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  • Stopping my impending divorce

    Without getting too lengthy on the subject, I'm hoping to get some input about how to save my marriage

    Wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for 8. No children. We had an absolutely wonderful marriage for the entire time.

    I always wanted children and she didn't. I asked if she wanted to adopt and she said no. To decide what I really wanted, I separated from her and moved out. That was 6 months ago. During that time, I thought about what I really wanted and I decided that I cared more about having my wife than having kids.

    2 months ago, I asked to come back and I think I came on too strong. I know that this scared her. I finally had to move back in because of my housing situation.

    We started to go on dates and things were definitely getting better. We were laughing and smiling and touching. I even kissed her once. I moved back into the spare bedroom and we would sometimes fall asleep on our couch together.

    This went on for several weeks and, although we were getting closer, she would never initiate any kind of physical contact. This was absolutely KILLING ME. Ironically, she mentioned that she actually did want kids and that our conversation about adoption was miscommunicated. She didnít actually have any problem with adoption.

    Last weekend, I sort of snapped and asked her how she can be so cavalier about this. How can she deny me affection so easily? Her response was that "I have been trying so hard, but I just don't have those feelings for you anymore...I have been trying to get them back, but I can't. There is too much resentment. I think I'm done. I don't love you anymore. We need to get a divorce. I know this makes no sense because of what a beautiful life we have built together, but my heart can't do this. I am dying." She said all of those things, but not exactly like that.

    I did all those things that you shouldn't do. I begged and pleaded. Said that I would do anything. Called the pastor over to the house to talk to us (yes, I was so stupid that I actually did that!)....I have no excuse except that I was highly emotional that day because it was my Dad's birthday. He passed away a few years ago and we were very close.

    She then said that she didn't feel comfortable staying at the house with me anymore and she moved in with her brother (who is very supportive of us being together). Before she left, she did agree to family counseling.

    I have learned a lot in these last few days. The first thing that I learned was WHAT NOT TO DO in that situation which was everything that I did. Begging and pleading and guilting and all that. It was just stupid and near-sighted.

    I now have to decide how to proceed. She wants me to come up with a list of counselors, so that might mean she is not done.

    I mentioned that things had been doing well recently and I asked if we could "reset the day" considering my emotional state with my Dad's birthday.

    Her message was:

    "We've put a lot of hard work in recently. I've been glad to see that this has allowed us to be more open with each other. I know thinking about your dad yesterday was tough for a lot of reasons. I'm sorry you have to experience that sort of pain. I think our next step of talking with the counselor will continue to bring more clarity to our situation."

    That was Saturday. I didn't respond and we've really just chit-chatting by text since then.

    So now what?

    IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

    - Should I reach out to her or wait for her to reach out to me? Should I ask her out to dinner and just be cool?

    - Should I take the pictures down at the house and try to move on?

    - I am working on myself and all that. I am working out and have a great job. But I'm just thinking about what else I can and should do. Take some kind of music lessons? She is a pianist and I've never tried to play an instrument before. It actually does interest me.

    - Anything else that I should be doing or thinking about?
    Last edited by pigsfly; January 9th, 2018, 04:03 PM.

  • #2
    She said she was willing to go to counselling with you so fine one and book your first session. (although I'm not sure how good it will do you when she's claiming to no longer have romantic feelings for you.)

    I think that within a couple of sessions you'll be more clear on whether or not you should take the pictures down or not.

    Good luck,.. hope it works out for you.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      Oh, Pigsfly, I can feel the desperation in your words.

      Coming from a female perspective, and a woman who has spoken those exact words to her 'ex' husband, my advice to you would be to sit back, and follow her lead.
      The last thing you want to do now, is offer her any more of what she's already tired of.

      I can assure you that you going 'quiet' is not going to make her think you care any less or that you've given up.
      It's going to show her that you are willing to do whatever is necessary for HER to work on coming back.

      This is out of your hands, friend, and my gut tells me that she is only going to counseling so that she can say in the end, that she did all she could to save the marriage (again, speaking from 1st hand experience)
      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by pistol View Post
        Oh, Pigsfly, I can feel the desperation in your words.

        Coming from a female perspective, and a woman who has spoken those exact words to her 'ex' husband, my advice to you would be to sit back, and follow her lead.
        The last thing you want to do now, is offer her any more of what she's already tired of.

        I can assure you that you going 'quiet' is not going to make her think you care any less or that you've given up.
        It's going to show her that you are willing to do whatever is necessary for HER to work on coming back.

        This is out of your hands, friend, and my gut tells me that she is only going to counseling so that she can say in the end, that she did all she could to save the marriage (again, speaking from 1st hand experience)
        Thank you so much. Yes - that is what I'm bracing myself for. I am a successful man and a good catch. I will find someone else, but I do love her and I'm not ready to walk away.

        She recommended that we each come up with the names of some counselors. If I let her pick the counselors on her own and give them to me on her own timeline (by the way - she is the one that keeps bringing up the counselors - she did so during our last few texts), and I pick one of the ones that she comes up with, would that help gain more buy-in from her? Wouldn't she be more motivated to work with a counselor that she chose?

        At the risk of sounding stupid, when you say: "offer her any more of what she's already tired of," what exactly are you referring to? Just communication in general or something else?

        What do you think about taking the pictures down? What if I stop wearing my ring? I am doing these things partly for myself in order to try and detach, but maybe also to show her that I can and will move on. Not sure if that's a good thing to convey or not, but I am not a whipped puppy dog and I don't want to come off that way.

        Comment


        • #5
          Your endeavor is to show her how much you want to save this marriage (without coming across desperate, pathetic or needy - honestly, don't take offence to those adjectives, please. it's just that when a woman gets to this point, even a whiff of that kind of response will plummet her further) and not that you're trying to play a tough, unfeeling, resolved married man who has taken his ring off and taken down the pictures in an attempt to come across as uncaring and 'put out' or beaten.

          I would be inclined to say that if you chose a counselor that she preferred, it could go one of two ways. It could be, as you suggest, a brownie point for you, or, if this counselor is one more commonly known for helping a couple transition from being married to separating (as in, she sides with the woman) it could do more harm than good. Why not suggest or see someone that neither of you is leaning towards ? Besides, what does she know about these professionals that pits one against the other anyway ? Most people wouldn't know where or who to go to, but your wife has some 'favourites' ?....hmmmmmm

          'Offering her any more of what she's already tired of" = no begging or pleading, don't say you'll do anything, and for God sakes, DON'T guilt her.

          No one sets out 15 years ago, to fall out of being in love with the partner they chose to marry.
          It just.....happens. Sometimes there are triggers along the way that never get brought up. Sometimes it's a personality trait that you thought you could accept, but it turns out you can't. And sometimes, 2 people just don't work hard enough to make sure this doesn't happen to them.

          For whatever reason, she is where she is, and your "beautiful life" is not enough to keep her there.
          LOVE isn't enough to keep a woman or man in a relationship either. Along with being IN love with your partner, there MUST be passion, excitement (however small) adoration and even a small amount of lust, to keep a marriage alive and thrilling, otherwise, it just exists and is boring and mundane and 'there'.

          Nobody wants that.

          You both deserve to be ridiculously happy, and sometimes, letting someone 'walk away' is the first step in being so.

          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by pistol View Post
            Your endeavor is to show her how much you want to save this marriage (without coming across desperate, pathetic or needy - honestly, don't take offence to those adjectives, please. it's just that when a woman gets to this point, even a whiff of that kind of response will plummet her further) and not that you're trying to play a tough, unfeeling, resolved married man who has taken his ring off and taken down the pictures in an attempt to come across as uncaring and 'put out' or beaten.

            I would be inclined to say that if you chose a counselor that she preferred, it could go one of two ways. It could be, as you suggest, a brownie point for you, or, if this counselor is one more commonly known for helping a couple transition from being married to separating (as in, she sides with the woman) it could do more harm than good. Why not suggest or see someone that neither of you is leaning towards ? Besides, what does she know about these professionals that pits one against the other anyway ? Most people wouldn't know where or who to go to, but your wife has some 'favourites' ?....hmmmmmm

            'Offering her any more of what she's already tired of" = no begging or pleading, don't say you'll do anything, and for God sakes, DON'T guilt her.

            No one sets out 15 years ago, to fall out of being in love with the partner they chose to marry.
            It just.....happens. Sometimes there are triggers along the way that never get brought up. Sometimes it's a personality trait that you thought you could accept, but it turns out you can't. And sometimes, 2 people just don't work hard enough to make sure this doesn't happen to them.

            For whatever reason, she is where she is, and your "beautiful life" is not enough to keep her there.
            LOVE isn't enough to keep a woman or man in a relationship either. Along with being IN love with your partner, there MUST be passion, excitement (however small) adoration and even a small amount of lust, to keep a marriage alive and thrilling, otherwise, it just exists and is boring and mundane and 'there'.

            Nobody wants that.

            You both deserve to be ridiculously happy, and sometimes, letting someone 'walk away' is the first step in being so.
            Pistol: Thank you so much

            I guess my biggest question at this point is whether I should contact her at all or just wait for her to contact me (knowing that it may be in the form of divorce papers)?

            She did ask me to come up with my list of counselors and I do have some. She texted me hers yesterday, but I'm debating whether to send mine off to her or not.

            Comment


            • #7
              Follow her lead.
              Send her your list and see where it goes from there.
              Make the text light, casual and topic specific.

              Let us know how it goes !
              The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by pigsfly View Post
                ....We had an absolutely wonderful marriage for the entire time.

                I always wanted children and she didn't. I asked if she wanted to adopt and she said no. To decide what I really wanted, I separated from her and moved out. That was 6 months ago. .....
                If it's true that you had a wonderful marriage the entire time and then you SEPARATED and MOVED OUT to "decide what I really wanted" what was she supposed to think and believe about your feelings and commitment to her.

                That is not your typical move to "decide what you want" but it is a typical manipulative move designed to coerce someone into giving you what you want. At least, that's how it comes across here. A loving honest effort to resolve your differences over a major issue like children is to find a neutral mediator like a therapist, pastor, or trusted third party. It certainly is NOT a "either you give me children or I'm gone" which is how the scenario reads.

                The first thing you need to do is start being honest because she couldn't possibly trust you now.

                You stood at the alter and promised to dedicate your life to her. She, presumably, believed that you were committed to her well-being for the long haul. She felt safe, secure, and protected by you. That results in warm fuzzy trusting feelings that typically flow into affection--emotional and physical. Then, 7+ years into an "absolutely wonderful marriage" you pull the rug out from under her and move out. You've rocked her world, undermined her faith in you, and her trust in your word. Why in the world would she be willing to be vulnerable (intimate) with a guy who would do that to her?

                Originally posted by pigsfly View Post
                ...."We've put a lot of hard work in recently. I've been glad to see that this has allowed us to be more open with each other. ...... I think our next step of talking with the counselor will continue to bring more clarity to our situation.".....
                I think she is looking to really understand where you are at and whether she can ever trust you again.

                So whatever counselor you go to, you need to understand this situation from her perspective.

                Good luck


                Last edited by Pollon; January 12th, 2018, 12:07 AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Pollon View Post

                  If it's true that you had a wonderful marriage the entire time and then you SEPARATED and MOVED OUT to "decide what I really wanted" what was she supposed to think and believe about your feelings and commitment to her.

                  That is not your typical move to "decide what you want" but it is a typical manipulative move designed to coerce someone into giving you what you want. At least, that's how it comes across here. A loving honest effort to resolve your differences over a major issue like children is to find a neutral mediator like a therapist, pastor, or trusted third party. It certainly is NOT a "either you give me children or I'm gone" which is how the scenario reads.

                  The first thing you need to do is start being honest because she couldn't possibly trust you now.

                  You stood at the alter and promised to dedicate your life to her. She, presumably, believed that you were committed to her well-being for the long haul. She felt safe, secure, and protected by you. That results in warm fuzzy trusting feelings that typically flow into affection--emotional and physical. Then, 7+ years into an "absolutely wonderful marriage" you pull the rug out from under her and move out. You've rocked her world, undermined her faith in you, and her trust in your word. Why in the world would she be willing to be vulnerable (intimate) with a guy who would do that to her?



                  I think she is looking to really understand where you are at and whether she can ever trust you again.

                  So whatever counselor you go to, you need to understand this situation from her perspective.

                  Good luck

                  Absolutely guilty on all accounts. I can't blame her for her feelings in the least. I deserve this. I also recognize that I can't change HER mind, but I would like to do everything I can to give us the best possible chance at reconciliation.

                  Final question for both you and pistol (BTW, thanks so much to the both of you):

                  She has been somewhat sparse in her communication aside from texts mentioning general logistics of our home and counseling appointments. Is there anything I should do or say at this point? So far, it's just been radio silence. I've been trying to give her her space. I don't want to come off as cold, but I don't want to be overbearing either. Just not sure how to strike that balance.

                  Should I just COMPLETELY wait for her to make her decisions and contact me as she sees fit? Again, I don't want to come off as uncaring or cold, but again, I don't want to do the opposite and come off as needy.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by pistol View Post
                    Coming from a female perspective, and a woman who has spoken those exact words to her 'ex' husband, my advice to you would be to sit back, and follow her lead.
                    The last thing you want to do now, is offer her any more of what she's already tired of.

                    I can assure you that you going 'quiet' is not going to make her think you care any less or that you've given up.
                    It's going to show her that you are willing to do whatever is necessary for HER to work on coming back.
                    If you've sent your list, you've done all you need to do.....be patient
                    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by pistol View Post

                      If you've sent your list, you've done all you need to do.....be patient
                      I did send it and she followed up with saying she contacted the lady

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        She sent me some suggested dates, but it got me thinking. Do you honestly think this kind of counseling will help? Have you heard of successes (reconciliation) in my situation?

                        Thanks again, guys.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I have always been self conscious about relationships, my life was shattered ever since Ryan left me for another woman due to unknown reasons. i swore to never love a man again. mum always advised me to move on, but i love Ryan . Ryan meant everything to me . i looked for means to bring him back and he never came back to me, i was asked to try a psychic /spell caster online. i tried a few but all proved abortive until i met Dr Ogudu. he is such a nice man , and he helped me bring back Ryan in 4 days .Ryan came back begging me to forgive him. Right now, we are both together growing stronger and stronger each day. you can contact Dr Ogudu on "DROGUDUTEMPLE @ AOL. COM". Thank me later

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by debra56 View Post
                            I have always been self conscious about relationships, my life was shattered ever since Ryan left me for another woman due to unknown reasons. i swore to never love a man again. mum always advised me to move on, but i love Ryan . Ryan meant everything to me . i looked for means to bring him back and he never came back to me, i was asked to try a psychic /spell caster online. i tried a few but all proved abortive until i met Dr Ogudu. he is such a nice man , and he helped me bring back Ryan in 4 days .Ryan came back begging me to forgive him. Right now, we are both together growing stronger and stronger each day. you can contact Dr Ogudu on "DROGUDUTEMPLE @ AOL. COM". Thank me later
                            How impressive can he be if he still has an AOL account??

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by pigsfly View Post
                              ....She sent me some suggested dates, but it got me thinking. Do you honestly think this kind of counseling will help? Have you heard of successes (reconciliation) in my situation?......
                              Are you trying to weasel out of counseling? Of course counseling can help. If you marriage was so wonderful before, then this can be overcome. What are you afraid of?

                              Comment

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