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INSECURITY Is killing my relationship and I need help...

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  • INSECURITY Is killing my relationship and I need help...

    Hello All,

    This is my first time writing on this forum and I am seeking your advice. I will start with a brief overview of my relationship to put things into perspective.

    Im 24 years old and have been dating my girlfriend for almost 6 months now. She is actually the best friend of one of my brother's girlfriends and so she has been to my house countless times growing up and apparently she always had a crush on me but I always had a girlfriend. Shes currently 23 and lived in California all of her life but has been in Utah for the last year or so. I am currently living in California. The distance is tough sometimes but we have been making it work and typically fly to see each other 1-2 times a month for a weekend since flights are fairly cheap.

    We officially started talking when we kicked it off at a concert together and decided that we would make things work. She is a very independent woman, a good communicator, and knows what she wants.

    The relationship started off wonderful as most do and we were very flirty and texted and talked on the phone for hours at a time. I have always been a "mind reader" and tend to overthink responses and the way people act in a relationship which I believe is due to a large amount of insecurity. I have gone to a therapist in the past for this. There are countless times that I have acted insecure in this relationship and it eats me alive that I acted in such a way.

    Recently things have seemed a little strange and I received a text from her saying that she needed to talk with me. Of course having my anxiety take the wheel I freaked out and immediately thought she was breaking up with me. When we talked she said that she wants a person who is confident and will lead the relationship and really be the anchor. She said that she feels like she has to be my life coach and that she is always the one who brings up and has to start these important relationship discussions which I completely agree has been the case. I told her that I would work on it and she texted me and said "Thank you for talking tonight I look forward to bettering our relationship as a whole <3"

    Since this conversation I have as a result internally felt even more insecure. I feel distanced and like her responses aren't as sincere. She still calls me every night and we have nice long conversations about our days and such and always end it with one of us saying that we love each other. Internally things feel like they are spiraling down hill and I don't know how to get out of this rut. She kind of seems to be ignoring the discussion of planning my next trip out there and she says its because shes unsure if she will have to work but all I can think about is that shes losing interest.

    I plan on talking to her and seeing how she's been feeling about our relationship and see if shes feeling any better about it but I dont know if thats the right move. I want her to see the old side of me and get back to the way our relationship was.

    Any advice or feedback is much appreciated Thanks in advance!

  • #2
    I can understand a woman wanting to 'talk' to her man about things that are bugging her....things that can readily be improved. For example, I might bring up the fact that you're a slob and need to pick up after yourself. Or maybe you should get off the couch and do something other than watch tv. Or perhaps I could suggest that we go out to dinner more or have sex more or travel more. Those are things that can be worked on. But her telling you that she needs a man who is confident and who will lead in the relationship is asking you to change who you are. Of course that's causing you stress because what she's asking you to do is change yourself, your personality.

    Sure you can 'work' on being more confident (I guess), but that's not something that happens overnight. If you feel her becoming distant, you're probably right. I'd say the relationship is doomed on a few levels...the distance and her expectationsof you.

    Get out of the rut by separating for a while and agreeing to see other people.

    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      I've got a different perspective to share with you, johnpaul.
      It might even help for you to read my very first post, (but particularly the responses) just to get a feel for who I USED to be.

      I don't think it is any less possible for you to make the change to that of a confident leader and anchor, any more than it was for me to tone DOWN who I used to be with my controlling, jealous and co-dependent nature.

      It all starts within, no matter what.
      But you have to WANT to be that person she describes, and BELIEVE that you can be that person, otherwise it'll all be for naught, and you'll only wind up torturing yourself.
      Your g/f, being the good communicator that she is, wouldn't have asked what she has of you, if she didn't feel the relationship had the potential of going somewhere. She just would have ended things.

      Partners don't always ask partners to change in order to demonstrate control. Sometimes they do it as a 'heads up' that the behavior, or personality deficiency is tolerable now, but it won't be for long...... and quite honestly ? Good for her for being so forthcoming with you !
      As far as what I take from this, she values this relationship, and is asking you to work on the areas she suggested, so that there is a little more of an equal balance in the relationship.

      Surely you can start to feed off her independent and positive nature !

      And from one over thinker to another !
      STOP....JUST'll be the ruin of more than this relationship if you don't.....TRUST overthinking nearly lost the greatest man ever to come into my life.
      It isn't worth it.
      You HAVE control over those maddening internal thoughts......maybe you should start there.
      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.


      • #4
        Thank you for your response!

        Is there any hope in reviving this instead of simply leaving? The thing I didn't mention is that I really am a Confident guy on the outside. In fact very confident and successful for my age and great at talking and meeting new people. I consider myself attractive and can be very flirty and charming. This is an issue that has come up time and time again specifically in relationships when I feel like there is something wrong (even if its normal and something completely manageable).

        My wording may have been off but I do not call what she talked to me about as "Changing myself or personality"

        I think the real issue lies in my personal insecurities with dealing with situations like these. When something doesnt feel right in a relationship I become very insecure and need reassurance which Im sure comes off as insecurity to my girlfriend and me being clingy which I know is the opposite of confidence.

        With knowing that this is a relationship that we both want to pursue, Im really seeking advice to how I can overcome this insecurity and get things back on the right track with my relationship.


        • #5

          Pistol. Thank you so much for your response. It really hit me where I needed it to. THAT is exactly the type of advice I was hoping to hear. I DO want to be confident and to be the leader in the relationship.

          As far as my inner insecurities go they are something I have acknowledged and am really trying to work on personally because they are not healthy.

          I do truly believe that she has intentions to improve this relationship and thats why she was talking about what was bothering her. Where Im stuck though is that some of the ways shes responding to things (rightful given her being unhappy currently) have really made it more difficult for me to bounce out of this state of mind.


          • #6
            The thing I didn't mention is that I really am a Confident guy on the outside. In fact very confident and successful for my age and great at talking and meeting new people. I consider myself attractive and can be very flirty and charming.

            Then perhaps you need to ask yourself why this girl makes you act/feel insecure, constantly internalizing things.
            If you do indeed posses the character traits that you described, then a women with those same qualities should be your compliment, and not your competition.
            It's almost like you don't feel like you're good enough for her. Like all of that confidence and success dissipates in her presence. If that's the case, then you need to now, more than ever, work on staying true to yourself. Is she not worth that ? Are YOU not worth that ?

            If she's only just asked you to work on the areas that she suggested, then she needs to be patient with you.
            I'd be willing to bet that it is just YOU who is deciphering her text responses as different from the norm.

            STOP IT

            There's no doubt that her request has made you a little sensitive, but PLEASE don't let it allow you to internalize things to DEATH .

            This is a GOOD thing that this happened.Communication is absolute KEY in a relationship....but so is an appropriate response
            The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.