so since then, i guess i had brushed my feelings under the rug and just tried to walk past it all. i knew i had fucked up and i knew that i deserved what i got and i tried to just accept it immediately and move on. girl 2 decided she didnt hate me for what happened, as she had a similar experience, and girl 1 and i shared some emails immediately after which then ended because she obviously didnt have anything nice to say. Since then i have sent 1 another email or two apologizing (whether it was worth anything) to which she basically said that some basic apology wasnt gonna cut it, she moved on and so should i. I have been trying to do this, girl 2 and i ended up continuing where we left off (after 4ish weeks) which has now turned into 2ish months, and for the past .....4-5 weeks i've been very emotionally wacked. she and i live over 2 hours apart now, and only get to see each other on some weekends, which i hate and is now how i want to start or be in a relationship. her and i have fun and i feel comfortable and close to her, but i also feel so fucked up otherwise that i sometimes dont know how i feel. i miss girl 1 and have been thinking and having dreams about her of late. i feel re-guilty for everything that happened. i feel like i want to be single but i also am sorta alone away from home so some miniscule companionship also feels good.
on top of this, i had adopted my first puppy a month ago which ended up getting sick and i had to have her euthanized very shortly after adopting.
i have a therapist i trust at home with whom i can talk to on the phone for sessions, which i am starting up again... but i still feel so spun that i cant figure out how to pull myself out of my little depression loop. ive tried to just let things boil off of me, but it has been several weeks and i still feel sunk, so im reaching out.
I want to reiterate that i know i fucked up royally and i would appreciate leaving negative comments out of this thread, unless its for the greater good.
thanks for reading through