Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need help - Girlfriend has insane jealousy issues.

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Need help - Girlfriend has insane jealousy issues.

    Hi all, I hope this is the right section to post this in. I am new to this site and actually just joined so I can discuss some of the problems I have been having in my relationship and see what other people have to say. I'm going to try to be as honest and detailed as I can and I hope that I can get some constructive advice to help me decide what I do from here.

    Okay, so I started dating this girl four months ago. I'm 34 and she's 30, she has been married twice before and I was engaged once but never married, we both have no kids, she has been cheated on by every partner she has had and let me know this upfront. She went on to explain that she could only date me if I let her have my Facebook password and if I agreed to remove any ex girlfriends from social media. I wasn't really comfortable doing this but I agreed and after a few days we exchanged passwords and I removed some people off Facebook. I didn't delete my ex fiance who lives in another country and who I left years ago, and I didn't delete a platonic friend of mine who I used to go to the gym with and who I had socialized with because I had never pursued any sort of relationship with her so thought that it wouldn't be an issue. It was an issue, she went on and on about me having those two on my Facebook profile, and after a big fight I deleted and blocked them both to keep my girlfriend happy.

    And we lived happily ever after... but not quite. This has become a recurring fight that keeps coming up. Even though it is three months ago that I blocked them both from Facebook, she will frequently bring up the fact that I chose them over her because I took too long to remove them. Often she will randomly bring these two girls up into conversation with me and be very insulting of them, she'll refer to them as hoes, as sluts, talk about how ugly and dirty they are etc. She also does this with another ex girlfriend of mine from a year ago that my current girlfriend knows from years back. Whenever she does this I try my best to just ignore her, but when she continues over and over again I eventually will tell her to drop the subject, then she'll say my reaction proves I have feelings for these women and am choosing them over her. I have tried so hard reasoning with her but it has reached the point where I feel my stress levels rise just from her mentioning these peoples names. Many a pleasant evening has been ruined when she'll find some way to bring these people into a conversation and we then descend into a fight.

    Another problem we have is that she always accuses me of looking at other women. If we are at a shopping mall and I look at something and there are some women in that general direction she will assume that I was checking out the women. Sometimes she will bring it up with me on the spot, sometimes much later, but it's always a big deal and she's always so certain. There was a night recently where we were out drinking with friends and on the table next to us was a woman who used to be on my Facebook and Instagram accounts but that I didn't know in real life and had not even chatted to on social media. Anyway, I must have looked over at her once or twice because it caused my girlfriend to ask me if I know her. I knew that if I admitted I knew her there was a chance my girlfriend would make a scene in front of my friends so I lied and said I didn't know anyone over there, and the next day when she asked me I continued with this story because I just didn't want to deal with the drama of a huge fight over nothing. Anyway, this did turn into a large fight as it turns out she already knew that this girl was on my social media and according to her is a "well known slut", very nice of her to let me know. Now, in this particular example I did the wrong thing by lying, but as I have explained to my girlfriend I should not have felt the need to lie as most normal people would not react the way she often does. I would have never felt the need to lie to any of my exes because they wouldn't have reacted if I just answered with "Yeah, just some girl on my Facebook, don't really know her though." That's what I think anyway, if I'm wrong I'm happy to hear any other opinions. Oh, and in this example she also said that when I was looking at her I was giving her a sexual kinda look and trying to get her attention, when I pointed out that I'd be nuts to do that because firstly I don't even know the girl really and have never spoken to her, and secondly because my girlfriend was sitting right beside me she took it to mean that if she wasn't next to me I would have done it. I really cannot win with her.

    Another issue is that she says that if I find another woman attractive that it is just as bad as cheating because it is what she calls "emotional cheating." She also says that if I watch Porn it is a form of cheating because I would be getting off looking at someone elses body rather than hers. I find all of this bizarre but I have done my best to keep her happy by not watching Porn at all in the time we've been dating (even though every other girlfriend I have had has actually been into watching it themselves and occasionally would use it as a sex aide) and I have also tried to not notice women in public. I hate taking her to a nightclub as she assumes that I'm checking every woman out, I don't want to take her to the gym for the same reason, it has just become really difficult because I know that I'll probably have to deal with accusations no matter what I do.

    Between the time I left my fiance two years ago and the time I met my current girlfriend I dated about six other women, they were all short relationships that were not too serious. I had sex with two of them. This according to my girlfriend is also disgusting to her. Dating six women in two years, and sleeping with two women when I wasn't fully in love with them. Interestingly when I started dated my current girlfriend we were groping each other in the cinema on our second date with some heavy petting and at the start of our third date we had sex for the first time. She says that it's different because we fell in love so quickly but I don't see how me having sex with two other women in a two year period is out of line when she obviously has no problem moving fast with someone she's into. Also, she has no problem discussing sex acts she has done with her exes if she wants to suggest a new position to try, but if I was to bring up anything similar I know she would freak out. Once I wanted to show her pictures of the home I used to own that I sold before emigrating and she refused to look saying she doesn't want to see the bedroom where I had sex with that slut (referring to my ex-fiance.)

    For most of the relationship we have spent a lot of our time together, she has her own place but would just stay at mine which is what we both preferred. I do love her, the sex is great, and the 80% of the time that she is not putting me through all of this is also great. In the last couple of weeks though we have spent most of our time apart and fighting and the core of it is what I have described above. I am going to wait for a few responses to come in then I will link her this discussion. I am still hoping for some sort of reconciliation but at this stage I know it may not happen as I will only get back with her if I can get her to stop with this behavior that in my view is tearing us apart. I have tried to get her to agree to see a counselor too but she refuses, saying they are for the weak.

    That's all I can think of for now, if I think of more I will add to this, and when she sees the conversation she is likely to add her point of view too.
    Last edited by sam82; May 26th, 2017, 08:09 PM.

  • #2
    Hmm, I guess no-one really comes to this section? Can a moderator move it to the appropriate section? If not please just let me know where to put it and I'll copy paste this right over there instead!

    Comment


    • #3
      Calm down, mate. Many of us are just waking up here across the pond.

      You are allowing this woman to keep you in a prison of her psychopathic jealousy. I can tell you that jealousy issues don't resolve themselves easily. There's no magic pill that makes it go away quickly. What your girlfriend needs is a serious wake-up call. Tell her that you can't see yourself spending your life being afraid of going out in public, to the gym, to a restaurant, or to work without having her obsessive jealousy come down upon you. She is being disrespectful by accusing you of things you aren't guilty of. Perhaps if she is faced with the idea that she will lose you if she doesn't stop, she may find a way to put a lid on her insecurities.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

      Comment


      • #4
        I agree with Sarah. You get from others what you allow them to do to you. Her actions are unacceptable to you. You are allowing her to do this to you. Talk to her about it again, tell her you will remove yourself from the relationship if it continues. When she does it again, remove yourself from the relationship. She will either lighten up or get more angry about it. She may need some time to process it, but stick to your guns.. Either way you will know your answer and whether you should continue to stay with her.

        Comment


        • #5
          You are trying to form a life with an asshole who needs serious psychological help in getting over her past.

          You are a fool if you stay and take her shit and expect to be happy. Although there is no excuse to cheat, I would suspect that she drove each and every one of her partners to step out due to her self-fulfilling prophecy.

          She needs help with a professional before she'll ever make any man a good partner.

          The very fact that you started a thread to discuss makes me think that you are going to be foolish enough to try and make a life with a woman with this particular brand of crazy. That makes you just as issued as who you're with if I'm correct. You can talk to her until you're blue in the ballzzz and she'll not be able to change her anxiety about being cheated on again without help with a professional.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Adding: The very fact she thinks that cousellors are for the weak is all you need to know to get your ass away from her like it was on fire. You're with a very troubled chica who does not see the error of her ways at all. Get. out. now.

            Hook her up to this thread.... I'd love to hear her response to having had a mirror held up to her.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
              Adding: The very fact she thinks that cousellors are for the weak is all you need to know to get your ass away from her like it was on fire. You're with a very troubled chica who does not see the error of her ways at all. Get. out. now.

              Hook her up to this thread.... I'd love to hear her response to having had a mirror held up to her.
              Hi there, I actually posted this same message in two threads yesterday, the other one was getting a lot of responses and I linked it to her and she told her side of the story but the result of her being there was against their terms of service and actually resulted in us getting banned. I don't know if that would be the case on this site or not. What I'll do at this stage instead is copy paste what she wrote instead. I don't agree with much of what she has written as she has exaggerated certain things but I will post it all verbatim as that may help with advice too. We spent all of yesterday messaging each other but in the end achieved nothing. Today I have told her I will not be contacting her at all and that by tomorrow I am going to find a good counselor and book in a time. I have made it clear that if she doesn't go this is over. Despite all the things she says in what I am about to post, she is still messaging me and insisting that if I change we can be together, but that it is only me that has to change and that seeing a counselor is not something she will consider.

              Here goes, this is what she wrote on another site:

              It's pretty sad how this whole post is misleading to gain sides with him. Yes , I have insecurities n I refused to date him because I had been cheated on by my exes mainly because it was long distance & they had opportunities to cheat but todate (including last night), my exes try to contact me n I try blocking every means that they can contact me. They tell me how sorry they are n how they failed to appreciate me and chose to cheat just for excitement in my absence. My exes had cheated on me ALWAYS with women they were friends that they previously had attractions for, exes n ex flings. I would trust them so much until I received proofs from these women that he is sleeping with them. I then went through his phones & social accounts n got all evidence. I again left my past fears n gave few more guys a clean slate n gave that trust a man needs n yet again these friends he fancied n exes n ex flings were once again a problem n evidence again received via social accounts. I have done so much for love n relationships which includes leaving my religion, banking career, law study opportunity, AND even got disowned by my family because I chose to find love. Women laughed at me for not finding out that my man sleeps with them. My exes lied to my face n I used to believe it. My ex husband even slept with his ex the day he boarded flight to fiji to marry me and I found out about it four days after my marriage. Again all evidence was in social accounts but I trusted way too much. I then realized that if I had tried looking out for signs n keeping these women out of his life, I would have saved myself alot of heartache.I was even reaching out to become friends with his ex who used to send me his msgs with her, where he said, he can't wait for our wedding dance n for me to give him a family etc n I used to have no trust issues until I informed that this ex was sleeping with him n pretending to be my friend too. After my last relationship n being fooled around & lied to , I decided that I need a break n even if I do then what n when will I be ready to date ritjout tryst issues. It's easy to say there's no relationship without trust but has anyone wondered how it's supposed to be built first? I decided then that if I do date then it's going to be based on three rules. .1) exchanging passwords as I believe there is no secrets in relationship and if u ur chats r private with an opposite sex then clearly there's something that shouldn't be happening. People talk about sharing toilet seats to sharing life together n yet can't share passwords? U need privacy then put a lock in toilet. ..that's all privacy u should get in relationship because if u chat a girl n u think ur partner shouldn't see then what will u doing she bumps into u in public when u r with ur woman? Will u ask ur woman to go stand foots away so u can privately talk to this person? I don't believe in my password ur password unless it's bank account passwords. If u can't share it then u not ready to give all in a relationship. Plus it's not only me in the entire world who share passwords. Many healthy relationship does while many frown upon which is each ones choice n in this case, I didn't force my "bf to be" to give because I told him I hv rules n it's up to him to decide if he is ok with it n if he wasn't then I didn't force him to date me did I? He chose to date me because he agreed to give what I felt I needed to give myself the reassurance of trusting a man.
              2) I don't want any ex flings & exes or women he wanted to dare before n has attractions for till now...because these kinds of women broke my marriage
              3) no lying even if it's a small thing...it will make me doubt everything u say later...

              Now that's the background of my insecurities n why I HAD to set rules to at least do something for me to trust again. I would rather have this to ensure I'm with a right guy than to trust n waste years until I discover him cheating. ..

              Now y I said his post is misleading is because :- 1) he didn't mention how I never stopped him from having female friends. His two female friends are known for sleeping around with strangers and I even witnessed one even making out with a girl while her bf sat there upset n ashamed. I didn't stop him to be their friends because I know they r just friends but the woman he mentioned in his post as a friend that I asked him to block is a woman he continues to tell me he is ATTRACTED to n that she's a good girl who he met in club n later she asked him to gym with her and that he was interested I'm DATING HER. Her cousin n even workmates n friend's friends told me to keep close watch because this girl lures men by trapping them then going on dates to observe how well off he is before she gets in bed so she can make a luxury life for her n her son. The problem is that if I tell him that she is not decent n since u r attracted to her n easily fooled by her then she's not one I'm happy for u to keep in ur life along with exes. Again I didn't force this rule down his throat. I told him I can't dare him because I see how he has so many women in his life n it will mk me insecure n that I hv rules that I can't hv exes n women he fancies yo be in his life . He said "I HAVE NO PROBLEM DOING THAT".
              Once he got me as his gf n I being head over heels for him because for the first time I thought a guy wants to genuinely live me by giving whatever it takes to save me from my past fears. But as soon as we dated, he broke all promises n FOUGHT to keep these women. It came to a point I asked him y he chooses them over me when they r immoral and unattractive? To which he would put fights n threats to leave me if I say anything about these women. ..now is that what a damaged woman wants to deal with in a new relationship? Her bf defending these women he fancied? Is it right to keep them in my relationship knowing these types of women broke my relationships before? He would lie to me over smallest of things n I never point it out to him that I know the truth n that he's lying because the situation wasn't a big deal to hv an argument on but the day he say at bar eyeing a woman n giving her smiles n I tried distracting him from her because I thought it's not worth a fight over this..he still got right back at ogling at her n her giving back the eyeing n third time I decided to ask him" is there anything interesting? " to which he snapped saying I'm crazy n he doesn't know what I'm talking about. .I dropped it.. then again he sat in a position to face her n again gluing his eyes on her to which I asked "do u know her"? Again he made me look like I'm crazy n as always he said I'll help u get through this because u r mentally unstable. ..wow I thought I'll ask him next day abt her maybe because he was thinking I'll create a scene or something (which I never did ever). .again next day he blamed me n said it's all in my head n he doesn't know I'm talking don't. I knew the girl so I looked her up in his acc (not by logging into his acc fyi rather from my own instagram acc by checking if they r following eachother ) because I know what I saw that dayn I knew I picked on his lies. And of course I saw my bf n her liking eachother's posts religiously. I took screenshotsn sent it to him n told him that once agsin he broke my trust. He lied n how can I trust him..after couple of days he came up with an excuse for his lies that he HAD to lie... it's another thing if u look at someone n look away n it's smother if u mk eye contacts. It's so embarrassing for me as a gf who sits there watching the bf do such a thing n probably the girl thinking "poor dumb gf has no idea her bf trips me"...I told him that he can tell me if he knows people n there's no need to lie because it causes more trust issues. He was caught looking at a girl with mouth piercings n he decided to tell me that he knows her from a bar n that he realized some time ago tbat she doesn't work there anymore because she was a newbie. .I asked if he know this girl (flowed a pic of my friend who works in same bar for many years n she is unattractive) he said nope. I joked that he noticed this girl yet never noticed a girl who works there for so long maybe because u were fishing?

              ...To be continued due to character limit when posting....

              Comment


              • #8
                ...her messaged completed here...


                ..this comment only came along because just before he told me who she is, he was telling me that he feels an old guy in my fbk account is just nice to me because he is fishing for young woman. I told him that this man has daughters my age n he gives me fatherly advice to which he said I font believe this because all men FISH ..so I decides to tease him that he noticed this girl n not the old staff because he was fishing too? I expected a laugh but he started fighting. I hugged him n told him that I'm happy he told me how he knows her n that's wat I expect but I was merely joking based on his claim on men in general. He spilt the night by asking me to go home n I kept saying that we shouldn't fight because there's no issue... things like this always happens where I say something small n he is ready with his shield up as if I'm looking for fights. He refuses to listen any truth about women he is attracted to. He would belittle me for them such as words like " xxx is studying law n it's her last year n maybe one day she will be ur boss... I find her attractive ... I'm torn seeing her because I can't talk to her because of u" ...which gf wants to hear this or ignore it n force herself to believe her bf loves her? I feel ugly because he fights for immoral women n finds then attractive n complains about not having them by totally forgetting what my expectations r in relationship. Now I know many couples contacts or hangs out with exes etc but that's because ur partner is doing it too n u hv a leeway n r happy doing this but I have my expectations from a man n that does g mean I'm crazy. I'm just tired of giving men all these sorts of unhealthy freedom that I know I can be cheated on later on...he can probably cheat rich anyone anytime but since men never cared to provide reassurance despite my 100% efforts to being loyal n honest, I decided to set ground rules n if a genuine man who has no desperate need to keep flings n exes n women he is attracted to, then I'm happy to date him but I NEVER FORCED IT..he complains like I forced it. He had problems with that then y date at all ? Now u all can gang me up more after reading this because already image crazy according to u all after all sympathy he gained from half the truth. FYI. .he also forgot to mention that he financially bullies me. I earn $200/week n I pay my rent n bills while he earns far more than me n yet he mocks me for not earning enough. He tells me " u don't put hand in ur pocket" despite me always paying for things I can afford such as all taxi fares when we r out n even sometimes buying him good or buying own. I couldn't eat at his because I felt like a homeless who gets reminded each time how much food cost him. I cook for him almost everyday n I give more than 90% of the meat from my plate to him because I contribute little towards groceries n I feel I can't indulge in eating well at his. I save my meal money to buy him surprise gifts instead of buying myself anything to the extent of doing a hire purchase of electronic device he needed though he didn't ask for it because for me, my partner is all I think of n I can ho to any extent to keep him happy even if it means I'm struggling to make ends meet but a guy like him always telling me I don't thank him enough for movies n dinners etc n that he compares me with the women in his post by saying she's going to be a lawyer n perhaps willbe yr boss when he knows she sleeps her way through to get there. At least I'm struggling financially n yet never asked him for money. He once paid my medical bill n I saw he was not happy n hw said "wasn't expecting this much bill" *$300* , so I called my employers n took loan which I'm still paying through weekly wages. He insisted on paying because I was sick n needed immediate medical consultation. He said he can look after his hill but when bill came, his girl seemed a burden...I never owed his ant money. I do everything to keep him happy but all he had to do was get rid if these two women n stop defending them because when he protects them, it makes me feel he is doing so because he has feelings for them because he wanted to date them before n to make it worse, he acts sad n grumpy when he sees her because he is attracted to her n wants to hv her in his life. He told me that I can't meet any guy friends in his absence while he parties alone with his female friend who has history of random hookups. I am not allowed to meet my friends unless HE takes me or rare occasions I managed to meet friends because we had fights n my friends r all girls n one gay guy. Even if I'm out with girls only, he msgs me "enjoy hoe" while he is alone partying with a girl. We would hv fights sometimes n when he dies the same thing again n I point it out to him that he promised to change n he wouldn't do this,,he tells me "what? I font remember us having this issue before. .what u talking about? U made it up. U r unstable. ." He has no recollection of things that transpired. .. strange really. .. now he sweet talks to u all like a caring bf whose gf is crazy n he wants to be a saint to help me. Where was he when he agreed to give what it may take up save me? Hw waa busy breaking promisesn lying n ogling women n fighting for community service sex service provider of a woman to the extent of telling me that i look like his ex who btw is seriously very unattractive. .this made me feel like he is with my because he saw his ex n me..I find myself ugly when I see myself. I fear having to see these women anywhere with him around because I know I will endup crying after seeing my bf being sad not having them in his life. That's how a gf should feel? I can understand if he lost a gd close friend of years that I asked him to not contact. .but these women r women he met in club n knew for few months. Them over me? That's what a gf shouldn't question herself because the whole relationship is not enjoyable knowing ur man is sad not having a woman he wanted to daten is attracted to. I lost my self esteem. ..I got called mentally ill if I express my concerns... anyways I know as usual he song with u all will find ways to justify his behavior because this world runs in a weird way.. immoral people n who do wrong r praised but victims r blamed. ..a lie is a lie even if u all believe it and a truth is a truth even if u all don't believe it. I won't respond to anyone here because I detailed everything in a long msg...enough said.

                Comment


                • #9
                  How can you live with that much drama in a relationship? Whether or not some of that is your fault or not you can't stay in this relationship.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Blaze View Post
                    How can you live with that much drama in a relationship? Whether or not some of that is your fault or not you can't stay in this relationship.
                    *sigh*

                    I know you're probably right. I have gotten her to agree to see a counselor with me on Friday now, so we'll see if anything decent results from it. She has told me she only wants to see one to prove that I'm the one who's wrong and then dump me! So, it's not exactly ideal, but I'll consider it a last ditch chance to fix things up between us because even though she says things like this and has been quite horrible to me this past few weeks, I really don't think she means it and certain actions (like sending me so many messages and switching her social media back to pics of the two of us) indicate that she doesn't really mean it either.

                    I am fairly sure when the counselor hears both our stories she is likely to tell my gf things she doesn't want to hear and if this results in her storming out or making excuses for why the information is invalid I may have to just move on. Really hoping the counselor suggests something that we can actually work with. I let her pick the place we're going and pick the counselor (I assume she did) because now there is less chance of her dismissing it as a bad counselor. Before that she had told me that she wanted to see an old counselor because many of the young ones live slutty lives themselves and will support my wrongs. I feel like she just doubles down on everything, no compromise, no pause to reflect, I really am fighting a losing battle, but I'm still in the fight and still trying for now (even though pretty much everyone has advised me to move on by now.)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Oh, and one more thing. I have been having this discussion elsewhere and someone diagnosed her as Borderline Personality Disorder, do any of the people reading this agree with that or have anything to add? If so, is there any additional advice? When it was first suggested to me I was shown a list of 18 points that describe people who have this disorder and I felt it matched her perfectly, I ended up emailing it to my gf to see what she thought, hoping that maybe she'd see the list and recognize the similarities between her and the list, and then be more open to assistance............ But yeah, wrong again, instead she told me that none of the points on the list match her but all match me.

                      Great. At some point all you can do is laugh.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Well let us know how that goes. I think you have already figured out where that is headed with your analysis.

                        Nothing is ever her fault. She sets the preconceived ideas about people like the counselor she has not even met living slutty lives. That's not going to be easy for you to live with.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Blaze View Post
                          Well let us know how that goes. I think you have already figured out where that is headed with your analysis.

                          Nothing is ever her fault. She sets the preconceived ideas about people like the counselor she has not even met living slutty lives. That's not going to be easy for you to live with.
                          Sad but true.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            now is that what a damaged woman wants to deal with in a new relationship?now is that what a damaged woman wants to deal with in a new relationship?
                            She said it herself. She's damaged.

                            Let us know how the therapy session goes. If your counselor can't see that she has past relationship baggage that she needs to work through then get another counselor because it's clear to anyone, even herself that she's damaged.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment

                            Working...
                            X