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  • Platonic Female Crossing the Line?


    Hello Everyone, I'm new here and this is bothering the hell out of me and a couple of my friends. My bf is 60ish and is well-loved in the community. He is generous and active in youth activities in the community. People want him to run for local office; he's that well-loved. We met 6 years ago and are renovating our large home. We are known for our social gatherings by the pool and wonderful dinner parties. I try to accommodate everyone graciously.

    Now here's the rub. He has female friends whis is fine, but this one woman seems out of control to me. She was at one of our pool parties and her daughter was suddenly bored outside and wanted to watch tv in our bedroom. We have a tv in the kitchen, livingroom, his son's room, and our bedroom. I told my bf that I was studying and my books were on laid out, so I preferred that she did not go in our bedroom. Well, that went ignored. He stacked my books and the mother, daughter, and my bf went upstairs to the bedroom.

    I found out because she complimented me on my sketches. WT--- was she looking through my things for? I waited until everyone left and I was able to control most of my anger for his disrespect, but let him know that was on the verge of a deal breaker. If I tell you I am uncomfortable with a suspicious female in our bedroom, then no means no! I wouldn't mind if another of his female friends went in our bedroom with him. I trust him. There is something about her that irks the hell out of me. There is no way this woman or her daughter should have been in our sanctuary. GO HOME if you want to watch tv, this is a pool party.

    Well, this woman was calling him every 1/2 hour to tell him what her ex-husband did to her, how her best friend stole her husband and is a tramp. She then told me at a party that my bf was commenting on another woman's body. I'm working out 6 days a week to keep in shape (I'm 55ish) and don't look my age (not bragging) and I need to hear this?

    She then makes a speech at a closing awards barbeque in our yard and says "I'm a vegetarian, but Blaze has me so influenced (or something to that context), that I've even had a bite of his sausage." There were about 40 people and kids out there. I quickly said out loud during her speech "That's reserved for me, Grace."

    She told my bf that she was going to a rodeo and would send him pictures of her and the kids. Well, my bf and my computers are side by side and while I worked on mine he received the pictures. What rodeo? She sent about 50 pics of her and the children in various poses AT the rodeo, but no pics of the actual rodeo.

    She even called him at 10p.m. when we're in bed watching tv to talk about her ex. She even called him one night so she and her kids to use the pool. It was our date night and he told her. When I saw her at another gathering, she told me sarcastically, "oh, date night, huh? I said directly, Yes. What nerve!

    One of his committees had a board meeting in our house the other night and when I came downstairs to get some dinner, I spoke to everyone, but this bee890870?! put her head down and did not say a word to me in my own home!

    Today, I told him I want to meet with her to straighten things out about boundaries. Wasn't she hurt enough with her best friend ending up with her husband? Why does she want to inflict that same hurt on me?

    It is sooo not my imagination. A mutual friend of ours told me she said "I feel at-home with Blaze". Okay, someone has lost their natural mind and I will snatch a B_____ in a minute! HE'S TAKEN!:eusa_hand
    Last edited by LadyPisces; October 24th, 2010, 07:46 PM. Reason: Forgot some thoughts

  • #2
    Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

    1) Why are you so mad at her? I ask this because she wouldn't even be a problem if your boyfriend respected you and knew where to draw the line. He's letting this behavior continue. He can say no, even if he's just trying to be nice. He knows it makes you uncomfortable, yet this continues. The problem, IMO, lies with him.

    2) If you are going to say anything to her, say, "I realize you're going through a hard time. I am so glad that my boyfriend can help you. I know you are a good friend of his, and I hope that you will be able to confide in me as well, since he and I are partners and share everything." Then ask her to activities that include just you and her. Make it so it's not a competition. You'll want to keep her close so you know what's going on. That also sends the message (unless she's thick as mud) that your boyfriend tells you everything, and that you'll be with him for the foreseeable future.

    If all else fails, just stop inviting her to things. If she keeps contacting JUST your partner after you've told her that she can contact you, and you've made an effort to be her friend and listen to her problems, then you can tell her, "Look, you don't want help, you want pity from a handsome man because you're scared of being alone. We are trying to be there for you because we care, but you're singling out my boyfriend for your pity party and I can't figure out why. My only guess is that you want to destroy someone else's happiness, and steal it for your own. That's underhanded and cowardly, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

    But only say that if you know the full scenario. I mean, I'm sure that this is the kind of advice you were looking for... but I'll give you what I really think you should do now:

    - Tell your boyfriend that it's awesome that he wants to help her through this rough patch, but that she seems to be pushing boundaries and stepping on toes where it's not welcome/unfounded. That this woman needs real help, and not the kind of help your boyfriend can give her. He is her friend, not her therapist. Tell him that if he respects you and your relationship, he needs to keep her at a realistic friend level. (You guys can work out what this means). Let him know that your feelings are being hurt and that the main issue is that he's not telling her "no." Likewise, if he is telling her "no" that she doesn't listen, therefore she's not a real friend, and not a good person that you'll want around anyway.
    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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    • #3
      Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

      It's as if you were sitting in the same room when I told my bf I thought he disrespected me after I told him not to take them upstairs. And I also told him she needed therapy. He said she already sees a shrink. Well, she needs to get a slew of 'em. I also told him he can say no. No one really cares for her at our parties. Seriously.

      I tried talking to her, I even listened to her whine about her ex for hours when I first met her. I was always happy to see her at our parties because I thought she was funny; dry sense of humor, but then she started calling my guy extremely often. Calls don't bother me if they're not so often, but this was every night, even sending him pictures of her on dates. All her dates are blind dates and she's never a second date with these men.

      What about the sexual enuendo she made during her speech about being a vegetarian, but how my bf influenced her so much, that she "had a bite of his sausage"? Very inappropriate. (we barbeque a lot)

      What about her telling a mutual friend of ours that Blaze feels like "home" to her? What's that all about?

      I told him I'm not so upset with her, but I'm mad as hell at him for not setting boundaries. He agreed with me, but I'm still going to talk to her, provided she doesn't hide from me.

      I also warned him that this could affect our relationship.
      Last edited by LadyPisces; October 25th, 2010, 01:59 AM. Reason: Adding another thought

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      • #4
        Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

        Welp, you've done the right thing by addressing your boyfriend first. That's a great starting point. I see why you're frustrated now. You've taken the initial steps to make this thing end before it gets rough, and there are still problems. So, I guess when you talk to her, I'd just say, calmly and plainly (You DO NOT want to give her any ammo to run to your boyfriend and say, "She's so MEAN to me! Why would she do that?! You're the only one I can turn to" because from the little you've said, she seems like the type to do such a thing.) :

        "Can I ask why you have such an affinity for my boyfriend? We are willing to help you when you need it because we are friends, and I'm not telling you that you can't call us for advice or encouragement. But I have noticed that you are overly flirtatious with my boyfriend and, while I'm sure you don't intend to, you are making us very uncomfortable by how you talk about him and how often you talk to him. I am positive that you didn't intend to ruffle any feathers when you said, 'I may try his sausage,' and you were just joking around, but I really don't appreciate that kind of innuendo about him. Please, have respect for our relationship and try not to say such things. I realize that you're probably feeling incredibly low self-esteem right now, but seeking affection from my boyfriend isn't a healthy way to raise your confidence. You should be concentrating on yourself and your kids right now! They really will need you to be a strong parent for them."

        .... or something like that. The less threatening you are, the less of a chance she has to paint you as the bad guy when she calls your boyfriend up. Or, if you want to really make the impression, have her sit down with you AND your boyfriend and talk to her while he sits there. That way she cant' twist your words and make you sound awful for wanting her to respect your relationship. *shrug* That's all I got.
        "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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        • #5
          Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

          Panda, what you got is a lot! We must be on the same wave length or something, because that's exactly what I want us to do. All three of us sit and talk everything out. I'm the type of person who believes in "teaching" people how to treat me and since that's my preference, I assume they would relish that same respect I desire, so I make accommodations to make my guests feel comfortable in my home. She doesn't drink, so when we shopped for one of our parties, I noticed her drinking club soda and since she claims to be a health nut, I bought her sparkling mineral water because it has little to no salt. When I told her I got her a special drink, she told me she preferred the club soda. Oh well, but I tried. I also made a vegetarian dish just so she wouldn't feel left out at our barbeques. The woman walked in, up to my turkey burger, and started eating it. I was upset with her and ask her why she would take something that's first of all, meat, secondly, dressed with all the fixings. She apologized and later that week, sent her child over with a ribeye steak for me. Totally unnecessary. I was upset, I let her know, and thought it was over. I'm returning the money to her she spent on the steak and explain to her that I will let her know right off the bat when I dissaprove of something, but then, move on.

          The thing with my guy is that I'm the second woman in his life. He was with his ex for over 30 years. He did not have any relationships prior to his ex. So, this type of manipulation from a female is not recognizable to him. It's like a friend told me that when a man ends a long-term relationship such as his, he reverts back to his pre-dating age, which doesn't say much, since he never dated in college or was involved in romantic relationships until he met his ex.

          He's the most wonderful man I've ever known and I've dated some coconuts, believe me. But, he still needs to be accountable for boundaries and this is my way of teaching him that our relationship is precious to us both and I need his assurance that he will protect my feelings when something like this (God forbid) ever happens again. I know how to protect his feelings because some of his friends have made passes at me, a few even tried touching me inappropriately, BUT (and that's a BIG BUT!), I quelched those gestures immediately, sternly, and very effectively that it's never happened again. Sometimes, a male parent will try me, but he only gets one try, but I apply the corrections, get the apology, and move on.

          Panda, I really appreciate your thoughts and opinions. You're upfront and honest. I believe after the meeting, she will either acknowledge her misconception and we all move on or she'll retreat in shame. If she retreats, maybe she will come around as time passes and we all can begin again, but this time with boundaries.

          Thanks.

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          • #6
            Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

            You seem to have it all together I hope the talk goes well! Good luck!
            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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            • #7
              Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

              She does seem to have it all together, maybe why i never posted anything here I thought wait she's too logical and normal!!!
              There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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              • #8
                Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                Thank you both!!!! My guy will be back tomorrow (away on business) and we'll set up the meeting then. I'll make us something to eat, too. I love comfort and I hope I can make her feel she can trust me and not be afraid of me.

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                • #9
                  Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                  Originally posted by LadyPisces View Post
                  Thank you both!!!! My guy will be back tomorrow (away on business) and we'll set up the meeting then. I'll make us something to eat, too.
                  Maybe some hot dogs..
                  I dig my toes into the sand. The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                    Originally posted by LadyPisces View Post
                    Thank you both!!!! My guy will be back tomorrow (away on business) and we'll set up the meeting then. I'll make us something to eat, too. I love comfort and I hope I can make her feel she can trust me and not be afraid of me.
                    Good luck with that but my question here I must ask is why are you so concerned with making her comfortable? She's an intrusion on your life why would you care if she's comfortable?
                    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                      I was kinda wondering why you're not having the conversation with your husband first. He is the one that should be putting up relationship boundary blocks to this woman. If he didn't accomodate her crazy ass antics, I suspect she'd go away quietly.

                      You told him not to let them go in the master bedroom and he ignored you. That's not the chippy's fault if your husband is allowing her to do what you don't want her to do.
                      I told my bf that I was studying and my books were on laid out, so I preferred that she did not go in our bedroom. Well, that went ignored. He stacked my books and the mother, daughter, and my bf went upstairs to the bedroom.
                      Uhm... make an extra hotdog for your hubby. I think he's going to be just as surprised as this woman is when you have this boundary relating dinner party.

                      told him I'm not so upset with her, but I'm mad as hell at him for not setting boundaries. He agreed with me, but I'm still going to talk to her, provided she doesn't hide from me.
                      You may not be upset with her (doubtful by the sounds of your posts) but I think you're threatened because your husband doesn't block her when she crosses your's and your husband's relationship boundaries.


                      Today, I told him I want to meet with her to straighten things out about boundaries.
                      Better yet, have a private dinner party with your husband first so that he's aware of the boundaries he's been breaking by NOT blocking this woman..

                      He's an enabler. He enables her to be how she is with him. IMO: He's who you should be directing what is "proper" to and he is the one who should be telling her in your presence that her behaviour is inappropriate. It would carry a lot more weight then.

                      Good luck with it and above all, have fun
                      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; October 25th, 2010, 10:22 PM. Reason: to addL
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                      • #12
                        Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                        Your right. He should totally direct the conversation with us both present. If his love is true, then he should prove it in front of her. Your right again, forgot about her comfort. I'm who should be made comfortable and gurl should get a life and a new therapist since this one is not working, but show also realize that my man is NOT her counselor.

                        What started it was her telling me "Blaze says you're the best girlfriend he's ever had." Why do I need her to tell me how my man feels about me? This raised supision and the remark about her "putting him in the doghouse for looking a another woman' s body and telling me. She has a lot of nerve. She gave a male friend a ride home to pick up his swimsuit and on the way made remarks that she's not sleeping with him. He was pissed and told his wife. His wife can't stand her. Even as they rode to his apartment, she said she saw him looking at another woman as they drove and he told her she was crazy. She is tactless. I don't know any grown woman who would legitimately tolerate her behavior and he should be concerned about my feelings; not hers.

                        Point is well taken.
                        Last edited by LadyPisces; October 25th, 2010, 10:58 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                          I think you should also start ignoring her and yes - blocking her from your and your boyfriend's group of "friends". Tell him you feel awfully uncomfortable with her. Let him understand.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                            Phasesofthemoon, I AM totally pissed at her, and more so with my guy for allowing a slight breach in my trust towards him. I'm no Mother Teresa (bless her), but I'm just trying to be logical. I'm upset with her because she knows he's in a relationship, and I'm mad at him because he over-accommodated. Normally, if something like this happened in the past, I was outta there, but would play the on again/off again thing until it was completely dead.

                            I'm a little too old to play those games anymore and have so much emotion, time, and finance invested in this relationship that we created and it's going to work!

                            To be honest with you guys, I'd rather her ass NOT come around at all. I guess I'm trying to see if I can work it out somehow. Why? To stand by my man, as the song goes.

                            I need an opinion from everyone about this: She took her kids to a live rodeo and to Blaze she would send him pictures of the rodeo. What rodeo? Blaze and my computers sit on a long table in our home office and we work side-by-side doing our solo things when the pictures of the "rodeo" come up and he Blaze says "where's the rodeo?" and I look over and there are about 50 pictures of her and her kids posing, even some of her gazing forelornly into the camera with a cowboy hat on, BUT NO PICTURES OF THE RODEO.

                            In my opinion, that's something you send to your boyfriend or someone you're interested in, not your senior coach on the little league.

                            Not one single picture of the rodeo. Minutes later, she's texting him and showing her pictures of her out on a date...DURING THE DATE!

                            OOOO, I'm so mad, I really could snatch a bit*(^**!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Platonic Female Crossing the Line?

                              Your husband needs to tell her to back off... that he's not interested in her photos or her dates or where her and her kid go on vacation. He then needs to block her from contacting him if she continues with the inappropriate behaviour.

                              She's got low self-esteem and she's getting some validation from your husband ... he's making her feel good about herself by flirting, paying attention to her and not blocking her actions.

                              She's dumb, your husband's an enabler and he too is getting something out of her attention or he'd tell her to quit it. I know that's what my hubby did when a mutual friend was going over the boundaries. People will treat you the way you let them treat you. Your husband is letting her treat him the way she is.. You are feeling threatened by the behaviour. That adds up to HIM doing something about it. You trying to manipulate an out-come here will just make you look like a jealous insecure shrew to this beotch. He needs to fix it, not you and he needs to fix it so it's perceived by her that he means it and it's his decision... he's not just doing it because you've hen-pecked him onto it.

                              He has to want it to stop. Does he want it to stop? If he doesn't want to stop it then it will continue only difference is it will continue behind your back instead of it being so blatantly shoved in your face.

                              That's how I see it... take it or leave it... your call.
                              Last edited by phasesofthemoon; October 26th, 2010, 11:35 AM. Reason: 'you're and "your"
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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