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I need some advice please

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  • I need some advice please

    Thank you for taking the time to read this, I new here and I'm a 43 year old male who's been with the same woman for the last 17 years, for the last couple years my wife has been going down to Barbados to visit w friends and cousins, I can leave the country for legal reasons, but that's another story..
    So she went down last Aug w the intention to stay only 10 days, and upon her return we have a small amount of money were going to invest in a home based business. I spoke with my wife briefly about expenses and trying to keep them to a minimum so we don't forfeit our plans...
    Upon her arrival in Barbados I briefly spoke with her, and didn't hear from her for another 24 hrs... now we have a joint bank account to which all my funds go in, however she also has her own account and this is where the bulk of the funds have been saved, she was unaware that I had access to
    her account... low yes am I proud no, it did come in handy though... A 10 day trip turned into 14 days off boozed filled fun for her... only when I confronted her about her spending habits did she freak out, she spent 4000$ over 14 days and when I inquired about the money it turned into the bait and switch.
    after a few days she told me that she had transferred 2000$ into a savings account, at this point between the fighting I didn't realize that I could verify the transfer, obviously there was no transaction record of a transfer being made into another account and I knew things were bad.. When she returned things were fine for
    a couple days but I wasn't right because something didn't feel right, upon interrogating my wife where and who did she send the money too I come to discover she was stripping and sent her best friend the 2k to hold on to, my wife used to be a stripper 10 years ago, she's aware I don't approve and we have a kid since..
    so she told me in a nutshell that she danced 5 times made roughly 500 a night and she's sorry for letting me down, she seen an opportunity to make back some of her poor spendings... Now this story of hers may sound legit to some but not to me and I will tell you why...
    While she was gone for 14 days she made roughly 2 transactions a day, and w currency exchange and atm fee its a very costly expense, she was aware that I could see the spending habits yet she continued, wouldn't it have made more sense to spend the money I was unaware of,
    I mean if she didn't touch the money in the account and used the stripper money for her daily living I wouldn't have known at all, so basically what she is telling me (us) is she has American cash on her that nobody is aware of but she'd rather spend the money in the account and leave a paper
    trail for us to argue over, when I asked her how come she didn't use the cash she made , her response was she wanted to see how much she could collect, this is a stupid response and she's not a dumb woman, when she sent the 2k to her friend she apparently held a few hundred back.. I'm not being told everything clearly, theories anyone?

    Last edited by Gilpro; January 28th, 2018, 01:42 AM.

  • #2
    Your wife sounds deceitful. She deliberately withheld information from you which was dishonest, obviously. Perhaps try having a heart-to-heart lengthy discussion with her about trust issues you have with her and see if she'll fess up some more. If not, perhaps marriage and / or financial counseling? Trust is huge in relationships and / or marriage. Without trust the relationship is irrevocably broken. Hope it works out for you Gilpro.


    • #3
      You're absolutely right Chanelle, although I don't think she will confess anything else..... Since her Barbados incident she wants nothing to do with the islands, it became unimportant to her, she wants to forget and put behind her...
      Last edited by Gilpro; January 28th, 2018, 08:03 AM.


      • #4
        Well, if she sincerely apologized and if she's trying to make amends with you, perhaps you might want to consider giving her a chance to prove her sincerity. We all make mistakes and if a person admits wrongdoing and tries to better themselves, then I see the effort is there to improve the relationship. That's where forgiveness comes - - from you. Sure, you'll never forget but forgiveness is about moving on. Moving on is possible if the wrongdoer learned from their past mistake(s) and won't do it again. Now, if there are repeats and continued bad patterns, then the relationship is in deep trouble, time for professional help, some people seek faith based counseling and not from here. Since your wife wants to put the past behind her and move forward, that's a positive sign. You'll have to work on building your trust back up with her which will take a long time, I'm afraid. Baby steps.


        • #5
          Thanks Chanelle..


          • #6
            I for one would like to know how you can put the past behind you when you don't even know what tom-foolery she has been up to. She obsconded with money that was not only hers but yours as well. Is she into drugs or something?

            What happened to the $2,000 that she says she made stripping? Why did she have to send that to "a friend?" What has the friend done with it. Why did she go back to stripping without discussing with you as her partner if you would be okay with her doing that?

            If you want to put the past behind you then I'm pretty sure you need to have honesty so that you can learn to trust again.

            What does she do for a living now that she is (supposedly) no longer stripping?

            Frankly, I think she's giving you a lap dance as we speak. Don't be fooled by her... speak to her about wanting to move on from this but first you need to understand what really happened.
            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 29th, 2018, 02:55 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!