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Why do I hold on to people I don't even want?

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  • Why do I hold on to people I don't even want?

    I'm a 21 year old dude, my Ex and I dated for 2 and a half years and by year 1 I knew for a fact I didn't want to marry her but I held on for some reason.
    Don't get me wrong... I loved her a lot, but we were just better off as friends.

    By the time we broke up she seemed like a completely different person and I absolutely hated the relationship yet I still chased her for 3 fucking months to take me back.

    A similar thing happened with my ex before the most recent one. We dated for 2 years and she was an abusive egotistical nightmare. Yet I dated her for TWO YEARS.
    I ended up breaking up with her but regretting it a week later and chasing her for nearly a year.
    She took me back but it didn't work for obvious reasons.
    The only reason I stopped chasing was because she started dating someone new.

    Why on EARTH am I like this?
    It's like the logical and emotional parts of my brain are fighting it out constantly.


    Is it just cowardice?
    Last edited by Craydenium; February 1st, 2018, 12:07 AM.

  • #2
    I just see lost identity. You've forgotten what you believe in and what you stand for and get caught up in bad situations and bad decisions. Be honest with where you're at in your life right now and if you can, try to visualize what you want out of life.

    What were your parents like growing up?

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
      I just see lost identity. You've forgotten what you believe in and what you stand for and get caught up in bad situations and bad decisions. Be honest with where you're at in your life right now and if you can, try to visualize what you want out of life.

      What were your parents like growing up?
      I think an important bit of info I left out was that these two girls have been my only 'real' girlfriends.
      The abusive one was my first 'real' one and I dated this other girl shortly after my ex got in a relationship with that guy.

      My parents separated at an early age ... it was a very toxic marriage with drugs, alcohol, and cheating.
      I live with my Mom and she's very emotionally closed off.

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      • #4
        That's fine. Numbers don't really matter in the larger scheme. The main thing is that you are strong in your beliefs and understand right from wrong. Ie. you understand when a woman doesn't treat you well and don't make the same mistake again, and realize that you deserve better.

        Think of a public figure whom you respect(possibly male). What qualities do you think of as good qualities in a man? Most people generally don't think of this when they're growing up if one or more parents aren't around or in a dysfunctional parent-child relationship. If you can visualize and actualize those qualities you might understand better the kind of man you want to be.

        Women or people in general at your age aren't self-actualized. I'd be a little less harsh on yourself, love yourself more and focus on positive qualities that you feel are important to have yourself and the types of qualities you look for in people around you.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          Think of a public figure whom you respect(possibly male). What qualities do you think of as good qualities in a man? Most people generally don't think of this when they're growing up if one or more parents aren't around or in a dysfunctional parent-child relationship. If you can visualize and actualize those qualities you might understand better the kind of man you want to be.
          Funny enough, I have thought about this a lot.
          I know exactly what I want to be (confident, emotionally available, motivated, etc etc) but I just can't seem to get these desirable traits no matter how hard I try.

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          • #6
            While you're realizing you want to be those things and are working actively towards that, it defeats the purpose associating with unhealthy or toxic people. Would you agree? They have to work together.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              While you're realizing you want to be those things and are working actively towards that, it defeats the purpose associating with unhealthy or toxic people. Would you agree? They have to work together.
              Yeah I completely agree.
              My most recent ex told me the kind of guy she wants to be with and I found it amusing that it perfectly described who I want to be.
              Maybe her lack of emotional support (yet presence in my life) was the very thing keeping me back.

              EDIT:
              I also think it's pretty important to note that I might have depression, but I don't know for sure.
              Last edited by Craydenium; February 1st, 2018, 12:47 AM.

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              • #8
                Don't use anyone as your crutch. No one wants to support someone all the time emotionally. It's draining especially if you are needing a partner to validate what you say/what you do often.

                Would it make you feel better or more capable if a dr told you your problems would go away with a few pills?

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  Don't use anyone as your crutch. No one wants to support someone all the time emotionally. It's draining especially if you are needing a partner to validate what you say/what you do often.
                  I appreciate the advice but she was literally never there for me emotionally.
                  I honestly can't recall one time.

                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  Would it make you feel better or more capable if a dr told you your problems would go away with a few pills?
                  Devout pill avoid-er.

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                  • #10
                    Maybe you havenít really learnt to love yourself and being with someone is just easier than facing your inner demons and sorting them out, the first step is always admitting it and you can see that you have a problem so the next step is to just work at it. You should try to be single and become the kind of guy you want to be, someone you are proud to be. Then you can start looking to date again and by being mature, emotionally available, confident and motivated, thatís exactly the type of person you will attract. Sometimes we are with people that we donít love, but that we think we deserve but I think you deserve better
                    Last edited by Cassia; February 1st, 2018, 01:52 AM.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Cassia View Post
                      Maybe you havenít really learnt to love yourself and being with someone is just easier than facing your inner demons and sorting them out, the first step is always admitting it and you can see that you have a problem so the next step is to just work at it. You should try to be single and become the kind of guy you want to be, someone you are proud to be. Then you can start looking to date again and by being mature, emotionally available, confident and motivated, thatís exactly the type of person you will attract. Sometimes we are with people that we donít love, but that we think we deserve but I think you deserve better
                      Love this comment, thank you.

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                      • #12
                        No, it's not cowardice. It's insecurity. Find out who you are, what your purpose in life is, what makes you happy, what characteristic traits you admire in others, emulate those who are honorable and you'll attract stable, sound people. Get your act together. Secure people are drawn to secure people. Through trial and error with life and relationships, you will mature over time. Youth is filled with a lot of uncertainty and there's a lot of growing up to do.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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