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I finally put my foot down instead of being nice and I got respect

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  • I finally put my foot down instead of being nice and I got respect

    Now my wife and I are talking and we're even planning to go on a trip with our kid. This trip will happen in 6 to 8 days depending on work. For those who have read my previous topics, you know that things between my wife and I have not been great and that she has been staying with her family.

    Anyways, I started being nice, letting her have her way, getting her gifts, helping her out and her friends, paying most of the bills, cleaning the apartment, etc.

    Alright, so she asks me if she can have the apartment to herself for 1 day on Friday. I told her that I can't promise anything but I'll see about staying with a friend but what I could do is stay away from the apartment and only go to the apartment to go to sleep; otherwise, she can pay for my hotel because I can't afford to pay for everything and the hotel as well. She told me that won't work and that she wants to be completely by herself, like with no one around and she starts cussing me out and telling me that I don't care about her mental health and that I don't understand. (This made me mad because there were times that I slept in my car so she could have the apartment. I know she is not cheating because I use to have tape recorders around the house and she was either by herself or with friends that were girls.)

    Anyways, I told her this: "I told you I would try! Stop manipulating me and giving me the guilt trip. I'm tired of it and I don't deserve to be treated like that. We will see what happens. I'll sleep in my car again if I have to because I care about your mental health and I do understand! Your family and everyone in general is driving you crazy. There are times when you need to be alone. I know how depression and anxiety works. I'm tired of having to sleep in my car and my back hurting like hell but I'll do that for you if push comes to shove. Most likely, I'll be able to stay with a friend. I'm willing to do more for you than you are for me. I'm tired of you always thinking negatively of me and not recognizing me for the positives. All I ask is that you stop treating me like shit. It upsets me when you say stuff like that when I have been mostly nice and supportive towards you. Try sleeping in the car, it's not very comfortable. The reason I stopped being nice a while back was because I got taken advantage of and treated like shit. Eventually, I got tired of it. I don't want us to be mean towards each other but I'm letting you know that I'm not putting up with your bullshit any longer. Not from you, not from my family, not from anyone. You say I'm childish but here you are cussing me out because of the 1 time in a long time that you did not get your way. Stop being a hypocrite and take responsibility. I'm not perfect but neither are you. When we go to the mountains, I don't want to talk about our relationship, I just want you, my child, and myself to have a good time.

    She said "Okay, I'll stop. Does Tuesday around Noon work for you for the mountains?"

    Before, she would only talk when she needed something and avoided my questions. Now she answers my questions. This just goes to show you that you should not put up with someone treating you like shit when you are being nice to them. Let them have it!

    You don't have to be an asshole but there is a difference between being nice and being a pushover.
    Last edited by Jokerwise; January 31st, 2018, 12:30 PM.

  • #2
    It's true about "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." Speak up otherwise people think you're either a doormat or an enabler. Sometimes relationships get ugly after speaking up before it gets better but at the end of the day if the other party is intelligent enough to figure it out, you will receive respect and less lip service. That's how it was with me even if the end result wasn't ideal. At least people realize that no means no. Unfortunately, in this society when you're too nice, you're considered weak and you get taken advantage of. Being outspoken (within reason) gives you self-respect and you have to defend yourself otherwise you'll get mowed down. It's the way of the world. I've since learned this the hard way.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      So true. You know what it tells your SO when you're being too nice? It tells them that of the two of you, they hold a greater value in the relationship because you're trying to hard and going beyond yourself to hold onto them.
      Balance is essential. Both partners need to set the bar high enough for each other. Loving each other is fine, but that doesn't mean you should put up with bullshit.

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      • #4
        Update: She asked me how much of an advance notice she needs to give me for future reference and what is your problem?

        I told her that’s not the point. The point and problem is that I’m doing all of this for you and I don’t get a thank you unless I complain about it. I have done more for you than anyone else has. I’m tired of you always thinking negatively of me and not remembering all the positives and acussing me of shit I’ve never done. You complain about your mom but you act just like her and I’m fucking tired of it.

        She said that she has had a hard day and did not mean to take it out on me.

        I told her that it’s not just today, this has been going on for months. You keep saying that I’m such an asshole when I have been nothing but nice to you and I’m about to show you how much of an asshole I can really be.

        She busted into tears and apologized and everything. Now she is trying to let me know things ahead of time, we’re talking more now, and she is even making a playlist for us when we go to the mountains.

        Keep everything in balance. Make them earn your kindness and be a man!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Jokerwise View Post
          Update: She asked me how much of an advance notice she needs to give me for future reference and what is your problem?

          I told her thatís not the point. The point and problem is that Iím doing all of this for you and I donít get a thank you unless I complain about it. I have done more for you than anyone else has. Iím tired of you always thinking negatively of me and not remembering all the positives and acussing me of shit Iíve never done. You complain about your mom but you act just like her and Iím fucking tired of it.

          She said that she has had a hard day and did not mean to take it out on me.

          I told her that itís not just today, this has been going on for months. You keep saying that Iím such an asshole when I have been nothing but nice to you and Iím about to show you how much of an asshole I can really be.

          She busted into tears and apologized and everything. Now she is trying to let me know things ahead of time, weíre talking more now, and she is even making a playlist for us when we go to the mountains.

          Keep everything in balance. Make them earn your kindness and be a man!
          "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" is an absolutely terrible attitude to have.

          You're invading her privacy, and you seem to only do nice things for her because you want something (praise, etc). Sorry to say that's incredibly immature and selfish. You should give because you *feel* like giving and expect nothing in return.

          You are the one who's manipulating her. There's a huge difference between wanting to be heard (which comes from a place of vulnerability and understanding and communication *with* your partner) and establishing controlling dominance because you didn't get your way.

          Grow the fuck up. Get over yourself.

          Maybe someday you'll be a man, but not yet, my son.
          "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Panda View Post

            "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" is an absolutely terrible attitude to have.

            You're invading her privacy, and you seem to only do nice things for her because you want something (praise, etc). Sorry to say that's incredibly immature and selfish. You should give because you *feel* like giving and expect nothing in return.

            You are the one who's manipulating her. There's a huge difference between wanting to be heard (which comes from a place of vulnerability and understanding and communication *with* your partner) and establishing controlling dominance because you didn't get your way.

            Grow the fuck up. Get over yourself.

            Maybe someday you'll be a man, but not yet, my son.
            lol, first of all, the apartment is in my name and I pay more of the rent so technically she has no privacy but that was a 1 time thing and I had valid reasons to suspect foul play but I stopped after that one time.

            Second, When someone sleeps in their car for you, I think it’s at least fair not to treat them like shit and falsely claim that they never did anything for you and say you don’t care at all because they didn’t care, they would not do it at all; even if there is no thank you at least don’t treat them like shit and falsely say that they don’t care but you’re right, I’m going to be nice and do something nice when I feel like being nice, not to achieve something in return. If you keep asking me to do things for you and want to keep leading me on and treat me like shit later, fuck that!

            What I learned is to take the lead. I learned that as much as you want someone, you don’t need them. I learned to be nice but not be a pushover and learned to put my foot down when needed. Everything in balance.

            With that being said, I want her to be free. I want her to choose me on her own. No more games. It takes 2 people. I’m not saying I’m innocent but neither is she.

            We both accepted responsibility on our parts. We are now talking and working some things out. I took over managing finances completely so that it would take stress off of her and I did not ask her for a thank you and she didn’t, that’s fine. I’m doing it to help us as a family and for me to take on more responsibility.

            When we go to the mountains, we’re just going to have fun and enjoy ourselves. I’m not even bringing up our relationship. If she wants to bring it up, that’s fine if it’s positive but if it’s negative, I’m going to tell her that it’s going to have to wait until after the trip because I don’t want to fight in front of our kid and that I would like for both of us to have a civilized conversation about it like adults.












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            • #7
              Originally posted by Jokerwise View Post

              lol, first of all, the apartment is in my name and I pay more of the rent so technically she has no privacy but that was a 1 time thing and I had valid reasons to suspect foul play but I stopped after that one time.
              I'm glad you stopped. That's not now privacy works. There is no relationship without trust. If you can't trust her, it's better to appeal to your better side and either trust, or share your concerns with a cool head and vulnerability. Even if I suspected my partner cheating, I'd *never* look at their phone. I'd just leave. If they're not big enough of a person to admit something they did wrong to me on their own volition, I don't want anything to do with them.

              If you keep asking me to do things for you and want to keep leading me on and treat me like shit later, fuck that!
              I agree with you there. It's best to let go if you're not getting what you need.

              What I learned is to take the lead. I learned that as much as you want someone, you don't need them. I learned to be nice but not be a pushover and learned to put my foot down when needed. Everything in balance.
              Good!

              With that being said, I want her to be free. I want her to choose me on her own. No more games. It takes 2 people.
              yes it does!

              We both accepted responsibility on our parts. We are now talking and working some things out. I took over managing finances completely so that it would take stress off of her and I did not ask her for a thank you and she didnít, thatís fine. Iím doing it to help us as a family and for me to take on more responsibility.
              I think that's a very mature attitude to adopt. Good!

              When we go to the mountains, weíre just going to have fun and enjoy ourselves. Iím not even bringing up our relationship. If she wants to bring it up, thatís fine if itís positive but if itís negative, Iím going to tell her that itís going to have to wait until after the trip because I donít want to fight in front of our kid and that I would like for both of us to have a civilized conversation about it like adults.
              I think that's all you can ask for. If you keep putting your kid first, I think a lot of the problems will kind of fade away. Being aware that a little person is looking to you both to learn what to expect from life is a huge responsibility. I am glad you're taking that seriously.
              Last edited by Panda; February 3rd, 2018, 01:51 PM.
              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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              • #8
                Got back from the mountains a few days ago and we both had a good time. She complimented me on my music with a song that I sung, she even prolonged the date when I was going to take her back to her maws sooner but ends up texting me saying that it doesn’t change anything and that she feels that she does not have romantic feelings for me anymore but wants to go on another trip. We spent time after that and have been talking more and I started talking dirty to her. She asked me to tell her a story and I told her a story that involved hardcore BDSM and she did not know what to think of it. She was speechless but I could tell that she was really horny from it because I know how she gets. I told her that I can make her horny and make her feel things that no one else can and she did not deny it like she has been with my other advancesz We did not have sex but I could tell she was wanting to but was fighting it. She has told me that I was the only one to make her squirt. She tried to tell me that she never had feelings for me before that or butterflies in her stomach for me but I came acrosa Facebook messages from when we first dated that contradicted that because she told me that she thought about me a lot and would get butterflies in her stomach, that she was happy with me, and that she never felt this way towards anyone before. She was actually the one who brought up marriage to me. My friends say that she is in denial when she says that she no longer has feelings for me.

                I feel like she is still in love with me but does not want to be and is trying to resist me.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Jokerwise View Post
                  Got back from the mountains a few days ago and we both had a good time. She complimented me on my music with a song that I sung, she even prolonged the date when I was going to take her back to her maws sooner but ends up texting me saying that it doesn’t change anything and that she feels that she does not have romantic feelings for me anymore but wants to go on another trip. We spent time after that and have been talking more and I started talking dirty to her. She asked me to tell her a story and I told her a story that involved hardcore BDSM and she did not know what to think of it. She was speechless but I could tell that she was really horny from it because I know how she gets. I told her that I can make her horny and make her feel things that no one else can and she did not deny it like she has been with my other advancesz We did not have sex but I could tell she was wanting to but was fighting it. She has told me that I was the only one to make her squirt. She tried to tell me that she never had feelings for me before that or butterflies in her stomach for me but I came acrosa Facebook messages from when we first dated that contradicted that because she told me that she thought about me a lot and would get butterflies in her stomach, that she was happy with me, and that she never felt this way towards anyone before. She was actually the one who brought up marriage to me. My friends say that she is in denial when she says that she no longer has feelings for me.

                  I feel like she is still in love with me but does not want to be and is trying to resist me.
                  So where are you going with all this?
                  There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                  • #10
                    I feel like she is still in love with me but does not want to be and is trying to resist me.
                    That's as good as not being in love with you in case ya didn't know.
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                    • #11
                      Another update, I finally decided to let God handle it and get out of his way because at this point, there is not much else I can do. She does trust me and respects me more and is willing to give it a try but she thinks it's not going to work out but she said maybe there is a small chance. I am going to focus on work, bringing in more money, and getting us out of debt for the time being. I'm tired of being in debt and so is she so I'm going to do something about that and that's what I'll focus on for now.

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