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Is it 100% over?

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  • Is it 100% over?

    We dated for about 13 months and it was the happiest time of my life. She and her ex before me had dated for about 2 years. The only reason they had broken up was because he had moved away 2 states and they were too young for a long distance relationship (about 16 at the time). We met right after he moved and we hit it off. At first she hid from him that we were talking but eventually he found out. We have been the only 2 serious boyfriends she has ever had.

    She told me the entire time we were together that she will always love him because he was her first love but I made her feel different in a way he never did. I still have multiple hand written notes of hers from over a year ago telling me all kinds of things I really believed. Things like how great I make her feel, how no one else has ever given her this much happiness, how she wants to live together and get married, how she thinks of us all the time. We were really in love, or so I thought. I don't think she was perfect by any means but I do believe she was beautiful, fun, and had determination. She was my first serious girlfriend.

    She told her boyfriend at the time that she wanted a break. Of course he was upset and even I felt horrible because I knew he loved her but I liked her a lot and it was going to be long distance between them at a young age. A few weeks later we began to date. I admit we weren't a perfect match. I was very nerdy and into electronic stuff. I haven't smoked or drank anything and had no interest in doing so. I guess I was pretty innocent. She seemed more like the party type of girl but I believe It's because she grew up with a family addicted to pills and drugs. They always asked her for money and eventually she moved away into her god mother's home to live a better life. I had grown close to her god mother and changed a lot because of my girlfriend. I became more confident and decided to go to college so we would have a future together. I truly believed we would never break up no matter what.

    I was wrong. The last few weeks we dated we argued more than ever. I'm not really sure why but I do know those arguments could have been prevented. It was my turn to be told she wanted a break and shortly after I found out she was talking to her ex before me about our problems and went to see and spend a few nights with him. I hated it but I tried to understand. But I could not understand why she lied to me about it multiple times. She says she didn't want me to hate her and ignore her forever and that's why she denied it. I only truly found out because I saw a picture of them together during our "break" so she couldn't deny it. She claims to want to stay in contact but if I don't text or call her I never hear from her. I tried over and over to fix things but it only seemed to push her away.

    A couple weeks ago we went to dinner together and she called me perfect, held my hand, and told me she loved me. I could feel she was sincere. It was an amazing night. We made plans to go to the mall the following week. But unfortunately the very next night I found out she lied about seeing her ex and things changed. She got very defensive and cancelled our mall visit with a lie saying she had to work. She didnt. I got really upset and asked for my stuff back from her house finally and said it would be the last time we talk for a long time. However, it wasn't. She texts me Merry Christmas and i ignore it. A few days later I decide that if you truly love someone you should give them a 2nd chance and be on good terms so I start talking to her again (stupid maybe?). We make plans to go to the mall finally and seem to have a good text conversation. I text her happy New Years but it backfires. She says she texted me Merry Christmas and i ignored her and that wasn't right. That when I get mad I act like she doesn't exist. I said it's because I was lied to but I changed my mind. I try to explain myself but she ignores my texts. It went downhill so I call her to fix it.

    I said I don't wanna end the year on a bad note so I'm sorry if I came off as rude but I wanna make things better. We talk about going to the mall and she suddenly says "as friends of course, I don't want you to think I'm leading you on". It hurt to hear but it was the first time she had ever said that. I knew my chances were blown but I play it off and act like "yeah I know". Then she says she will always love me but will probably always love her ex more. That me and her are different. I ask "different in a bad way?" And she says "no just different". And she says that "everytime she sees me she misses me and thinks about me" and so that's why she doesn't talk to me much. She also said this doesn't mean we won't date again, she just wants to try again with him. But she doesn't know if she will get together with him right yet because he is still 2 states away.

    We get off the phone with us still agreeing to go to the mall together. She really thinks we can stay friends and I'm trying my best to be on good terms but its very hard. At times when I act truly happy around her I can feel she is unsure if she made the right choice or not. But other times she acts very cold and unable to have serious conversations. I am the type of person when I am upset I want to talk about it and fix it. She is the type of person (and she admitted it last night) where she bottles things up and doesn't tell anyone because she doesn't want anyone to know she is upset. She avoids talking about serious issues. It was crazy to hear her say it out loud but it's true.

    any advice on how to cope with all of this? I know I should move on and meet other girls but it isn't that simple or that easy.

  • #2
    No, it's never easy to move on when you have had deep feelings for someone. But you're both very young and you have to realize that the heart is a very fickle organ. You may think you love someone one day only to be indifferent to him the next. She has lied to you on several occasions and indicated that she still isn't over her boyfriend. You can sit around and hope in vain or you can cut your losses and try to meet someone else.

    The longer you postpone getting over her, the harder it will be to move on.
    Last edited by SarahLancaster; January 1st, 2018, 09:59 AM.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      On methods to cope: redirect your grief. Different people cope differently. When I was much younger I didn't know how and no one could help me. I stayed paralyzed in bed in my apartment, under the sheets, walked around like a zombie for weeks. I couldn't taste anything I ate and at one point I was less than 100 lbs and a US size 00. At some point I know I had to buy a raincoat and it was size 0 and it was loose. I never looked in the mirror because I didn't want to see myself but one day I looked up in the bathroom and I could see almost all my ribs and I turned around and I could see the ribs on my back through my skin and my face was different. The image was so shocking that I snapped out of it and tried to cry but I had no more tears, eyeballs were dry. I think as long as you don't forget to eat you're on the winning side and it will get better. To me, it's as basic as that.

      It will hurt for a long time but not forever. She is your entire universe now but she won't be forever. You said you were in college. I think now's a critical time to figure out what you're feeding your mind and plan your life for you.

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      • #4
        Thanks for the advice but I don't even know where to begin. The reason im in college wasn't even really because I wanted to go but instead because I wanted a good future for us. I made decent grades but now I don't even see the point if I'm going to be alone. The truth is I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life but when I was with her I did know that love was the best feeling in the world and I wanted to keep it. I slipped up, however, and now I lost someone who literally changed my life. I don't know when I would be able to get another girlfriend but considering how beautiful she was and how well we got to know each other I am extremely scared to start over. I'm kinda shy and got lucky dating her. I'm afraid I won't meet someone better but instead it'll be a downgrade and I'll have to settle for someone while thinking of her.

        maybe this all sounds stupid idk. I just know our relationship could have still existed had I known what I know now. I'm pretty sure I could have saved it and that makes me extremely sad.
        Last edited by MrSnowman; January 1st, 2018, 02:09 PM.

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        • #5
          any advice on how to cope with all of this? I know I should move on and meet other girls but it isn't that simple or that easy.
          Yes... stop letting this girl carry your ballzzz around in her purse. She does not love you but she will use you to fill a void that the man she does love can't fill because he is two states away.

          Do not be second best to ANYONE. You deserve to be with a woman that loves you and only you and not some backup plan that she uses for filler until she can be with the guy she will cheat on you to be with even if you are silly enough to keep on with this little snipe.

          So: Grab your ballzz, and go zero contact so that you can rehab from your addiction to trying to win over someone who you will never win over. Zero contact means: No stalking her social media, not seeing her in the demoted state of "just friend" changing your thoughts of her to something else when she pops into your head and no contact through any medium. You will hurt until you accept the truth of the matter and resign yourself to get on with your life without she who uses you in your life.

          One hurt you will heal from or several hurts as you stagnate in your hope. Your call.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            With literally any other girl I would ignore her and move on but when you truly love someone it's hard. I have seen signs of her being really happy around me and seeming like she doubts the breakup which is what gives me hope. But unfortunately the side that wants her ex is winning. Her best friend really likes the ex which doesn't help. If she would only talk to me about serious issues things would be better. She has said she is sorry for lying and hurting me but won't talk anymore about it without it turning into a reversal arguement where she changes the conversation into something I did wrong and I'm the bad guy.

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            • #7
              She gave your relationship the kiss of death when she said she wanted to be friends and she didn't want to lead you on You have to accept that. It doesn't matter how happy she was at one time and how great everything was. That's over.

              Stop trying to resurrect a dead horse.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                You're right. It's crazy how much things have changed. Even after we broke up she was a lot more talkative toward me and wanting to see me sometimes. But now it's like we have truly faded apart. I told her this would happen and she said she didn't want that but it happened anyways.

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                • #9
                  That's life, babe. Happens to all of us.
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    Zero contact!
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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