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  • Girlfriend of 8 years not sure what she wants

    I am in a difficult position.
    My girlfriend of 8 years recently went on a drunken night and slept with someone. We have been in the process of buying our first home and it is almost complete (though we can still pull out without losing too much money). She covered her crime up and what is worse is just weeks before, had been trying with me for a baby. She was clearly committed to the relationship and all of her friends can see this. However, she has mentioned before that she wants more sex. I have suggested we go or I go to a Relate counsellor to see if it is possible for me to make changes to satisfy her in this department, but she doesn't want me to. She is very against counselling.

    After I discovered what she had done, I asked her to move into her dad's. She has been there for three weeks now and just keeps saying she doesn't know what to do. The pressure of committing to buying a house is huge and this really has not helped us. We both know we could settle down and live together forever (as we get on so well and have such a good time together), but she is just not sure if she can deal with the higher sex drive she has compared to me.

    She is so unsure and it is just killing the both of us. She just doesn't know what to do.

    Can anyone advise me on what to do? I have suggested, that she moves back and we spend time together, not as a proper couple, but just time doing things, living together to help her see if she is happy with this.
    Prior to this, we have been living in a rented house for three years and before that separately at our parents'.

    It is a very difficult situation because of how long we have been together and because of what a strong relationship we both have. She is 25 and I am 30.

  • #2
    You certainly should NOT buy a house together right now. Cut your losses. This relationship is in too much trouble to commit yourself to being financially attached to her.

    It doesn't make sense to say that you 'both know' that you could settle down and live together forever when she says she's not sure if she can deal with her higher sex drive.

    I think you both need some professional help to deal with this issue. If you can't ultimately satisfy her, she will continue to go off and sleep with other men. I'm sure you're not ok with that.

    Have you always had sexual issues during the 8 years?
    Last edited by SarahLancaster; October 22nd, 2017, 10:21 AM.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      You certainly should NOT buy a house together right now. Cut your losses. This relationship is in too much trouble to commit yourself to being financially attached to her.

      It doesn't make sens to say that you 'both know' that you could settle down and live together forever when she says she's not sure if she can deal with her higher sex drive.

      I think you both need some professional help to deal with this issue. If you can't ultimately satisfy her, she will continue to go off and sleep with other men. I'm sure you're not ok with that.

      Have you always had sexual issues during the 8 years?
      Thanks for your reply. No we have not always had issues, it has been the past 3 or so years. Her drive has got higher (she is a little younger than me) and mine has remained similar. I am more than open to look at ways of changing it, but she doesn't want me to 'change'. Sometimes you need to both change a little for things to work.

      She refuses to consider any counselling saying it is for older people. I don't want to force her into taking it.

      Agreed house is the least of our worries, thanks for clarifying this.
      Last edited by henrygregory; October 22nd, 2017, 12:33 PM.

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      • #4
        She definitely should remain at her Dads house because while living with you but not as a "proper" couple is almost like you allowing her to go and sleep with others.

        A woman's libido usually peaks at a much higher age than 25.

        Im not convinced that it's more sex she wants, I think it's more the fact that you have been her only partner (maybe , she may have cheated before) since she was 17. I think she wants experience elsewhere.

        And only she can decide if she is willing to sacrifice your relationship for her freedom.

        Thats why she doesn't want counselling.

        I would call it off and tell her she can go about her own business and call you if she changes her mind. But don't promise to wait. Tell her if you are single and she changes her mind then you might consider but only with counselling.

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        • #5
          I don't understand why you would even think about purchasing a house together and HAVING A BABY together before you've even bothered to legally commit to each other, i.e. get married.

          Now, after eight years, she's sleeping with other men and won't go to counseling because "it is for older people" and doesn't know what she wants. What a silly little girl.

          Aren't you ready to find an adult woman to share your life with?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by henrygregory View Post
            She refuses to consider any counselling saying it is for older people. I don't want to force her into taking it.
            This seems extremely immature on her part. I agree with what other have said, don't buy the house and definitely don't have a baby. I believe you are on 2 different pictures. You seem a mature persona that wants to settle down and tries to fix problems in the most adultish way, while she seems like a very immature girl that runs away from her problems. You should stay away for a while, try to look for happiness some other place. IF she does decide she wants to be with you, and you accept her, therapy is a MUST.

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            • #7
              Thank you all for your posts. It is a very difficult position for me. I love and trust this girl and I know she has done this, but she really is a genuine and caring person and those sorts of people can be so hard to come by. She has stood by me for so many years, helped me, cared for me. She even changes her shifts around if I have an important hospital appointment or something. She said that she didn't like the arguments we had and felt that I often put her down if we did argue. I felt like we had been having hardly any arguments, maybe once every two months or so, it was not like it was each week. But she has cited this as being one of the reasons she did this. No arguments in a relationship are impossible, but I said, I am happy to look at that and try not to argue back if we were to stay together.

              I get the feeling maybe she is trying to find excuses for what happened, but what really upsets me is that some of her not so close friends have found out about things and are giving her all sorts of misleading advice. I have suggested to her that it would be good for her to get away for a few days and switch her phone off so she can think about what she wants. We have tried going out for the day but inevitably, even when we say we won't talk about everything, at some point, we do and this can be hard.

              She went today for a couple of days with her dad and sister, but has been barraged by 'friends' giving her advice on what to do as she didn't turn her phone off. I can't control her and tell her what to do, but at the same time, I feel so bad about this situation as I know she is better than this and really feel like friends getting involved is not a helpful thing as they are making it even harder for her to know what to do. I think we are up to about 6 or 7 different friends constantly messaging and phoning her, giving her advice and asking her for updates.

              She says she is exhausted with it all and I am not surprised. I just don't know why she would involve so many people as instead of providing support, they are just clouding her own judgement even more and.

              She does seem quite immature for her age, she has a very stressful and quite senior job for her age, and I think out of work, she just wants to act more her own age, and I can't really blame her. She has a lot of responsibility at work, she was lucky to get the position she did.

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              • #8
                Her friends are not clouding her judgement.
                You are. And you are doing that by allowing yourself to be an option.
                Tell her firmly that you won't be in limbo and that you have decided it's best you part ways for your sake.

                Don't expect her to beg you not to end it.
                Allow her to go and grieve your relationship and if after a few months she contacts you , only reply if that contact suggests strongly that she wants you in her life. Don't reply to small chit chat.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                  Her friends are not clouding her judgement.
                  You are. And you are doing that by allowing yourself to be an option.
                  Tell her firmly that you won't be in limbo and that you have decided it's best you part ways for your sake.

                  Don't expect her to beg you not to end it.
                  Allow her to go and grieve your relationship and if after a few months she contacts you , only reply if that contact suggests strongly that she wants you in her life. Don't reply to small chit chat.
                  Thanks for your post.
                  I have given her space, and did get a message from her on Sunday morning saying she misses me lots.

                  Let's see what happens.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by henrygregory View Post

                    Thanks for your post.
                    I have given her space, and did get a message from her on Sunday morning saying she misses me lots.

                    Let's see what happens.
                    I hope you didn't respond to her breadcrumbs ?!

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                      I hope you didn't respond to her breadcrumbs ?!
                      I asked her what on earth she was going on about when any other communication she has sent me has been cold and blunt. Apparently it was what she felt at the time.

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                      • #12
                        If one person wants counseling BOTH need to go. Counseling is not just for "old" people. It is a sign of STRENGTH not
                        weakness to seek help. That's a red flag right there - her refusing to go to counseling.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by henrygregory View Post

                          I asked her what on earth she was going on about when any other communication she has sent me has been cold and blunt. Apparently it was what she felt at the time.
                          I advised you in my last post to you to not respond to chit chat!?!!
                          And ONLY to respond to a strong and clear indication that she WANTS to move forward with you.

                          Of course she misses you. All break ups leave a void. Even when you don't want the person back.

                          She only stated the obvious. She DIDN'T say she wanted you back.

                          Back to no contact!

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                            I advised you in my last post to you to not respond to chit chat!?!!
                            And ONLY to respond to a strong and clear indication that she WANTS to move forward with you.

                            Of course she misses you. All break ups leave a void. Even when you don't want the person back.

                            She only stated the obvious. She DIDN'T say she wanted you back.

                            Back to no contact!
                            You're so strict, I wish I could be more like you. I will try my best.

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                            • #15
                              I have a lastng solution to your problem, mail me
                              Last edited by Maggiemay4791; October 31st, 2017, 08:28 AM. Reason: Email address removed

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