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i want to stop feeling like shit

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  • i want to stop feeling like shit

    long story short: had a girlfriend for 2.5 ish years, ups and downs, but things turned sour when i made the decision to leave home for graduate school. broke up for a couple months, started talking before i left, continued talking (enter girl 2), led on girl 1 and 2 because i was falling for 2 and still in love with 1. they both knew about each other, but not to the full extent. People will probably stop me right there and tell me to fuck off, but i had legitimate strong feelings for both, and girl 2 shared an intellectual base that made her intriguing which led to the ultimate mess. i was struggling with the situation, and it ended up blowing up in my face when an unrelated third party, who was angry at me and had no relationship with either of the girls..or me (he had been my roommate for only 2 months), decided to just expose everything. obviously, it needed to stop, and i was trying to figure out how best to do it,... which i had tried over the course of those 2 months to end with girl 2 but then alcohol would turn things right back around....so i was hoping to make it home for break and change everything around but obviously that was cut short by several weeks by my roommate....

    so since then, i guess i had brushed my feelings under the rug and just tried to walk past it all. i knew i had fucked up and i knew that i deserved what i got and i tried to just accept it immediately and move on. girl 2 decided she didnt hate me for what happened, as she had a similar experience, and girl 1 and i shared some emails immediately after which then ended because she obviously didnt have anything nice to say. Since then i have sent 1 another email or two apologizing (whether it was worth anything) to which she basically said that some basic apology wasnt gonna cut it, she moved on and so should i. I have been trying to do this, girl 2 and i ended up continuing where we left off (after 4ish weeks) which has now turned into 2ish months, and for the past .....4-5 weeks i've been very emotionally wacked. she and i live over 2 hours apart now, and only get to see each other on some weekends, which i hate and is now how i want to start or be in a relationship. her and i have fun and i feel comfortable and close to her, but i also feel so fucked up otherwise that i sometimes dont know how i feel. i miss girl 1 and have been thinking and having dreams about her of late. i feel re-guilty for everything that happened. i feel like i want to be single but i also am sorta alone away from home so some miniscule companionship also feels good.

    on top of this, i had adopted my first puppy a month ago which ended up getting sick and i had to have her euthanized very shortly after adopting.

    i have a therapist i trust at home with whom i can talk to on the phone for sessions, which i am starting up again... but i still feel so spun that i cant figure out how to pull myself out of my little depression loop. ive tried to just let things boil off of me, but it has been several weeks and i still feel sunk, so im reaching out.

    I want to reiterate that i know i fucked up royally and i would appreciate leaving negative comments out of this thread, unless its for the greater good.

    thanks for reading through

  • #2
    Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

    Forgive yourself for fucking up, you're young, people make mistakes, and people get over shit. Yes, you screwed up, but learn from it instead of dwelling on it. Have you learned ANYTHING from this experience? Tell us what it is.
    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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    • #3
      Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

      Clownshoes - I want to say I really appreciate your honesty. Not many people will so openly admit to having f**ked up; most will try to play the victim.

      I wonder..... do you really have feelings for girl 2, or are you just with her because she's the easy option? It sounds like you're not really over girl 1.

      If you want to win girl 1 back, you're never going to do that if you're seeing someone else. She needs to see that you really care about her. It would just crush her knowing that you ended up with girl 2. Think about what you really want.

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      • #4
        Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

        I have learned a lot from all of this.. i learned how and what i appreciate(d) (or neglected to appreciate) about girl 1, relationships, and love. i have learned a lot about myself, temptation and smart decision making, as well as some more positive assertive behavior, standing up for myself and my feelings.

        as far as having feelings for girl 2. i did, definitely, and feel like i still do but its all so very clouded... initially, it was just fun and new, but we shared an insane amount in common, and she was already through my program so she was very smart, which allowed for really interesting in depth conversation. ive met her fam who are also excellent, and there are many more things that are good between us. but its weird, its like we are too similar in some ways...and now recently, im noticing small things that bug me some and made me realize why girl 1 was so great, so no i am DEFINITELY NOT over her. i dont really think i could "win her back" as much as i would love that but im having a hard time letting go of it. i feel like i need to write one last ditch effort email spilling my guts... i feel like she would probably love it that im hurting because of what happened, so thats sort of a downer, but if shes struggling and really trying to move on, then maybe its not my place to throw a curveball email like this at her.,.. i want to be respectful of her and also of myself but its a dicey situation obviously.

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        • #5
          Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

          Follow your heart. It knows best. Take some time and assess the situation. You will make the right decision. Things will get better.

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          • #6
            Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

            I think you should just back off and leave both ladies alone until you can figure out a path forward.
            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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            • #7
              Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

              Well, I told girl 2 that i was not ready to be in the relationship, and she was hurt, but i know its not fair for her right now considering my inability to be 100% emotionally with her. I sent a long email spilling it all out to girl 1 and letting her know exactly where im at. i dont expect anything to come of it, but i felt it was important that she fully understands how displeased i am with my actions, and how much i recognize everything.

              so now im trying to find some peace and happiness outside of relationships so that i can eventually work my way back into happiness in one.

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              • #8
                Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

                Originally posted by clownshoes View Post
                so now im trying to find some peace and happiness outside of relationships so that i can eventually work my way back into happiness in one.
                I hope that "one" you talk about is the one you have with yourself.
                There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                • #9
                  Re: i want to stop feeling like shit

                  Take a time out from all women and just focus on you and you alone. Dont use that stuff of being lonely since your a bit aways. That just means your dependant on someone if you cant be alone which is a bad quality. Like some of the others said you have to just get over it. Your not allowing yourself and probably keep playing things over in your head. You have to just learn from it and move on from it. Perhaps continuing with girl 2 isnt helping since she was partially part of this. If i were you just cut all women out and try to figure out you and what you want out of life. Then once you feel at ease with everything then you can get back out there. Otherwise its going to continue in this repeat cycle for you.
                  “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, youll keep on being what you’ve always been. Nothing changes unless you make it change”

                  "My name isn't Willy Wonka , I don't sugar coat shit."

                  "Handle every situation like a dog. If you cant eat it or chew it. Pee on it and walk away"

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