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  • Porn issue

    My fiancÚ yesterday decided to snoop through my phone while I was making coffee. She was looking to see if I've watched any porn recently and she got what she was looking for. However it wasn't the porn videos she had an issue with, it's the fact that I googled nude actress pictures and just scanned through them literally out of boredom one day. Mind you she has always claimed that watching porn is normal and ok and she does it too. However 5 months ago I let her use my phone and she saw a video in my history and got very upset. As you can see I'm quite confused as to what is acceptable to her. To me, looking at nude photos is not nearly as bad at some of the hardcore porn videos that I've seen her watch. She's gone over the top now, she wants to separate over this and we have a house and 6 month old daughter. This is devastating to me because I'm a good guy and father and she is acting like she just caught me sleeping with other women. I know that the underlying issue here is not necessarily porn, but the fact that our intimacy level has been extremely low due to the baby and the fact that her father is on his death bed battling cancer. She's also been very sick all winter so we literally have sex twice per month. Anyway, I'm in love with her and I'm a good family man who is always there for his family, and while I understand that her feelings are real and she's hurt, I don't think I deserve to be thrown to the curb nor have my daughter grow up in a broken household. I don't know what to do, talking doesn't seem to help as she seems to have her mind made up that I'm the scum of the earth. Please let me know your thoughts. I feel like she's pulled a bait and switch on me twice..."porn is ok everyone watches porn" to " I'm a disgusting human who no longer deserves his family"

  • #2
    Your fiancÚ is clearly reacting this strongly because she's battling her own insecurities, where as before when she mentioned porn was okay, she probably had a lot more self esteem. The porn was never a threat before, because she was confident that she was still and always will be your number 1. I assume the lack of intimacy and the other changes in your situation (newborn baby, changes in her body and libido since childbirth, family tragedy, ...) has her afraid that she's no longer the woman you desire. The porn then becomes a threat.

    I'd say do whatever you can to uncover her insecurities and fears and have her communicate why she's so threatened by porn. Re-assure her that she's still the woman that makes you weak to your knees, that you still desire her and that she satisfies all your needs like she used to, and that the porn doesn't signify that you don't find her attractive anymore or that you're unsatisfied with your love life. Maybe suggest to discuss this with a counselor or a sex therapist.
    Ask her very clearly and specifically what she feels comfortable with in regards to porn of explicit pictures and redefine the relationship boundaries together and be sensitive about it. I know you feel like she's being unreasonable and she's "pulled a bait and switch", but if you disregard her reasons for acting this way, you're only going to make her more defensive.

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    • #3
      She's going through a lot right now, so the first thing to do is not panic or do anything that would make things worse.

      Based on what you'd described, there is a difference in her mind between watching regular and random porn, which she might see is "just sex", and deliberately seeking out pictures of naked women you can name, like actresses, which she might see as an indication of "desire" for a real-life person other than your fiance. Has anything she's said fit that?

      I'd also ask why you are not yet married? How long have you been engaged? Could it be that she's feeling her life is in turmoil and she feels you aren't EVER going to commit and provide the stability she's hoping for?

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      • #4
        Both of your responses are very accurate in terms of what she's communicated to me. We have not married yet because of the pregnancy/baby/fathers cancer battle. In fact she has always been less interested in marriage than me. She's says she doesn't need a legal binding for someone to commit to her, it means nothing to her. We have a lot going on right now and the last thing we wanted to do was pile on with wedding plans

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        • #5
          You have a 6 month old child. When the child was only 4 weeks old you were looking up porn. I think it's natural for anyone to be somewhat distressed by that because one would assume priorities have changed. How on earth can anyone be bored when they have a 4 week old baby??
          I agree with Pollon that googling specific women / actresses whatever is a lot more personal than random porn. She will compare herself.
          How supportive are you with your child? Are you involved with feeding, bathing, putting to sleep, settling etc? Are you allowing her time to visit her dad?
          Perhaps you are working full time and she is a stay at home mom?
          But I hope you realise that once you are gone from work it's shared duties?
          I doubt the issue here is simply porn related. Can you give us more information?

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          • #6
            Maggie, we own a house and live together. I do the majority of the baby care due to our work schedules. I get her ready every morning for daycare so I'm always feeding changing carrying her around etc. I'm a very hands on father, and we both work full time. In fact I feel I do about 70% of the baby care in our relationship. Especially because of her dad in the process of dying from cancer, she is depressed and usually doesn't even want to get out of bed after she gets home from work. I feel horrible that now on top of this she decided to look through my phone and saw this stuff that upset her. I truly feel like she's at rock bottom and I would do anything to save our relationship.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Ray52lew2004 View Post
              Maggie, we own a house and live together. I do the majority of the baby care due to our work schedules. I get her ready every morning for daycare so I'm always feeding changing carrying her around etc. I'm a very hands on father, and we both work full time. In fact I feel I do about 70% of the baby care in our relationship. Especially because of her dad in the process of dying from cancer, she is depressed and usually doesn't even want to get out of bed after she gets home from work. I feel horrible that now on top of this she decided to look through my phone and saw this stuff that upset her. I truly feel like she's at rock bottom and I would do anything to save our relationship.
              How are your finances? She is back to work after a few months?
              Thats added pressure? Glad to hear you are a hands on dad!
              Post natal depression perhaps? Combined with her dad issues? That's tough!
              She needs your full support right now.
              Is porn something you need in your life?
              Were or are you sensitive to her feelings? Do you truly know how she feels?
              Are you able to discuss this with her without a heated argument?
              Have you truly apologised?
              Just because she was ok with porn doesn't mean she is now especially if depressed or with the change of having a baby,
              Talk to her honestly.

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              • #8
                No it's not something I need in my life. I already said that to her, I didn't think it was a big deal but now that I know how much it hurt her that I wouldn't watch anymore. I can't really have a civilized discussion with her because she is out of control right now. Screaming etc. she is literally acting like I went out and had sex with 10 women. I sent her a long email because it's the only way I can communicate my thoughts with the way she is acting. I never in 1000 years would ever think I would be in such a mess over something like this. I know a lot of this anger had to do with her dad dying but her feelings are real.

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                • #9
                  OMG. Lock your phone down or don't leave it around for her to look through which is then giving her an excuse to blame you for her lack of libido.

                  By chance have you been complaining about only having sex twice a month?

                  It really makes me laugh that women who have lost their libido (for whatever reason) get offended when their husband starts wanking to porn. It's not fair to expect your spouse to be celibate just because they themselves have practically become so.

                  This is not about what she saw IMHO.

                  Get her to the doctor for a full panel blood and hormone workup and perhaps a referral to a psychologist where she can talk in private about what is going on within her body and her mind.
                  Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 30th, 2018, 03:22 PM.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Ray52lew2004 View Post
                    No it's not something I need in my life. I already said that to her, I didn't think it was a big deal but now that I know how much it hurt her that I wouldn't watch anymore. I can't really have a civilized discussion with her because she is out of control right now. Screaming etc. she is literally acting like I went out and had sex with 10 women. I sent her a long email because it's the only way I can communicate my thoughts with the way she is acting. I never in 1000 years would ever think I would be in such a mess over something like this. I know a lot of this anger had to do with her dad dying but her feelings are real.
                    And how did she respond to the email ?
                    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                    • #11
                      I didn't think it was a big deal but now that I know how much it hurt her that I wouldn't watch anymore.
                      Then it will be something else that sets her off I'm guessing. She's paranoid about something.

                      Why did she think she needed to snoop in your phone in the first place? What is making her mistrust you to the point that she is looking into your personal items to see what she can find? Why did she care if you were recently looking at porn to the point that she violated your privacy?
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                      • #12
                        I think the postpartum depression theory might be spot on here. If she's acting this irrational, on top of the depression she's feeling, she might benefit most from professional help.
                        Sounds like this problem might be too big for you to solve.
                        Could you suggest counseling to her, individual and as a couple?

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