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Need solid advise, emotional health possibly on the line

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  • Need solid advise, emotional health possibly on the line

    Apologies if this is technically the wrong place to post this, (this is my first forum post and I'm using my cell so don't judge me too harshly) but this situation has been weighing on my mind to the point I'm legitimately stressing out.

    To provide context; my and my former partner honestly met over Okcupid- we mostly just harmlessly flirted etc for awhile- yet our chemistry after Skyping and talking a ungodly number of hours on the phone was undeniable. Our first meeting was when she was headed home to San Antonio and happen to be passing through my city. It was as if we'd known each other for years, and in a way we became a unspoken "item". After a while I felt like I just had to see her again- so I ended up renting a hotel in SA for three days to spend more time with her. Things got even heavier at that point due us finding out we were even more physically compatible than we were emotionally. As time passed we spent more time with each other whenever college and work allowed- leading to her visiting about a month after my birthday (Sept 25th). The visit seemed to go as usual, she felt bad for me that we couldn't have sex due to her being on her monthly, but I honestly didn't card- she was the first girl/woman that made me fall in love with her quirks and what most would consider negative traits. That being said she's one of the most giving and hard working human beings I've ever met; her strong emotional empathy and need to lift up others sometimes manifesting themselves so strongly that it only hurt her in the end. This led to an awkward misunderstanding involving the same app and a message I had sent around the same time I'd started initially talking to said Ex. One of the friends of her best friends contacted her inquiring as to if I were her significant other- which after she heard how the friend even knew about me; instantly led her to jump to conclusions. (The contact was in fact one or two "Hi nice to meet you", "hope you're doing well" back and forth between us. After all quickly following that my Ex was the ONLY woman I was interested in on that level) So without clarifying things with the supposed mistress or her best friend she confronted me over text as me and my bestfriends (and his girlfriend) were watching the cowboys in my room. The real problem arose after that situation was cleared up however. After showing my innocence, or actual before that- she immediately backtracked and promised that everything was fine and there's nothing to worry about. Just drop it and act like she never brought it up. All because I said maybe we should "slow things down"- that we had nothing to worry about if we did because I was convinced we were damn near made for each other- me the cynic and her the honest soul; both equally ambitious and willing to work. I'll admit my words in the moment were cliche and were obviously trigger worthy- but this was also to prevent a negative aspect of our being together that I'd started to notice. As with many women she'd been dealt a shitty hand when it came to lovers- and apparently so had most of the women in her family. Thus she unknowingly put me on a pedestal of sorts; simply for treating her the way a real man should. Being raised mostly by a single mother myself I got where she was coming from but was unnerved by her impossible expectations of me- "I could do no wrong- and if I did it was her fault". Because I loved her I refused to let her do that to herself; partly because I'd been in her shoes in a previous relationship.

    And that's where things took a turn. I'm talking WcW heel wrestler levels. Literal JoJo levels of menacing. Because her next text (after a long pause) can basically be summed up into "Well we might as well end it then. We can cut all ties and you'll never have to deal with me again." If you can imagine a black offensive lineman college age with a shocked expression and Doc Brown's hair? That'd be me in that moment. As that wonderful imagery implies; I didn't know what the fuck was going on- I'd just literally emphasized I wanted anything but to be away from her- and she'd turned into the punisher. After awhile of hurried texting my friend and his girl noticed the change in my demeanor and inquired about what was wrong. As they took in the convo as a whole she suddenly made a grave admission to the reason behind her earlier overreaction. She'd truly felt like I didn't want her around when she'd visited days earlier and we couldn't have sex- said emotions making her feel so down she had felt like just driving into a ditch or the side rail of the highway on her way back. Now this is what really made me pause. Not only did she say it like some throwaway fact- I'd unfortunately been the first to find a victim of a violent suicide (suicide by gun), and as a result someone contemplating suicide even for a second is a big damn deal to me. I immediately and foolishly doubled down on us taking things slower and taking time to address these feelings- which caused her to double down on acting as if it never happened or leaving her alone. After some deliberation within my self and with my best friend I decided on the latter...

    Fast forwarding a couple of months; she proceeded to slowly but surely block me from every social media platform- even going as far as to have her friends block me when I inquired about her well being. My feeling for her and the and somehow able to be pushed down for my own emotional well being and a few long months (4) passed. This lead to a friend of mine showing me her Instagram page, (which I was blocked from of course) and the realization of the fact that not only was the kitten we had decided to raise together halfway grown; not only had she apparently gotten with a guy resembling the Pillsbury doughboy; but as per her caption he'd "put a ring on it". This from the woman who was so wary of rushing our relationship that she denied that she loved me the same way when I first said it to see if I meant it. The same person who was contemplating not getting married EVER because she felt true love didn't require it. This fact made all this unresolved feelings ooze back into me, and as of May 7 I've been secretly losing it. What's worse is now I realize she had her time to get over the perceived slight- when on my end I was left in the wind- even though I wasn't in the wrong at all except for some less than delicate wording.

    That's being said thanks for reading my long shitty post, and WHAT IN THE HELL SHOULD I DO?! Try to repress more than I ever have before? Become a manwhore and bang away my regret and confusion? Attempt to make contact one last time? Get rekt? Please either give some advise or just a honest opinion- even if it's just to reassure that I did or didn't fuck up.

    Thanks again and hopefully this isn't my first and last post

  • #2
    You need to come to grips with the idea that it's over. This was an awful lot of drama for a new relationship. I promise you, it would have gotten worse.

    She wasn't ready for a relationship with YOU. Someone else came along to whom she was more attracted. Stop inquiring about her and stop trying to search social media for hints about what she's doing. You need to close the door on this relationship. Don't attempt to contact her. She's done with you.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      I wasn't able to follow your story whatsoever. But from what I did manage to grasp, I confirm that the following is true:

      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      You need to come to grips with the idea that it's over. This was an awful lot of drama for a new relationship. I promise you, it would have gotten worse.
      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.


      • #4
        Way to confusing to get anything useful out of that post. She moved on, you should to. It's her loss for losing you. Quit focusing on the past and move forward. That is all you can do at this point.