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  • I donít know where to turn

    Hi all,

    As the title says I honestly have no idea where to turn or do. I been with my wife for 8 years and married for 1 year, we recently lost our baby 3 months ago; and we were side by side through it all I made sure I was her rock and did what ever I could for her, she took time out of work and went back to work to start to get normality and get back into life an Iíve made sure Iíve been there making sure her day is ok. I later on found out another guy took an interest in her an been messaging her, I confronted her and she told me she hasnít a clue why she carried on messaging back, but she said the only person she ever wants is means will do what ever it takes. But ever since then for the past 3 weeks she has distanced herself from me and we been arguing non stop, she asks me to back off an I do and when I ask to sit down an talk to her to find out whatís the matter all she can say is I donít know, an says there is an issue but doesnít nonwhat it is or how to fix it. It is starting to take a mental toll on me, and I donít know what I can do as it is not fair on our little daughter either. Any advice be great thank you

  • #2
    Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I suspect that your wife is grieving and that is why she is acting the way she is, she hasn't processed the trauma that she and her body have had to endure.

    Would she consider going to counseling with you to help one another to process the loss and also learn how to communicate what is causing the tension between the both of you.

    Are you continuously questioning her about the guy she was messaging?
    Has she stopped talking to him altogether now?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Hi thank you for the reply, thank you,

      yeah she she has stopped completely deleted and blocked the number and all aspects of social media. I have asked her about counselling for ya both to go but she refuses there is a problem, but i have tried to tell her that this is the issue and she needs to realise it once she does we can work at it together as a team. I donít like to give up on anything an just because things are tough now I donít expect to give up now. I have asked her a couple of times about the other guy and she tells me no itís not happening so I need to trust and respect her words. She just seem so distant and got such a wall up no matter what I do Iím not getting anywhere hence why Iíve come here now.

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      • #4
        Sheld How about marriage counseling? Sounds like both of you need to heal.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          chanelle
          I have literally tried and asked her and she just refuses thinknthere is nothing wrong, but I tell her I be by her side but still wonít, itís such a sticky situation as what ever I suggest she wonít reason with me or meet me in the middle I have said to her if we got so many problems that she says we do Iíve suggested letís start with 1 issue An work at that not everything at once, but she canít give me an issue at all. An itís horrible to see her like this she is not the same person I know. Iíll never leave her side just toughbtonse an dealnwith.
          Last edited by Sheld; November 12th, 2018, 02:03 AM.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by chanelle View Post
            Sheld How about marriage counseling? Sounds like both of you need to heal.


            I have literally tried and asked her and she just refuses thinknthere is nothing wrong, but I tell her I be by her side but still wonít, itís such a sticky situation as what ever I suggest she wonít reason with me or meet me in the middle I have said to her if we got so many problems that she says we do Iíve suggested letís start with 1 issue An work at that not everything at once, but she canít give me an issue at all. An itís horrible to see her like this she is not the same person I know. Iíll never leave her side just toughbtonse an dealnwith.

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            • #7
              Sheld Then back off and give her lots of time and space. Perhaps she needs to deal with her very private feelings to herself. It's a very long mourning process. I'm sorry for your loss.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Sheld View Post
                Hi all,

                As the title says I honestly have no idea where to turn or do. I been with my wife for 8 years and married for 1 year, we recently lost our baby 3 months ago; and we were side by side through it all I made sure I was her rock and did what ever I could for her, she took time out of work and went back to work to start to get normality and get back into life an Iíve made sure Iíve been there making sure her day is ok. I later on found out another guy took an interest in her an been messaging her, I confronted her and she told me she hasnít a clue why she carried on messaging back, but she said the only person she ever wants is means will do what ever it takes. But ever since then for the past 3 weeks she has distanced herself from me and we been arguing non stop, she asks me to back off an I do and when I ask to sit down an talk to her to find out whatís the matter all she can say is I donít know, an says there is an issue but doesnít nonwhat it is or how to fix it. It is starting to take a mental toll on me, and I donít know what I can do as it is not fair on our little daughter either. Any advice be great thank you
                Iím so sorry for your loss.

                Just a couple of questions before I say any more.

                Did your baby pass at a childrenís hospital?

                What are you doing personally to cope with the grief of your loss?
                You are both going through this , not just your wife.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss and all that you are going through. It has only been three months and its going to take allot of time and patience for her to move past this. She is grieving and needs to cope in her own way without being pressured. She wont be herself for a while which is expected and you need to support her in that. It's not marriage counseling you need. It will get a little easier for her in time but right now all you can do is just be there. That's all she needs for now. Things will get better. Big hugs to you guys.
                  Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 12th, 2018, 05:18 AM.

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                  • #10
                    Maggiemay4791 baby passed away and found out at the scan due to her bleeding, i deal with my things very differently I communicate with her about my feelings and I focus on the gym and my family, but I donít think she knows how to respond when I speak about it she becomes very cold, with our 1st baby she got delayed post natal depression and tore us apart an over time she realised what it was and worked at the relationship and been fine since and then when we lost baby I was her rock and her savour as she said to me but over time she has pushed me away an put a wall up and become very cold with me, she has seen a lot of other pregnant women An her friends getting pregnant which does play a big factor,

                    Dazed & Confused I try be there for her as much as I can try say the right things to comfort her an when she is down I tell her Iím there for her and wonít ever be going no where An she can always count on me, but she does say she takes me for granted and she is not the same person who she was and says I deserve better.
                    its very hard to take a step back and let her deal with things an in that person who will do what it takes to help her and to never give up. But I guess with me being so persistent it pushes her away.
                    Last edited by Sheld; November 12th, 2018, 06:06 AM.

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                    • #11
                      Have you told her you feel about the loss?

                      Perhaps she sees your way of coping (gym, family etc) as if you arenít feeling the loss because it ďappearsĒ you are just behaving as if there was no loss. She canít do that. Going cold on you might just be her defensive mechanism kicking in thinking she should be coping better just like you seem to.

                      For her there are added hormones on top of everything.

                      Perhaps you need to be more honest with your feelings rather than focusing on hers?

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                      • #12
                        Maggiemay4791 I absolutely agree I have tried to tell her how I feel and Iíve broken down a few times but unfortunately she doesnít know how to deal with that she is so used to seeing me strong all the time, An when Iím not ok she doesnít know how to deal with it hence why I try to put my feelings aside an deal with it in the gym, my only concern is she might think she has ruined everything and doesnít know how to resolve it an only thing she is thinking is to end it all,

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                        • #13
                          Neither of you know how to deal with 'it.' Please consider either personal therapy for yourself (wherein eventually, he/she will ask your wife to come in to support you) or marriage counseling to help you both understand the other and learn better communication skills, or grief counselling to help you to come to terms with your loss.

                          If you don't do something, then the emotional disconnect you are going through with one another will eventually kill your marriage.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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