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I feel betrayed & heartbroken, in need of some external perspective.

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  • I feel betrayed & heartbroken, in need of some external perspective.

    My gf and I have been together for a little over 4 years (both in our mid-twenties) we’ve had our share of arguments and bumps but I feel like this time its gone too far and I'm in need some external perspective.

    Neither of us think we are as happy as we used to be in our first years together. I feel like at times she is cold to me & has no patience/easily gets frustrated with me. We’ve had multiple talks about this, she is quite insecure and wants me to reassure her about us (while I’m not one to talk much about my feelings I try my best to show her how I much love her). She told me she feels like she is not good enough for me & that I treat her more like a companion than a girlfriend. I’m her first “real bf” and was also her first time - we’ve had chats on this as well, she is jealous (not of the girls) but because I’ve had other gf’s while she didn’t get to experience being with someone other than me.

    A lot of her unhappiness (which she admittedly said she takes out on me sometimes) comes from the fact that she relocated here with her parents and has had a rough time adjusting/making friends (which is very important to her).

    A couple of months ago after we had an argument, she went out with some friends & got drunk and started texting her best friend (f) to which she tends to tell everything... I eventually found out she was complaining about me and that she was thinking (sexually/relationship wise) of this guy (lets call him ALEX) she had a crush on before she met me (she was friends with him & had feelings for him before meeting me but explained that it all went away once she met me and that she hadn’t talked to Alex in 3 years). Anyhow, I confronted her – she apologised etc.

    Another layer of context here, she had done similar things in the past such as… texting with a guy she met while on holiday (while gone to visit her best friend (f) through which we also met) this kept going on for a month or so before I caught a glimpse of it and confronted her about it. It turned out they were borderline flirting (he defiantly was) she promised to stop talking to him……. Another time (on holiday in her home country) she started hanging out with this guy she met at a party, going out together to the cinema etc (he even paid for her which rly made it seem like they were going out on dates)..and again I confronted her and she swore it was nothing like that & apologised if it had upset me.

    The most recent issue…We both went back to our countries of origin for Christmas with the plan of coming back for new years and spending it together with friends. During these holidays she was cold & barely talked/texted me so I asked if there was something wrong and she said she wanted to talk about it in person.

    She came to pick me up from the airport and started crying after giving me a Christmas present. While on the drive back she refused to talk about why she was upset. The following day I finally got her to open up and she told me she decided that she wanted to move back to her country in the next 6 months or so (I was as supportive as I could as I know how unhappy living here makes her feel and tried reassuring her that everything would be ok).

    Fast-forward to new year’s day her alarm started going off… so I got up, opened up her phone to turn it off and noticed she had been messaging ALEX (that same guy we had an argument about a couple of months ago). At first I was confused & not quite grasping the situation… I saw ‘love you’/’can’t wait to be in the same country as you’/hearts/kisses (emojis) between them but it was difficult to tell if it was genuine because I know she tends to message most of her friends like this. So I figured if anything was going on she would have told her best friend…and… I know I shouldn’t have/its private but I looked at the messages between her and her best friend.

    Not only had she been sneaking around to the bathroom etc to message him this new years eve while with me, but it turns out that she also met up with him a couple of times while on this holiday.

    So when she had come to pick me up from the airport (she told her friend) she actually started crying because she was seeing me laugh / I was being nice to her & she felt guilty. We had sex that night and turns out she only wanted to do positions where she didn’t see my face me as she couldn’t deal with the guilt. She had also told her friend she felt bad because at some point she was underwear shopping and thought “would ALEX like this” instead of thinking of me. Anyway…a few bits and bobs like this, nothing that made it 100% clear that anything (physical) happened between them while she was there.

    I confronted her shortly after and asked for an explanation. She said nothing happened between them. That she felt guilty and it wasn’t her intention to hurt me. She could see what she was doing was wrong, felt guilty about it but couldn’t stop herself from doing so – she described it as the “grass being greener on the other side”. I asked her if she loved him, and she said no – she loves the idea of him and what he represents (being back home etc) but not the way she loves me. She said she doesn’t want to end us and that she loves and cares about me and didn’t mean to hurt me – however she wants ‘more’ out of our relationship if I decide to not breakup and wants to feel like a girlfriend rather than a companion (I will develop on this if asked).

    I do love her and until just recently I did think she was the one. We care deeply for each other, always supportive and would do anything for one another. Now I have so many doubts and don’t know if I can trust her again.

  • #2
    I completely understand that you are going through a tough time right now. From an objective perspective, this does not seem like a relationship you want to be in. Especially with it being the new year, you want to make sure you're not staying in relationships that are toxic for both you and the other person involved. I would say you should have one last conversation with her and say all the things you haven't wanted to say to her. Have an honest and honest conversation about how you both feel. If you leave that conversation feeling refreshed to try again, then give her another chance. If you don't then you need to break up with her. Go with your gut on this one. You know what the answer is.


    • #3
      I don't think she will stop seeking other male attention. She has already done it on a few occasions and doesn't respect you. Tell her you hope she enjoys her life back in her home country.


      • #4
        After four years your girlfriend is seeking out attention from other men. She's insecure and immature. If you are interesting in finding a life partner, it's time to start looking elsewhere.

        Do you two talk of your future plans together?


        • #5
          My dear friend

          I can totally understand your situation because I am going through a similar one. I have actually made a post about it if you wanna read if you're interested. As for your problem, it is definitely time to call it a day. Just move on. It will be painful. You have to be really strong. But this girl will not change her attitude. She is not loyal and she has this habit of seeking other male attention. A person has to be faithful on the basis of self accountability. Everyone can cheat, its easy. But those who don't cheat, have this sense of accountability for themselves that they have to be faithful to the person who loves and cares for them. The one who is unfaithful, has crossed the line of morality. She will not come back. Just have some dignity for yourself, and break up with her. Let he feel how secure, respected, loved and cared she was with you and how useless she will become with ALEX because he can never be like you.


          • #6
            Thank you all for taking the time to read & reply - I really appreciate all the advice, it certainly shed some light on some of my thoughts & feelings.

            I'm going to be having a conversation with her tomorrow to go over what happened to our relationship and for us to get everything out on the table.

            And to answer your question Pollon, we have - I guess it gives her a sense of security so she likes talking about it (even more so than myself I suppose).

            We share common values/believes(in life) in terms of future plans but she didn't really involve me with her decision to move back (she hasn't told her parents yet). She did bring it up once or twice with 'What do you think if we moved to...', 'I'm unhappy here, what do you think if we moved' - to which I replied I wouldn't mind moving, the conversation would go on to..where could we move to etc..but it never got to the point of a 'when' or a sit down to figure out a plan of action.

            I was expected the move would come eventually (and was planning on following her/picking a different country to move to with her) after we planned it properly...but not all of a sudden and specially not without having a proper chat about it first. I mean, we are partners after all and I think we should be taking these kind of decisions together. Although, I won't stop her as I know living here truly makes her unhappy - she has said that myself and her parents are the only thing keeping her here.