death and perhaps a scare tactic may work. Iím a recovering cocaine addict so I know a few things about addiction and how drugs can affect you. I live one day at a time and am faced with constant battles, but I know the consequences would b much worse if I began using again.
                          Wow congrats on recovery. Seriously I can only imagine how hard it is.

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                          • #14
                            I'm sorry about the breakup. You need to give yourself time to heal your heart. It's difficult to see this now but many times when a breakup occurs, later you'll tell yourself, "Good riddance" because some people are not good for your well-being. They're toxic and you don't want to have a dysfunctional relationship. It's not normal and you deserve normal type happiness. Keep in mind that sweet memories are poignant to reminisce but realize bad memories overshadow good memories. If the negatives are what you need to live with everyday with a person, that's not overall happiness. It's ok to grieve and mourn after a breakup. Eventually, as days pass by which could take a while, you'll crawl out of your shell and have your time in the sun again. Chin up.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by PandaBrit View Post
                              No he was always a smoker. I could live with it but then he kept saying he'd give up and then hide the fact he had started smoking again from me. Even though I could always smell it anyway. I did say him that i'd rather he didn't smoke but that if it made him happy and less snappy then it wasn't the end of the world.
                              Rude and insensitive. This is not cocaine however. It's nicotine. He still has enough parts of his brain to recognize that he's been a liar and his existence is subpar compared to your idea of what your relationship should be. I lived your hell for many years. Having an addiction is no excuse for behaving badly towards others. If he can't handle a relationship, he shouldn't have one. And if he isn't strong enough to walk away, you should.

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