Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Giving up on the dream

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Giving up on the dream

    Hi all,

    My boyfriend (23, m) of 3.5 years, and my first love, broke up with me(24, f) over the course of two months this fall. He toyed with my emotions and instilled a lot of false hope in me that we would be okay. During the excruciating long process he would tell me that he loves me and isn't sure he's making the right decision but that he needs to do this regardless. From the moment we met we talked about marriage and our life together. Our families and our friends all thought we were a couple that was going to make it; going to last. There was really very little doubt about this, no major issues or incompatibilities and as crazy as it sounds its like the universe brought us together. We grew up on opposite sides of the country and met in college when he was a Freshman and I was a junior. We had no mutual friends prior to meeting but quickly found out that his cousin who grew up in the town next to mine was friends with my older sister and his great aunt and uncle shopped in my dad's store for years. We were blown away when we found this out and our meeting and love just felt really kismet. When he graduated college in the Spring (i graduated two years earlier) he decided to take a job in the city we went to school in so that we could be together despite a part of him wanting to go home to his family.

    When he began the break up he totally blindsided me (and everyone else). He completely devastated me and shattered my heart and our shared dreams of the life we've always talked about having. His reason for breaking up was that he wanted "independence". He was never single (in a 3 year relationship in high school before meeting me in college) as we dated his entire college years. After many talks I found out that he had developed feelings for one of his girl friends that he's known since high school who lives in his neighborhood now. I've always been weary about her and had expressed to him in the past that her behavior towards him makes me uncomfortable. Needless to say they are together now. And while I know it wont last (she has none of the qualities he's looking for long term, his sister is not a fan of hers and has never been, etc.) watching him move on so quickly while I suffer with intense grief has been excruciating. Not only have I lost my boyfriend/partner/best friend/man I thought I'd spend my whole life with, I've also lost a lot of our shared friends as he now lives with them. I really got the short end of this stick on this break up.

    I'm really struggling with getting over him, letting go of wanting him to realize the mistake he made by ending things with me and coming back to me, and giving up the dream of the life I'll no longer be able to live. I was close with his family and he was with mine. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to get a grip on losing the life I had with him and our friends and the future life I so desperately wanted and envisioned with him. I should also mention that we have been NC for 10 weeks and that I've had no contact with his family during the break up at all. A part of me regrets not reaching out to his mom during the break up, not because she could have changed his mind but so that I could express to her how much he means to me and that I've said and done everything I could think of to have him fight for us, and that I appreciate how warmly she took me into her family and how I so wish the outcome was different for us. I'm not sure if expressing this to her now will help me heal so that I don't have the regret of not having spoken to her. I'm just really struggling with all aspects of this relationship.

    Obviously my ex is not the man I thought he was if he could replace me before our relationship even really ended. And I am struggling to come to terms with that because I also know the other amazing parts of him that has made me feel so loved and safe over the last 3.5 years. But I still love him so much and fear that I always will. I fear that I'll wind up settling for someone who doesn't make me feel the way I feel about my ex and settle for a life I don't want because my ex was so integral in that dream. As crazy as it is, despite knowing that my ex is capable of this I still really want him to come back to me and tell me he messed up big time and wants to work on us. I really felt like he was the one for me. I would have never given up on him or on our love and I did nothing short of beg him to not give up on us either during those 2 months. I'm just really sad and lost and it doesn't feel like the time and NC has improved any of my grief. I still cry nearly every day, I'm in so much pain. I don't feel like myself. I've gone on two dates and am on the apps and I feel like no one will compare to my ex and have all the qualities I so loved about him. I miss him and miss my life. I'm still so devastated. Any advice/stories/comments would be so appreciated.

    Xx,
    Last edited by endgame246; January 30th, 2018, 12:39 AM.

  • #2
    Time will heal old wounds. Your hurt will never 100% go away but it will fade. It's hard to see it now. I hope you tell yourself that you won't settle for someone sub par. That would be unfair to you and the future man in your life. It's a great big world out there. Not everyone is a bad apple. There are good ones left! Eventually rebuild your self-confidence and you'll draw the type of men who want to be a with a self-confident woman. Give yourself time to recover from your 1st love.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm sorry to hear your story. I can tell you're hurting.
      Just hang in there. You're doing everything right, holding the NC with him and his family. Things will get better eventually!
      Just focus on yourself for now. Figure out what you want in life. Get a hobby. Make some new friends. Join a gym. Learn a new language. Travel to a far away country.
      Rediscover the amazing person that you are. Build your self esteem. You don't need to be in a relationship to have things to look forward to or things to be proud of.
      Give yourself time to heal and cut yourself some slack if it takes some time to get over things. Every day you'll get one step closer to putting this behind you.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

      Comment


      • #4
        He sounds like he was good to you but in the end he isn't good enough and he walked away from what you both shared in order to pursue a relationship with someone else. You won't feel the effect of that and the finality of that for awhile. Takes a few more weeks. But when you come to terms with it, you'll eventually be able to acknowledge those dreams ended long before you actually broke up and you may be able to let go then. It does take awhile to process that feeling of failed aspirations, hope and dreams, and overcome that. Give yourself some time.

        I wouldn't go back and question yourself about reaching out to anyone who knows him(ie his mother). Need I say: very bad idea. You would not then know the truth of his actions or the purity of his feelings and clarity of his mind. Everything as he is has already been revealed to you. And a man who needs his mother's better judgment in relationships is not a man. You just need to accept it.

        Comment


        • #5
          Right now you're hurt and feeling sorry for yourself. Your ego has taken a great blow. You didn't do anything wrong. He simply found someone who he thought was more compatible with him.

          Don't give up on men. You'll find someone eventually. Don't settle for just anyone. Give it some time.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

          Comment


          • #6
            Perhaps you're right, Rose, about it taking more time for me to accept what is. Though I have a hard time of believing that the dream died a long time ago. In May at my ex's graduation lunch his parents thanked my parents for taking such good care of him the last 4 years and for welcoming him into our family. In June my family and I visited his family on the west coast. This was my parents second trip in 6 months to visit with them and they met his entire extended family. In July my ex and I travelled to Japan together to make his dream of visiting that country come true. In August, when my ex "officially" moved back to start his job I spent days and days apartment hunting with him. It was exciting, it felt like we we're starting the next chapter of out lives. Just 3 weeks after that is when all of the break up talk began. I just feel so blindsided by his decision. There were no real warning signs, no conversations where he expressed that he wasn't as sure about our future as he once was. He let me believe that all his promises to me about our future were true until he just pulled the rug out from underneath me. His decision seems so unjustified. To leave me, and immediately replace me with someone who just isn't going to cut it for him long term.

            It just sucks. I so badly want my life back, my boyfriend back, my friends back, my dream of our future together back. For weeks I tried explaining to him that what we had cant be replaced. That his lust for is just that and that in the long term it could never work (different religions, different visions for life, etc.). Whereas I, the person that knows him the best, who loves him more than anyone in the world was thrown to the wayside so he could pursue this fleeting romance while he throws away a sure thing. I fought for him to see what i saw, what he once saw just a few weeks prior to the start of these conversations. The whole time he was breaking up with me he kept saying he's not sure that this was the right decision, that he knows he loves me, that I've been the most total part of his life for the last 3.5 years, but it's what he must do. He masked his wanting to be with her as him wanting "independence". It just doesn't make any sense to me.

            Comment


            • #7
              I was blindsided like that once. Although when I looked back at it the thousand times afterwards all the signals were there. He was just so good at keeping mum about it and we were both not as comfortable with each other as I thought. I was also enamoured with all the fancy things that relationship brought like new family ties and a whole bright "future" just like you. I had believed there was a future because every question I had, he had an answer to. He was actually quite perfect and he seemed to know what he wanted. Well, he also knew what he didn't want and that was me. If he told you it was something he had to do, listen. It doesn't matter what the reason at the end of the day. He made the decision to walk away from your relationship. I hear you compromising with the devil too - metaphorically. Not that he's the devil but you were compromising and willing to take him back despite his choices. No man should make you ever compromise yourself like that. I don't know if you will realize it now. I realized it maybe ten years later and I had no one to talk to. I was willing to take someone back too but after a time I just lost heart. I realized if someone could treat me as disposable once, they never get to come into my life again. The relationship is like a vase and there are only so many major cracks before it stops looking and being a vase anymore or ceases to act as a vessel. Some people keep thinking that broken shards continue to make a vessel. Not for me.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by endgame246 View Post

                For weeks I tried explaining to him that what we had cant be replaced. That his lust for is just that and that in the long term it could never work (different religions, different visions for life, etc.). Whereas I, the person that knows him the best, who loves him more than anyone in the world was thrown to the wayside so he could pursue this fleeting romance while he throws away a sure thing. I fought for him to see what i saw, what he once saw just a few weeks prior to the start of these conversations. The whole time he was breaking up with me he kept saying he's not sure that this was the right decision, that he knows he loves me, that I've been the most total part of his life for the last 3.5 years, but it's what he must do. He masked his wanting to be with her as him wanting "independence". It just doesn't make any sense to me.
                Love isn't rational. It's not a reasonable list of pro's and cons to make you decide who's the most suited partner for you. There's no convincing someone. If they don't feel it deep within, they won't be persuaded.
                If it was all as simple as compatability, we could all be matched by computer algorithms.
                Whatever his reasons for leaving you, he had the right to do so, however painful it feels to you. It sucks yes. It doesn't feel fair. But holding on to this rational list of reasons why he SHOULD be with you instead of that other girl, isn't going to make it any easier to accept your life as it is.

                He left you. There is no "but". He's gone. Should he have stayed with you? That doesn't matter, because that's not what happened. Should he have given you a warning that he wasn't happy? Maybe, but again that doesn't matter. It went the way it did and should'a, could'a, would'a isn't going to change that. You have no control over the past. You do control where you go from here, how you build your life back up, a little bit more each day.
                You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

                Comment

                Working...
                X