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  • Lost, Not Found (Help)

    Hi, this is my first post.

    I'm in a relationship that I don't think I want to be in.

    From the start I wanted to be friends, but fucked up big time by getting drunk and professing my love to him. (I don't drink anymore) #NewYearNewMe... Anyways, we started out in an open relationship, he changed his mind towards monogamy (which is what I did not want), it fucked with my head, and I ended up "cheating". My first time experiencing such emotions, it's consequences; so it was enlightening for me and I don't regret it.

    We click on a mental level perfectly, but sexually there is zero attraction. I wanted an open relationship, but he didn't, not until having a recent change of heart shortly after breaking up with me for cheating. I was content with the outcome (being single again) and already began to move on, until he came by my house and basically begged me to take him back, so I did. I'm a sucker for the manipulative type... but we get along so well, and I regained our open relationship status, as he said he'd do anything to get me back.

    He's not my type in that he's morbidly obese, shorter than me (major turn off), suffers with addiction (food), has no self-esteem and zero self-confidence, is a drama queen and terrifyingly clingy. But on the flip side he's incredibly identical to me in terms of personality, amazing to talk to, always great for a laugh as he shares my sense of humor, he's highly intelligent (big turn on for me), and we just click really well.

    Essentially, amazing friend material, but he's completely objective to us ever being "just friends" (a huge conflict for me, as I value his presence in my life).

    Also, his family knows I "cheated", but according to him, they're "ready to move on" and accept me back as family, but I refuse to put myself in that awkward position of things never being the same as they used to be with them (which was loving and very trusting). I don't feel obligated to feel "cheaters remorse" or shame, as he was part of the problem. And the explosive dramatic ending has made it's mark on my mind that I can't seem to move on from. A major complex has been created where of how he truly felt about me when he broke up with me previously. I can't seem to shake it off mentally.

    It's been a little over two months together and I'm starting to think I'm riding a dead horse, but I fear not having him being part of my life if I break up with him. Also,his family knows I cheated, but according to him, they're "ready to move on" and accept me back as family, but I refuse to put myself in that awkward position of things never being the same as they used to be (which was loving and trusting). I don't feel obligated to feel "cheaters remorse" or shame, as he was part of the problem. He has anger problems, but has controlled it for the most part, but I always see it creeping in every now and again.

    My best friend hates him, my family likes him, and I was just told by my therapist to break it off (I don't know how) because I'm not being honest with him or myself as long as I continue dating him. What to do and how to do it... hmmmm.... My brains fried from thinking so much..

  • #2
    Let me understand this properly: you agreed to be monogamous, you were not monogamous/cheated, you think he's unattractive, you're afraid of being alone and somehow it's okay for you (besides everyone else's opinion) to keep dating this monogamous, unattractive man?

    Comment


    • #3
      I don't feel obligated to feel "cheaters remorse" or shame, as he was part of the problem.
      Go google "Narcisstic Personality Disorder" *LoveLust* and I'm pretty sure you'll see your picture under the definition and symptoms.

      Please have him join the discussion so I can give him some advice on how to drop you like you were a hot potato. You, my dear are a hot mess.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        So the question I have to ask is, did you ever have sex with the guy? You say he's morbidly obese but zero self esteem and zero self confidence. That's why he's with you. For you to stay and keep him hooked and all just because he's intelligent and he makes you laugh is extremey narcissistic in my opinion. If he is so intelligent why is he still with you You don't fuck the guy, but what do you provide for him? You're pretty self centered and what is in it for him?
        There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by LoveLust View Post
          Hi, this is my first post.
          ... and apparently, it's your last as well. 0.o

          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            We should request a deposit on posts. If they respond, they get their deposit back. Kinda like collecting coke bottles.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

            Comment


            • #7
              Be honest with him, say it didn't work out between you two and break it off. It's time to leave the relationship because obviously you're unhappy. I would sincerely apologize, do the right thing and call it quits. End it with class and move on.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                Let me understand this properly: you agreed to be monogamous, you were not monogamous/cheated, you think he's unattractive, you're afraid of being alone and somehow it's okay for you (besides everyone else's opinion) to keep dating this monogamous, unattractive man?
                I agreed to go monogamous (against my better judgement), after actively partaking in the original open relationship he agreed too (against his better judgement). We both made mistakes with not being truthful of what we really wanted in the beginning.. Aside from that, the foundation of our relationship was based on chaos, manipulation, mind games, and white lies to please the other. He's not this innocent angel being corrupted. Calm down.

                I was asking for legitimate advice on what to do, not opinions of "right" vs "wrong". I don't believe in monogamy. It's not a real thing. Frankly, it's unnatural. He knew that was my belief system going in.

                During my absence here, we both agreed on this very same notion that it's fucked up for us to be together. Now we're just friends. No hard feelings. Grown up people shit. We still hang out and get along great.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                  Go google "Narcisstic Personality Disorder" *LoveLust* and I'm pretty sure you'll see your picture under the definition and symptoms.

                  Please have him join the discussion so I can give him some advice on how to drop you like you were a hot potato. You, my dear are a hot mess.
                  I am a hot mess... thank you for pointing out the obvious, hence why I came here for answers, not trigger-happy emotional put downs.

                  Actually, among the mental illness' I do have, Narcisstic Personality Disorder isn't one of them. My lifetime in psyche wards would've given that away, but thank you for the medical advice, nothing like a stranger giving me their WebMD certified expertise. Can you write me a script? Oh wait, you're not a Dr..

                  He came back to me, and I gave it a chance, but it didn't work out. After I brought my concerns up to him. We both agreed it was both fucked up for us to continue, mutually broke up, and remain as friends today. Name calling isn't necessary... my dear. Thanks for your morality policing though. I feel like a new woman.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by foh4k View Post
                    So the question I have to ask is, did you ever have sex with the guy?
                    All the time! We were very active sexually. It was great.

                    Originally posted by foh4k View Post
                    You say he's morbidly obese but zero self esteem and zero self confidence. That's why he's with you. For you to stay and keep him hooked and all just because he's intelligent and he makes you laugh is extremey narcissistic in my opinion.
                    Actually, he kept himself hooked, despite me giving him more than enough reason to run for the hills. My methods didn't work out, as he still came back and manipulated me once again to be with him.

                    Originally posted by foh4k View Post
                    If he is so intelligent why is he still with you You don't fuck the guy, but what do you provide for him? You're pretty self centered and what is in it for him?
                    Intelligence doesn't rule out clingyness. Me and him are two very clingy lonely people that were never compatible to start with. I've fucked his brains out whenever he needed me too.. I provided him what he provided me: comfort, empathy, understanding, unconditional love, relativity, humor, amazing memories to cherish forever... also I literally saved his life from choking on a piece of melon, since my absence from here, for which he was forever grateful for. So there's that. We're meant to be in each other's life, just not as lovers. It's working out just fine.... Plus, he doesn't work so I always had to pay for everything. I'm soooo narcissistic. *eyeroll*

                    And yes, I am VERY selfish, and self-centered. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, despite society's opposition. The "Selfish is Bad" mindset is the same one that triumphs the "monogamy" illusion into a legitimate faulty belief system. After 26 years of an abusive relationships, that took everything from me, I have every right to finally take care of myself, as I now have the opportunity to live my life for me.


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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                      ... and apparently, it's your last as well. 0.o
                      Nope, I plan to stick around. I like it here.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                        We should request a deposit on posts. If they respond, they get their deposit back. Kinda like collecting coke bottles.
                        Sounds good to me. Where do I sign up?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                          Be honest with him, say it didn't work out between you two and break it off. It's time to leave the relationship because obviously you're unhappy. I would sincerely apologize, do the right thing and call it quits. End it with class and move on.
                          Holy shit, the first and only reasonable person who left their perceptions and stones at the door, and went out of their way to actually give me some real advice. Thanks, it's appreciated. Great advice, I'm glad to report I did just that. We ended things mutually, and remain close friends.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by LoveLust View Post
                            And yes, I am VERY selfish, and self-centered. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, despite society's opposition. The "Selfish is Bad" mindset is the same one that triumphs the "monogamy" illusion into a legitimate faulty belief system. After 26 years of an abusive relationships, that took everything from me, I have every right to finally take care of myself, as I now have the opportunity to live my life for me.
                            Ok now this gives me a little more substance in which to understand your position.

                            There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              And yes, I am VERY selfish, and self-centered. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, despite society's opposition. The "Selfish is Bad" mindset is the same one that triumphs the "monogamy" illusion into a legitimate faulty belief system.
                              N.P.D.

                              After 26 years of an abusive relationships, that took everything from me, I have every right to finally take care of myself, as I now have the opportunity to live my life for me.
                              There is a happy medium between taking care of yourself and being selfish and self-centered. Did you ever get yourself into therapy to figure out why you would stay 26 years in an abusive relationship instead of "taking care of yourself," loving yourself enough to stop allowing people to abuse you, to get the strength and love of self to exit stage left when you're not being shown that you're valued? You must have been getting some sort of gratification to stick in or keep going back to abuse. That's a good reason to talk it out with someone that can help you to take care of yourself without the need to be narcissistic, self centered or selfish about it.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                              Comment

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