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  • #16
    Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

    Originally posted by oneflower22 View Post
    the to talk or not to talk thing really is the question. or how long is approriate to wait. im trying to win back my ex right now and thats what im having trouble with. its only been a couple days so i know i ahve to wait longer to not seem needy but how long is long enough?

    all those sights tell you to break cotnact break contact break contact. although you dont want to attack them with texts and calls and seem desperate, if you never contatc them how can you ever initiate working it out? how can you assume you would be on their mind if you dotn put yourself there.

    frustrating...

    Back in 2008, my boyfriend of three plus years abruptly ended our relationship. I can honestly credit the break-up to my insecurities, stubbornness and my tendency to be a bit bossy and controlling. Knowing this, coupled with his request to remain friends, intensified the hurt I was feeling beyond belief. I was devastated. When I wasn't crying and pitying myself, I was laying lifelessly under my covers growing more and more solitary everyday. Two weeks later he gave me one of his routine "we're still good friends" calls and we started catching up. I found out he was dating someone else; someone he'd befriended a couple of months before our demise, someone who was an estranged ex from his distant past. It killed me. I fell apart until there was nothing left to do but to pick it all up again.

    I stopped answering his phone calls. I tried to keep myself as occupied as possible, picking up whatever new hobbies and interests that I could. I read a lot of self-help books to help with whatever inner problems I felt I had and focused a lot on bettering myself. I became more social and outgoing, even discovering a new romantic interest along the way. I officially began dating this new interest and was moving on with my life. Granted this person wasn't nearly as compatible with me as my ex, but he made me happy. Then we started having problems. He was very insecure and needed constant reassurance of my affections for him. It just so happened that my ex was also experiencing altercations with his new romance around that same time. We hadn't spoken in months so when he called me, out of surprise and curiosity, I answered. He was reaching out to confide in me and luckily I'd reached a point where I could be there for him without dwelling on past emotions or occurrences. So I listened and tried to aid him as a true friend (not an ex pretending to be a friend) would. Long story short my 2-month relationship ended up not working out (we still remain very good friends) and my ex ended things with his retarded girlfriend (they no longer speak) of 3 or so months. A couple of months after THAT, he and I ended up getting back together and 3 years later we're still very much in love & living together.

    Basically what I'm saying is that the author of this thread is entirely right. More times than none you can't get an ex back. There's no sure-fire method or trick to do it. And the rare times when it does happen, the timing has to be right and so does your mentality. You can't be the same person you were when the break up occurred. If you are, maybe you'll get that person back, but you'll very easily lose them again. So to answer your question, the sites are right. You have to make a clean break. No more contacting this person especially not to discuss the break-up or the relationship. End all means of communication and start pushing forward. You can't waste your life wondering and waiting for the right time to call, text, email or what have you. Because you will NEVER know when or if things will go the way you're hoping they will right now. Or if after the initial shock of the break-up is gone, your feelings will change and you'll realize that it's not what you really want.

    I'm entirely too long-winded. Sorry. Hope I got my point across though lol

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    • #17
      Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

      You should have blown something else and you wouldn't have had to win him back at all. O_o
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #18
        Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

        Please do not go for any of such guide. No tip or book works in real life specially when it comes to getting ex back.

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        • #19
          Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

          my words may sound little bitter, but thats true

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          • #20
            Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

            Angel, did you actually read the guide or just the title. Because it doesnt sound like you did. To summarise Kuky's excellent post:

            Originally posted by Kuky View Post
            So here it is, at long last. The big secret. The earth-shattering revelation. The epiphany that will change the flow of time faster than Superman throwing a fit. The big secret. How to get your ex back, simply stated:

            Spoiler for How to get your ex back:
            YOU DON'T!!!!
            YOU MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!!

            Kuky is right, you can only move forward in time, and even if you started dating again its not like when you first met....in my case i'd always have on my mind that she treated me really badly, and dumped me over a text message at a time I really needed her. That will never go away and for that reason alone, I could never let her in like I did before.

            Sure, some people make up, but if its meant to be its meant to be.
            "The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less"

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            • #21
              Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

              If you think the girl is the right one you will fight to get her back, just not in a pussy way lol..the girl you fight for is the one thats right and every relationship will have its downs and every relationship will have its fights, but at the end of the night...everythings allllright lol that rhymed.

              But if you breakup once and you still like him/her, at tleast try to get her back, if you breakup a second time then let him/her come back to you...3rd strike your out!!

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              • #22
                Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                One thing i've learned over the last year about a past relationship is this:

                The future is scary yes, especially after a breakup. But you can't keep running back to the past because its familiar. As tempting as it is, its usually always a mistake.
                "The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less"

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                • #23
                  Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                  Wish I could 'like' your post Kuky. Well said!

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                  • #24
                    Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                    I will NEVER fight to win someone back who's rejected me.

                    The way I see it, they rejected me for a reason. Unless that reason has somehow changed or been resolved, then there is no way back. Also, things often aren't the same again after a break-up because you know the other person has lost their faith in you.

                    Secondly, I see it as their job to win ME back, if they truly want to be with me again. I don't want them to come back simply because I convinced them to while they were vulnerable.

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                    • #25
                      Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                      I tried the ex thing once, my first "girlfriend", we dated for a month then her instincts told her to break up with me. She regretted that then we got back together for three months ... yep, didn't work.
                      PLEASE use PARAGRAPHS when you post, we’re more likely to read your post.
                      For more information on paragraphs please press your enter key whilst typing a post.

                      They're = They are (eg, They're not wearing any clothes!)
                      Their = Possessive (eg, Check out their boobies!)
                      There = locality (eg There is a naked chick in the water)
                      Your = Possessive (eg I can see your boobies through that wet t-shirt)
                      You're = You are (eg You're getting dressed? Damn...)

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                      • #26
                        Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                        Great post. I wish I'd found it sooner. It took me about 5 months of pain and sufferin' to reach the same conclusion ( 22yrs married so i'm entitled !!! )

                        For all those who still insist on buying one of these relationship saving books, try ebay. You'll save a shed-load of cash but you will prolong the agony longer than is necessary.

                        FF

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                        • #27
                          Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                          I think the best way to get an ex back is lose interest in them... if there is any feelings still there they may just start to wonder why you're not on the phone, kind of reverse psychology. Easier said than done though, especially if you know there are others in the picture, desperation can make people erratic.
                          (we don't allow advertising - don't do it again)

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                          • #28
                            Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                            Why You Shouldn't Try To Get An Ex Back - A Definitive Guide
                            Lose interest in them FOR REAL, they are an ex for a reason and any scheming, plotting, or behavior planning for the purpose of getting them back is only going to hurt you more in the long run...and is a short step away from desperation.

                            Choose to forget them, go no contact, move on with your life and on to better things; otherwise you'll spending the best years of your life pining for someone incompatible for you instead of out there meeting someone terrific instead.
                            Last edited by English_Rose; September 17th, 2011, 01:01 PM.
                            sigpic

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                            • #29
                              Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                              Originally posted by English_Rose View Post
                              Why You Shouldn't Try To Get An Ex Back - A Definitive Guide
                              Lose interest in them FOR REAL, they are an ex for a reason and any scheming, plotting, or behavior planning for the purpose of getting them back is only going to hurt you more in the long run...and is a short step away from desperation.

                              Choose to forget them, go no contact, move on with your life and on to better things; otherwise you'll spending the best years of your life pining for someone incompatible for you instead of out there meeting someone terrific instead.
                              Good advice, pining is a waste of your life! I tried it and can vouch it's better to move in.
                              (we don't allow advertising - don't do it again)

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                              • #30
                                Re: How to get your ex back - the definitive guide

                                Originally posted by Kuky View Post
                                I live in Seattle, and that means there's a lot of clouds and rain this time of year. I went on a nice hike with some buddies a few weeks back. It was a lot of hard work. And when we got to the top of the mountain, where there should have been an amazing view of the nearby terrain, there was... nothing... it was so foggy up there that you could barely see half way down the mountain before being whited out. There were many disappointed hikers up there, complaining about this view being taken away from them, after all that arduous, hard work. As for me, as I sat on that rock, looking out at the white, and chewing on some trailmix, I was truly content. Satisfied, happy, and while I made a joke or two about the view, I didn't feel entitled to anything, or that I lost anything. It was an amazing hike, and I would do it again, even knowing about the fog at the top. Anyway, keep this story on the back burner for a bit.

                                Sometimes, there is an increased volume of posts having to do with one topic or another, and I like to batch up my replies in a new thread. It's just more efficient that way, ya know? Because while it's true that everyone is a unique snowflake, the more interesting truth is that when you remove the noise/content from the question, it becomes the same question.

                                I am about to reveal a relationship secret that people don't want you to know. There are many, many two-bit morons who're trying to sell you an e-book about how to get your ex back, and they DON'T want you to know this secret. There are many shameless spammers whose user names make it obvious that they are shameless spammers, who are relentless. Even though we have a hack in place that makes it very hard for someone to login and cross-post their spam, they will come on, post a bunch of one-liners, and BOOM, update their signatures.

                                What this says to me is, those people are ALREADY doing poorly in their business. Otherwise, they wouldn't have to resort to such idiotic means. I'd actually like to know how that's working out for them. But anyway, I'm sure this big secret will put all those spammers straight out of business.

                                So here it is, at long last. The big secret. The earth-shattering revelation. The epiphany that will change the flow of time faster than Superman throwing a fit. The big secret. How to get your ex back, simply stated:

                                Spoiler for How to get your ex back:
                                YOU DON'T!!!!
                                YOU MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!!


                                Oh I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I know you didn't want to hear that. That's why you post a question like "how do I get my ex back?" - because you want a trick. A magic pill. You want things to go back to the same shitty way they were the day before the breakup, when in reality, the only time-travel that would help, is if you went back to when you first started going out, with the same knowledge... and since that's impossible, the only reasonable answer is usually, you gotta travel FORWARD in time, to when you start going out with the next guy/girl, with all the useful knowledge and experience you've gleaned from the past.

                                There are just so many ways I could take this from this point on, because I know some of you are thinking, "yeah but MY situation is special/different." No it's not!

                                If you've only been going out for a very short time, then why even bother? Get the knowledge/experience, and move on. Feel fortunate that you got out this early.

                                If you've been going out for years, then I can understand that you feel there is a lot invested. That's because there IS a lot invested. And you know what? It also means the "strain" on your real-hate-shun-shit probably dates back years as well. Trust me: There is no such thing as "we were happy for 5 years, and then out of the blue, she changed, and ended it with me." Just because YOU were too self-absorbed to notice things slowly deteriorating doesn't mean she hasn't been feeling it for a long, long time. Hell, that's probably why it's over now - because you didn't pay attention to what was going on, when your partner felt like s/he was screaming it at you.

                                That means no amount of pathetic apologizing and letter-writing will change things. In this case, the very very best thing you can do really is to gain a deep understanding of what happened. I don't mean what happened at the last straw, that triggered her decision, but what's been happening for years now. THAT is the root of things, and you can't just ask some random people in a forum what to say to get her back, because this is SO deeply-rooted that things will continue to fall apart. You can't band-aid this.

                                "but but but... I LOVE her/him"... So? What does that even mean? Here's another earth-shattering revelation: Love does NOT conquer all. Also, "love" is not permanent. Finally, "love" is a nominalization. That's when you take an abstract concept (usually an emotion) and give it a label, in the form of a noun. The neat thing is, that label represents DIFFERENT things for different people. So when you say you love someone, under the hood, it means something DIFFERENT to every person in the world. That's really what makes us all different unique snowflakes. We all use the same language, yet we disagree about our interpretations on things, on a deep emotional level that is difficult to explain with spoken language. That should not be a surprise.

                                Your emotions towards other people, just like everything else in this world, are temporary. EVERYTHING is temporary. I know that can seem like a tough pill to swallow to some, but I really think this is a GOOD thing. Accepting and embracing the impermanence of everything is the best way to truly cherish every good moment you have in this life. And if you're clinging to this "love" for someone as a reason to live a shitty life, then that means your label of "love" is backed by all sorts of fear-of-loss type emotions. In other words, it's desperation.

                                "She's the only girl I can love like this"... To me, this means "she's the only girl that's ever paid attention to me!" It's a really unhealthy scarcity mindset. A lot of people think this whole "abundance mindset" thing is for the "pickup guys" to have a better attitude. And while it's definitely a useful attitude to have success in that field, I think it's a useful attitude in ALL of life's areas. If you can be truly happy, knowing that everything is impermanent, then you have an abundance mindset.

                                Notice that I'm not even bothering to talk about specific tricks to get over this one person. This is deep enough that it should permeate the very fabric of your being, and flow into EVERY area of your life. So instead of dwelling on how you'll never have the same thing again, realize how wonderful that is, and ask yourself, "what if this were only the beginning?" Because it's not the end result that matters - it's the process of getting there. And if you can enjoy that process, you won't have such a sense of loss when you lose it. It really is the amazing hike up the trail that matters. The view is just a bonus. It should not be the source of your happiness and validation. It should complement things nicely, but your validation should not come from the outside. Having the girl, getting the job, etc. Those things don't validate your life. Your life validates your life.

                                The things you need to do that "would" get your ex back, would make you into someone who doesn't WANT the ex back. That's the thing. You can't just "change" and act like you're doing it for yourself, when you secretly hope that you get that ex back. That doesn't work, because eliminating that "secret hope" IS the key to her wanting you back, and you know what? You can't fake it. I'm sure HowToGetBack sells a great product, full of ways to fake it, but the truth is, you just plain can't fake what your core beliefs and values are. It's life's fail-safe. So you might as well focus on being a better person for you, and be genuine about it. Because if you aren't genuine about it, you're only screwing yourself. Hike on, friends!
                                I find the title of this post rather cruel. If there is clearly no way to "get your ex back" as this writer asserts then why even make it a title. Why get someones hopes up? I agree in principle wiuth whats been written but if someone is fresh from being left by a long term partner it is like kicking some poor person when they are already down. A better title may be something along the lines of "How to deal with your mate leaving you". Anyway just some thoughts.

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