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Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back together...if she even wants me back

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  • Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back together...if she even wants me back

    My fiancée (24) and I (29) recently went through a pretty nasty breakup back in late November. We are engaged and have been together for four years. We had a really fantastic relationship for the longest time but within the last month (so beginning in October), it was almost like a switch had been flipped within her. Suddenly this girl who shared everything with me and who always had the warmest smile turned cold, distant, bitter and very depressed. She became highly critical of nearly everything that I did and each night our conversations would spiral into an argument and then she would either shut herself in our room or storm off and leave. It should be stated that we recently moved to a larger city (she has always lived in a small town and has severe anxiety), she just got her first real salaried job that is very high stress and demanding, her place of work is very dysfunctional, her relationship with her immediate family is not great currently, and she is taking college courses.

    The breakup itself was just as nasty as the month that led up to it. I admittedly did not handle it well. I did the whole begging thing that is very unattractive and unbecoming of a partner. One of my first nights away from her I sent some pretty rude messages, too. It was not my best moment, for sure. My name came off of our apartment lease, I moved 75% of my stuff out of our place, we split our funds, I said goodbye to our cat and found a place of my own. For a couple of weeks, we contacted each other minimally. But then she started sending me texts. The texts were nothing profound or anything: she asked if I made it to work safely when our state got hit with heavy snow, she sent me a link to a discounted subscription to a magazine she knew I liked, she asked if I was okay after a pipe bomb went off in NYC as she knew that I was there at the time, etc. Little things, nothing big.

    She knows where I stand on wanting to get back together. She knows that this has crushed me. I absolutely love this girl. She is my world. I have tried to sort through all of my emotions and I have tried to look at our relationship objectively. I have been going to counseling, I've tried to occupy my time in healthy ways, I have surrounded myself with a great support system of friends and family, etc. I just cannot get over how the greatest and most fulfilling relationship of my life came to what I think of as an abrupt end. I have my flaws but they're very fixable. Did she leave me for someone else? Is she having a life crisis of sorts? Perhaps she has just lost all attraction for me? I have been so confused by this whole thing. All I know is that she has not been sharing any information with any of our mutual friends or with her parents. She has also seemingly not been going out. I do not know who her support system is or how she is occupying her time.

    I was initially going to go no-contact but I couldn't. Perhaps breaking NC was a bad decision but it does not sit right with me to simply cut off all contact with someone so important to me when I feel that there is something that needs to be said. I would not apply that logic to any other relationship so why should it be applied here, I reasoned. I did give her space and I am still continuing to do so. But two weeks ago, I asked her out to coffee. We met up at a place that I took her for her birthday in September (her choice) and we talked for two hours and even went by a store afterwards to do some holiday shopping. Our conversation started off light with us just catching up, it turned to us joking a bit and then came the dreaded, "We need to talk" from her. My heart sank. She told me that she had been unhappy, that I had said hurtful things to her as our relationship started to unravel, and that she knows that I want to reconcile things. She then started to cry in the restaurant and said that she would be open to a reconciliation but that she needed more time.

    I did not know what to expect that morning but I was blown away by her stating that she would be open to reconciling after more time as this is not something she has expressed interest in since we broke up. So I decided to write her a letter. It essentially stated my continued feelings for her, that any issues that we have are things that I am committed to fixing, that I am interested in reconciling, but that if she is not, all she needs to do is just tell me and I will let go so I can adjust to the new reality of a life without her and begin the healing process. I said that if she was still open to reconciling, that I would love to take her out to lunch or dinner--that there was no rush in getting back to me. Days later, she messaged me stating that she would be open to dinner some time after Christmas.

    The week of Christmas, she got the flu and missed a few days of work so I have not seen her. She sent me a message telling my Happy New Year's at midnight on the first. I was not going to but I wished her the same back and then asked about the date. She said that she would check her schedule when she is back at work and get back to me.

    So... this is where I am currently. The only person I have ever proposed to, someone that I have given four years to, broke up with me over a month ago but now is open to maybe reconciling with me and getting back together. She is either open to reconciling, she is very cruel or she is very confused -- or she is all of the above, maybe. I have honestly never been so devastated, hurt and confused about anything in my life. I know breakups rarely provide happiness and clarity on matters but this one really takes the cake for me, personally. I want to get back with her but perhaps that is also emotions toying with me. Who knows? It takes two to make a relationship work and perhaps only time will tell what she actually wants.
    Last edited by MilesTruelove; January 2nd, 2018, 01:07 PM.

  • #2
    Perhaps the combination of moving to a big city and getting a stressful job was too much for her to handle. Throw into the mix a boyfriend who is probably high maintenance (you) and you get a meltdown. I would definitely give her the time that she has asked for. One of two things will probably happen. 1: She will miss seeing you and want you back. 2: She will enjoy her new freedom and not want you back.

    Contacting her when she has asked for space will not make #1 happen faster. It will probably make #2 happen faster.

    If she gets back with you on a date for dinner, take that as a good sign. However, if she continues to make excuses or put you off, then you need to come to grips with the fact that it's over.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      I still don't know why she ended the relationship. What are your "fixable" problems that SHE mentioned?


      • #4
        If there is one thing I have learned from my breakup it's that when a couple keeps argueing their emotions are completely wacked up. What was once happy fun times with complete trust has turned into the blame game of lies and who was right or wrong. The truth is you need to make her think happy thoughts of you at all times just like she used to. Give her the space she needs but the times you do speak be optimistic about everything. Act like you're on top of the world and she's missing out. Don't bring up the past unless absolutely necessary. It almost always leads to more argueing and "I don't know/I need more time". After a few great conversations she will miss you and show more attention. Gradually ask her to do more and more things with you and finally, when the moment is right, say you believe you two should try again. Pour your heart out by saying how beautiful she is and describe the future you want with her. Don't get emotional though because crying/begging could easily undo everything and make her remember all the negative arguements instead of being optimistic and happy about you. If she still says she needs more time then pretend like you're 100% okay with it and smile. Don't let her think you're upset. It just means you tried too soon. Give it a few more weeks to make her miss you more. But remember to stay happy! She'll like this about you.

        But of course, there is always the chance she truly has lost feelings and has no desire to get back together. If this is true then you will have to accept it. Relationships are 50/50 so whatever you do don't make this 90/10 with you doing all the work or you will be extremely disappointed. I realized too late I was putting in all the effort to get back together with my ex while she was practically putting in zero effort other than stringing me along for almost 2 months. I know what worked and what didn't so please take my advice. I don't get a second chance but you still can if you do this carefully.


        • #5
          You sound like a very masterful liar and fabricator. Take this in the most fond way possible because I'm not saying it to spite you. I'm saying this because I'm reading a person who has analyzed a situation solely from your point of view and you have not even, by a hair's breadth, turned the other way to acknowledge her issues in the relationship. Not once in your entire write up even after all your counselling did you expose your own flaws and after several weeks you seem still in denial that the relationship was a culmination of many things gone wrong. She explicitly told you that some of your behaviour is hurtful especially some things you have said. What finally did me in was in your last paragraph when you said that she messaged you a happy new year and you were going to actually ignore her or wanted to ignore her. There is so much spite in your heart and selfishness, I don't know if this is going to work at all. You asked her to coffee and to talk and now you're wobbling and thinking of ignoring her messages. If that isn't stupid, I don't know what is. I am glad you messaged her back and came to your senses. Stop thinking about your ego and be genuine.

          If she wants to work things out with you don't be so impatient and controlling. Let her come to you in her own time.
          Last edited by Rose Mosse; January 3rd, 2018, 06:55 PM.