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  • When is enough, enough?

    Iím currently in a struggling marriage, my job is in the shitter, I donít have any local friends, etc. Itís fair to say Iím depressed and have been diagnosed as major depressive disorder so I at least know the common denominator. Iím not currently in therapy but am actively seeking it. Iíve been on several different antidepressants over the years and minimal success. Iím basically a failure in life. Iím a lousy husband & father, an underperforming employee, etc. I know I sound negative bc that is a common sx of this disease and yes it may sound like a pity party which my wife and others have said to me, but there has to be a silver lining somewhere. My last therapist wasnít very effective, but I have some optimism that a new counselor may be helpful. Iím hoping most of the feedback will be non-judgmental and positive, which is what I need right now. Thanks!

  • #2
    Let's start with your job. What do you do and why do you say it's in the shitter?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      You already know a little bit about my job situation from prior thread. Iím not well liked even though Iím friendly and I recently lost a work friendship although prob wasnít the healthiest of ones. Anyhow, my pay could be much higher and the overall job satisfaction is low. Iíd quit now, but of course I dont have anything definitve to replace it nor does my wife want me to leave. She doesnít know everything thatís going on and just knows itís chaotic and unprofessional. She has a career going for her and works from home so she hasnít worked in an office environ. in over 10 years. Iím a senior provider relations specialist btw. I say itís in the shitter bc itís a dead end job for me w/ little or no chance of advancing. Basically Iím stuck. Oh and of course the gossipers at work had to add on Fri. that they are laying off 100 contractors/temps so that doesnít help my pessimistic thinking.

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      • #4
        I think a reasonable person who is very unhappy with his job would start saving up enough money to last for 3 months so that he could quit his job and look for something else. Your wife is working, so I'm assuming you wouldn't be destitute.

        What kinds of promotions are available for your type of job? What does a senior provider relationships specialist do?
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          And why can't you start a job search now while you're still employed? What skills do you have? I know from experience that it takes a concerted effort to realize what yur skill set is and how it can translate into another career. I have done it. Also I look for a new gig while I am employed many employers prefer passive candidates over active ones. Passive meaning you have a job but are looking t change, active being unemployed. The problem with quitting and having nothing is that it then becomes a race to the finish line and you end up settling for less than what you are capable of or being overqualified.

          Maybe concentrating on getting a better gig and utilizing your strengths could be highly beneficial to you as in it would take your mind off how pathetic your life situation is (in your mind) and bolster up some of your strong suits. Are you on any career sites? LinkedIn?

          Also if you really don't know what your string suits are I highly suggest this site. Yes it costs money for an assesment but it's highly beneficial and eye opening when you want to identify your strengths and weaknesses to forge ahead in your job search.

          https://www.assessment.com/
          There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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          • #6
            Hello, CD:

            If I were to guess - - and I'm WAY out on a limb here - - I'd say that your depression, your isolation and your under-performance are not results of any disorder or fault on your part, but rather by-products of your particular kind of personality. Without getting mired in long explanations, you feel like an INFP to me. An INFP is a rebel without a cause - a noble knight on an impossible quest - a lone visionary who would cure the world if he knew how and if it would listen. Trusty, loyal, fiercely compassionate and deeply loving. The intense power of these qualities makes it impossible to spread them widely, so you tend to have few friends and a narrow range of core beliefs.

            Life for an INFP often feels like banging your head on the same wall over and over. Being an INFP isn't something that you FIX, but something you learn to BE with sincerity and grace.

            INFPs flower later in life. As a young man, no one understands him, and few know how to like him. As an INFP matures, others sense the immense depth of him and are attracted to know him better. Dinner and a bottle of wine with an INFP can feel almost like a sacrament. If this feels close to the mark, Google INFP to look into it further. You can take online tests to see exactly what your Jungian personality test might be.

            Good fortune, friend.

            A Fellow INFP
            Last edited by From Outer Space; February 4th, 2018, 05:21 PM.

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            • #7
              I'm sorry about your depressive state. I agree with what others said about doing a job search. Time for a fresh start which will change your outlook on life.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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              • #8
                Originally posted by From Outer Space View Post
                Hello, CD:

                If I were to guess - - and I'm WAY out on a limb here - - I'd say that your depression, your isolation and your under-performance are not results of any disorder or fault on your part, but rather by-products of your particular kind of personality. Without getting mired in long explanations, you feel like an INFP to me. An INFP is a rebel without a cause - a noble knight on an impossible quest - a lone visionary who would cure the world if he knew how and if it would listen. Trusty, loyal, fiercely compassionate and deeply loving. The intense power of these qualities makes it impossible to spread them widely, so you tend to have few friends and a narrow range of core beliefs.

                Life for an INFP often feels like banging your head on the same wall over and over. Being an INFP isn't something that you FIX, but something you learn to BE with sincerity and grace.

                INFPs flower later in life. As a young man, no one understands him, and few know how to like him. As an INFP matures, others sense the immense depth of him and are attracted to know him better. Dinner and a bottle of wine with an INFP can feel almost like a sacrament. If this feels close to the mark, Google INFP to look into it further. You can take online tests to see exactly what your Jungian personality test might be.

                Good fortune, friend.

                A Fellow INFP
                Whatís very interesting is that my MBTI assessed me as an INFJ, but that was many years ago. Iíll have to retake it and see if it is the same result. Thanks for that info!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                  Iím currently in a struggling marriage, my job is in the shitter, I donít have any local friends, etc. Itís fair to say Iím depressed and have been diagnosed as major depressive disorder so I at least know the common denominator. Iím not currently in therapy but am actively seeking it. Iíve been on several different antidepressants over the years and minimal success. Iím basically a failure in life. Iím a lousy husband & father, an underperforming employee, etc. I know I sound negative bc that is a common sx of this disease and yes it may sound like a pity party which my wife and others have said to me, but there has to be a silver lining somewhere. My last therapist wasnít very effective, but I have some optimism that a new counselor may be helpful. Iím hoping most of the feedback will be non-judgmental and positive, which is what I need right now. Thanks!
                  Hey CD I am the last person to give relationship advice. I have no idea what the heck I am doing but I do know something about how you can make you feel better about yourself.

                  What you need to do is change the way you feel. You can do this by changing your diet and eating a little better and going to the gym at least 4 days a week. You need to change your hairstyle. Anything to make you feel different. This is the most important thing don't give a fuck what people think about you. You do what makes you happy and other people will take notice. You get happy with yourself when you look in the mirror and you will breakout of this funk. Your job will get better your relationships will get better and you know what when you feel good about yourself it doesn't matter. Take care good luck stay safe

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Find your quiet place. Get away from your situation for a few days, write down what you want from life, who *you want to be* rather than the person you think you should be, and start thinking about what steps to take to get to where you want to be as a person. The rest will fall into place.
                    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                    • #11
                      Thanks all. Itís very true. I have to work on me and not care about what others think.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                        Thanks all. Itís very true. I have to work on me and not care about what others think.
                        Srsly. You can heal yourself. It's a lot of work, but it's one hell of a feeling to let go of the hurt and let the light in.
                        "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                        • #13
                          Why do you think you're a lousy husband and father?
                          "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Panda View Post
                            Why do you think you're a lousy husband and father?
                            Iím not a good provider for them and believe that Iím depriving them of their needs. Iím a broken man thatís trying to be better, but I guess Iím a work in progress. Iím trying but need to try harder. Thanks!

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by CD da man View Post

                              Iím not a good provider for them and believe that Iím depriving them of their needs. Iím a broken man thatís trying to be better, but I guess Iím a work in progress. Iím trying but need to try harder. Thanks!
                              That was vague as all get-out. But the more vulnerable and honest you are with yourself (I'm assuming you'd be more honest in therapy) hopefully you'll be able to really accept some change in your life. Honestly, you take care of you, and invariably, you'll find that you're taking care of the ones you care about as a natural consequence. Good luck!

                              Work smarter, not harder.
                              Last edited by Panda; February 7th, 2018, 08:30 PM.
                              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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