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Girlfriend of 8 years not sure what she wants

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  • #16
    Originally posted by henrygregory View Post

    You're so strict, I wish I could be more like you. I will try my best.
    It's not about strictness or strength.

    Its about realisation only.

    Her message missing you and your reply has I can only assume left you feeling worse about the situation with no progress. Correct?

    The dumper and dumpee both need to grieve the loss.
    The dumper feels guilty and will do anything to alleviate that guilt. Including invoking sympathy and contact with the dumpee. For selfish reasons ie to move forward with their own grief, with no respect for the person they dumped.

    The dumpee feels frustrated with the lack of control. But you are in control of your own self, grief and feelings.
    You just need to realise that these messages sent to you are only out of self help for the person sending them. And nothing to do with reconciliation.

    ONLY if there is a sincere suggestion of reconciliation, should you respond. And that will only ever happen after continuous ignoring of the breadcrumbs. Replying positively or negatively to breadcrumbs only prevents reconciliation.

    No contact is not an attempt for reconciliation, it is about you dealing with your grief of the loss. And getting there quicker.
    In the off chance that your ex wants to reconcile, it serves to put you in a better position emotionally for you to actually decide whether you want that or not. You might choose not to when emotionally and physically detached. Give yourself the chance to make that rational decision , because right now , you are making decisions based on emotions only.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

      It's not about strictness or strength.

      Its about realisation only.

      Her message missing you and your reply has I can only assume left you feeling worse about the situation with no progress. Correct?

      The dumper and dumpee both need to grieve the loss.
      The dumper feels guilty and will do anything to alleviate that guilt. Including invoking sympathy and contact with the dumpee. For selfish reasons ie to move forward with their own grief, with no respect for the person they dumped.

      The dumpee feels frustrated with the lack of control. But you are in control of your own self, grief and feelings.
      You just need to realise that these messages sent to you are only out of self help for the person sending them. And nothing to do with reconciliation.

      ONLY if there is a sincere suggestion of reconciliation, should you respond. And that will only ever happen after continuous ignoring of the breadcrumbs. Replying positively or negatively to breadcrumbs only prevents reconciliation.

      No contact is not an attempt for reconciliation, it is about you dealing with your grief of the loss. And getting there quicker.
      In the off chance that your ex wants to reconcile, it serves to put you in a better position emotionally for you to actually decide whether you want that or not. You might choose not to when emotionally and physically detached. Give yourself the chance to make that rational decision , because right now , you are making decisions based on emotions only.
      Thanks for your helpful post. And yes you were correct.
      What you posted was so accurate.

      It has been quite a few weeks and I thought I should post an update.

      I had been very distant with her when she did contact me. It seemed to work as she was quite surprised - I am not usually like that and it made her much more interested in me and getting my attention.

      Sadly, her mixed feelings have continued on now for well over a month and it really has made me quite ill as I just don't know if I should move on with my life, or keep things on hold. It has been more difficult as I have been keeping distance and not responding to her half as much as I had been. We have had some previously booked engagements which we have had to follow through with (to do with some charity work I do). I have found it most confusing that when we have met, she has expected kisses, cuddles and even holds my arm and hand when we are out in public or nipping into some shops to get something before we go to whatever we had pre-booked to go and do. These events are rare, as I have been keeping my distance, but when they come, she automatically treats me as a boyfriend and as if nothing had ever happened.

      I met her on Sunday and after an ok day together, she told me that she would like to just be friends at the moment.
      At least I know her feelings, though not sure what '"at the moment" is meant to mean as she has said before, she feels like she just needs to meet a few other people before settling down with me. I don't want to be some sort of second option. She knows I am reliable, financially stable and so good around the house. I am not some good time guy who likes to go out partying all the time and wasting money on things I can't afford. In terms of future, I don't think she would go wrong with me - not trying to big myself up, but I am reliable, trustworthy, sensible and would make a pretty good parent.

      On Monday, after having an argument about the whole thing, she went back to her dad's and we have not spoken since. I asked her to speak to my dad on the phone as she gives me so many mixed messages, I would rather her tell her feelings to a second person. She did which was helpful. She said she feels like she needs more time apart and she will not contact me from now on. It has been a good few days and no contact, which has helped me get on with my life for now, though I know at some point, we will have to discuss things.

      I did manage to come across a message she sent to a close friend yesterday which said the following:
      Friend: "How are you coping?"
      Her: "I am not coping. I am really worried I am making the worst decision of my entire life. I have felt so ill about all of this and I feel like I am in a recurring nightmare I can't get out of. Just so upset about what to do".
      Friend: "Hopefully, now you have cut your ties, this will give you the time to decide what you really want".

      I am sure you may well see these sorts of scenarios on here quite a lot, but she is such a nice girl really and we have both been so happy together. I really hope she can get over what she has done and consider a relationship with me as even after spending my time away and apart from her, I still miss her so much and still have such feelings of trust for her. Maybe I sound desperate, but I couldn't think of a more perfect person to settle down with and live my life with - as long as she can be sure she won't do this ever again.

      And as for me, there is one bad point, when we argue, I do have a bad temper but thankfully it takes quite a lot to really wind me up. This is the main thing she has cited as being a reason she was not sure if she wanted to be with me (sometimes I do feel like maybe it is just a clutching at straws excuse). I have taken steps, been for counselling regarding this and will be seeing a CBT person about it in a few weeks as I have Asperger. I did mention the steps I have taken to her at the time of doing my last post so she at least knows I am doing what I can to ensure her happiness if she had wanted to continue in the relationship.

      The matter continues. Thanks again for your helpful posts and suggestions. I hope she is not loosing too much sleep at night over it all.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by henrygregory View Post
        I have found it most confusing that when we have met, she has expected kisses, cuddles and even holds my arm and hand when we are out in public .......she automatically treats me as a boyfriend and as if nothing had ever happened.
        I think this is probably an example of what Maggie outlined about her trying to alleviate her guilt. She thinks she is making you feel better with cuddles, but the reality is that it makes the situation worse if she isn't intending to get back together with you, which it appears she isn't



        Originally posted by henrygregory View Post
        I met her on Sunday and after an ok day together, she told me that she would like to just be friends at the moment.

        she gives me so many mixed messages

        She said she feels like she needs more time apart
        She's been giving you all this wishy washy bullshit for over a month now. You need to man up and tell her it's time to shit or get off the potty. You'll become less attractive to her by the day whilst you patiently wait around like a lap dog whilst she states she wants to go out and meet other people.



        Originally posted by henrygregory View Post
        she feels like she just needs to meet a few other people before settling down with me.
        As soon as she said this, it would have been the end for me. I wouldn't wait around for a girl whilst she goes out to get fucked by other guys, and neither should you.


        Last edited by whatshappeningreg; November 23rd, 2017, 11:28 AM.
        Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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        • #19
          Hello everyone, I just wanted to post a follow up post on how things had gone.

          The wishy washy treatment continued with my girlfriend so I asked her to leave and take her stuff for good. She did and has not been in contact since, other than to say she has quite a few hospital appointments as she has an STI. I think that says it all really. I am still shocked at how such a normal and sensible person can end up in that position. I am just shocked. Still really upset at the lies, and messing around. She has met the guy she cheated with numerous times since the very first time, and clearly has no intentions of settling down and acting her age.

          I guess I have had a lucky escape, although it doesn't feel like that when I am sat at home alone every night.

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          • #20
            She's a loser. I'd get rid of her. Can't trust her and she's flaky. Bad apple.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #21
              She thinks you're boring. I'm sorry for saying it and I understand your grief but there's something about you that's completely flat-lined in the relationship. Maybe you don't look at her the same way or speak to her the same way and you took her forgranted after some years together. Or, she's easily bored and/or born with a silver spoon and a pet monkey. Either way you're both not compatible.You might want to look back and take a good look at your choice in women and what mistakes you made in the relationship too. I am only saying this so you try to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

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              • #22
                Sounds like she is looking for away out and is reckless about it. If 8 years isnt enough then itís better to move on I think.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by henrygregory View Post
                  The wishy washy treatment continued with my girlfriend so I asked her to leave and take her stuff for good.
                  Good for you. I'm glad you finally woke up to the situation.

                  Make sure you get yourself tested since she's picked up an STI. You never know.

                  Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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