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7.5 year relationship hanging on the ropes - PLEASE HELP

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  • 7.5 year relationship hanging on the ropes - PLEASE HELP

    A warm hello to everyone!

    7.5 years is a looong time but i'll try to keep it short. I need advice on how to act..

    We got together when I was 24, she was 17... she was no typical teenager. Waaay smarter and down to earth, ambitious and always a serious and realistic person, and very beautiful. We first connected on an intellectual level and I didnt know whether it was a good idea to get involved due to her age. She convinced me otherwise. And boy was it ever a good decision. We had (and hopefully still have) a wonderful relationship. True love without question. We had one major bump as she was studying 3 Months abroad, when I made the worst mistake of my life. I got super super drunk and somehow got lured in clinch with a colleague (we were half naked but other than that nothing more happened). I was devastated and immediately came clean and told her I have absolutely no feelings towards this person, and I was telling the truth. I was determined to do anything to make it work. And i turned out good, she believed me and we had a good time after we got over it.. this was 2 years ago. We moved in together in my apartment, and we were extremely happy about that. Long story short, our families love us, hers love me and want me to be her husband, mine love her and want her to be my wife. I was always insecure to propose, not because I didnt want it but because she was finishing her degree as a teacher, and was working on starting a career. Now, we are both very educated people (i have an MBA in Finance) , and both have great jobs. Basically everything came to place for us to be happy for the rest of our lives together. Ok, perhaps, the last 4 Months were a bit the same routine - work - home - watching movies... not too much going out and stuff.. but I guess this happens to all of us...

    And this is when the plot twists.... I started noticing she likes to hang out with colleagues and we both agreed that its perfectly fine, and we have to have friends outside our relationship. I started noticing she is becoming really close with one particular colleague. I always trusted her with my life, but there was something not right. A funny feeling.. there were some tells in her messages... I confronted her if there is anything going on (and was actually frightened she might be mad because I question her)... but to my horror, she admitted to have been on two drinks with him alone and nothing more happened but she found herself confused. She decided not to tell me because she told him about her feelings (and he also admitted he's confused), and she decided to try and suppress the feelings by having close to no contact with him and cherish the relationship she is in.. but i found it out first.

    Since then, (it has been a month since i found out), she is still not sure about her feelings because she loves me very much and says I'm the perfect guy for her and she says she knows I would be a perfect husband forever.. but she says at the same time its not fair to me because of the mixed feelings. I absolutely DONT want to loose her and would do anything for her and I made that clear. She says that she might want to be alone for sometime to figure things out. I love her so much that I suggested to let her go and give her the freedom,,, but she completely broke down and said she can't leave me and reapitedly said she's an idiot for putting this kind of love and everything we worked for for 7 years at risk. I understand that, but I can see she is still struggling.... I tried to end it once again (not because I want to but because I think she needs a break...), but again she was not ready.. .days are going by and I am really not sure what to do anymore... I want to be there for her, I want to help her, but I'm not sure how.

    These are my questions :

    Should I "force" the breakup and let her go in hopes she learns what she lost? And when I say force, I don't mean that I want to drive her away, it's just that I think this might be best for her now.?

    Should I be super kind to her and constantly let her know I don't want to lose her?

    Should I just try to act super normal and see where it goes?

    Never thought this might happen... we love eachother so much but cant seem to go back on track...

    I am devastated.

    Thank you sooo much for any advice

  • #2
    My advice is to just be yourself around her and see where it goes... BUT don't be a doormat.
    Okay, so this girl has been in a serious long-term relationship since she was 17 and she's probably wondering what else is out there. It sucks for you, but it's understandable. I say cut her some slack since she hasn't actually cheated on you with that colleague (although she should have told you about it before going out with him alone). However, she shouldn't keep you hanging for too long! You deserve to know where your relationship stands and she needs to make up her mind.

    Tell her you need her to make a decision either way, and she needs to make it soon. She either commits fully to you, or she cuts you loose and goes her own way. You can't be her back-up option.
    IF she decides to commit to your relationship, do your best to help her figure out what got her doubting in the first place. Was it boredom, being stuck in a rut, feeling like she grew up too fast and missed out? Maybe there's something the two of you can do together to avoid this happening again in the future?
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      I think the entire issue can be attributed to the fact that she got into a 7.5 year relationship when she was 17. What the hell does a 17 year old girl know about life? You're the only one she's ever known. It's a given that at some point she's going to start wondering what she is missing in life.

      She's afraid of leaving because you are a huge security blanket and she's terrified of being on her own. However, that is exactly what needs to happen. Given the amount of confusion she is feeling, she needs to explore other life options. It's not fair to ask her to commit to a lifetime relationship when she has never experienced anything else.

      I don't think she needs an in "Decide by March 1st." She needs a good deal of time to figure it all out away from the cocoon of your relationship.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


      • #4
        I tried to end it once again (not because I want to but because I think she needs a break...), but again she was not ready..
        What's she waiting for to make sure 'chuckles' is ready to have her before she lets go of her safety net?

        Your girl has had no one but you and she's crushing on another guy. Let her go and tell her if you're still single when/if she gets this wanderlust out of her system to give you a call. If you continue on waiting until "she's ready," then she's just using you for an anchor as she checks out the waves.

        Have you asked her to help herself get over her Limerence for this guy by going zero contact and by not having any one-on-one date like activities with him, to refrain from any work functions that he will be at where you're not also invited? If you haven't, why not? Does you know how badly her action are making you feel?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


        • #5
          Act super normal, enjoy your time alone and mentally cut her out of your life. This is probably very hard to do when you're young...actually, I know it is very hard to do when you're young. You'll probably fumble through it and find yourself breaking down in pizza, in the shower, in the car on your way to work. You may ask yourself what you did to deserve this and you may curse her name and swear you're off dating forever. I'd cut my losses and move on. 7.5 years is nothing in the larger scheme. It only looks long because right now that's 7.5/~31ish, 1/4 of your short life. In relation to the next 20, 30 or 40 years this won't be such a long time unless you keep running up against a brick wall with a woman who is callous about your feelings the rest of your life. I wouldn't wait around for her. She's not the most beautiful woman on the earth, she's probably not the most amazing and she exited the building, lit it on fire and left you standing alone in it. Move on.