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The best thing I can think of

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  • The best thing I can think of

    I've wanted to die for most of my adult life. I hate to talk about it with people because they keep on not getting the point. It amazes me the simplistic view people have of depression and suicide. They literally see it as something bad just happened to you, you just need to wait a few minutes and it'll get better. That is literally how most people think this shit works. They have no idea that suicidal depression is about your personality being rotted from the inside out and replaced with nothingness, contempt for life, and absolute hatred for yourself. Being suicidal also means that you've had all you can take of the world, you don't want anymore (even if its a change for the better), and you just want to be dead.

    I've always been such a loser and an idiot. Thinking back on all my life in its various eras, I've always been so stupid. I was always a failure in school. I was always so stupid, it's unbelievable. I'm still stupid, and still spinning my wheels the same exact way. When I start telling people these things, they always reply with, "aww, no you're not! You're just being too hard on yourself." BULLSHIT! You have no idea what you're talking about.

    I'm a loser and an undesirable in every way. I failed school, I have no skills, no job, no education, and very severe issues with learning. I'm awkward and weird, especially with women. I'm a virgin, and have never had a girlfriend (and never really talked to them much). Girls have always completely hated me and avoided me at all costs.

    People naturally hate me. My personality sucks. I have no friends, etc. etc. etc.

    I could go on, but it just starts to sound like I'm pulling things out of my ass. I'm writing this because I AM truly and honestly done altogether with life. I don't want new chances, I don't want dxciting new opportunities, I don't want to "turn my life around", I don't want to "reinvent myself"... I just want to be gone and never return.

  • #2
    Then why exactly are you posting here? There's some part of you that wants to live. You're reaching out for something. Have you gotten professional help?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      Then why exactly are you posting here? There's some part of you that wants to live. You're reaching out for something. Have you gotten professional help?
      Not sure. Just blowing off steam in the meantime I guess.


      • #4
        What would your ideal life look like?


        • #5
          Originally posted by Blaze View Post
          What would your ideal life look like?
          If I could start over and choose, I'd choose not to be born.


          • #6
            I'm not going to say that I know exactly how you feel, Myelin, because I don't, but I have been through some of the things that you mentioned.

            Some years ago, I was seriously suicidal too.
            I hated life, and just wanted out.
            I decided that hanging was the best option (quick, clean, and relatively painless, if done right).
            I found out what the correct drop should be (very important, if you don't fancy asphyxiation), and I decided where to do it and measured up.
            I looked into where to buy thick rope from, how to tie a hangman's noose knot etc..
            I'm still here, so obviously I didn't do it, but I do understand that this is not just a cry for help.

            I didn't flunk school, but I was hopeless with girls, and lost my virginity in my twenties - through sheer luck.
            Someone told a married woman (9 years older) that I liked her, and she did all the running.

            Before then, I was unbelievably shy, and would get palpitations just by standing fairly close to a girl.

            What changed things for me was hanging around with my only friend from high-school.
            He had always been overconfident (except with the girls. He was a gimp, like me), but he'd spent a few years in the army, so that had given him confidence in that department.
            We went out drinking every night for a year, and his confidence rubbed off on me ~ after a few beers.

            So, what I'm trying to say is that things change, even if you don't want them to.

            Since not committing suicide, my life has taken a turn for the better (although there have been ups and downs), so I'm glad that I didn't do it.

            I fell in love with a woman, about a year ago, and, although that relationship is over, it was a wonderful experience that I would never have had if I'd done the dirty deed.

            I can't promise that you will ever feel as good as I did, when I was in that relationship, but I can promise that you will NEVER feel that good if you take your own life.

            Give yourself a deadline.
            Say to yourself:
            If I still feel like this in 12 months (or whatever) I'll do it.
            In the meantime, just take whatever little titbits life throws your way.


            • #7
              I've been through stages of depression in my life too at times. It's something that affects a lot of people at some point or another but you can't give up. You have to try. We lost someone very close to me to cancer. She was 36 and she would have given anything to live. She fought and fought but the disease took her from us and it was the most devastating thing in the world. You have your health. That is so much to be thankfull for and the other things that you are unhappy with can be changed with baby steps, a little hard work and determination. Saying "no" to this illness that controls and dictates your life. But you have to take the first step. Go to your doctor. Tell them how you are feeling and say you need help. One day can change everything. One person can bring light into your life. And as for suicide. Don't do it. My friend lost her brother to suicide. He was 18 and had so much to live for. It was horrific for their family and just so sad. Think of the people in your life who would be heartbroken. I know when you are down and in this constant state of despair it is very hard to see anything else but the misery but you have power and control over your life and future. You can change so much by seeking help