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Ex wants to meet, not sure what to think.

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  • Ex wants to meet, not sure what to think.

    Hey, everyone

    So me and my ex broke up about two months ago and it's been up and down pretty much none stop.

    We were friends before we got together. Nothing particularly bad happened, I guess we just grew apart. We were both going through very difficult times with family and work and hadn't really talked about it all that much with each other. I started to get a fair bit of anxiety over a lot of things and sadly put a lot of pressure on her while she started to grow distant because she didn't know how to deal with it. We agreed we should take a break and let things calm down so we don't end up hating each other. We carried on talking over message and things were still fine between us. Unfortunately, we ended up bumping into each other on a night out a few days latter and got into a stupid argument when we were both drunk. I said a lot of things and so did she which effectively ended everything with me saying I don't know if we can be friends after this, something I immediately regretted.

    At first I intended to go no contact but it seemed a little stupid at the time since we were close friends to begin with. I sent a simple "I'm sorry for everything" message and we talked a little, agreeing to meet up. Unfortunately, with everything going on with her family as well as her losing her job that week, she didn't really wanna meet in the end which was understandable. Things then went to shit and we ended up in another argument. We've both maintained that we want to stay friends but my intention was always "damage control" and trying to get her back. We ended up meeting for drinks shortly after and things were ridiculously good, she talked a lot about all the great things about when we were together and even talked about if we got back together and agreed to meet again the next week

    We talked a little over messenger, her responses growing from cold to warm and it seemed we were finally getting back on track. However, the day we were meeting she again had t cancel as she has a job interview and trial shift. I expressed my annoyance but I understood. However, during the week, we got into ANOTHER argument over something stupid and got past it. I finally just decided to ask if there was a chance the two of us could get back together somewhere down the road. She admitted that while there's still feelings there, she doesn't think it could happen but hopes we can stay friends. I told her I was bummed out by this but I guess I can't change her mind.

    Fair enough, I tried but it was time to move on. We've messaged somewhat back and forth over the past few weeks but it's been scarce and felt like talking to a stranger with her getting annoyed more often than not. She's extremely busy with her new job so I've not heard from her much. I've been out with my friends a lot and had one or two one night stands which has helped but deep down I still miss her and want nothing more than to have my best friend back.

    Then she messages me out of the blue the other day... saying she's been absolutely swamped by work and university but finally has some time off soon and she would love to hang out. She started asking how things are with my family and work, getting really specific and even mentioned how she has watched La La Land (essentially our romantic film we both loved) that day and it reminded her of me and she was looking forward to seeing me. I waiting a few hours and responded saying I'd like to meet up when I'm free, etc. That was Monday and we haven't spoke since then. I'm just a bit all over the place atm because I honestly don't know what she's thinking. It's the first time since the breakup that she initiated contact without following up one of my messages as well as the first time she's initiated meeting up.

    Thoughts?

    Oh and sorry for the lengthy topic, just needed to get it all off my chest I guess.

  • #2
    You're friends (apparently), not lovers or in a relationship. Sometimes friends or acquaintances don't respond reliably because they have lives of their own. You want something more with the wrong person who isn't giving you back what you want in an adequate time frame or with the same depth that you feel. This means you're not compatible and you should move on. There are millions of other women out there (but pick a good one, for Pete's sake, who's emotionally and practically available/compatible). If it were me I'd give myself a real chance to move on and refuse to talk to her, heal and move forward. This dragging along wallowing in sadness and longing is ridiculous. You haven't healed yet at all and if you're all broken inside how do you intend to be a friend or a partner to anyone.

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    • #3
      Yeahhh this whole thing is really getting to me tbh. When we ended things, my immediate reaction was to simply stop talking to her but it's a bit more complicated than that since all of her friends are my friends so we're gonna run into each other more often than not. A lot of our friends have tried to get involved and keep saying stuff like "I really think you'll regret it if you completely cut her out of your life". So I've swallowed my pride and offered my hand in friendship. But the problem I've been faced with is every single time we've talked I've still been thinking of it in the context of getting her back...

      I completely get that friends and acquaintances don't respond to your beck and call, that's not what I'm saying. It's just the context of the messages she has been sending me. It;s constantly hot and cold. Either I get bombarded with nice and caring responses and we have an actual conversation with her agreeing to meet or she simply sends me passive aggressive crap after days of not replying. I've got the hint that she's simply no longer interested so I get it. Like I said, I know she's stressed with everything going on at work and I get that we've simply lost our connection/no longer become compatible, doesn't change the fact that I miss her. So yeah, I have been trying to move on, it's not like I'm moping around thinking about her 24/7, I have my own life. And the past 2 weeks have actually been great for me since I've got her off my mind.

      It's just what she sent me the other day has brought a lot of my old feelings back up. She's cool and chill with everything so it was just ridiculously out of character for her to message me out of the blue and bring up our favorite movie, let alone to say she's been thinking about me. I know, I should move on because we're not compatible but we used to be. I really don't know.

      Thanks for the advice though

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      • #4
        Welcome. I agree with you that some of her comments are off - for example, pulling you back down memory lane and reminding you about the movie that was special to both of you. I think she's having a hard time also but like I always say: hot and cold always means Cold. IDK (I don't know) always means No. If someone isn't over the moon, gobsmacked silly, stars and hearts popping out their eyes and pulling all the stops out to be with you, it is always a No. Never settle for anything less than what really makes you happy. You have to go through what makes you sad, pissed off, jealous, monstrous and devilish before you begin to understand what makes you really happy and puts you in a good place. One day this will make sense but not right now. Right now you just take care of you.

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        • #5
          I think she's hot and cold with her own feelings. Which is not easy on you. What was the reason for the breakup the first time?

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          • #6
            Again, thanks for the advice.

            Yeahhh I really can't work her out tbh. But then again, I've been over the entire relationship since she messaged me I remember her being like this before we got together. I honestly wouldn't have known she was into me had her friend not told me. She literally acts too cool for school to the point I was gobsmacked at her letting her guard down when we first started dating. And then after the breakup, every time we talked it was like trying to get blood from a stone at times, she certainly put her wall back up.

            Again, I get everything you mean and I had already started to move on mentally. What's murked me even more is the fact she hasn't followed up since she messaged me on Monday. I replied saying it would be nice to meet this week and she seemed ecstatic, saying she would let me know as soon as she gets her rota this week but I haven't heard a peep from her since then.

            And yeah, Indychick8753, it is a bit crappy. Well it's a tad complicated (cliche, I know). Really, it comes down to misunderstandings and just the two of us going through a lot of personal stuff at the time (family/work/friends). We initially agreed to go on a break until we could clear some stuff up and not end up bringing the negativity into our relationship, which I admit, had already started to happen. Again, things were fine until we both bumped into each other on a night out and ended up in an argument. The argument was literally just a stupid back and forth about priorities and then she suddenly came out with "I just don't want to be with anyone right now". She started crying and ended up leaving, kissing me goodbye. I thought we would just work it out over the next few days but from that point on, messaging her turned into hide and seek and she's just completely shut down. Heck, most of our friends haven't even heard from her. She's not a mean person in the slightest so it's so bizarre seeing her act this way.
            Last edited by rexlincoln; December 8th, 2017, 05:12 PM.

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