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Should I fight for him or let him go?

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  • Should I fight for him or let him go?

    I have been seeing this guy for about 7 months now. It has been a friends with benefits type of relationship. When I met him he just broke up with his ex girlfriend that he was with for 4 years, so I understood why he didn't want a relationship at that time. I was also working out of town a lot and didn't have time to put a lot of effort in a relationship. I have been home consistently for the past 2 months and we have been seeing each other a few times a week. I usually always wait for him to text me first because I don't want to come across as clingy. He has introduced me to a few of his friends and they knew who I was before I met them and even knew some facts about me. I usually go to his house when we meet up and we spend a lot of time talking and cuddling before we have sex, and I always spend the night. We cuddle all night and lately he has been giving me kisses on the forehead, running his fingers through my hair, scratching my back and other cute things. A couple weeks ago I invited him over to my place and we stayed up really late talking he told me a lot of VERY personal deep things about himself.
    He also made the comment that night that he could marry me tomorrow and he knows he would be happy for the rest of his life, along with the uncomfortable statement "you love me, don't you?"
    I haven't even been thinking in that direction because I am just trying to get him to commit to me so that really caught me off guard. I responded to him by saying "no I don't love you" and moved on.
    Also sometime during the night he made the comment that he doesn't want a relationship until he has his life perfect. Which is annoying because I like him the way he is and don't want to wait for him to be perfect. (Which is obviously an unrealistic standard anyway.) I feel like we both learned a lot about each other that night and we didn't even have sex until morning. Since that night I feel like we have become closer to each other. Last week he invited me over and once I got there and we were hanging out for a while he asked if it was ok if we didn't have sex because he wasn't feeling well.
    I said "yes you know thats not the only reason I hang out with you right?"
    He said "yea thats not the only reason I hang out with you either. I invited you over when I didn't feel well."
    The last time I hung out with him he invited me over by asking him to come take care of him because he thought he was getting sick. While we were hanging out he wouldn't stop complimenting me and touching me and we just cuddled and talked. The conversation was great until he brought up the awkward question again about me loving him. He asked this while we were cuddling, his head was resting on my chest while so there was no eye contact but the question made my heart race because I don't know how to answer him. I don't think I'm in love with him although I really do care for him.
    I just answered "no"
    But the confusing question probably didn't make me sound as sincere as I would have liked.
    He said it a few times in that moment and then said "I can't believe your still hanging out with me"
    I asked him why and then he said "because I haven't made you my girlfriend"
    I replied by saying "you told me that you wouldn't"
    He then said "I could see myself falling into a relationship with you so easily but I am just not in a good place for it and it wouldn't be fair for you or me. I am probably going to regret it and call you in a couple years, but you'll have to send me away because you'll be married."
    I just responded by saying "k" and we went on with the night.
    A little while later after we had moved cuddling positions where I was laying on top of him while we were kissing and he asked if I loved him again. This time I responded by saying "that would be dumb"
    And he said "yea it would be"
    we went to bed shortly after that and we cuddled all night but it was more tender than usual and he would occasionally face me and pull me into him and hug me while we slept.

    This night has left me really confused because I can't figure out why he is sending me mixed signals and asking me if I love him if he doesn't want me. I have asked a couple guy friends what they think of the situation but they weren't much help. This is what is going through my head. I was thinking that he wanted to know if I loved him so he could get rid of me before I was too attached, but he made plans to see me in a couple days. That makes me think that he is falling for me even though he doesn't want to. I really care about him and I don't want to ruin our friendship that has developed, he is really honest with me and would probably answer any question that I asked him but I don't want to scare him away. I think that we would be really good together but I feel like he is punishing himself for something and that is why he doesn't feel ready for a relationship. Could he be bringing this stuff up because he wants to talk about it so I can fight for him or should I really honor and trust what he says about not be ready for a relationship. Its been 7 months and I feel like its hard to not start developing feelings and I feel like we are so close to being in a relationship right now that it seems silly to be afraid of it. I need some advice so I can stop these thoughts if their wrong before they get too out of control. Be brutally honest in what you think please!

  • #2
    Don't fight for him. A man who doesn't act like you're his one and only and affirms it does not deserve your pledge of love or loyalty. People may think they are just words but for types who live by their word, this is important. I think he's toying with you 100%. Don't allow someone else's baggage to become your baggage and what he's doing right now is pouring a whole lot of nonsense your way by playing mind games with you. You seem like the kind of person who keeps her cool very well and you should stay as cool as you can. Your options are: 1) realize what you need in a relationship, 2) realize whether he's giving it to you in an appropriate way. A man who respects you, loves you deeply, and is serious about you will make you his goddess and his world and lay the world at your feet. He will never disrespect you with mind games and he WILL fear losing you because he knows what you're worth and what you truly deserve. He will know that if he doesn't rise up to that challenge, you're gone.


    • #3
      Your bullshit meter should be spinning.

      If a man loves you, there's no such thing as 'I'm not ready for a relationship.' When we are extremely attracted to someone, the 'readiness' is built in to our natures. To me, he's playing a power game with you. He wants to conquer you--make you fall in love with him so that he can dump you. Talking about marriage in one breath and then not wanting a relationship is pure, classic manipulation. I would sever your ties with him and find someone who is worth your time.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


      • #4
        Rose and Sarah are spot ON. Nobody is "ready" for a relationship until they meet the right person. Never give a man who is not committed to you.

        so much of oyur time and attention. Stop having sex with men you do not love. Sex is never just about sex. It opens something up between 2 people.