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Cheating husband? Again?

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  • Cheating husband? Again?

    So I'm getting the gut feeling.

    My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Things haven't been easy for us, but I'm pretty forgiving and I realize relationships take work. However...

    My husband is flirty and I'm really questioning him lately. It's driving me crazy. He seems to befriend some of his female clients (the better looking ones apparently). I mean, he'll meet them legitimately through work, then I feel like he doesn't know when to quit. Or he just doesn't want to. He'll add them on snapchat, talk with them throughout the day, in the evenings, meet for coffee. He'll tell me he just wants to make sure their happy with the service and make it sound like it's purely professional but clearly the act of even adding them on snapchat tells me otherwise. If it was professional I'm sure a follow up email at work during work ours would suffice. Am I wrong? Recently he told me how his most recent female friend expressed concern about my reaction to them talking on snapchat. He made it sound like she was sooooo sweet for worrying about my feelings. It just made me realize she's obviously feeling like it's crossing a boundary for a reason.

    One time I took our daughter to a birthday party and found out that one of his female friends came over right when I left. TheyllT come over when I'm here and I legitimately feel like a third wheel.

    Fact is, I've been pretending to be ok with it for the most part. I did tell him that birthday party incident was totally fishy to me and he reassured me out was nothing and he doesn't want me to worry about anything. But then he laid the guilt on me saying I'm trying to control who his friends are.. But my gut is screaming at me. First of all, he lives on his phone. It's quite annoying actually. He keeps it on lockdown at all times, and I feel like he seems worried I'll try and go on it, just by the way he leaves it overnight. Paper folded a certain way underneath it, the cord wrapped in a weird way. He will go and get groceries and I'll find out he also gave one a ride somewhere, or went for coffee.

    The other thing is I actually cannot tolerate how one sided everything is. For 14 years this guy has adored strip clubs and my open mind let him go any time he wanted. Yet about a month ago I went for a ladies night at the male strippers and he lost it so bad. He got so angry and made me feel so guilty. Then he told me he's not comfortable with me going so I need to stop. Ok. 14 years and he has gone every chance he got and that's ok.

    I feel like if I had a good looking guy friend I was snapchatting with, going for coffee with, takingto in the evenings, he would like his effing mind. But cuz it's him, it's ok.

    I'm super frustrated. I even have dreams that he's cheating on me so obviously it's bugging me. He cheated on me 10 years ago so I know he's capable. Don't know what to do.
    Last edited by Madeleine1985; November 19th, 2018, 04:25 AM.

  • #2
    The definition of cheating is not limited to "having sex with someone else".
    The way he's engaging with these other women is inappropriate at best. He's making you feel uncomfortable, having one on one intimate, personal contact, even in your own home. He crosses the lines there and you have every right to be upset about that.
    I can't comment on whether or not he's actually being physical with these women, but honestly that doesn't even matter. He's crossing the lines already as we speak and that should be reason enough to walk away.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      Oh he is definitely up to something. Once a cheater always a cheater. What he is doing is beyond the boundaries of professionalism and very inappropriate. Why are you with him if he already cheated on you? you clearly don't trust him and he has a very controlling manner. No relationship or marriage can work without trust and he very clearly cannot be trusted. He sounds like just a male colleague of mine. He's married with two kids but not faithful at all. He flirts with every female he comes across.He is a charmer. He is very inappropriate and has made no secret of his sexual escapades outside of his marriage to us. His wife has no idea because he is such a smooth talker and he feels no guilt at all. He meets up with different female clients outside of work hours, texts them, calls them. His phone is all locked up so no-one can look at it. His emails were checked by a manager a while ago because there were instances where he wasn't where he was supposed to be during work hours. His emails showed a hotel booking for somewhere 30 miles or so away for him and a female client and an exchange of emails between them arranging their meet up there. He even tried it on once with me in the past but i told him right where to go. He hasn't tried again but he still flirts. You don't want to be with a guy like that.
      Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 19th, 2018, 08:27 AM.

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      • #4
        Thanks guys. I appreciate your responses. I feel like I need to talk to him, even though I know it'll just turn into an argument about "me trying to control him" and pick who he can have as friends. I guess that just shows how controlled I feel about all this, which is totally wrong.

        Like adding a female client on snapchat and talking to them all the time is so wrong. And he is such an jealous insecure maniac with me!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Madeleine1985 View Post
          So I'm getting the gut feeling.

          My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Things haven't been easy for us, but I'm pretty forgiving and I realize relationships take work. However...

          My husband is flirty and I'm really questioning him lately. It's driving me crazy. He seems to befriend some of his female clients (the better looking ones apparently). I mean, he'll meet them legitimately through work, then I feel like he doesn't know when to quit. Or he just doesn't want to. He'll add them on snapchat, talk with them throughout the day, in the evenings, meet for coffee. He'll tell me he just wants to make sure their happy with the service and make it sound like it's purely professional but clearly the act of even adding them on snapchat tells me otherwise. If it was professional I'm sure a follow up email at work during work ours would suffice. Am I wrong? Recently he told me how his most recent female friend expressed concern about my reaction to them talking on snapchat. He made it sound like she was sooooo sweet for worrying about my feelings. It just made me realize she's obviously feeling like it's crossing a boundary for a reason.

          One time I took our daughter to a birthday party and found out that one of his female friends came over right when I left. TheyllT come over when I'm here and I legitimately feel like a third wheel.

          Fact is, I've been pretending to be ok with it for the most part. I did tell him that birthday party incident was totally fishy to me and he reassured me out was nothing and he doesn't want me to worry about anything. But then he laid the guilt on me saying I'm trying to control who his friends are.. But my gut is screaming at me. First of all, he lives on his phone. It's quite annoying actually. He keeps it on lockdown at all times, and I feel like he seems worried I'll try and go on it, just by the way he leaves it overnight. Paper folded a certain way underneath it, the cord wrapped in a weird way. He will go and get groceries and I'll find out he also gave one a ride somewhere, or went for coffee.

          The other thing is I actually cannot tolerate how one sided everything is. For 14 years this guy has adored strip clubs and my open mind let him go any time he wanted. Yet about a month ago I went for a ladies night at the male strippers and he lost it so bad. He got so angry and made me feel so guilty. Then he told me he's not comfortable with me going so I need to stop. Ok. 14 years and he has gone every chance he got and that's ok.

          I feel like if I had a good looking guy friend I was snapchatting with, going for coffee with, takingto in the evenings, he would like his effing mind. But cuz it's him, it's ok.

          I'm super frustrated. I even have dreams that he's cheating on me so obviously it's bugging me. He cheated on me 10 years ago so I know he's capable. Don't know what to do.
          What do you hope to get out of your thread? You should be going to a therapist to help you get the courage to leave him because you don't trust him (good reason not to) and he doesn't give a shit about your feelings on him acting single.

          Either go to therapy and learn to trust him because he's not going to change, or...
          Get your own life where you have male attention one-on-one so you're not so focused on his boundary crossing actions, or...
          Just leave him and find someone who doesn't need the attention of the opposite sex like your partner does.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Ugh. I'm sorry. This is rough. I saw someone else write this and I have to agree...cheating is not exclusive to a physical relationship with another partner. And in my short two years of marriage (so far!) I've learned that what's acceptable for one person or relationship might not be the same for another and that is ok. So while I'm super glad you're here looking for support, it seems pretty clear you already know this is a negative to you personally and that's what matters. I mean...someone in this thread could say "Oh this sounds harmless!" and someone else could say "This is cheating...leave!", but it's up to you to decide what you will deal with and what is unacceptable to you for you to feel safe (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) in your marriage. Since this is very clearly unacceptable to you (and I would think, to most people) then I believe it's in your best interest to keep pushing to find a way to fix and rebuild in a healthy way, if that's possible. It sounds to me like you've tried to talk about it with him but he hasn't been receptive. At that point, I wonder if another resource, like a therapist or someone could listen to both sides and help mediate the conversation. It's pretty clear that what's going on isn't ok with you so it might take something like that to show your DH you're serious about this stopping. Praying for you!

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            • #7
              I think it's going to be hard to change anything now in your marriage after 14 years of letting strip clubs and chatting up female clients privately sort of become the norm. I'm sorry you're feeling down for all of this. The two of you might have irreconcilable differences. He does seem easily irked when the tables are turned which makes me think that there's more than just different ideas about friendships and levels of professionalism. I think he sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive, personally. I agree with Phases that you should be speaking with a therapist on figuring out why you feel these behaviours are acceptable or ever were acceptable in a marriage/relationship. Most women and men don't behave like this in a marriage. What makes you think this is normal or within your healthy boundaries? Why have you swung so far in being open minded to the point of not being able to discern right from wrong? Did you grow up in an overly restricted or limited childhood? Did you have a chance to explore your healthy limits when you were dating prior to being married?

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