Girlfriend says she needs space... What to do now

[JeezyBlue1981]

Hello all,

I need some advice as I truly am feeling down in the dumps.. The back story is a little complains long so forgive me in advance. So I met this girl that I work with about 2.5 years ago. We work in the same department and have been dating for a year. It started as just a fling for me and I truly had no intentions of getting into a relationship as I had just got out of a real bad one about a year prior and tend to go cold after stuff like that happens in fear of getting hurt. This girl is not the type to just have fun with no strings attached and has only been with 3 guys in her life and I was the 3rd. She was married to her high school sweetheart and they had a child. Well the marriage ended up falling threw according to her as her ex husband took her for granted and she just fell out of love with him.

They have now been separated for 4 years and still communicate daily for the son but I feel as if it goes further then that. Not in the sense of sexual as she has told me that and I truly believe her but they do more then just co-parenting. They go out for dinners sometimes the 3 of them and other events. So back to me and her. As I was not sure about what I wanted she basically had said she is not a friends with benefits person and that I may be passing up on something great. So I listened to my heart and let my guard down for her and we have been together since.

she had told me at the beginning that she can’t have a typical relationship as she does not want to bring just anybody around her son and that she wants to take time with that. She also expressed that her Ex did want her back but she was not in love with him anymore and I supported the relationship they had because of the good terms they are on for the sake of there son. From what I gather he is a good dad and loves his son so that is why I was ok with it especially because she reassured me that was all it was.

she did have another BF about a year after she broke up with her ex and he turned out to be not such a nice guy but she did bring him around a few times around her son. So when that went south she felt guilty that she brought this guy around her son and now had to take yet another man away from him. I know she feels very guilty for what happened with her ex as she was the one to leave and feels as though she cheated her son out of a family.

so back to us. We would only pretty much have intimate time to ourselves every second weekend as that is when her son would go to stay with his father. We use to see each other everyday at work of course but decided to keep that more professional as she is a very private person. We have struggled as of awhile now as I’m getting a little fed up with the fact that she still kept me a secret pretty much and not even her ex knows my name. I don’t even really know if she has told him. The fact that her son has no clue who I am and doesn’t even know my face bothers me as I want nothing more then to try a build a life with this girl.

she still relies on her ex for some things and I think she keeps him around for fear of really telling him that she has moved on to crush him even more as he has expressed many times that he wants her back.

Well as of late things have been very rocky for both of us. She is very distant and very angry as of late. I know she is suffering from guilt from her past that she has not dealt with and depression as well even though she doesn’t tell me because she is the can’t let anyone see me weak type of person. Even sexual inttamicy has been affected by all this. It’s bad enough we only see each other 2 weekends a month and it’s been well over a month since we have been intimate.

Our last weekend did not go well and we got into a argument. We had left on angry terms and we both knew we needed to talk but none of us addressed it. She has recently got a new job at another place so we no longer work together and with her new schedule she would most likely have to be working afternoons so I would see her even less.

I told her why can’t she just let me in. Let me prove to you that I am not going nowhere and I want to build a life with you. She tells me she cares for me a lot and has even said she doesn’t deserve someone as good as me.

This past Sunday was our 1 year anniversary and I had bought her a few things with every intention of seeing her this weekend to give it to her and celebrate but I could feel that awkward distance. So Sunday came and she texted me and said we needed to talk. She basically told me that she needs space. That she is under so much stress and can’t deal with things right now. She is literally going crazy and doesn’t know what to do. She has asked for space before and I did not give it to her. She said what kind of GF am I to you where I hardly get to talk to you or see you? That’s not fair to me she said. I told her I would want to be there for her and help her threw this and she said I can’t.. She said this has been building up for 4 years now and she can’t take it anymore. She told me she picks fights with me and others in her life and she is emotionally drained and just tired. So I agreed to give her the space she needs but am finding it super hard. We did talk daily if even only for a few mins and she really is a amazing woman and a amazing mother and for the first time in a long time I finally know what I want and it is her.

so what do I do now to try and get her back? I know she is really going threw a tough time so I shouldn’t be texting and calling and asking her why she needs this as I feel that will only drive her away further. She was in tears when she told me this and said just thinking about me brought her to tears. This is the worst it’s ever been for her she said.


i know if she really gave me the chance to open up and let me into her life and meet her son it would take so much of the stress away as it would actually be a normal relationship whereas I could see her in a normal manner. I knew what I was signing up for and just thought she would see how good I am to her and make that transition.

its just pretty crappy that she had to do it on our anniversary and over the phone. The last thing I told her was that I care for her so much that I am gonna give her what she wants and respect that in hopes she fixes what she needs to and that brings us back together stronger then before but I have my doubts. Never got a response or a Thank you but I think it’s just to hard for her to strike up a convo with me.


Its its now been 3 days with absolutely no contact and I miss her like crazy. What is the best course of action to take so that the chances of possibly saving this relationship work in my favour? I want her to know I’m here for her but at the same time give her what she asked for.


Any advice would be very much appreciated and I thank you guys for your help.

Sorry again for the long post.

[Rose Mosse]

No means NO. Stay your distance and don't read into things more than they really are. She has much larger priorities than a relationship such as raising her son and if she doesn't see you in that picture, she doesn't see you in that picture. She also sounds like she has major issues. When a person starts getting self-sacrificial around me I never believe them because deep down there has to be a motive on their end and reasoning or strong feeling of why they just don't like the idea or can't reconcile the idea of being with you. Either someone or something else is more important or you've become a pest or a nuisance (lack of romantic feelings). Her actions and demeanor as you portray her appear very passive and that's a major red flag to me because someone who doesn't make their intentions very clear or known and leaves others hanging (such as her ex husband and you, is plain selfish in the most intelligent light or lacking in self-awareness which is also not good). She also sounds like a fearful, timid and shy person who avoids confrontation and conflict and that is also a red flag. All these traits are unattractive (to me) and blazing red flags. A person can be truthful without being rude and unkind but truth is invaluable. What she's really saying about taking a new job is that she needs the stress of working with you out of her life. What she's saying by breaking it off with you is that she doesn't want to be with you at all. And what she's really saying by lamenting the fact that she's not a good gf to you (self-sacrificial...violins, anyone?) is really her saying that SHE can't deal with not seeing you all the time but she also doesn't know how to fit you in her life. She just can't say it, can she? That you just don't fit in her life at all. You deserve someone with a lot less baggage or at least someone who is more prepared to deal with their baggage and wears the weight a bit better.

[WonderingWanderer]

In my opinion, taking space isn’t a bad thing. It will give her and you time to figure out if the relationship is right for each of you. It will also give her and you time to miss each other, but then again you might not miss each other. Then you’ll both know for sure. If she’s not that into you, then you would likely be much happier going back into the sea and finding the right woman who thinks you’re awesome. And in the mean time you have some time alone to work on yourself and find happiness within.

[Preraph]

You must respect her wishes. Anything else makes you look desperate or deranged.

I applaud her for having a civil relationship with her kid's dad, but since she knows he still wants her back, I don't think she ought to be encouraging that by doing things together with him or like a family. I would bet anything her confusion and also secrecy is because she doesn't want to rock the boat with her ex. I think you better let her do what she's going to do. If you've been seeing each other that long, it's long enough to just meet the kid at least. But she is keeping you secret too long.

Whatever made her and the ex break up will make them crash and burn again, so you should just give her all the space she needs and time for that thing to reach its inevitable clash and burn out again. Date.