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Never expected this to happen. I need advice on this.

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  • Never expected this to happen. I need advice on this.

    I will address us as Me and Her. We have been together for close to 5 years. I am 44 and she is 35. Back when we first started Dating and getting to know each other, I explained to her I was not interested in raising a child. I had a son when I was 19 that I lost to SIDS when he was 5 months old. After that I never gave much thought about having another child. Other than I was against it. mostly because I can barely take care of myself. Minimum wage jobs and not having my own apartment. moving from place to place different room mates. has unfortunately been my way of life. she got pregnant about a year and a half ago and she had an abortion mostly because of my feelings on raising a child and how we were in no position to bring a child into this world. When we met she let it be known she has a son. although she had not been part of is life and had not seen him since he was two. The father moved away to another state with her son and she hadn't seen them or talked to her son since they left. Her son is 14 now.
    Last year her ex and her son moved back locally. in the past year she has met with her son and her ex to now have a relationship with her son. she found her son has disabilities and has been removed from the first few schools he attended here.
    Yesterday I noticed on the computer that she had been looking for apartments and rooms for rent. Some of the rooms she inquired about were in house holds of gay communities. Lesbians looking for other lesbian room mates. When I confronted her with what I had found, She explained to me that her ex was dying and her son will have no where to go so she was planning on taking him in and that her apartment search was being done for the three of us. When I brought up the fact that she was looking in gay communities, she said she was just checking out all of her options.
    Problem im having is that she knows how I feel about razing a kid. I do understand her wanting to help her son but she is not understanding what this will all consist of. I don't feel she is responsible enough to take this on and I know im not financially stable to take this on.
    Her mind is made up. I love her with all my heart but I know what I can and cant take on. now I feel like our relationship is just a waist of time because as soon as her ex dies she is going to try and be the guardian. with or with out me. In this case will be with out me.
    Now I am being made out to be the bad guy because I am not willing to stay with her to and help her raise her son. So I either stay with her and begin a change in my life that I know im not in any position to do or I lose her. Im looking for advice.

  • #2
    That's a tough situation. But after close to 5 years I would say your relationship should be at the stage where you could afford a little compromise for eachother? If not that's a long time to be nowhere. So I'd say supporting your girl through what must be a difficult time would be best. God always makes everything ok and wouldn't put syou guys up to something you can't handle. Good luck!

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    • #3
      Newoldtimer You can't have everything. You'll have to sacrifice your soul should you go along with helping your girlfriend raise her disabled son or you do what is best for yourself by parting ways. I'm sorry about your losing your baby son to SIDS when you were 19.

      One of these days you'll have to make some tough decisions about which direction you want to go in your life. Either you're in it for the long haul with your girlfriend and her son or you'll have to make your exit especially if you're lumped together with your girlfriend and her son against your will.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        It's very understandable that your girlfriend wants to raise her son. Where else is he supposed to go after his father dies?
        You can't hold that choice against her. You also don't want to be the person who forces her to dump her son in a caring facility. Trust me, she's always resent you for it and your relationship won't survive.

        So, the choice you have to make is whether you love this woman enough to overcome your aversion to raising children. There is no right and wrong answer. You can only listen to your gut.
        Don't let people talk you into feeling guilty, or pressure you either which way. You have no obligations to this child and you've made no promises to your girlfriend. Whether you stay or go, it's all up to you.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          Originally posted by chanelle View Post
          One of these days you'll have to make some tough decisions about which direction you want to go in your life. Either you're in it for the long haul with your girlfriend and her son or you'll have to make your exit
          Originally posted by Ayla View Post
          So, the choice you have to make is whether you love this woman enough to overcome your aversion to raising children. There is no right and wrong answer. You can only listen to your gut... You have no obligations to this child and you've made no promises to your girlfriend. Whether you stay or go, it's all up to you.
          It essentially boils down to you having to make the choice, as pointed out above.

          I think it would be very decent of you to step up and support your partner during this time. But equally, it seems you have always been clear on your stance regarding children, so it's not like you have been lying or misleading her.

          I think you should spend a long time thinking about what you really want before you make a rash decision.



          Originally posted by Coolcowboy82 View Post
          God always makes everything ok and wouldn't put you guys up to something you can't handle.
          Haha! Wouldn't the world be great if that were remotely true.
          Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

          Comment


          • #6
            As a realist I have to say that her and her son will probably be better off without you. They will qualify for more disability benefits without your meagre income mucking it up for her (based on family income). You are not in this (this thread wouldn't exist if you were) so what's the problem?

            You will break up, you will miss her for a time and you'll be fine in your gypsy-like life once again. Please do her the kindness of NOT going back for sex now and then. She doesn't need that stagnating her from finding someone who doesn't mind her having a son and her son doesn't need you coming in and out of his life.

            ... and there it is, the bottom line in your face.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              I appreciate all of you. All of your words are considered. If we could touch on a few more things.... I do love her. She is a good girl to me. I am just worried about the financial aspect of things. I am only working 30 hours a week at min wage and a third of that is garnished from the irs. She also works min wage job and gets garnished for back child support. We barely scrape by. I just feel it would kind of be unfair the kid. We have nothing to provide for him.
              I really don't know how the system works as far as the state taking custody. I could be wrong but I assume he would be better taken care of, again I really don't know how that works.

              The other thing no one has spoke upon is Why would she be looking for a room to rent in a lesbian only house if she intended for the three of us to be moving together? We are living in a place now that we finally are able to save a little money. yes this is a very tough life changing decision. ugh. I want to be there for her. I would love to help the kid. It also would be nice to help myself though to.

              Comment


              • #8
                Well, perhaps the Lesbian Digs are the only ones she can afford on the wages you both bring in? Perhaps she knows you're not going to be on board with her and she's hoping that she'll get more support from another woman?

                Do you know if she is bi-sexual? If she's not, then what about her looking to be a lesbians room mate worries you?

                If you love her then why don't you try it with her but don't do it until you've BOTH figured out what disability benefits she will get for him. If he has behavioral problems then perhaps he would be better off in institutional care? She needs to get him assessed and find out what is in HIS best interests before she does anything, I would say.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                  As a realist I have to say that her and her son will probably be better off without you. They will qualify for more disability benefits without your meagre income mucking it up for her (based on family income). You are not in this (this thread wouldn't exist if you were) so what's the problem?

                  You will break up, you will miss her for a time and you'll be fine in your gypsy-like life once again. Please do her the kindness of NOT going back for sex now and then. She doesn't need that stagnating her from finding someone who doesn't mind her having a son and her son doesn't need you coming in and out of his life.

                  ... and there it is, the bottom line in your face.
                  lol That's you advice? let her go so her and her kid can live off of well fair? Ok sorry but that doesn't really help the reality of things here. but thank you for your thoughts.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Newoldtimer View Post

                    lol That's you advice? let her go so her and her kid can live off of well fair? Ok sorry but that doesn't really help the reality of things here. but thank you for your thoughts.
                    Maybe you should stop putting words in my mouth. It wouldn't be welfare for HER, ffs it would be disability benefits that she will need to help look after her son who has a disability. Read my follow up post.
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      If you love her then why don't you try it with her but don't do it until you've BOTH figured out what disability benefits she will get for him. If he has behavioral problems then perhaps he would be better off in institutional care? She needs to get him assessed and find out what is in HIS best interests before she does anything, I would say.[/QUOTE]


                      you are right that is exactly what she should do. Im not against her helping her kid and wanting to have a relation with him. There is so much more to this situation. This is all very fresh news that I feel she has not actually thought out completely. trust I want whats best for us all. I feel she is jumping the gun. I think she should at least inquire what its going to take for this all to happen.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        She can ask his school to have him assessed by the school board psychologist I think. She should find out what she is in for before she makes any Lease commitments. (even if you don't stay together). She may not be emotionally or physically able to handle him. If he's getting removed from two public schools now then he may need live-in schooling at this point.

                        Encourage her to look into why he was removed from these schools and what the school board recommends whats best for a young teen going forth. She can still be in his life if he's best in a live-in environment and feel better knowing its what is best for him for the long-haul.

                        Good luck.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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