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  • She said she needs space to figure herself out

    My girlfriend and I dated for 6 months. In that time we both agreed this is the happiest we've ever been. The first two weeks we spent almost everyday together and we both fell in love in that amount of time. She went away to school at the end of those two weeks. Her school is only about an hour away so we would spend at least a couple days a week together and everything was great. We want the same things out of life (kids, marriage, want to live in the same place, similar occupations) which is great. I've never had someone who understands me like her and she can say the same about me. We never had a fight, despite going through times when most couples would've fought. Instead, we tell each other about how we feel and are completely honest and open with each other and talk through hard times without raising our voices. I've never had that before in past relationships and neither has she. We were both madly in love. However, this past weekend when I was visiting her at school she began crying out of no where and told me she doesn't know if she can be with me right now. Our only difference is that she is a very sensitive person and I'm tough skinned, so from time to time I'll make a joke or tease her and she takes it seriously and is bothered by it. She didn't know if she wanted to deal with that forever, which just sounded like an excuse to me since the rest of our relationship is great. She also told me that since the honeymoon phase is over the thought of the future is very scary to her. She's 20 and a junior in college, and I'm 22 and just graduated from college. She told me she needed some time to herself to think and I respected that. The following night she called me and told me she had spoken with her counselor and she found the underlying reasons why she is feeling the way she is and we came up with a way to handle situations in which she might be offended by my teasing. For the next two days things were great and felt back to normal. We were going to hangout the following weekend at her apartment (this weekend). However, Wednesday night we were talking on the phone like we do every night and the conversation was normal and lighthearted. Out of nowhere, she told me she was having anxiety about hanging out this weekend and that she was afraid that she would feel the same way the last time she saw me and hurt me. I told her that it's okay to have anxiety but to give this weekend a chance and I'll show her she has nothing to be anxious about. She said no and said she needs time to figure herself out and get herself straight before she can give her all to me. We ended on a good note, reassuring each other that we love each other and she told me she doesn't want to see anyone else in the meantime. However, she said that this is a breakup and we need months. I'm doing my best to respect her wishes and give her space, but she has left me confused and in the dark and wondering if what she said was true or if she is really just letting me down easy and there is another reason why she broke up with me. This was completely out of no where. It may also help to note that she speaks with a counselor weekly who helped her realize that her last relationship was emotionally abusive and that is why she has trouble fully commiting herself now. She is also stressed with school and other things going on in her life. Any help or advice from people with experience is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    EDIT:
    I want to also note that we have things planned together, such as a formal date party later in the spring that she already invited me to, and a concert that we already paid $200 for the tickets. She said she still wants to do these things with me, but that only added to my confusion as to why she would break it off then.
    Last edited by James819; February 3rd, 2018, 04:26 PM.

  • #2
    She's a drama queen and too high maintenance. Yes, give her time and space but lower your expectations because she could flake out on you again and call it quits as usual. She's young, needs to grow up, sort things out, get her head together and mature. She's also at a different stage in her life with college while you've already graduated from college. You have more time and brain space for this relationship while she does not. A lot of students cannot handle the stress of maintaining a relationship, study, some work through school, make the grade and stay up all night studying. Pressures are intense with having to juggle a relationship on top of that which tests the relationship sorely. If it doesn't work out by giving her time and space and giving it another go, it's time to be realistic about it not working out between you two and move on.

    Btw, some people are witty but can take it too far by sounding cynical and not so nice. Some people are not amused and if your girlfriend isn't into being with a jokey person, then back off, be respectful and considerate of that. I've done the same and the other person respected my wishes. There needs to be a respectful compromise in relationships in order for them to endure. Also, when one is under stress, every little thing can set them off. You girlfriend is still in the thick of college with its frenetic pace. Don't irritate her or she'll leave you.
    Last edited by chanelle; February 3rd, 2018, 04:10 PM.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      What's your teasing like? Is it sarcastic humour? Dry wit? Do you pepper it with scorn that you'd rather not say seriously(aka passive aggressive)? If she's continuously irritated by what you're saying, yes, she's probably worn out.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
        What's your teasing like? Is it sarcastic humour? Dry wit? Do you pepper it with scorn that you'd rather not say seriously(aka passive aggressive)? If she's continuously irritated by what you're saying, yes, she's probably worn out.
        It's flirtatious. She is extremely emotional and hypersensitive and often takes things I say the wrong way.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by chanelle View Post
          She's a drama queen and too high maintenance. Yes, give her time and space but lower your expectations because she could flake out on you again and call it quits as usual. She's young, needs to grow up, sort things out, get her head together and mature. She's also at a different stage in her life with college while you've already graduated from college. You have more time and brain space for this relationship while she does not. A lot of students cannot handle the stress of maintaining a relationship, study, some work through school, make the grade and stay up all night studying. Pressures are intense with having to juggle a relationship on top of that which tests the relationship sorely. If it doesn't work out by giving her time and space and giving it another go, it's time to be realistic about it not working out between you two and move on.

          Btw, some people are witty but can take it too far by sounding cynical and not so nice. Some people are not amused and if your girlfriend isn't into being with a jokey person, then back off, be respectful and considerate of that. I've done the same and the other person respected my wishes. There needs to be a respectful compromise in relationships in order for them to endure. Also, when one is under stress, every little thing can set them off. You girlfriend is still in the thick of college with its frenetic pace. Don't irritate her or she'll leave you.
          Right. I realize that she's trying to juggle a lot at once. She's involved in multiple clubs and organizations that also take up her time and brain space. I feel like she's just overwhelmed and needs time to work out some things in her life and what's going on in her head. As far as being too witty, her counselor came up with the idea that we could use a code word or phrase if one of us says something that bothers the other, such as going too far with a joke. But I am also aware now of how that bothers her and know that I need to lay off the humor and respect her. I plan on having no contact and letting her come around.

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          • #6
            Well, don't develop a complex about it or let her hypersensitive nature change you if your humour is in good taste. Let her do her thing with school and her extracurricular. What you should try to do is engage in activities that make you feel like you again (replenish yourself - mentally/psychologically). You'll be better able to see through the cloud/s as they come by in the world of relationships and avoid losing yourself. In a very short time however you're going to have to decide whether you can be with someone who drops you like a hot potato or whether you can afford that rollercoaster occurring. When people are young they're able to sustain these several times (to the detriment of themselves). When you get older, your tolerance wanes considerably. Part of being in a healthy relationship is learning to ask for space considerately and knowing that you need space without dropping everything high and dry and hurting others.
            Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 3rd, 2018, 04:29 PM.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by James819 View Post

              Right. I realize that she's trying to juggle a lot at once. She's involved in multiple clubs and organizations that also take up her time and brain space. I feel like she's just overwhelmed and needs time to work out some things in her life and what's going on in her head. As far as being too witty, her counselor came up with the idea that we could use a code word or phrase if one of us says something that bothers the other, such as going too far with a joke. But I am also aware now of how that bothers her and know that I need to lay off the humor and respect her. I plan on having no contact and letting her come around.
              I married a humorous husband but there's a time and place for it and it's intelligent, clean humor. My sons have deadpan humor, too. I love it. They make me smile and chuckle everyday. Based on my own experience, everyone I know loves a funny guy - - IF it's appropriate and not obnoxious, of course. I love dry wit. People never forget the way you made them feel and if you possess an intelligent sense of humor, you're well-liked and popular.

              As for your girlfriend, she has a lot on her plate right now so I'm not telling you to change who you are because making people laugh is truly a gift. You'll need to switch gears whenever you're around your girlfriend since she obviously becomes annoyed or irritated by your wit. Perhaps it's her personality and due to stresses of college life. You do what you've got to do to make the relationship work within reason.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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              • #8
                Originally posted by chanelle View Post

                I married a humorous husband but there's a time and place for it and it's intelligent, clean humor. My sons have deadpan humor, too. I love it. They make me smile and chuckle everyday. Based on my own experience, everyone I know loves a funny guy - - IF it's appropriate and not obnoxious, of course. I love dry wit. People never forget the way you made them feel and if you possess an intelligent sense of humor, you're well-liked and popular.

                As for your girlfriend, she has a lot on her plate right now so I'm not telling you to change who you are because making people laugh is truly a gift. You'll need to switch gears whenever you're around your girlfriend since she obviously becomes annoyed or irritated by your wit. Perhaps it's her personality and due to stresses of college life. You do what you've got to do to make the relationship work within reason.
                You're right. I do make her smile and laugh majority of the time. We both tease each other. It's mainly when it's in front of other people, mainly her friends, that she gets offended. I think she wants them to see us as this perfect couple, and we are a great couple, we both know it and our families and everyone around us sees it as well and tells us that. I just think she cares too much about what other people think, and making jokes and teasing each other in good taste doesn't make us a bad couple. She does have a lot going on and I think she is overwhelmed and over analyzing things and just needs time to get her head on straight. She loves me and knows what we have us special and I hope she won't throw it away over slight differences and a bump in the road. Thank you for your response.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by James819 View Post

                  You're right. I do make her smile and laugh majority of the time. We both tease each other. It's mainly when it's in front of other people, mainly her friends, that she gets offended. I think she wants them to see us as this perfect couple, and we are a great couple, we both know it and our families and everyone around us sees it as well and tells us that. I just think she cares too much about what other people think, and making jokes and teasing each other in good taste doesn't make us a bad couple. She does have a lot going on and I think she is overwhelmed and over analyzing things and just needs time to get her head on straight. She loves me and knows what we have us special and I hope she won't throw it away over slight differences and a bump in the road. Thank you for your response.
                  Well, I'll tell you from a woman's point of view. Whenever my husband and I are out socially with other couples or friends, sure, he has some dry wit which is humorous but he doesn't over do it. It just comes natural at random but not too frequent. The rest of the time he just talks normally (which is clean, btw - no foul language in my sphere - - not judging -- just our comfort zone). I think where your girlfriend is coming from is, she wants poise from you, aplomb, calmness. I can't speak for all women, but I don't like a man who is hyper and goofy. It gets old really fast. She most likely wants you to dial it down.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by chanelle View Post

                    Well, I'll tell you from a woman's point of view. Whenever my husband and I are out socially with other couples or friends, sure, he has some dry wit which is humorous but he doesn't over do it. It just comes natural at random but not too frequent. The rest of the time he just talks normally (which is clean, btw - no foul language in my sphere - - not judging -- just our comfort zone). I think where your girlfriend is coming from is, she wants poise from you, aplomb, calmness. I can't speak for all women, but I don't like a man who is hyper and goofy. It gets old really fast. She most likely wants you to dial it down.
                    Thank you. Seriously that made me realize some things. She has been stressed out lately just from school and work related issues, so I have been a little over the top on the goofiness trying to cheer her up. Up until now I didn't realize what was wrong but I can see the issue now. Given the chance to speak with her, which I'm sure will happen again, I know what I need to change now and what I can work on. Thanks once again.

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                    • #11
                      James, it's very unselfish of you to change for your girlfriend. That is called love, when you put the other person first in your life. That right there is called empathy. You're smart and you get it. I'm glad the light turned on and you comprehend.
                      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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