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  • I want a divorce

    Hello,
    im new here and need help. I want to leave my husband of 10 years and I donít have the courage to do it . I am very unhappy and depressed and feel trapped. Hes not a terrible person heís just emotionally distant. Heís always been that way, and has gotten worse over the years. We are still young in our early 30s and our sex life is and has always been terrible. We have sex maybe once a month if that. He never showed me attention sexually and my self esteem has dwindled to nothing. I have tried talking to him about this several times over the years and he says he will work on it but nothing happens. Heís very inconsiderate and only thinks of himself. I have done most of the cooking and cleaning and always make sure he has a meal. But when heís home before me and makes dinner he will only make it for himself. It doesnít even occur to him that I need to eat too. He will be nice to me one day and snap at me and be cold and neglectful the next day. He doesnít realize heís doing it and when I try to talk to him he just says sorry and shuts down and doesnít want to talk about it. We never fight because he refuses to do all of our problems over the years have been swept under the rug and as a result I am resentful and extremely depressed. He just says Iím unhappy and negative and blames it all on me. He says heís been trying because he gives me a hug every day. A hug!! Like a buddy hug. There is no intimacy or affection. He has made a bit of an effort recently but I am too far gone and resentful. I have given up and want our. I spoke with a. Therapist and she insisted he is emotionally abusive and knows exactly what heís doing but Iím not sure he does. I donít want to hurt him but I am a shell of a person and need out! How do I tell him this without hurting him??? I should add that I have considered the possibility of him being gay as he has never been very sexual with me and doesnít really check out other girls but he gets obsessed with his guy friends. Iím so confused I donít know what to do anymore. We have no childrenís thankfully. He isynfriend and we talk about our everyday thjngs and spend time together but it seems like we are roommates. I feel so selfish but I used to be such a happy person and now I have lost myself. My parents agree he doesnít treat me well and are supportive of me leaving.
    Last edited by Nobodyhere; January 2nd, 2018, 09:29 PM.

  • #2
    So why don't you just tell him you're leaving?

    What do you have to do to leave? Are you financially dependent on him? No kids, parental support I am pretty sure you could disengage and move on fairly easily. You don't appear to have anything holding you down from living a life you really want and deserve. With his volatile emotions are you walking on eggshells most of the time?

    From your missive unless there's more to the story than what you have spelled out doesn't seem to me like you have a lot of ties to him maternally, emotionally, financially or any lly. What's preventing you from just saying I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and cut the tie?

    What hold you there in such a decrepit situation?

    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Nobodyhere View Post
      Hello,
      im new here and need help. I want to leave my husband of 10 years and I donít have the courage to do it . I am very unhappy and depressed and feel trapped. Hes not a terrible person heís just emotionally distant. Heís always been that way, and has gotten worse over the years. We are still young in our early 30s and our sex life is and has always been terrible. We have sex maybe once a month if that. He never showed me attention sexually and my self esteem has dwindled to nothing. I have tried talking to him about this several times over the years and he says he will work on it but nothing happens. Heís very inconsiderate and only thinks of himself. I have done most of the cooking and cleaning and always make sure he has a meal. But when heís home before me and makes dinner he will only make it for himself. It doesnít even occur to him that I need to eat too. He will be nice to me one day and snap at me and be cold and neglectful the next day. He doesnít realize heís doing it and when I try to talk to him he just says sorry and shuts down and doesnít want to talk about it. We never fight because he refuses to do all of our problems over the years have been swept under the rug and as a result I am resentful and extremely depressed. He just says Iím unhappy and negative and blames it all on me. He says heís been trying because he gives me a hug every day. A hug!! Like a buddy hug. There is no intimacy or affection. He has made a bit of an effort recently but I am too far gone and resentful. I have given up and want our. I spoke with a. Therapist and she insisted he is emotionally abusive and knows exactly what heís doing but Iím not sure he does. I donít want to hurt him but I am a shell of a person and need out! How do I tell him this without hurting him??? I should add that I have considered the possibility of him being gay as he has never been very sexual with me and doesnít really check out other girls but he gets obsessed with his guy friends. Iím so confused I donít know what to do anymore. We have no childrenís thankfully. He isynfriend and we talk about our everyday thjngs and spend time together but it seems like we are roommates. I feel so selfish but I used to be such a happy person and now I have lost myself. My parents agree he doesnít treat me well and are supportive of me leaving.
      I would recommend going to couple's therapy. Even if the end is inevitable. Usually they will ask you to privately identify all the marital issues and you can bring up your fear/concern that he is gay.

      How has your relationship gone? How did you meet and how did you get married? Was there a reason you married someone when you didn't have sexual compatibility?

      Comment


      • #4
        I would say couple therapy. You married him for a reason and stayed with him for 10 years.

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        • #5
          He's not being 'emotionally abusive.' I hate the way that term is thrown around. He's being what he is, detached and non-communicative.

          You can try couples therapy as others have suggested. But if he won't go or nothing improves you need to do what's best for you. Of course when people divorce there is hurt and pain. There is no getting around that. But he will survive.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

          Comment


          • #6
            Was he always like that or did this happen gradually?
            You can go for some professional help but that only goes so far. In the end you get what you put in even in couples therapy. The big premise is that having a third party levels the playing field and is supposed to neutralize territories (taboo things that either weren't able to talk about while feeling safe). Some people though just don't get that concept and aren't able to talk anyway.

            He's shut you out multiple times. I'd be a realist just as you are and be prepared to end it. Remember, you both should be pulling your weight equally and just because you've been together for 10 years doesn't mean you have to live another 1 hour in a dark place. You have every right to grow and evolve and be happy. I would worry less about what his feelings are and more about clarifying your thoughts and desires for how you want to live your life.

            Comment


            • #7
              It's possible that he might have mild to moderate autism or could be bi-polar where the way you describe him with mood swings. People with autism in relationships can come off as inconsiderate or even emotionally abusive when they don't realize it or not trying to be. As far as him obsessing with other guys and not checking out other girls, he may just be doing that out of respect for you and doesn't want you to get jealous or think he is cheating.

              Comment


              • #8
                Wow, this is sadly reminiscent of my own life over 17 years ago. Whatís even MORE sad, is that I only left him 12 years ago.
                It took me 5 years to muster up the courage and the fool proof plan to leave. We do have children together, but I assure you, I never once used Ďthe kidsí as a reason to stay. In my case I was indeed financially reliant on him, as I became a stay at home mom after my second child was born.

                All of this aside, believe me when I tell you, I GET what it feels like to be done, and understand 100% what it means to become too far gone and a shell of what you used to be.

                Right down to the shitty sex life - Ė itís a wonder I became pregnant twice with my 5 minute man !

                IMO, itís too late for therapy. When you fall from being IN love with your husband, to being buddies that share nothing but the events of the day, no amount of Ďtherapyí is going to bring back the reasons and feelings you had when you married him 10 years ago.

                My advice would be to get working on an exit plan. If it isnít vital for you to know, then I would just brush the suspicion of his sexual orientation 'Ďunder the rug'í, and be done with things.

                It doesnít need to be ugly. Whatís happened, not unlike in my own situation, is unfortunate, thatís all. If you DO leave though, never forget how you got to where you are, so it doesnít happen to you again in the futureÖ.and remember, only YOU can make YOU happy, thatís not up to anyone else.
                Last edited by pistol; January 4th, 2018, 10:52 AM.
                The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by pistol View Post
                  IMO, it's too late for therapy. When you fall from being IN love with your husband, to being buddies that share nothing but the events of the day, no amount of 'therapy' is going to bring back the reasons and feelings you had when you married him 10 years ago.
                  I agree. Sounds like this relationship is very much done.



                  Originally posted by Nobodyhere View Post
                  I don't want to hurt him but I am a shell of a person and need out!
                  Divorce involves hurt. It just does. You don't want to hurt him but do you want to be here in another 5 years? You need to do what's best for you in a situation like this. Besides, he may actually be relieved considering he sounds as checked out of this relationship as you do.


                  I suggest you answer foh4k's questions about why you would continue to stay, as an exercise to prove to yourself that you need to leave.


                  Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by foh4k View Post
                    So why don't you just tell him you're leaving?

                    What do you have to do to leave? Are you financially dependent on him? No kids, parental support I am pretty sure you could disengage and move on fairly easily. You don't appear to have anything holding you down from living a life you really want and deserve. With his volatile emotions are you walking on eggshells most of the time?

                    From your missive unless there's more to the story than what you have spelled out doesn't seem to me like you have a lot of ties to him maternally, emotionally, financially or any lly. What's preventing you from just saying I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and cut the tie?

                    What hold you there in such a decrepit situation?
                    Thanks for your answer. I am not financially dependent on him. It would be a little tight, but we can both afford to be on our own. Im not sure if Im walking on eggshells. I just know there is nothing i can do about it. If hes happy, then everything is great. If hes not, he just does his things and if I try to address it, he just says "sorry" and thats where it ends. I used to be so happy that we never fight, now I wish we did. It would mean theres some passion or an ability to really let out our emotions. He would rather pretend its not there.
                    I guess what is keeping me from leaving is fear of the unknown, fear of regret... maybe i am just depressed and will never be happy with anyone? I also dont feel like i have the courage to hurt him. But its getting to the point where I am getting physically and emotionallly sick and I know I dont have a choice anymore.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Radiohead1 View Post

                      I would recommend going to couple's therapy. Even if the end is inevitable. Usually they will ask you to privately identify all the marital issues and you can bring up your fear/concern that he is gay.

                      How has your relationship gone? How did you meet and how did you get married? Was there a reason you married someone when you didn't have sexual compatibility?

                      We chose to not have sex until we were married, so I didnt realize there was no sexual compatibility. Within months of our marriage, I brought up sex as it was an issue. I would put on sexy lingerie and try to initite and he would look at me and smile and just keep watching tv or do whatver he was doing. It doesnt seem like he has a sexual attraction to me, although he has denied it. I asked him multiple times if hes attracted to me and he said yes. He said he doesnt feel like hes any good at sex?? he only told me this several months ago. So for 10 years, he has never communicated thiis and would rther just pretend its not a problem. He has always said he will work on it, but it just progressively got worse.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You are still young enough that you can find the happiness that you want for yourself. Taking the first step is the hardest. In my case since I used an attorney, I gave her my retainer fee and it was full speed ahead from that point. Might I add we were sperated for four years. So I had plenty of time to see it was the right thing to do. I was so much more happy after moving out at the age of 52 and regretted not doing it sooner for then I would have been younger with more possibilties of men to date.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by pistol View Post
                          Wow, this is sadly reminiscent of my own life over 17 years ago. Whatís even MORE sad, is that I only left him 12 years ago.
                          It took me 5 years to muster up the courage and the fool proof plan to leave. We do have children together, but I assure you, I never once used Ďthe kidsí as a reason to stay. In my case I was indeed financially reliant on him, as I became a stay at home mom after my second child was born.

                          All of this aside, believe me when I tell you, I GET what it feels like to be done, and understand 100% what it means to become too far gone and a shell of what you used to be.

                          Right down to the shitty sex life - Ė itís a wonder I became pregnant twice with my 5 minute man !

                          IMO, itís too late for therapy. When you fall from being IN love with your husband, to being buddies that share nothing but the events of the day, no amount of Ďtherapyí is going to bring back the reasons and feelings you had when you married him 10 years ago.

                          My advice would be to get working on an exit plan. If it isnít vital for you to know, then I would just brush the suspicion of his sexual orientation 'Ďunder the rug'í, and be done with things.

                          It doesnít need to be ugly. Whatís happened, not unlike in my own situation, is unfortunate, thatís all. If you DO leave though, never forget how you got to where you are, so it doesnít happen to you again in the futureÖ.and remember, only YOU can make YOU happy, thatís not up to anyone else.
                          What finally gave you the courage to do it?? There is nothing more painful than being in limbo. I keep waiting for something big to happen, something where I can just say okay im done! but that moement never comes, and I drag on day by day. I will add that as far as 6 years ago, I was already praying he would cheat on me so that I could be free to go. I didnt realize it, but I was already checked out a long time ago.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post

                            I agree. Sounds like this relationship is very much done.





                            Divorce involves hurt. It just does. You don't want to hurt him but do you want to be here in another 5 years? You need to do what's best for you in a situation like this. Besides, he may actually be relieved considering he sounds as checked out of this relationship as you do.
                            The last time I attempted to talk to him about our problems, after prodding and begging to talk he finally admitted that he is unhappy but he said itís because Iím depressed. We both agreed we have had several difficult years. We barely saw each other some weeks due to work and different schedules, but now that we see each other everything should be fine and as he put it ďit could be worseĒ but then he broke down and cried and said he is afraid I am going to leave him. I have seen this man cry a handful of times so this was very strange and i felt so awful. This was several months ago and we have not brought up the topic since.he went to sleep and the next day, it was as if nothing ever happened. I truly believe we are both unhappy and would be better off separate but I donít think he sees that as an option. Due to our religious views, he doesnít consider divorce an option. I just want to talk to him and make him realize we would be happier if we went our separate ways. I just donít know how to make him see this

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                            • #15
                              File papers. He will see then. Think of yourself and your happiness.

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