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  • opinion needed

    hi everyone,
    it's been a while since I've written on here.

    I wanted to ask an opinion about dating a new guy.

    I have only been in two relationships so far and both were very unhealthy. My first ex drank a lot and eventually had to go to AAA - he was also arrested for domestic abuse.
    My second ex was nice in the beginning, but then cheated on me. We later on had a friendship/romantic relationship .. and I found out recently he acquired a new girlfriend while we were hanging out promising to see each other again. We weren't exclusive but it still was somewhat painful as I was in love with him. I really disrespected myself in this.. but I truly enjoyed spending time with him and perhaps hoped he would realize he actually cared about me still.

    I took a few months off dating, have been going to therapy.. but I met this guy through an online site.

    He is very handsome / smart - works a very good job, is starting a wonderful business idea - so far we have been on two dates and every time we were laughing and talking.
    Second date I gave him a good night hug and he tried to kiss me on the lips, and I hesitantly kissed him back
    It was a little awkward but i usually don't rush relationships and was really wanting to take the physical part of this super slow.


    Anyways, the issue is this.
    I still have huge feelings for my loser ex and have been a bit miserable about him. I saw a pic of him and his new girl on social media and since then it is stuck in my head. I don't follow it anymore, but the curiosity is killing me if they break up or not. .like he always does with girls. I know it's at this point self-torture.. but it's making me miserable. The reason why i haven't unfollowed him is cause i don't want him to know it actually affected me... he is very self-absorbed and I don't want him give him the pleasure of knowing he hurt me. If I post positive stuff, he'll think i am doing totally fine without him

    Secondly, this new guy seems to enjoy our dates but it's been three days and I haven't heard from him. It makes me feel that he has lack of interest, despite him mentioning he'd take me to a seafood restaurants.. and making plans for future dates. I would text him, but I am really worried to pursue him as I don't want to meet more rejection. I reached out once in the past and it went well... but I am just not sure if I want to be the girl chasing anybody. I really need someone to actually earn my trust.. but making the effort to get to know me


    do you guys think that this is normal or is he just not interested to be MIA for three days.. or even more?

    lastly, does anybody know how I forget my ex that I am in love with.. and get over being used by him. I go to therapy twice a week but I still miss him in the mornings when I wake up.. and really just wish he'd love me back.

    Last edited by unicorn77; December 5th, 2017, 05:11 PM.

  • #2
    I really wish I used more of the internet or had anyone to help me when I was dating like you. There are two things going on here: the obvious ex and the second one is your expectations while getting to know someone. The relationship with your ex is over; does it really matter what he thinks? You just need time and stop worrying about what he thinks about you. You're over the top consuming yourself with what he thinks. It's over. Your expectations getting to know someone new: there are different types of people. You need to decide if you are the type that needs a good strong connection with sparks or if you are the more passive, low energy type. No one way is wrong or right. I know that the latter for me doesn't work and I don't make any excuses for it anymore.

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    • #3
      ... and I wish you wouldn't date while you're still so emotionally stagnated/focused on your ex. You are not going to be all in when you want someone else and that is likely why the new guy isn't blowing up your social calendar trying to set up dates with you.

      Don't contact the new guy. Let that simmer (if he's actually interested he will contact you and set something up to see you again). You're not ready to be in a new relationship at all.

      Get over the old guy by deleting all of social media without giving a flying fuck what he thinks of you doing it. Then block him so he can't contact you. He's moved on and you should to. Change the subject of him whenever he pops into your mind to something else. Get up and do something that will take your mind off of him. Accept that it's over and it will be over in mind and heart. That is when you should be dating so that you pick well and you are strong and confident.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Dont disrecpect yourself that much,your ex is not made of gold.Yeah its hard breaking habits and going on new roads,but do it,you wont regret that.And if it doesnt feel right with this mew guy,then stop it from going onwards,plus forget the whom texted/called first,its just riddiculus.If you arent ready for the next page,take your time on this one,enjoy yourself.

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        • #5
          as for the texting, I have a lot of confusion in me about this
          I do like this new guy a lot and would like to keep seeing him for dates - the reason is that he actually seems to be very compatible. I felt really lucky to meet him. He was handsome and seemed to have his life together - and treated me very nicely on dates.


          my EX was deceptive and emotional - and also manipulative. we had a lot of chemistry, but my relationship with him was like a drug addiction
          I am doing my best to forget it - my friend looked at his Instagram and she told me she found it weird that this new girl is not present on his social media. She thinks he snapped a photo and posted it to make me jealous, after I said I was not able to see him this Friday
          we were seeing each other. a lot and he continued to ask to see me - but half of the time I was truly busy... and Friday had this date and told him I was seeing a guyfriend
          then two days later he posted a pic of this girl..
          I don't even know why I am still in love, but something about him just draws me in and I miss him - however, I don't want to be alone anymore, it's been 6 months till we officially broke up and I did the alone thing for all that time

          I am really ready to see a new person



          With this new guy, we were on the date and he seemed genuinely excited to see me on a second date, planned to take me to a seafood restaurant.. and as I said already, he tried to kiss me. But then.. 4 days go by and he does not contact me.
          I know this, cause he was like this after the first date. I know he is trying to run a business and has a fulltime job, so part of me knows he has a life.. but if he now asks me out, I can't help but feel weird I need more communication. I have a feeling he will just like it happened last time
          is this ok? do you guys think maybe some guys dont message daily and they are still interested? I am looking for a mature relationship too - my exs were obsessed with me to a very unhealthy point

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          • #6
            I have just been in a bad place.. because I feel really confused about people

            I started seeing this new guy, because I thought it would make sense to try to move on and go on dates with a new person. It took some courage to even try open my heart

            It was our second date, we were laughing.. talking.. he said he "was really glad he met me again" , repeated it several times.. and suggested we go to a seafood restaurant that he likes
            When we left, I gave him a hug good night and he kissed my lips a little. I didn't even expect it and sort of moved out of the way. It's not like he did much to earn it.

            He doesn't seem to be a womanizer unlike my ex, but a workaholic with little time. he has a busy job and is starting a side business, yet there really is no reason why he wouldn't have time for a message.

            I am not worried about his confidence as he is pretty handsome, don't think he is shy either.


            anyhows, five days went by and there was absolutely no message.. nothing
            It's like this whole thing did not happen


            I have this feeling that he might text we in like another week to see if I am available. It already happened after the first date... and I made an excuse thinking perhaps he has some personal stuff to think about.

            Now though, I feel like total piece of crap... cause the silence is totally a clear sign he simply was never that interested?


            I would text him as usually I am not very shy, but after my EX cheated and dumped me, I don't want to be chasing a man who is lukewarm about me. They take every opportunity to sleep with you.. if you open that door. I really wanted to find someone who makes effort to get to know me.
            I know at this point I have to sort of let it go, but lately feels I cant look people in the face and trust anything they tell me.

            does anybody know what this is? how do i make sense of it?
            It doesnt happen a lot I find someone with whom I have a great time, so now I just shut down completely...


            btw, stalking my other EX on facebook, pathetically hoping he sends me a message to see me cause I miss at least the part where he wanted to be my boyfriend and we talked
            Last edited by unicorn77; December 9th, 2017, 01:52 AM.

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            • #7
              Regarding your second ex, do you really want to be with someone who cheated on you? Don't you think you deserve better? Regarding the online guy, if he wants to be with you, he will make the effort to be with you.

              Your situation is an opportunity to grow. Focus on things that you like to do or want to do. Figure out what you want in a guy and don't expect unworthy treatment.

              Write down and focus on the reasons why you are no longer in a relationship with your ex and why he wasn't good for you.

              Every time you get the urge to look up your ex, click on a picture of yourself or something else (NOT HIM!!!).
              Last edited by rockinrobin; December 9th, 2017, 09:45 AM.

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