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  • Massive Problem...need help!

    I wasn't sure where to post this because the thread titles don't seem to apply to my position. Hi, Im having a serious problem, it may not seem like a problem to everyone else, but it's a HUGE thing to me. I'm 34 yo, looking to find love/ a partner, but I dont know where to begin. I've had a girlfriend before and lost my virginity at 26 yo (everyone else I know was doing this 10 years before me). The woman I was with couldn't find anyone either and approached me (out of desperation) in a pub when I was out for a birthday, she was one of my friends other friends.

    I've spent all my life so far being side lined by girls/women, from the time that I was in school to present day. All the way through school, college and university, women have always just ignored me, I've often wondered if I even exist. Its got to the point where I don't even attempt to acknowledge them anymore because I know it achieves nothing and very often leaves me in a state of depression for many weeks, sometimes months (only my closest friends know about the depession), this also includes several occasions when suicide seemed like a nice solution (one of my good friends killed himself 8-9 years ago and he hasn't had to deal with any of this since he did it). This is why I'm trying a forum for the first time, looking for help.

    I may as well be 12 years old again, I have no idea what to do or say, I read ALOT of articles and watch ALOT of vids on dating/relationship advice and all that, but this has never helped. All the things in these articles and vids, can't be done (by me). Ive tried everything I can think of, and have been doing so since I was around 12 yo. Women just don't give a crap about me, I hear all these things about having money, being healthy etc, but they dont work, I've tried them.

    My friends have been telling me for around 15 years that there's nothing wrong with me (me and my friendship group are all smart and decent people), but I struggle to believe them because the reaction I get from women is one of pure disdain. They tell me to "talk" to women (like I haven't tried that already)...and again, same thing. Talking to women at clubs, bars , party's is out of the question, tried that for years and it doesn't work (for me).

    In spite of my friends being very supportive, I'm convinced beyond any doubt that there is a major flaw in me, as a person. Physically im ok, 5 ft 6, 60KG/9 stone, Ive always been active and have been a Lifeguard for 8 years and a Fitness Instructor for 5 years, facially I'm reasonably decent looking. You can tell me for 15 years that I have 6 legs, but when I look down, I see 2, I've always had 2, know what I mean?

    Basically, I need advice, WTF am I supposed to do? I understand Algebra better that I understand this problem (and my Maths is terrible). Everyone else I know seems to have it together, I see couples in bars/restuarants or walking holding hands, getting married, having kids,and being happy and I think to myself 'How did he do that? How the hell did he make that happen?'...I don't know!

    Im embrarrssed that I have to do this at 34 years old, but I'm out of options.
    (My Dad would be ashamed)

    Pabloe Guise

    P.S - Please don't tell me to "just be yourself", I've always been myself, never been anybody else. I think being myself might be the problem.



  • #2
    What happened between you and the girl you were dating?
    Are you currently (or have you ever been) in therapy to help you with your confidence?
    What have you done to meet women? Do you belong to any social clubs, been online dating, considered sites like meetmarketadventures .com?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      There are definitely a lot of wrong ways to go about things out there on the internet.

      Besides a relationship, are you happy with yourself, your career, and every other aspect of your life?

      How do you typically go about approaching women? What do they typically say to you when they turn you down?

      Describe your longest relationship and what happened with that.

      Ignoring women definitely won't get you to your goal.

      Who cares what your dad or anyone else thinks. Worry about what you think, that is all that matters.

      Explain some of the details to us and let us start from there.

      Comment


      • #4
        Phasesofthemoon; I was with the girl for 7 years, I didn't really want to be with her, but she approached me and that never happens, so I took what I could get. I am not in therapy, never have and don't intend to, they seem to just put you on medication. I have been on 3 dating sites since the break up, and I got no replies or interest. I dont do anything else to meet women, because everything I've tried has always failed.

        Blaze; I am happy with my job, it doesn't pay great, but I love it. I have good friends, (who are mostly married now), but dont get to see them very often. The above mentioned relationship is the only one I've been in. Again, I dont approach or speak to women, unless its bussiness, they get very defensive if I try.

        Pabloe Guise
        Last edited by Pabloe Guise; May 7th, 2017, 03:31 AM.

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        • #5
          Pabloe, tell me exactly what it is that you bring to the table. How interesting are you? How well-read? What do you enjoy doing the most?
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Pabloe Guise View Post
            Phasesofthemoon; I was with the girl for 7 years, I didn't really want to be with her, but she approached me and that never happens, so I took what I could get. I am not in therapy, never have and don't intend to, they seem to just put you on medication. I have been on 3 dating sites since the break up, and I got no replies or interest. I dont do anything else to meet women, because everything I've tried has always failed.
            You get what you give, Pabloe... You'd do well to read The Power Of Positive Thinking or the more esoteric, "The Secret" and start to change the vibe you're putting out to a more positive one.

            You never answered why you and the girl broke up. What caused the end of your relationship?

            As for therapy: (even to that you have a negative comment based on an ill conceived notion) You are thinking about psychiatrist... I'm talking about psychology... Psychologist are not licenced to subscribe medication. A life coach may help you to reframe you into thinking more positively as well. Clearly you need help with motivation and confidence.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Phasesofthemoon; I broke off the relationship after an injury that put me out for several months. Being home all the time meant we where around each other more, and we started arguing almost every day. It got to the point where both of us were mentally/emotionally exhausted. Regarding my negative outlook/confidence, I didn't have that until I realized women don't have any time for me, this came about in my early teens.

              SarahLancaster; I don't know what I bring to the table, everybody is different, if I bring something for one person, it may not be enough for the next. So far it hasnt been enough for anyone.
              I don't know how interesting I am, I can only tell you what I'm interested in:

              Fitness (Gym, Cycling, Swimming etc), World Affairs, Philosophy, Social Science, Reading, Gaming, I travel as much as money permits (I've been to several countries around Europe and Africa), I love festivals (money permitting), Socializing. I've studied at University Level (International Relations, Philosophy and Ethics (Sociology)). Strangley, I'm very efficient, my father was in the military (National Service) and raised me accordingly. He didnt have phycological problems (PTSD).

              Hope that answers all the relavent questions.

              Pabloe

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Pabloe Guise View Post
                Phasesofthemoon; I broke off the relationship after an injury that put me out for several months. Being home all the time meant we where around each other more, and we started arguing almost every day. It got to the point where both of us were mentally/emotionally exhausted. Regarding my negative outlook/confidence, I didn't have that until I realized women don't have any time for me, this came about in my early teens.
                Well, it doesn't matter who you think caused your negative attitude, the point is you have one and the two books (and countless others) are at least one thing you can try to get you out of your present negative state of mind and lack of confidence. Why not read them with an open mind and start giving out vibes of abundance rather then what you've been emitting?





                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  A good exercise to to is to describe the ideal girlfriend / wife in great detail.

                  What would the ideal woman be to you?
                  What would she be interested in?
                  What would she look like?
                  What does she do for a career?

                  List out everything that the perfect woman would be to you. Use my questions as a start, but you could like a million more. Go into great detail.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Pabloe Guise View Post
                    ....Regarding my negative outlook/confidence, I didn't have that until I realized women don't have any time for me, this came about in my early teens....
                    So you are saying that twenty years ago, as a pimply faced, scrawny middle-schooler, you reached the conclusion that women (that is pimply-faced, scrawny, middle school GIRLS) didn't have time for you. And since then nothing's changed?

                    And when a woman approached you, it was only because she was desperate? And then she spent SEVEN YEARS with you?

                    So after breaking up with her, you've posted on three dating sites and got no responses?

                    Clearly, you have no faith whatsoever, that any woman would want to be with you and that attitude hangs around you like the dust-cloud that surrounds Pigpen- signaling women to stay away.

                    Would you be willing to post your dating site profile here for us to edit? I'd be we could create something that actually gets responses. And we could coach you on getting past the first date.

                    I await your response

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      ^^^Good idea, Pollon
                      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Pollon

                        "So you are saying that twenty years ago, as a pimply faced, scrawny middle-schooler, you reached the conclusion that women (that is pimply-faced, scrawny, middle school GIRLS) didn't have time for you. And since then nothing's changed?" -Yes

                        "And when a woman approached you, it was only because she was desperate?" - Yes! It was obvious at the time and she admitted to me later. "And then she spent SEVEN YEARS with you?" - Yes

                        "So after breaking up with her, you've posted on three dating sites and got no responses?" - Yes

                        "Clearly, you have no faith whatsoever"... (your telling me!?), "...that any woman would want to be with you and that attitude hangs around you like the dust-cloud that surrounds Pigpen- signaling women to stay away." (I had to look up Pigpen, but I understand)

                        "Would you be willing to post your dating site profile here for us to edit?" - I deleted the profiles months ago! "I'd be we could create something that actually gets responses. And we could coach you on getting past the first date."



                        Last edited by Pabloe Guise; May 9th, 2017, 05:15 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Maybe I wasn't clear. I didn't really pose those questions in order to get your one-word answers. I'm looking for you to really think about how absurd it is to base your ideas about women's interest in you on what happened when you were in middle school. Other than your negative attitude, I'm sure you've changed significantly in the past 20 years.

                          How about writing a potential dating profile for us to help you with?

                          Even if you never post it, it could help you formulate a better more attractive image of yourself to project to the world.

                          It's been done here before.
                          Last edited by Pollon; May 9th, 2017, 08:03 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            "I dont approach or speak to women" - It's becoming clearer that this is the key statement.

                            You have to participate in your own rescue. The people on this forum aren't going to magically find the woman of your dreams. Your friends aren't going to find who you are looking for. She is not going to magically show up on her own. You have to participate to get what you want.

                            It is easy to just ignore what has been said and not put in the effort. But if so you can't complain about lacking what you want. Getting what you want is hard and does not just happen. It is a day by day step by step process of continuous improvement until your dreams are finally met.

                            Your choice.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I really appreciate the responses and the help that you are all trying to give, but I remain in the same position.

                              Just a few questions, is there anything wrong with my interests above? Ive more or less described who I am as a person in the original post and in my reply to 'SarahLancaster'.
                              Trying not to compromise my anonymity too much, I have given as much as I can about my self for you to judge.

                              Other than the negative outlook (which I've been told about many many times), is this not good enough? Do I need certain interests? What standard do I need to meet?...I don't know WHAT Im supposed to DO exactly! How on earth do I change my attitude when I get bad reactions from them? My thinking is a result of THEIR responses to me!...which in turn has made me VERY reluctant to talk to them! It's like I've insulted them or something, like I'm a pleb, not worthy of a response...almost like a caste system.

                              I don't have a University Degree, but Im not stupid, I read, Im aware. I work, take care of my health/fitness, travel, have many friends...Im not perfect by any means...but I'm comfortable with my self. So I don't get what it is about me thats putting them off so severley...and for such a long time.

                              One last point is that my friendship group are all smart reasonable, good people (one accountant, two lawyers, a couple working in the health service etc) and they've never treated me like I was a lesser person. Ive known them for years, and they are comfortable with me. I get on with men that I meet in general, they will have a chat, but the women seem to fob me off or look like they really don't want to be around me.

                              Regards
                              Pabloe Guise
                              Last edited by Pabloe Guise; May 15th, 2017, 09:38 AM.

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