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  • He's Moving Overseas

    Hi all, this is my first post.

    I am 25 and have been dating the most incredible man for the last year (he had a crush on me for a few years before that!) and at the beginning I knew that one of his goals in life was to live and work overseas. Well, he has now decided that the time is now, before we get too serious or before he gets too old (he's only 26), and he is leaving in a few months.

    Long distance is out of the question, as he thinks it will be too difficult. I don't know, but I'd be willing to give it a go if he was... but he's not.

    I have told him that I love him, but he has not said it back. He's never been in a serious relationship and has never been in love. He cares about me very, very much and he looks after me and has always been there for me when I need him. I FEEL like he loves me, but he just is hesitant to say it. His family adore me and everything just seems to work with us.

    Except that he wants to live and work overseas for a minimum of 1 year .... BY HIMSELF. He seems to be freaking out that all his friends are getting married and having babies, he feels like he needs to get this out of his system before he "settles down".

    He would love to get back together with me when he gets back, if I am still available and still want him. In my heart, I want that so badly as well. But it will be difficult knowing that he has been with other women and I will have probably been with other men. I just don't really understand how he can be so logical about this goal of his.

    We have only been dating 1 year but it just feels so right to me, I don't know why he is willing to throw this away just because long distance might be difficult and he wants to be completely independent overseas (to be free to sleep with other women perhaps?). He tells me that it is not a EuroTrip contiki tour sleep with every European girl possible drinking partying type thing... it is a career thing, a test of independence and an experience living for an extended period of time alone in a foreign country. I believe him... but I also know he is not going to be celibate for 1-2 years.

    So, now it is a few months before he goes overseas and originally we were going to stay together as per normal until the day he flies out. Recently, I decided that would be too difficult for me and it is getting my hopes up of a possible future together. He wants to stay in contact, be friends if possible, still be there for me when I need him... but just not officially dating/long distance. I just don't know if I can do that.

    I won't truly move on until I know for sure that we will never get back together. Who knows when that will be?

    This breakup has been difficult for him, he has cried even (he never cries) .. but it's obviously not THAT difficult or he wouldn't be doing it. Right?

    I don't know if I should cut him off completely, never speak to him, assume we will never get back together again and try my best to move on...

    Or whether I should stay in contact with him so as to not burn any bridges in the hope that we get back together when he comes home. His parents did this. His mum dumped his dad and went overseas for a few years, they both saw other people, and then she returned and they got married and have been together 25+ years. I think he thinks the same could happen to us.

    I can see myself marrying this man and staying with him forever... I hate that this road block has come up and I have to wait and see what happens.

    He's not asking me to wait, either. I just don't understand.

    So... has anyone been in a situation like this where you were in the best relationship, but had to break up due to circumstance? Any advice?

  • #2
    Re: He's Moving Overseas

    A long distance relationship will take a lot of commitment, especially with time-zone differences and would be a lot of work. Both parties have to want it, and clearly he doesn't want the "demand" on him.

    In the scheme of things, one year together isn't that long. I say you'd best cut contact now, and don't hold hope of getting back together and if he looks you up when he gets back, assess it then.

    Key word here too is "minimum" of 1 year. It could be 1 year, it could be 10 years. You cannot put yourself through this torture just because.
    PLEASE use PARAGRAPHS when you post, we’re more likely to read your post.
    For more information on paragraphs please press your enter key whilst typing a post.

    They're = They are (eg, They're not wearing any clothes!)
    Their = Possessive (eg, Check out their boobies!)
    There = locality (eg There is a naked chick in the water)
    Your = Possessive (eg I can see your boobies through that wet t-shirt)
    You're = You are (eg You're getting dressed? Damn...)

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    • #3
      Re: He's Moving Overseas

      Thanks for your reply!

      I suppose I know what I need to do, I am just like everyone else... trying to deal with heartbreak.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: He's Moving Overseas

        I'm not saying it's going to be easy, it's just the right thing to do from the way I see it.
        PLEASE use PARAGRAPHS when you post, we’re more likely to read your post.
        For more information on paragraphs please press your enter key whilst typing a post.

        They're = They are (eg, They're not wearing any clothes!)
        Their = Possessive (eg, Check out their boobies!)
        There = locality (eg There is a naked chick in the water)
        Your = Possessive (eg I can see your boobies through that wet t-shirt)
        You're = You are (eg You're getting dressed? Damn...)

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        • #5
          Re: He's Moving Overseas

          You've got a good head on those shoulders of yours and you clearly know how to use it. It will hurt like hell for a while, but you will heal, and you will be fine.

          You know that there is no future here. He has explicitly stated that there isn't (he doesn't want to do long distance, he doesn't want to work on it, he does not want you there). You know that he is not just going to come back and everything will be fine if you just put your heart on pause for a year or ten (he won't have been celibate, you will be in a completely different place emotionally given that he abandoned you and all that will have happened between you when you tried to "be friends").

          It sucks that he seems to be going through some immature crisis to try to not have to grow up (he isn't leaving because he realised he wants a certain lifestyle, he isn't willing to work with your relationship, he's leaving because he is scared of a silly idea of what being an adult is and he wants the opposite experience). It doesn't matter that it's not a "EuroTrip", and that it'll somehow look good on his resumé, it's still escapist because that's how he's treating it. It sucks, but there you are.

          I'd advise against trying to be his friend. You have been dating for too long, and you see yourself possibly marrying him. It's not going to go easy, and chances are he's proposing it because it is a way of minimising the immediate strong pain (and have a long dull pain instead). Exes can be friends, but not when one of them is trying to hold on to the hope of a future and/or being resentful of being run out on for being a dangerous old-ball-and-chain.

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          • #6
            Re: He's Moving Overseas

            Never assume anything when you can find out the actual fact or situation. When you said that you love him and he didn't give reply on that then it it big question. He should react something to it.

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            • #7
              Re: He's Moving Overseas

              Sometimes we all need to spread our wings and just be free birds once and a while. Im kinda in that phase now. If he doesnt do this for himself than if you guys were to get married he may feel he missed out and thats where many problems and seperations arise. Support his decision and do what you have to to heal and move on.
              “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, youll keep on being what you’ve always been. Nothing changes unless you make it change”

              "My name isn't Willy Wonka , I don't sugar coat shit."

              "Handle every situation like a dog. If you cant eat it or chew it. Pee on it and walk away"

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              • #8
                Re: He's Moving Overseas

                I think he has handled things very well personally. If this goal is in place, it is better that he realises it now, instead of lamenting it when he's no longer in a position to head overseas.

                You sound like an intelligent couple.

                I would not be thinking about getting back together. It will potentially lead to a greater heartbreak stemming from the fact that you will be putting your life on pause. In 2 years, you could have evolved into different people wanting different things and you just need to be prepared for that.

                As for being with other dudes. That's entirely up to you. It may not feel right and if it doesn't, then don't do it. But you can't control what he feels. Remember that and get through the period of loss.

                Without spawning more optimism, there is no reason why something can't happen in the future if you both are in a position to or still see each other as life mates.
                I dig my toes into the sand. The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket.

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                • #9
                  Re: He's Moving Overseas

                  So it's been about a month since my first post and things have not gone as smoothly as I would have liked.

                  Me and my ex have seen each other a few times, we've slept together a few times, we've had heated discussions about why we are breaking up and I keep getting upset and saying I don't want to speak to him again, and then lo and behold, I end up speaking to him a few days later.

                  I am behaving in a really pathetic way and I am disappointed in myself. I am holding onto any glimmer of hope that I get from him, when he will most likely stick to his guns and we will stay apart. He keeps saying he doesn't want to cut ties because he cares about me and there's a chance we could get back together BUT that I shouldn't wait for him and he doesn't want to lead me on.

                  How difficult!!!

                  It's been an emotional rollercoaster. On one hand I want to move on, but on the other hand I am so devastated to be losing someone that had so much potential. I read that women see relationships as investments, which is why we feel as though it was all a waste when they don't work out. I'm glad to have met him and that I got to know him like I did, but I wish sometimes that it never happened at all. It was just one big 8 month tease..here is a taste of what you WON'T have!

                  I had a sleepless night last night and that never happens to me. I was having panic attacks about him being with other women. He has told me he has absolutely no interest in being with other women before he goes (SIX MONTHS AWAY) and he would never do anything so petty and cruel to me.

                  Translation (in my opinion): If I am with another woman, you will not hear about it.

                  I just hate how jealous and hung up I am on this man. I am busy with my own life, I have lots of interesting things going on, but I just can't move on from him. It was only 8 months and he never said "I love you" and I always knew he was planning on moving overseas for a few years.....so why have I made up this larger than life romance in my head knowing my heart will be broken at the end of it?

                  LIFE!

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                  • #10
                    Re: He's Moving Overseas

                    This is always tough, but you can't change his mind. From what I've heard, once they leave, its easier. Not seeing or talking to someone has a way of helping you get over them. I'm in a limbo state myself. My girlfriend and I became exes almost two months ago, but we've been talking very openly and realizing the mistakes we made, and have been starting to fix things, takings things slow as that was part of the problem. She's always wanted to live in another city about 4 hours, which I've known, but a job opening came up, she applied and interviewed last week, so we're just waiting to find out. She had previously said long distance relationships don't work, but she's still talking to me as if we're together. I feel you tryst me, I just keep telling myself she's getting it and leaving and that's it. Sometimes you really just have to let go,as crappy as it is.

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                    • #11
                      Hi OP,
                      I am in a very similar situation as you. I am 30 and he's 28. we have been together for 8 months. He was head over heels for me in the beginning and I eventually started falling for him. Now I say i love you and he doesn't respond with a i love you too but i care about you . He's moving in 8 months abroad for a minimum of 2 years for a career. At first he broke up with me then eventually told me that it's because he's going abroad and he's not sure whether he will be back after those 2 years. I think he doesn't believe in LDRs, but my question is do I continue to date him vs be friends. I am 30 and I am going between 'losing' time with someone without a future together vs making memories with him until he leaves. We get along well, respect each other and care for each other; although at this point,I have more feelings for him than him to me and at times I feel pathetic to want this/hold onto this. any advice?

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                      • #12
                        A man who doesn't say he loves you or hesitates...doesn't love you. An IDK (I don't know) also equals No, I do not love you. He does not love you with the blazing, commitment, marriage type love. He just does not love you. Until you understand that you'll always be sad and brokenhearted. You really have nothing at all to lose because he does not love you. I was really confused like you for many years. But trust me when a man loves you deeply and completely, you will never be the same again and you'll realize why all along you wasted so much time with all those other people. You'll also know what it's like never to question another person. After some time, depending on the kind of person you are, you may not even need to hear it and words are just words. There are many other ways to show someone they are loved.

                        You should probably also know that this thread is 5 years old and considering the date and the number of posts of the original poster, you may not get any answers from that person.

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