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Acted needy when my ex was having doubts and I pushed her away

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  • Acted needy when my ex was having doubts and I pushed her away

    I'm 21, my ex is 20.
    My Ex and I dated for 2 years, and broke up 3 months ago.

    I agreed to being friends with her but she kept acting really weird (acting hot & cold - super into conversations one day and acting really cold the next) I decided to give her a little space for a few weeks.
    During those weeks I did a lot of thinking about how I could improve, and what went wrong with our relationship (so I could learn from all this). She didn't message me at all during this time so I felt like it was time to move on from her, but first I'd do one last hail mary.
    I message her, telling her that I still love her and that I want us to work things out. To my absolute shock she said that she wanted that too but worries we'll end up breaking up for the same reasons.
    This is where I get a little too big for my loafers and list out ALL my newfound information about the things that went wrong in our relationship and all the possible solutions.
    Needless to say I came off really strong.
    I could literally feel her attraction fade away, and the conversation ended with her saying that she was unhappy in our relationship and that she doesn't think getting back together would be a good idea.
    Since I went into this expecting denial anyway I just said what I was going to say anyway:
    "I'm sorry to hear that, if you change your mind feel free to get in touch but I don't want anything platonic."
    Then I told her I was going to delete her off Facebook but not to take it personally - it was just something I had to do to move on. I wished her the best, apologized for some of the shitty things I did in the past, and said goodbye.
    Her response? "That's dramatic but okay."

    Ouch. Guess I'll be moving on now.

  • #2
    She was hot and cold with you. What did she expect? A pop up Mother Theresa head cut out with you on your knees begging for clemency? You seemed to have a lot of words but that was your way of coping and you attempted to bridge the gap with honest communication. If someone doesn't pick up where you left off or meet in the middle, they aren't worth your time. That's the hard truth.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
      She was hot and cold with you. What did she expect? A pop up Mother Theresa head cut out with you on your knees begging for clemency? You seemed to have a lot of words but that was your way of coping and you attempted to bridge the gap with honest communication. If someone doesn't pick up where you left off or meet in the middle, they aren't worth your time. That's the hard truth.
      Well damn, thank you for that. I needed to hear that today.

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      • #4
        Yes moving on.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          You did the right thing by expressing your feelings and ending the communication. She obviously wasn't fully committed to you. You don't need that crap. Find someone who can commit to a relationship.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            I agree that you did the right thing in cutting her off totally but I have to ask you why you did it over text? That was something that you should have been doing face to face. (if I read that wrong and you did do it face to face then please let me know).

            You would have had a better chance at not coming off as "too big for your loafers" by seeing her facial expression, by her hearing your voice inflection and therefore cluing you in to knowing when to keep going or knowing when to clam up and let her do some talking.

            Learn from this and quit texting important conversations that NEED to be done face to face if in fact you did text that shit out. Keep your "I still love you's" off the screen and have them come out of your mouth while you're in the same room. It's called 'communication' and learning to feel close through verbal bonding. You can't read facial cues or voice inflection from a conversation taking place electronically. It also leave a whole lot of room for misunderstanding and what your actual intent is.
            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 4th, 2018, 12:44 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
              I agree that you did the right thing in cutting her off totally but I have to ask you why you did it over text? That was something that you should have been doing face to face. (if I read that wrong and you did do it face to face then please let me know).

              You would have had a better chance at not coming off as "too big for your loafers" by seeing her facial expression, by her hearing your voice inflection and therefore cluing you in to knowing when to keep going or knowing when to clam up and let her do some talking.

              Learn from this and quit texting important conversations that NEED to be done face to face if in fact you did text that shit out. Keep your "I still love you's" off the screen and have them come out of your mouth while you're in the same room. It's called 'communication' and learning to feel close through verbal bonding. You can't read facial cues or voice inflection from a conversation taking place electronically. It also leave a whole lot of room for misunderstanding and what your actual intent is.
              Yeah I thought about that after the fact. I really regret not talking to her about it in person because honestly I feel like we might have got back together if I did.
              I mean there is always the chance that she messages me but I really doubt that will happen.
              Guess this is just a harsh lesson learned.

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              • #8
                Harsh lessons are better than no lessons. She didn't treat you well and you reacted to her nonsense. Hoping that that kind of living hell is prolonged is your emotions talking right now and loneliness (loss of her presence which is normal). When the dust settles you'll be so relieved and good riddance.

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                • #9
                  Whatever...

                  I don't think she treated him any different then what any person would do when there has been a break up when one or the other hasn't been happy.

                  Anyway, Op, You are doing the right thing now by going no contact which will help you to heal. You'll go forth all that much more dating savvy having learned from this past one.





                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment

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